RicardoGrande
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
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  Posted:
Jun 11, 2022 - 13:03 |
 
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Hello high born women and male virgins, it is I Verner Hishog playwright, director, and journalist. After a season of gonzo journalism following The Damned Skab's unimpressive debut season in the Secret Dawgz league I have been asked by The Mascara Snake to report on the progress of the OSBBL preseason for rookie teams: the Secret Tentacle Smack.
The Smack reminds me me a bit of a production I directed while I was on a residency in Nippon: 'The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife'. The play was based on the, figuratively and literally, well loved ukiyo-e by the well known shunga artist Ika Kusai. Just like this pre-season promises to be, it was full of secrets, tentacles, and bodily fluids. Look it up on Cabal Vision... but maybe not at work...
Anyhow, I digress, this season we have four teams vying for the tentacle cup. Who will win the numerous slimy yet gentle caresses and who will be left with the dead rubber?
Harder Wetter Bluster Smoulder are a newish air elemental team coming out of the Secret Dawgz League. There is some mystery surrounding the origin of this sibilant yet melodic eldritch team and their captain the Draught Punk. During my time with The Skabs I heard a number of different rumours about their provenance. My favourite is that The Draught Punk was conjured into existence by a pair of musical Bretonian wizards. These wizards were hired to do a light installation for a half time performance and so conjured a team of elementals to wow the crowd. The wizards set up a difference engine to control Draught Punk so they could watch some blood bowl on Cabal Vision on the job. Somehow the transmission interfered with the engine's workings and, rather than performing the pyro/geo/aero/hydrotechnics planned, the elementals did a replay of the cabal vision broadcast blocking hapless fans on the sidelines ( and complete with steamlectro flourishes from the original choreography). Developing a taste for our beloved bloodsport The Draught Punk then freed their teammates from their magical bonds to bring a breath of fresh air to the OSBBL. This steam punk disco colossus can block, dodge, and move with the best of them. But unlike any other big guy I have ever seen, with an average of two completions a game, they can pass. But you shouldn't pass up any opportunities to watch their next games!
The Stromlo Reavers are a bunch of boorish Kurgan mansplainers from the island fiefdom of Stromlo. Famed for unnecessary conflict, much like my often time collaborator Claws Kinky, The Reavers bring a belligerent style of play to the astrogranite. The team is made up of young warriors seeking to get on the CoC (Council of Chieftans) by proving their worth on the blood bowl pitch. I don't expect them to do too well as I hear that they have almost no ball handling skills. The one to watch on this team is the slave Ravioli Biceps. He's the closest thing the team has to a pro. Let's just hope his flex is al dente!
The Stumpwood Leafblowers have been a furtive participant in some games around the Far Seas for some time. I hear that these forest 'flings were originally a group of groundskeepers hired to maintain bloodbowl pitches. On a fateful evening before a match, one of these diminutive dendrophile horticulturalists was caught licking the turf in a suspiciously erotic manner. A player from one of the teams due to play the next day laughed raucously and called the minuscule gardener a 'leaf blower'. The tender in question didn't rise to this bigotry and ignored the churl. However, when the antagonist's team-mates joined in, throwing insults at the Leafblower's beloved pitch, the miniscule plant lovers flew into a murderous rage and destroyed the whole team in question. Missing a team, and significantly out of pocket for the arrangements for the game, the match promoter conscripted the Leafblowers for the next days' match and the rest is (probably?) history. Those in the know will have their eyes on Koko BellyLint, this dauntless little blitzer has a habit of getting into the most unexpected places.
Finally, the defending champs and favourites for taking the secret smack, ZZ Zippy, are no strangers to illicit activities. While darlings of the secret bloodbowl world, these smack smuggling rats have a crossed history with the law. After falling behind on some gambling debts, or maybe doing some poorly placed back alley craps, these Clan Eshin outlaw biker mice found themselves on the wrong side of the chaos mafia. These lightning fast skaven decided to use their speed to turn a quick buck on the blood bowl pitch and repay their debts. With their agility and speed, these rats have been known to chalk up impressive scores. The team's high rolling gutter runner casanova, 'Under Pressure', is known for having expensive tastes in vehicles and women. Fortunately he has the skills to pay his considerable bills... usually.
Well that's it for me as I have to leave to do a cameo at a Fluxus/Cabaret Voltaire happening. I hear Claws Kinky is going to clean a toilet with a fidget spinner and upcycled Barnana Banana Bites.
Good night and good riddance, yours inscrutably
Verner. |
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Trickey
Joined: Oct 10, 2018
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| Posted:
Jun 11, 2022 - 17:40 |
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This is highly Osbbl approved Forks- from the new chief The Mascara Snake.
A reminder Osbbl is now recruiting for season 9 DM Trickey for details. |
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