Grotty Little Newspaper

The Ladder Division has never been a very active division. In the beginning, it was the TR 100 non-progression division, where stars battled stars in boring matches that checked how well you could power-game your team. It was fun sometimes (the star-studded Goblin team I had was funky to play with) but basically it was the same old line-up of humans with Morg and the Count, Dwarfs, Norse and Amazons.

The division slowly died, but then, change came! A challenge system had previously been on the lips of many. It would, so people claimed, be something that would eliminate cherry-picking. And thus the new Ladder division was born. It was to be a Living Rulebook environment, with full progression. There were Ladder points to be fought for, and there were Challenge points to be earned. If your Challenge points were non-negative, you could challenge any team with more Ladder points than yourself. Win games to gain Ladder points, and avoid losses so as not to lose them. Play challenge games to earn Challenge points.

The Division idea was simple. Play in an open system, and once a week you get to issue a formal challenge to a team. There was some attention for it in the first few weeks, but then it petered out, as pretty much any new division but Faction has done. Complaints were made about lay-out of the pages, the challenge format, and more things, claiming they were to blame for the death of the division.

Here are some comments from Ladder coaches sk8bcn and celas.

sk8bcn: "Too many players don't really know ladder and think it is still the old non-progression division. My opinion was that ladder’s state was because of a total lack of interest of the admin that was in charge of ladder. (Editor’s note: there is no admin “in charge” of Ladder)

"There are a few things I dislike on ladder though. You can challenge everyone that has more points than you, but I wouldn't like to see the eternally losing killer team being able to challenge the elves of the top of the ladder. To play against the top of the ladder, you should have to be near that top.

"This is currently not a problem, though, because the ladder community is a nice one, with guys that loves the challenge concept. I’ve seen nobody abusing of the concept.

"The second thing is that there are too many old teams from inactive coaches in the standings. You can't really find your real position when you are in the middle of the ladder. Some teams close to yours might be inactive."

celas: "The Ladder division is a unique place to play that is overlooked by most. Along with keeping track of win/losses/ties, and trying to development your team, the division also keeps track of “Ladder” points and “Challenge” points. This sets up a “King of the Hill” type division in which you are trying to knock off the top teams. Challenge points also help to make the division unique. An official challenge is different than offering a game to someone in the other divisions (although this method of getting a game works just as well in Ladder). This increases the strategy involved in playing in the division and gives one more stats to look at, which everyone seems to like.

"The strengths of the Ladder division are the unique challenge system and the ability to see how your team is rated on the Ladder compared to other teams (which is similar to the old team ranking which was removed from ranked years ago).

"Although this division has an interesting style of play, there are some weaknesses that need to be adjusted. For example, some teams have very poor match ups and some coaches may take advantage of this (i.e., dwarf teams repeatedly challenging zons). Also, there is no +/- 40 TS rule, therefore challenges to significantly weaker teams may be made. Challenges do not have to be accepted, which means that teams can still dodge poor match ups as long as they can challenge and play games with teams that are favourable (i.e., all elves could play each other and dodge bashy teams, sound familiar?). Another weakness is the inactivity of the division overall and especially at the top of the division. There are not enough teams in Ladder or on gamefinder to reinforce play in the division. A number of teams that currently sit atop the Ladder have not played or even accepted a challenge in many months. A final concern, which may be applicable in any division, is the example of a coach who keeps a low TS by making challenges and spending money on Stars. Imagine a Khemri team that makes an average of 60k a game and can hire Ramtut and buy a skeleton every other game. I realize Khemri have their disadvantages, but 5 mummies is a little hard to handle for low AV teams with only 11 on the roster."

Some time after these comments were made, several more changes were brought to the Ladder division. For one, teams that have not played a game in the last 14 days are removed from the Ladder table. This means that the Ladder table is currently very diminished since it no longer records all teams in the division, merely the active ones, but it also means that you know which coaches are actually currently playing in the division, allowing you to issue challenges with a greater certainly of getting a reply, and finding matches becomes a lot easier. The Ladder page has now also received a direct link on the menu, much like the Faction division has, which, rather than point at the list of teams in the Ladder division like it used to do, now leads to the much cleaner formatted new and diminished page.

There are also some user-based initiatives, headed by EvolveToAnarchism and aided by others, such as the Active Ladder Teams group, a group that sprang to life before the Ladder table was diminished and which acted in much the same capacity – allowing coaches who wished to play Ladder games a better opportunity to find opponents.

If the Division truly comes to life once more, or gives the semblance of doing so, perhaps a few more changes might be looked at. Formal challenges might be limited within 3 Ladder points, with the restriction that the team can be no more than 20 TS below you. Formal challenge games might be deemed worthy of double the Ladder points to be earned or lost.

Some final comments:

sk8bcn: "Ladder is great and somehow, revives and becomes active. It's a small group of 50 coaches I think but challenging, reaching the top is a fun goal. Try it and Join. I really love it so far!"

celas: "A number of things could be done to improve the Ladder division. I believe that marketing the division would help, however, there must be changes in the system or it could turn out to be another ranked division with a few additional stats where agile teams and bashy teams can only get/accept games within their own genre. There has been talk in the past (I believe suggested by Mully in the forums) about requiring teams to play a mix of teams. Perhaps dividing the teams into three groups, agile (i.e., elves, zons), bashy (i.e., orcs, dwarves), and mixed (i.e., humans, lizardmen), and requiring teams to play an appropriate mix of each group. Teams should also be required to play at least one game during a given team period or they lose a Ladder point until they only have zero. It would also be interesting to keep a record of a team’s challenges and who they were challenged by, to identify cherrypicking. I would also eliminate the use of stars, but that is probably more of a personal bias than anything else."

Have any comments yourself? Wish to make your voice heard? Then head over to the discussion forum for either the Ladder division or the Grotty Little Newspaper and sound off.

Getting familiar

This is a tale of a time long ago, before Blood Bowl fell into oblivion, a tale about a little goblin's amazing capers. All characters and events in this story are totally fictitious and any likenesses to real life and/or FUMBBL characters are totally unintended. Furthermore the author admits that the abilities of some characters in this story may not be consistent with any of the official or unofficial Blood Bowl rules known - this is just a story.

Editor's note: This story has previously appeared elsewhere, but as it was written for the GLN, and since it is needed for internal cohesiveness of the multi-part story, it is being reproduced here as well.

What happened so far:

Gnot was kidnaped by G'morg the trainer of "Da Deadly Raiderzzz" who's offer he refused in the first place. G'morg's interest got arouse by Gnot's reflexes and agility but the goblin was just too scared to join the team especially after some of the players tried to hurt or even kill him.

After G'morg brought the gobbo to his training grounds he threatened Gnot with death and so forced him to accept his "offer". Gnot tried to escape but could not find a way out before he got captured again.

"Not dat fast, li'l git!" a deep and dark voice growled while the weight got removed from his chest. His back was hurting from the downfall on the stone floor and before he could open his eyes again a huge hand grabbed his torso and lifted him up. He got shouldered and hung upside down the back of very muscular leather skinned orc. Rather slowly the orc moved back to the locker room but no struggling nor whimpering could help Gnot out of his misery and again fear and sadness grew in his heart. As they returned the laughter was not as loud as Gnot had expected and some players came back shortly after them, it seemed they were also out to get Gnot back but had no luck. Gnot got sat down on a bench near the wall now for the first time he could take a look at the guy that took him down. It was a surprisingly old looking orc not as tall as the Black Orcs but almost as wide, with grey to white hair and scars all over his body, at least those parts that his old leather armour did not cover. His left eye was missing a huge scare covered almost half of his face as if someone tried to split his head with a huge battleaxe.

"Well done, Kirok." G'morg smirked as he slowly went over to Gnot. "He's gonna kill meh. He so gonna kill me and 'urt me." the voice in Gnot's head started to scream and tears began to run down his little face. "Don' worry, hehehe." G'morg laughed "Would 'ave been disappoinded if ya hadn' tried to run. Ya got some guts afta all it seems. But now we gonna see what ya doin' on da pitch." An emotional roller-coaster on the one hand he did not get punished as he had expected but instead this sadistic orc seemed to have some new ideas how to torture him, why couldn't he just wake up in his bed at home..

The training grounds looked like a little stadium, surrounded by barbed wire and about 5 feet lower than the area around it. "A hell pit" was Gnot's first thought when he got driven out there. It was a rainy day and the sky was dark and dull, while the ground was pure mud with only a few spots of grass that were not yet stomped apart in one of the preceding training sessions. "Lez see how fast ya really are." G'morg shouted at Gnot "You gonna race against Tsork, one time around the pitch, if ya come on first, ya some extra food and a warm bed tonite. If he catches ya... good luck." "HAHAHAHA!!" Tsork laughed loudly and his eyes seemed to glow from his bloodgreed. Now he would get the chance to finish what he started in that tavern and stomp that little good-for-nothing into the ground and dance on his corpse. Gnot was petrified, he stared at G'morg and could not believe what he just heaped, again he was sure he was going to die. "Run!... RUN!!!!!" G'morg's yelling almost knocked Gnot over since he has not realized completely what was going on, he was just too shocked. But then somehow his feet started to run on their own, well it was more of a trot then a run, but at least he was moving. Tsork was about to get him, but G'morg held him back "Giv' em some 'eadstart." Only reluctantly Tsork granted Gnot that graciousness but when Gnot was almost at the end of the short side of the pitch were he started from noone could hold the enraged blitzer back and he started his hunt.

The suddenly starting bellowing of the other team mates made Gnot to turn his head around and there he saw a one-man stampede heading for him and closing up rather fast. He felt the adrenaline kicking in and started to run for his live. But there seemed to be no escape the orc was coming nearer and nearer. He was almost half way done as his head start was almost gone and he heard the swearing and shouting behind him and what his killer was going to do to him. He tried to run even faster but his little feet could not do any better and the slippery and muddy surface did not make it easier at all but at least Tsork also had to struggle with it since his heavy boots sank in a bit at every step. With a loud cry Tsork jumped at Gnot to bring him down and crush his little bones but the gobbo's reflexes made him jump aside and the colossus face first ran himself into the ground. At a sudden the orcs began to cheer for the hawked only causing Tsork to jump up inflamed in rage and start the hunt anew, but Gnot took his chance and got some more headstart again. The goal line was close but that steam roller was back on his feat and faster than ever, his face full of hate and rage determined to rip that green peace of scum apart.

Gnot closed his eyes and tried to get away until he got lifted at once. That must have been Tsork, he finally got him and now noone will help him and he will die slowly and painfully. But as he opened his eyes it was Noreg who held him up over his head and Tsork covered in mud bitched and yelled trying to get his hands on Gnot but the only way would have been to knock down the huge ogre that was about two heads taller and a pure accumulation of muscles and even with this much anger he was not dumb enough to try that. The fact that his comrades cheered at the goblin did not calm him down a bit and he swore to himself that one day he will get that git. G'morg held his word and this night Gnot was put into a warm bed and got plenty to eat for dinner. The others even refrained from teasing him but there was always at least one that had an eye on him so he could not run away again. And strangely Gnot found himself thinking that this might be not so bad after all before he fell asleep.

To be continued...

The Emperor's new Clothes

This is a tale of a time long ago, before Blood Bowl fell into oblivion, a tale about a little goblins amazing carrer. All characters and events in this story are totally fictious and any accordances to real life and/or FUMBBL characters are totally unintended. Furthermore the author admits that the abilities of some characters in this story may not be in consistence with any of the official or unofficial Blood Bowl rules known - this is just a story

What happened so far:

Gnot was forced by G'morg to join "Da Deadly Raiderzzz" against his will. Even though some of the team member threaten Gnot he has to stay since his escape attempt failed misserably.

In the first test Gnot had to race against Tsork, the blitzer who only wants to rip Gnot apart. With a bit of luck and some speed he managed to win the race not only of but also for his life.

Although the sleep was very relaxing, especially after that large meal, the awakening was not. With a hard boot to the bed Gnot got torn out of his dreams. "Traaaaaaaaaiiiiining!!" a loud growling voice shouted with a strangly happy tone and before he even knew what happened to him he got pushed out of his room towards the training field. Will he have to race Tsork again? This time the orc won't give him a head start. But before getting on the field he got tossed into the locker room again to get dressed. Kirok gave him a goblin sized armour, helmet and shirt, which where obviously all from his predecessor. The armour weighed heavily on his shoulders and the helmet bore against his forehead while the shirt, which was way to wide, almost hung down to the floor. What scared Gnot about this stuff was that not only the helmet was dented, the armour rusty and bit twisted and parts of the shirt were tattered to stripes but also the huge number of blood spots that covered the whole dress. Heavily breathing Gnot stand there, starring at the ground before his feet while cold sweat came through every single pore. Before his inner eye Gnot saw his death, when some huge and vicious trollish creature grabbed him around his chest single handedly and raised him high above the ground just to slowly squeeze him to death with it's pure strength. First the little armour started to bend while the pressure on the chest was already horrible, then slowly the armour began to burst, the chest got squeezed more and more and the broken armour parts penetrated the goblin torso. Screaming and crying life vanished from Gnots body and blood got spilled over the monstrous fist.

Gnot shrieked as he got torn out of his daydream when a large hand touched his shoulder only to realize it was Kirok and that there was no monster around that was trying to kill him... apart from Tsork who was outside and had already started his training. "Eheheh, don' worry." Kirok laughed "Not all gits get smashed dat badly." This did not help at all and Gnot almost peed himself, his knees where shaking. Kirok only shouted "Off wez go!" and dragged Gnot outdoors on the pitch. Gnot could not run very fast, his legs were still sore from the race a day before, he was not used to do sports and especially not something this exhausting. But outside, that was a sight to behold: the orcs ran around, doing sprints and dodge training, others practising different pass and catch manouvers, while the ogre did sparring blocks. "Th'arg!!!" G'morg's voice resounded over the pitch and instantly one of the pass practising orcs turned his head. What he did miss was that someone else just threw a ball at him. So when he turned his head back due to the warning shouts that ball smacked his face with a big "SQUASH!" and knocked him over.

Everyone, except Gnot and Th'arg, burst out laughing when Th'arg tried to shake off that stroke and get back on his feet. "Shat up, ya gitz! And watch where you are throwing to!" Th'arg shouted with a somewhat angry tone when he was back on his feet. This was more than understandable since the ball had hit him that hard that his lower lip started to bleed a bit. But to Gnot's surprise Th'arg seemed to cool down pretty fast and even started to smirk a bit about the situation himself as he was on the way to G'morg. "Take da l'il one. Show him how Da Deadly Raiderzz do wit da ball." the coach adressed Th'arg. He only noded and grabbed Gnot by his neck "Letz go. Got lotsa work for ya, hehe."

To be continued...

Greetings fellow FUMBBLers, this is your loyal reporter DonKosak reporting from Altdorf. I and several colleagues have been visiting the one and only school for referees in the known world, and it is a great pleasure for me to give you this short summary of our visit which lasted most of the day.

We were met on the lawn in front of the massive gate by the owner of the school.

”Welcome ladies and gentlemen to our wonderful Altdorf Referee School of Exquisity. My name is Bastian the Great, I’m owner and leader of this school and I shall be your host today on this grand tour de force through our premises.

Here on my left side I have our caretaker Igor Bigor, who does the hard job of sweeping our exercise pitch, stopping our ogre students from trying to put on caps and shirts belonging to smaller fellow students, cleaning the hospital wing and the like. As we are a school of fine arts besides the refereeing and whistle-blowing, we have regular exchange students from various cheerleaderschools all over the known world. Alas, some of our students don’t really know how to behave when faced with beings of the female persuasion, and it is thus also Igor’s hard job to bang the cheerleaders...ahem…cheerleaders’ door to their locker room back on after their visits here on the school. Igor has told me that he’s happy today as he is expecting a visit from his cousin Igor, who is a famous star among the strigoyans. I really don’t now if I’m looking forward to having him as a guest, but it’s Igor’s job to ventilate the rooms when he leaves again, so why not...

On my right side I have brought to you one of our best students, our loyal praefect Prat Prodigy, who has travelled all the way from the southern wastes to study here on my school. So tell me Prat, why did you choose to become a referee – you were such a promising blocker on your old team?”

“Well I played for the team “FoulThemTillTheyDie” – a team I guess you all know – for several seasons, but in the long run I didn’t really liked the feeling of eating ground beef made from your opponent’s entrails every evening. I therefore left the halflings and joined the chaos team “KillKillKill Hedgehog” but the priorities of this team were somewhat the same as the halflings’. I didn’t feel any pleasure from scoring with both the ball and the skulls of my opponents, I wanted something more, I wanted to learn the rules of the game, I wanted to smell grass instead of blood, I wanted to paint some nice flowe…”

“Yes, thank you Prat, I think our guests all know what you mean. You can go back to your room now – you still need to work on that left-hand-that-was-NOT-a-touchdown-signal that you showed me this morning.”

Bastian gestured with his hand and Prat left us. He looked exactly as a praefect ought to: welldressed, curly fur, blue shiny eyes and lots of polish on both horns. I had met my first beastman referee and was impressed. If all chaos players can learn to behave like him, there must be hope for all of us.

Bastian now led us through the gate into the hall. Igor shuffled to a cupboard in the corner muttering something about an impressive collection of brooms but Bastian hastily led us on. The school is build like an old monastery with four wings strecthing out from a central courtyard surrounded by a colonnade. The courtyard contains the exercise pitch of the school and as we entered a team of newcomer student referees were having their first lesson in the basic arts of refereeing. The squad consisted of a ratogre, four humans, two goblins and a little redbearded dwarf who was handing out caps, whistles and a handful of flags in different colours.

“Listen now, you rotten hamsters!”, he shouted. “This is you cap – it belongs on your head. This is your signalling flags – they belong in your hands. This is your whistle – it belongs in your mouth.”

The goblins immediately started fighting over the flags whereas the ratogre roared in rage and ate the whistle in one swift movement. The humans were the only ones who seemed to have just a vague idea of what they were supposed to do with the accessories. The dwarf grabbed two signalling flags and began waving them frantically over his head while blowing an eardeafening thrill in his whistle. “This means: I’ve spotted a foul – stop the game!”, he shouted. He waved the flags again and did another earpiercer with the whistle. “This means: I’ve spotted that it’s halftime or fulltime – stop the game! and this”, he bellowed while continuing to wave the flags and torturing the whistle, “means: I’ve spotted a touchdown – stop the game!”

The humans tried to imitate his flaghandling, the ratogre was still chewing and the goblins now both had a collection of snapped flagpoles and flags torn to pieces. The dwarf grabbed them both and banged their heads together. “Now you listen to me, little scum. I’ll show you once more and then I expect you both to be able to do the whistling and the flagging ON THE SAME TIME! Don’t you dare look down on me!”, he wailed, kicking the ratogre’s ankle.

“I think we’ll leave mr. Flagsmasher and his recruits to themselves”, said Bastian. “Let us continue to our classrooms for an example of the intensive theoretical education that our students receive.”

To Be Continued...

We have all been in the situation where that special player who has been so lucky with his skill rolls starts to drag down the team, instead of helping the team win. There comes a point when even the coolest legend needs to be retired to ensure a future for his team. I recently had to make the decision to let my bull centaur Meuh go, because he was slowly killing his team. In my case this decision was long overdue, but managing the team in its difficult situation was a great experience I can recommend. I think many of you will agree that having such a player and watching YOUR player climb the various top 10 lists adds an extra and fun dimension to playing Blood Bowl on FUMBBL.

I will discuss some of the things I learned here, focussing on ways to delay the inescapable end of your star’s career.

Cash problems: This is the most devastating of problems you face when you continue to play with your megastar. Just take a look at the team development graphics for the teams that have played with the greatest FUMBBL legends on the roster. It’s a slow, painful death. There is only one answer: Fanfactor. Now this might sound strange coming from me, but you NEED to do those 2 CAS, 2 TD per game. If you need to foul to do this, then foul. Let’s assume you have a fanfactor of 20 when you pass the TR300 mark. Pretty good fan factor, but with your own fans (70k on average) you make a whopping D6 – 5 in cash. This means you have to selectively play other teams with high FF to be able to replace Casualties and ageing victims.

Tips:

TR Drag: How much fun is it to have to give 5 handicaps to equal TS teams every game? Of course you can get lucky, but in the end the frustration builds. This is made worse by the fact that cash shortages force you to keep niggled players on board. You WILL roll virus, and in those games you will likely suffer more CAS against, due to your guys being outnumbered.

Tip: This is the time to start doing some research. It is both fun and useful to develop some rivalries against other teams with legends on board. In these games you will be able to play against fewer handicaps, and most likely make some cash as well. Just buddy list the coaches who have such teams, and don’t forget to put on a good show for the tons of spectators drawn to these kinds of games.

SPP Hogging: What to do when your star consumes ever increasing portions of the SPP your team gains? I have found that in the end, it’s the more the better. This might sound strange, but let me explain. As discussed above you will not be able to replace players because of failed ageing rolls all the time. Once you hit the higher regions of TR you will make at most 20k to 30k per game in revenues. As a consequence you can’t afford to build other players than your star up in SPP too much. I do realise this is a straight contradiction of the normal ways to build a successful team, but then again, this is about record hunting with stars, not about winning the Ulthuan Inviational.

Tip: Only build your other players up to their maximum usefulness level. As before, this is a principle that applies in different ways for different races. For instance a CD Blocker only needs Guard and MB. All skills after that you risk ageing for little gain.

For agile races this distinction is not that strong, but the need to keep them from ageing is even stronger than in bashies, since you probably lose players on the pitch more often.

n the end, nothing will save your star from retirement. Even the best team manager on FUMBBL can not hope to keep his team alive or even competitive for long once the star takes the TR above 300, at least not without consistently staying away from anything that might cause an injury or 2 to his players. Just set yourself a goal for which record you want to break, and once you break it retire the star and save yourself the pain of trying to beat Fro’de. Trust me on this one…

A wardancer leaping agilely over your line of blockers to attack the ball carrier from behind; the pure speed of a OTS gutter runner blazing past, dodging through tz’s at will; a monster chaos warrior shredding all within reach with his claws and strength. Who can deny the imagery which comes to mind when you hear about the exploits of these stars of the pitch? Everybody dreams of having that unstoppable legend, the one who can single-handedly win the day despite whatever odds are in his way. They’re fun, they’re flashy, and you need them to win and be competitive…right?

What about the lowly lineman? They’re weaker, slower, less agile. They’re given fewer skills to start, with fewer opportunities to learn new skills as they mature. Unappreciated, given all the dirty and dangerous assignments (how many will ask a thrower to stand next to the opposing big guy when there’s a handy lino waiting for an assignment?)…nevertheless, it’s the lineman who makes the team function, who spells the difference between a good team and a great one.

How can I say this? Let’s look at the advantages a lineman will bring to a team:

• First and foremost, the lineman is (generally) the cheapest member of the team. This means in times of rebuilding when stars are hurt and/or need to be replaced, the task of playing a game and continuing the team falls on the shoulders of the lineman.

• Even the worst player on a team provides TZ’s. LOS duty usually falls to the lineman, freeing up valuable blitzers/catchers to do their thing. Stick a lineman next to enemy bashers, force them to either risk a dodge to attack your catcher or hit the lino instead.

• Two words…FOUL TRADE. Every time you foul the opponent, you are offering a trade…I will lose my fouler if you lose your foulee. The dice ultimately decide whether or not this trade will go through, but when you’re offering a 6 spp lineman in exchange for a mega-star positional, then even if you’re ejected the advantage swings to your team.

• Even the best positional needs help now and then. Your gutter might be fast, but he’s weak and fragile. Your chaos warrior might be strong, but without support he can be ganged up on. Now, throw in the lineman…he stands between the enemy and the team’s stars. He watches their backs. He lends that crucial assist when needed, or simply a body to fill a gap, whether standing or prone.

• Psychology 101. Very few people take the time to skill up their linemen to any extent beyond 1 or 2 skills…fact is, in all of FUMBBL history there have only been 26 legends whom you can classify as a “lineman,” 14 of elven descent. (Note: Chaos, Nurgle and Lizardmen are excluded from this figure, as there is very little separation between their linemen and positionals.) So if your opponent doesn’t have useful linemen, he might not be expecting you to have one, giving you the edge when the stress of the game is upon you, and a quick glance might reveal a lineman, yielding much surprise when that lineman devastates your plans through superior skills.

Throwers direct the offense until a catcher can get free for a score; blitzers do the heavy hitting, opening up holes for the catchers and removing enemy players. Monstrous big guys are the center of much controversy, and you are ALWAYS aware of where the enemy ogre is at all times on pitch! But it’s the lineman, that self-sacrificing player, who comes to the game each day, does his job quietly, and goes home to nurse his injuries and prepare for the next game, who keeps a team playing through all the injuries and player turnover. It’s about time we gave the lineman his due, and remembered who it really is that makes the team go round.

Introduction

Since the release of third edition, and the introduction of the turnover rules, the mantra of the experienced Blood Bowl coach has been: 'Do the easy things first!' In fact, do the automatic things first (roll over stunned, stand up, movement); then the easy things (two dice blocks with Block); and leave the crazy dodge, pass, catch, dodge, GFI moves until the end of your turn: if you're going to do them at all!

Now this is sound advice in practically all situations: however, perhaps not for all team lists. In particular, I'm thinking about Wood Elf teams here (this might apply to Pro Elves too, but who would care?), which in my experience actually require a different set of coaching assumptions to get the best from them. For AV 8 Elves, man-marking and blocking the opponent back (with a little dodging and other unorthodox plays mixed in) is a much more viable strategy, so far less of the below applies to them.

Now, while Wood Elves can become one of the most effectively vicious teams (MA 7 AG 4 is great for setting up gang fouls), I think it's unheard of even on FUMBBL for Wood Elves to be run as a genuinely bashy team. Therefore, they are forced to depend on the agility game, with only selective, targetted blitzes and fouls.

Reliability of the blocking game vs the agility game

The agility game is inherently more unreliable than the blocking game. Even the most dependable agility roll (2+ with a re-roll) still fails 1 time in 36 attempts. Almost all agility roll failures end in turnovers (and Stand Firm is not available to Elves). The most dependable common Block (two dice in favour with Block skill and a re-roll1) fails 1 time in 1296 - or, to be totally accurate, that would be the chance of failure if coaches only ever re-rolled double skulls, and not any other result. Quadruple skulls might not feel that rare at times, but they are!

So: a careful blocking coach with plenty of re-rolls, who blocks only with Block players, and doesn't re-roll too many neutral results, can expect to go many games without seeing a turnover from their blocking. To block is a fairly safe action, offering fair returns, which tend to build up the more you make. This is why block maximisation (ie making as many two dice blocks as possible through chain-blocking and skill selections like Guard and Frenzy) is such a predominant style in third edition play that it sometimes seems universal.

In general however, Wood Elf coaches simply don't have the option of this strategy. What's the point in maximising your blocks against Orcs, say, when they tend just to get up again whenever you hit them? And hit back harder? Agility rolls - quite a lot of them - have to be made at some stage.

This is where the problems start. Other teams may envy Elves their 2+ with re-roll agility rolls, but sometimes forget that Wood Elves (at least) need to make a lot of these. Wood Elves may typically make about 5 or 6 dodges per turn (and not all of these will have a re-roll available, either due to Tackle, or lack of Dodge skill); add to this a fair number of ball-playing rolls that they will tend to make in their plays; and you can expect to make maybe as many as 100 'easy' 2+ rolls per match. Even in the highly unlikely event that all these rolls have re-rolls, that can be expected to translate into at least three double-one turnover events per match. Elf coaches: don't complain about your bad luck at rolling double-ones unless you can exceed this average!

The actual number of turnover events will probably be higher than three (due to some rolls being made without available re-rolls, and some requiring a 3+ because of tackle zones). So, while many teams with a block-based game can hope to go an entire match without experiencing a turnover event, Wood Elf coaches can expect at least 1 in 4 of their turnovers to be caused by failures: more with fewer skill and Team re-rolls, and more the riskier the plays that are attempted.

Stunty Leeg Turbo!

Of course, it is high movement which balances this out. While even four turns is an above average speed at which to score a caging touchdown against a serious defence, Wood Elves can easily score in two turns, and sometimes even in one. This means that you don't need your game to be perfectly reliable: if the dice come off for you just a few times in the match, that should produce enough touchdowns to beat anything a slower team might manage.

Some coaches know this as Stunty Leeg tactics: try some crazy, high pay-off move, and just hope it comes off. Wood Elves, however, can take stunty-style tactics to a new level, because: higher AG means that more of these crazy stunts will actually work; higher MA means that when they do work it is easier either to score from them, or to move the ball to where the opposition can't get it; Wood Elves are (somewhat) more survivable than stunty players (especially if they have Blodge), and so should usually have enough players remaining to carry on with these kind of tactics effectively throughout the whole match (7 is plenty, fewer can still be enough depending on the opposition).

Block-minimisation?

The key to this kind of play is counter-intuitive to many coaches: do not block unless you have good reason! Just because you could bring up an assist to create a favourable two dice block with a Block player, does not mean you should automatically do so. Your opposition will almost always have higher AV, and you won't have much Mighty Blow or many other skills to counteract that. You are not going to win many games on a basis of eliminating more opposing players than the other coach does your own. Thus, choosing to block offers far more limited returns to a Wood Elf coach than to many.

More importantly, by choosing to block you lose flexibility in choosing where to place your (often few in number) elves. Assuming you have brought up one elf to assist, and used another to block, these are two elves, close together, who - even if they are not actually in an opposition player's tackle zone - are probably close to other opposing players, possibly in danger of being surrounded. If they are where you want them to be on the pitch for your overall strategy, this is fine. If they are now stuck in some irrelevant quarter of the pitch, it's not. Whenever you take a block action, that MA 7+ you paid out for is wasted - you might as well be an Orc!

If the ball goes loose elves already have the advantage. If they are spread out across the pitch that advantage is redoubled, all the more so if some are unmarked. Think about where the ball might go if it somehow went loose. If it is out wide, I even like to have some elves on the diagonals along which it would be thrown back in should it go out of play. It may be unlikely, but it's generally a better use of a spare Line-elf than as more block fodder for an opposing Black Orc.

Doing the risky things first

Dodging away instead of using a two dice block to push the opponent away is generally more risky, for all that it offers more flexibility. For that reason, my tendency with Wood Elves is actually often to do the most risky, high-return things first. When on offence, assuming I have the ball safe and deep, I will frequently do my blitz - or other effort to create an opening for the score - before dodging my Line-elves away, or making any block actions I plan to make. Similarly, on defence, if I mean to make an attempt at going for the ball-carrier, I will often do this straight away, instead of saving this often risky move till last.

The reason for this is that all those dodges away are risky! Far more risky than two dice blocks, as noted above. I do not want a turnover before I get the chance to make my big move, nor do I want to end up wasting a Team re-roll on something that matters far less to me than that big move!

What is more, if the big move does come off, I want to have players who still have yet to act and can capitalise on its success. This applies particularly on defence. If the Wardancer knocks the ball loose from a cage, it will often be possible for it to bounce clear to a huge number of different locations: wherever it ends up, I want to have a Line-elf not far away, who hasn't acted yet, available to cover that ball, and another to go for the riskier pick up, who can then attempt a throw to the elf who should always be waiting to score.

To be continued...

It's been almost a year. Even though I have been spending quite a bit of time "away" from FUMBBL, the site has undergone a few changes since then. The Team Strength formula went through some minor modifications, some additional statistics matches and teams were added and a few other small patches and additions.

Recently, the upper limit of the "40 strength rule" in the Ranked division was changed. The rule now applies to teams below TS 250. This change was made because we were seeing the high-end teams play a lot of quite one-sided games with extreme strength differences. This is not something I want to encourage and this change will force those teams to play more balanced games.

Naturally, this means that the number of potential opponents for those teams were drastically reduced. The coaches of the high-end teams are now forced to work harder to find games. I personally hope that this change will make these teams choose to participate in the major tournaments to a higher extent. To see these super teams fight for glory against other very high-end teams is a great experience.

Looking forward, I am currently working on redesigning the player image gallery section of the site. The new system will have some features a lot of you have been requesting for quite a while. Apart from being a lot more responsive and technically "cool", it will support folders (!!). There are still some design decisions I have to make for the new system but I'm sure you will appreciate the end result.

With that, I will end the Admin Corner for this time and let you get on with the rest of this GLN issue.

I'm pretty sure most of you know what #fumbbladmin is, the place were we admins slack around and think of new and exciting ways to annoy you. Many of you have already been there, some for getting help, others because they got blocked for some reason. Most of the issues get dealt with rather smoothly, but sometimes it gets complicated due to missunderstandings, stubbornness or incorrect info on either side (contrary to folk myth, the admins are not perfect, only nearly so). Maybe I can give some hints in this article on how such situations can be avoided, or at least explain how the administrative system works.

First of all, if you find your account suddenly blocked that means that we need to talk to you. Since we can't monitor all channels and the website at all times and wait until you show up, we block people to make sure they contact us instead. Usually there is no reason to be upset about this and come in addressing the admins in an angry tone. We realise that our ways of contacting you may seem harsh and the equivalent of swatting a fly with an anvil, but they save us a lot of time, and joining the admin channel is a very small effort on your part. If the issue is trivial or just "we need to talk", you'll be unblocked before two minutes are out. Entering the channel and demanding to know which idiot blocked you usually delays that process by a long while (nobody likes being called an idiot).

If you join the channel (this applies to any IRC channel, not just #fumbbladmin) you should read the topic - that's usually the place the code of conduct of the relevant channel is stated. In #fumbbladmin it reads as follows: "Just state your problem and an admin will help you as soon as one is available. Please do not ask for team approvals. DON'T IDLE"

So what does that mean? It means what it says, obviously. The admins are not on-line 24/7 and they do not monitor the channel as vigilantly as hawks. If you state your problem after you enter, it means that when an admin comes back from being AFK, he (or she) can read the problem and immediately go to work sorting it out. If a new admin joins the channel, they will not have the log so you'll want to repeat your problem. This saves time. Additionally, while reasons for entry such as "I'm going stay here for a while just to see who comes in" show a healthy curiosity at work, we prefer to handle people's cases in an admin-only environment. So please, if you have no problem that needs solving, do not idle in the admin channel.

On to the actual problem-solving part. A rather detailed explanation of your problem would be useful, rather than things like "I've got a problem" or "Can you help me?" - the answers to which are invariably "Yes, that's why you're here" and "That depends on what your problem is" respectively. After you have stated the problem, the most frustrating part arrives. We know that when someone comes to the channel he would like to get helped immediately (who can blame you for wanting to go back to playing Blood Bowl as soon as possible? Not me), but you must be aware that we don't sit there all day waiting for people to come in. We have jobs, or duties, in real life as well. Much as we'd like to employ an Indian help-desk for you, admin work is still done on a volunatry basis. We are usually busy doing other stuff (like playing a game, for instance) and check back into the channel from time to time.The bottom line is that you may have to exercise patience - especially if you happen to be as unlucky as to arrive in a time-zone that is sparsely populated by admins, all of whom are currently on holiday. If you run out of time, simply leave and return at a later date - perhaps you might look at submitting a support ticket instead. This is another reason why a detailed problem description is invaluable - that way we can check our chat backlogs when we return to the channel and see if we can just fix the problem without you being there.

If you are still there when an admin addresses you, the best way to get everthing solved is to answer our questions, truthfully and correctly. So what do I mean by correct lyas opposed to truthfully? I'll give a simple example: two match reports which differ at the amount of serious injuries:

Admin: "How many SI did you cause?"

Correct/useful replies:

User: "2."
User: "1 niggle (apothed) 2 MNG."

Incorrect/useless replies:

User: "Score was 3 - 2."
User: "I think i did some BH."
User: "Ehr.. can't remember"

This may seem silly to you, but these are things that actually happen. They are funny in retrospect, but not when you're handling the situation. Something which isn't funny, but is relevant and also needs to be addressed, is the response "My report says 4". We know what your respective reports say - after all, they uploaded and we can see them using our Admin Powers(tm). What we would like you to tell us is what you remember rather than what your reports say. It can happen that you forget - we've had instances where people couldn't remember how many Touchdowns they had actually scored. It's annoying, but it happens. When you end up in a fight about whether the score was 4 - 3 or 4 - 2, please remember that it is only a game and act reasonable.

If you get directed to the admin channel for a rules violation the situation is usually a bit more tense, from both sides. From our side, we don't like people breaking the rules. From your side, you might feel falsely accused. Nevertheless we usually try to be objective on the case. Of course if someone has dropped five games in the last two weeks and he comes into the channel because he's done it a sixth time (this is an unrealistic event as it is unlikely we'd just let you off with a record like that), we get a bit annoyed which might show in our behaviour towards him. Not everyone breaks the rules on purpose, but ignorance is no excuse - the rules were there all along and you should have read them. Even language is no longer a big issue with the multiple translations available.. As long as people understand what they did wrong or what the problem is and stick to the rules from there on out, everything is fine. We get upset when people tell us that we don't know what we are doing, or that we should go away, or that they simply don't care about the rules. Above all, please be reasonable and you'll find that we are too.

Sometimes there are long discussions in the admin channel with obstinate rules breakers and of course this wears on us, so if some poor guy stumbles in the room shortly after that because of some silly mistake, it might happen that we're a bit snappy. If you have experienced this, we'd like to apologize for that, and to everyone who has suffered from it. However, we'd also ask you to bear with us, since we too are onyt human and though we strive for complete objectivity, it doesn't always work out that way.

In general, we just want people to act reasonable and to stick to the rules of the site. If we can help we are glad to do so, but please keep in mind that the admin channel is neither the primary tech support source for the site nor for the client. The main channel and the forum are usually much more appropriate and the chance to find a tech guru there who can solve your obscure java error is probably much higher.

As a closing not, I'd like to add that there is no need to suck up to us or tell us how great we are. In the cases of Grumbledook and Mezir, they already have a rock-solid belief that they are the best this world has to offer. For the others, a simple "thank you" usually suffices when you feel that you have been helped. After that, please do not idle - feel free to leave the channel and have fun playing Blood Bowl.

I hope this article will have helped make your next visit to #fumbbladmin a more pleasant and swifter experience.

Regards - the Anonymous Admin

From time to time the subject of sportsmanship is brought up. Sometimes in relation to a particular event in the match such as fouling, crowding or lack thereof, sometimes in general terms such as white/black lists, forum bragging and the like. We set out to talk to a few coaches for their take on sportsmanship and gentleman behavior.

First off we’re speaking to Emphasy – a coach with more than 1100 ranked games and previous coach of Girly.inc – an Amazon team known for taking on almost all challenges.

GLN: First off, what would be your definition of a gentleman opponent?

Emphasy: Mmm... A guy that play as if its a game and not his life depending on him winning, not taking the bad luck against him too bad (cursing a little is obviously in order) and makes moves that makes me go "WooooW!"

GLN: That was mainly regarding off-pitch behavior, how about on-pitch actions?

Emphasy: Mmm, turn 16 crowding/fouling for no reason is just about the only thing I dislike or when the game is already decided, before that stalling, fouling, crowding is all good.

GLN: So the second the outcome is given everything stops? Not a little extra blood on the field for kicks?

Emphasy: There are always the fouls for team-preservation. Fouling that claw/rsc/po player just makes sense if he has a chance to hurt my players. But sometimes good sense and sportsmanship doesn't go hand in hand.

GLN: Does your playing style differ in tourneys, faction etc. Emphasy: Tourneys are different. It’s like everyone feels its ok to be dirtier there. So naturally everyone is.

GLN: how about smack talk, match reports and the like?

Emphasy: I don´t really do match reports or smack talk, only if it was a particular fun/crazy match.

GLN: Last one, which coach would you mention as being the perfect gentleman?

Emphasy: Kfoged. He just nicely sums up what I like in an opponent.

GLN: Thanks for your time.

Emphasy: No problem.

Next we moved on to dadoz, a well known coach with a preference to the more bashy teams for his take on the subject.

GLN: so dadoz, you have a reputation as a heavy fouler, care to comment on that?

dadoz: Well, I do what I have to do to get that extra advantage… Some games vs. some coaches tend to get really bloody though, pain is pleasure!

GLN: I bet some coaches would disagree there. What is your definition of a gentleman player?

dadoz: A player who, no matter what, enjoys the game and can laugh and make me laugh.

GLN: How about on-pitch actions, like the classy T16 foul?

dadoz: Ahh, I have a little split feelings here. It all depends on the coach and the situation. If I play a coach I know and we like to bash each other up, and he still has an apo, I might throw in a boot. Otherwise, I try to restrain my self as far as I can. *wink*

GLN: Does your style vary a lot from open play to tourneys and faction/ladder?

dadoz: I try to play the same in factions and in ranked. The only time I play "different" is maybe when I am playing a tournament, then there is not much I wont do to win =). Games just matter more as they are the ones I'm looking forward to when I am playing with a team and building them up to TR 200+. Tournaments are for real, no cherry picking no excuses! It's true competition.

GLN: How about smack talk and match reports?

dadoz: I try to keep them short and fun and generally only do them is something nig happens, like the death of a legend. I haven’t really done smack talk that much, gonna have to improve on that I think. I like things that make me laugh so I do what I can to experience them.

GLN: Well, say your opponent is not too fond of the boot. Would you take advantage of this poor skinny 15-year old geek for your own amusement?

dadoz: Hm, I like to picture my opponents as hot looking blondes in their twenties. Don't you go around spoiling that image for me…

GLN: Maybe I should try that… Well then, even at the expense of some hot looking blond in her twenties who is just dying to have fun?

dadoz: Hehe, playing me IS fun! It's just a different kind of fun that they're maybe not used to.. No but seriously, I am not out after destroying a team if that’s what you're after. I foul tactically, most of the time anyways. If I see that my opponent profits from me fouling, then I won’t do it. Why did you pick me for this interview, anyway?

GLN: Because you play hard but not Wuhan-hard.

dadoz: Aww yeah, finally some recognition.

GLN: How about wizards/stars/altering TR for handicaps etc..? Telling the opponent or not telling?

dadoz: Definitely telling. Doing that post agreement is a bit cowardice.

GLN: Lastly name a coach that – in your opinion – is the perfect gentleman.

dadoz: Tough one…But I’ve had a few good ones with Qaz. He is a kickass coach.

GLN: Thanks for your time.

dadoz: You're welcome – will I get rich and famous now?

GLN: Uhm… Yeah… Certainly… The cheque is in the mail…

We move across the sea to North America where Falcone is awaiting us.

GLN: What is your definition of a "gentleman player"?

Falcone: I would say it is some one who treats his opponent with respect by trying to stay calm and not get too crazy when the luck factor is not going there way I mean we all deal with the same crappy luck every so often.Also the turn 16 foul would be a nono.

GLN: Ah yes, the foul…I was getting to that.

Falcone: I am not much of a fouler but I understand the use of it and I don’t gripe unless it happens to be a foul without a purpose. Purposeful fouls include getting numerical superiority off course. Basically, only fouling when it does not affect game outcome gets to me.

GLN: Do you employ dirty players?

Falcone: Yeah I’ve had one or two but I only use them defensively. Like on my Wood Elf team. I understand why my opponent fouls but I don’t do it myself. Probably to my disadvantage.

GLN: Does that go for stalling as well?

Falcone: I understand why my opponent does it, to beat a well coached elf team or skaven team stalling is definitely usually needed when coaching a bruising team. Orcs, dwarves and such.

GLN: Does your style vary in the different divisions or tournaments?

Falcone: Well, if I am using elves against some claw/rsc monstrosity like in the recent FC qualifiers and he is knocked down I may have to give him the boot. I didn’t use to do that though. But in my strange brand of logic I don’t foul non team destroyer type players like Oneturners, even though it would increase my chance of winning getting them out of the game.

GLN: How about match reports and smack talk? Does that add to the game?

Falcone: I enjoy it. I should do it more I think, especially the match reports.

GLN: Last one, name a coach that – in your opinion is the perfect gentleman.

Falcone: Kfoged would be my first choice. He plays a nice brand of ball with his elves and he’ll play almost any team with them.

GLN: Thanks for your time.

Falcone: No problem.

We finish off by talking a bit to Malthor. I doubt he needs further introduction as he has been along forever it seems he has been along forever. His Blood Falcons are a tremendous team and without comparison the team with the highest TR/TS in ranked division.

GLN: What’s your take on sportsmanship?

Malthor: I think sportsmanship in javabowl entails respecting your opponent, recognizing that you and he/she may see things differently, and have different reasons for playing and to try and make the game enjoyable for both parties if possible whilst still playing competitively.

GLN: And what about the whole “Fouling – part of the game” – issue?

Malthor: Fouling….. I don't do it a lot in my ranked games these days because it is hard enough to find high TS teams to play without maiming them till they are out of your range, and also, as I want my games to be fun for both parties, I have no problem being fouled.

GLN: You playing style vary some from open to tournaments, right?

Malthor: In tournaments I foul just as ruthlessly as the next guy. In fact, I will sometimes do turn 15 and 16 fouls against opponents because the specs demand it. Tournaments involve a higher community involvement and when there are 50-100 specs watching, part of the mutual obligation is to entertain the specs.

GLN: Oh, a real crowd-pleaser, eh?

Malthor: I am not a crowd-pleaser, more an antivillain to those who hate my elfbowling style.

GLN: Is there a connection between choice of race and "sportsmanship" - eg both players having fun?

Malthor: Only in the most general sense, khemri and CD coaches laden with DPs can be very sporting too. It is all about the expectations of each coach. If each coach goes in knowing how the other coach has played in the past, then I don't see how race in itself has anything to do with sportsmanship.

GLN: How about first time against a coach?

Malthor: I can look at his records, cas ratio, win percentile, etc. but none of this will tell anything about his sportsmanship. I can only judge his sportsmanship by watching his games or finding out on the pitch. But generally I expect my opponent to do what he has to, to win. But it is just a game.

GLN: Just a game, eh? Don’t you want to win?

Malthor: Winning is nice, but I have lots of fun in draws and losses too. To me, getting through the match with some money and no one maimed is much more satisfying :). One of my most favorite moments on fumbbl was earlier this year when I got trounced 1-4 or something with a lot of bad rolls not helping. After the game, my Witch Elf got +1 Str. and made her 126 roll without ageing. A fantastic match and well worth the drubbing on the scoreboard :). Winning is just not as important as it used to be.

GLN: A true gentleman…

Malthor: Nah, just older and a parent. A fortnight ago, I was playing a game and getting drubbed... some bad luck etc. Then my little girl came to me and was tugging on my leg saying "daddy, daddy" and wanting me to play with her. Who cares about a little bad luck in a computer game when you have a little person who loves you?

GLN: Stop it, I’m getting nauseous… Lastly name a coach that you perceive at a gentleman player?

Malthor: Tell you the truth; I can't name any one coach. I have played a lot of coaches, and they all have good and bad days like every other human being. I certainly respect a lot of coaches for various reasons. But I can't name one above the others who is clearly more invested than the others in playing a fair tough game whilst also wanting it to be fun for everyone.

GLN: Fair enough, thanks for your time.

The community has spoken. Ranging from Falcone's “hurt me but I won't hurt you” to dadoz' “pain is pleasure”, the community stands divided on the issue. One thing is for certain though: it is all about having fun playing a board game with friends.

Jim: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls and monsters! I'm Jim and this is Bob, and were delighted you could join us for another exciting matchup! Today we're watching the Wood Elves of Farwoods Revenge team wrestle in the mud and rain against the skaven Weapon Masters. These two teams have got a bit of a history against each other, so what's your prediction on the outcome of this one, Bob?

Bob: Well Jim, I think there are going to be patches of fur and ponytails all over the pitch!

Jim: We can only hope, Bob.

The Wood Elves win the toss and elect too receive. The Weapon Masters set up in their popular reverse arrow head formation, with 3 demoralized linemen facing up against Farwood's Revenge's towering treeman. As soon as the whistle blows Farwood's Revenge's snaps into action. They secure the ball in seconds, a player hanging back deep in their half with it, waiting for an opening or a passing oppurtunity. They make it look like child's play, with shoving match ensuing over the line of scrimmage. All that shoving is paying off as a hole appears down the right hand side of the pitch. The ball carrier has seen it and is racing off towards it to capitalize on the oppurtunity, before the skaven defenders can plug it up again.

Jim: Did you see that, Bob?

Bob: I sure did Jim! Farwood's well-known powerhouse Zen Nightbringer just thundered into the skaven half, landing a tackle on the skaven thrower so hard that even my teeth shook. I don't see any blood, but the poor rat's not getting up and is being dragged off the pitch with what looks to be a concussion.

No sooner has the action started than it's stopped again. Farwood's Revenge delivers the ball into the Weapon Masters' endzone in under one minute. But will their defence be as sharp? The set-up they are employing is best described as "a bit of a blob".

Bob: Look at that, Jim. The Weapon Masters are sending Tonfa out on the pitch, a renowned player of questionable talents! Out of all his games this season he has only finished 2 without being ejected!

The ball is kicked and the offence flies into action, barging down the left hand side of the pitch.

Bob: Blimey, Jim, look at all that blood! It seems that Wakizashi of the Weapon Masters has sprung a leak. And it looks like Zen Nightbringer is the culprit again! Brutal play for an elf.

Jim: And there's the Weapon Masters' apothecary, sprinting onto the pitch, dodging those battle-worn players with such finesse that he's sure to have the scouts out there drooling! A few steroids and Wakizashi is back on his feet in no time! Let's hope that doesn't happen again, Bob, as the apothecary is only allowed on the pitch once per game.

Bob: I'm going to have to butt in here, Jim, but Falor Mistrunner is being dragged off by the stewards as we speak. It seems the Wood Elf Blitzer lost some teeth! Wow! There goes another one! The apothecary must have put something extra into Wakizashi's steroids, as he's showing that he's no sissy. I cuold hear that crunch from here! Avate Mistwalker's jaw has got to be broken!

Jim: All this blood is whetting my palate, Bob.

The ball is still far back in the Weapon Masters' half while the skaven blockers are trying to fend off those dancing Wood Elfs so they can get a pass off. The pass is made eventually, and Gutter Runner Xbow goes charging down the pitch. It's a race to the endzone, where Tonfa is waiting for the ball, but the Gutter Runner has a clear lead over all of the Wood Elf defenders. It's up to Tonfa as Xbow hands him the ball, but he drops it!

Jim: Tonfa was miles away! Day-dreaming in the endzone of all places! The obscenities that Xbow is now treating him to are making even Bob blush. But he seems to have forgotten about the two Wood Elf defenders in his anger and is now ploughed head first into the ground! What a tackle! The elfs are quick to recover the ball, which is hurled down the pitch and received by an eager lineman, trying to make his name as he drives into the skaven half.

Bob: I certainly don't recognise him.

Jim: Have you ever seen something so graceful, Bob? Look at him dodging past the Weapon Masters hurried defence.

Bob: Not often, Jim, not often, but he's got a ratman coming in from either side now. Yup, they've got him and he's gone down hard. Save's me the bother of looking up his name.

The Weapon Masters recover the ball and it's lobbed back down the pitch. It's quickly forced into the hands of Xbow, who is just regaining his senses in the endzone.

Jim: Touchdown Weapon Masters!

After a few seconds, the players run, or in some cases limp, back into their starting positions. The Weapon Masters kick the ball high and it lands squarely in the hands of the Wood Elves' receiver. Farwood's Revenge start their drive with unusual strength, powering their way downfield.

Bob: Well, this is boring, Jim. Are the Weaopn Masters even still out there? Looks like the elves have given the ball to one of the team's nobodies and hauled him bodily into the endzone.

Jim: Well said, Bob, thank Nuffle for the half-time whistle. Time for a Blood!

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Jim and Bob had more than just a single Bloodweiser, and ended up missing the second half entirely! However, from what we've heard, there was a lot less blood in the second half, so they didn't miss much. Farwood's Revenge managed to hold the Skaven offence back and scored again to go 3 - 1 up. The Weapon Masters, however, snuck one back in the dieing seconds, and so it all ended at 3 - 2 in favour of Farwood's Revenge.

The Plight of Lord Fairelf

Dear Grudging Grum,

You may recall previously receiving my correspondence and I must apologise for not writing you back sooner - I have only recently managed to recover the use of my fingers. This aside, the matter upon which I wish to address you concerns your advice to myself and my team - the late Golden Nobles from Ulthuan. It appears that either you are incompetent, or merely vicious in an attempt to hurry us towards our doom.

Perhaps I should have been more wary when you addressed me as "Sir Elfypants" in your salutation, but I merely set this aside as an eccentricity brought on by your long-time contact with something that is, after all, a sport partaken in primarily by low-lifes. Be that as it may, the advice we received from you led us from bad to worse. Firstly, all the teams that you suggested we play were no more than common thugs. The disciples of Chaos, in particular, were a nasty lot. Not only did they not appear to have bathed in the last several weeks, they also had the audacity to lay hands on Duke Faraniel. Before we could come to his aid, no fewer than seven members of their team surrounded him to partake in some gruesome ritual. His Grace has not been the same since - even after his wounds healed. He still weeps whenever he sees a spoon, for instance.

I shall spare you the details of our other match-ups - no doubt you know how they ended. I had at least expected the Dwarfs to show some nobility in their action, or perhaps these Khemri who labeled themselves as "Tomb Kings". This, however; was not the case. Things went from bad to worse, and several members of our team have been permanently crippled. My good friend and life-long companion, Count Elmspar the Younger, even lost his life! Before we could revive him, the opposing team used some vile Necromancy and now he plays for them. The sight of his fine hands and beautiful golden hair deteriorating, the flesh rotting on his bones, has given me nightmares that I relive almost on a daily basis.

In conclusion, I must inform you that I am taking judicial action into consideration. I believe that I have a fine case for criminal negligence, and that even charges of murder may not be out of place. I am writing you to give you the chance to offer us your profound apologies and to perhaps make amends, or otherwise explain yourself.

Respectfully,

Lord Fairelf III, Heir to the Earldom of Dawngate.

*

Sir Elfypants,

It truly saddens me to hear of your plight, and I offer you my condolences for the loss of your wife - pardon me, I meant, of course, your friend - and the unfortunate events that have befallen your comrades. However, I must stress that you asked for opponent of a suitable "station". As you were, by your own admission, new to the game at the time of your first correspondence - or as we say in the business, a stupid noob - I took this to mean that you wished to play teams that were easy for you to defeat. Indeed, since you did not specify otherwise, that was the most likely assumption to make, as cherry seeks cherry.

Thus I offered you a series of slow and inagile teams, all of whom lacked any true skill in this game that we call Bloodbowl - graceful dodges and fast movement, the swift arcing flight of the ball from thrower to receiver, the skill and expertise found nigh only amongst the elven particpants of our fine sport. The stuff you pansies like.

At no point did you request for there to be no violence present in your games. Indeed, the more violent the team, the less likely they are to attempt to take the ball, by which it follows that the more psychothic the team, the easier it is to win. I thus, admittedly, offered you a series of hard-hitting opponents. However, you claimed to be fine elven lords to the elf - or so I assumed - and thus I thought it safe enough, for are not all elven lords skilled in the arts of battle? Or are you just talk after all?

I must therefore demand that you offer me an apology and withdraw your accusations that I am incompetent - I know my subject matter very well indeed. If you do not comply, I shall be forced to submit a lawsuit for libel, and we shall let our lawyers decide who is correct. Or I could ask an ogre team to come pay you a visit, it's all the same to me.

May you break a nail,

Grudging Grum

* * *

Brag of Roses

Dear Uncle Grum,

I play lots of games, making me a Bloodbowl star, I have a cuddly name, I even have lots scars to brag about, but still the girls never come to my room. What am I doing wrong?

Bag of Roses

*

Dear Bag of Roses,

What's this about you being a Bloodbowl star? Has it come to your attention that you play for a Chaos Dwarf team? That's right, read that again. Chaos. Dwarf. Other than your stuny-esque stature, there is nothing that would allow you to compare favourably towards any kind of dwarf. You are, and will always remain, a lowly goblin, albeit of the hob- subvariety. As such, you are nothing, a nobody, a mere footnote in the annals of your team's history.

You say you have scars to brag about? Give me a break - nobody is interested in the wounds left by the whips of your masters. You're a slave - a lowly worm! Go back to licking the bootheels of your betters. Perhaps one day they will deign to notice you and throw you a bone.

And as for the matter of girls, or reproduction, you can put that one right out of your mind. Even for a hobgoblin you are a pathetic specimen, unworthy to pass down your genetic characteristics.

I can't believe I just spent the effort of replying to this...

Grudging Grum

Uncle Grum hereby denies claims that Bag of Roses committed suicide after receiving his reply.

Editor's Note: As you are surley aware the FUMBBL Cup IV has already ended. This article was written as a preview of the event but due to the delay the current GLN issue suffered we were not able to present it earlier. We are sorry for that but be asured that this article still is worth reading, plus you now get the chance to directly compare the predictions with the actual outcome.

On 21 Sep 2005, the FBBA (FUMBBL Blood Bowl Association) headquarters announced the dates for the most prestigious event in all of FUMBBL, the FUMBBL Cup. Thirty-two teams, each a proven champion for having passed a rigourous series of qualification matches, would compete for this most illustrious and sought-after awards in sport. Entries came flooding into the FBBA from all sources: The top ranked teams in the sport today; the most famous coaches; the legendary teams with long histories of triumphs (and failures); relative newcomers off the streets, staking a claim to fame, and even whoever showed up off the streets! They all clamoured for one of the few entrance tickets, to be one of the 32 with dreams of one day being called The ONE.

At midnight of 25 Sep 2005, the action began with a BANG!! Would-be spectators push and shove for standing-room only views of the action, while those on the outside clamor for details! Who scored? Who got hurt? Who walked away with a place in the next round, and who just walked away? The suspense was incredible, and the spectators were getting their money's worth in every event!

All the heavy hitters are here, including Synn's Fun with Goats, a massive chaos team and crowd favorite for the extreme carnage generated, but just unlucky enough with the ball to be outscored and eliminated four times, thus failing to qualify for the Cup. That's the beauty of the qualifiers - lose and you're out of your current highway to the FC, but if you're brave enough you can jump right back into another qualification run. Such was the case with AFK_Eagle's legendary skaven team, the Weapon Masters. Although eliminated by a well-coached human team from the Long Lived Teams category, coach AFK_Eagle rebounded with one of the most unlikely and remarkable series of victories in FC qualification history! A staggering lineup of super-heavy hitters (orcs, dwarves, chaos) awaited them, and the hospitals were not disappointed -17 cas in three games, including two dead and 6 niggled rats - but though the Weapon Masters wobbled and shook, they didn't break, stubbornly scoring despite reduced numbers and earning their right to be in the Final 32!

But just getting there is only half the battle. Also qualified are such elite teams as the Orcs teams Butcher Boyz and Da 'Ard Boyz, two teams as tough as they come. Naama's Rhazgul's Judgement will put half your team into the injury box before you can blink, while the elves of kfoged's Nandorins have been in championship tournaments before and know how to win. What started to look like a very bashy cup this year - almost 2/3 of the first 16 contestants were either orcs or chaos - has evened out with the late inclusion of a large number of dark elf teams and a few skaven.

So who's the odds-on favorite to win this year? We have some stellar teams in the field, and the average coach ranking is an incredible 173! Average team rating? No less than 278! (And that's without counting the amazing Blood Falcons who are bringing their beefy TR 747 with them to the dance, which raises the average to 293...)

Ok, fine, there's no clear cut favorite, as they're all stellar teams and coaches. So who do you root for? The two wood elf teams, bravely facing possible doom at the hands of all those murderous orcs? The undead, who sacrificed much of their team just to qualify? The Nandorins or Blood Falcons, winners of so many tournaments between them? Or maybe you like blood and guts in your morning coffee, and will be cheering on one of the massive orc and chaos teams, screaming with glee at every casualty. Any way you look at it, the FUMBBL Cup surely is one of the year's most spectated and anticipated events, and is sure to provide ample entertainment for everybody!

Editor's Note: The Cup is done, and the Nandorins took it. There were many exciting matches and teams to be seen, though, and a lot happened. Additionally, there is the as yet unawarded Spectator's Team of the Tournament Award. Head over the the forums and cast your vote now!

The best thing about FUMBBL is the ability to leave the cherry picking filled Ranked division and play tough Div-U tourneys where you have no choice with who you get stuck playing. You play who you are told to play, and anything can happen. I have been lucky enough to be involved with one long standing KO Tourney: Blutballas Cup.

Although I have no idea the history of what “Blutballas” stands for, I do know that the group was formed by Anchorhead and started play in August, 2003. Grobmotoriker BC coached by Heuschreckenmann (Old World) beat a Lustrian team for the 1st cup back when the Allied teams were still allowed.

After Anchorhead disappeared from FUMBBL, Barash took over the group around Blutballas V and asked me to help out. Barash then disappeared before Blutballas X and I was left in control. I have held onto the original concepts of keeping this a mid-TR tourney (175-200TR) and ensuring a good mixture of races (max 3 per race). I also added my own personal stamp with the max 1 DP, max 1 Claw/RSC rules to encourage the elves of the world to join. Still, we have only had 1 elf team win in the 1st 12 cups.

Through 11 cups the race winners have been Dwarf (x3), Human (x2), Old World, Orc, CD, Necro, Norse, and High Elf. TinkyWinky has been the best coach in the tourney history with 3 championships, 2 with humans and 1 with High Elf. Zweiblumen has done well with a win and a runner up, and Tricktickler has 2 runner ups.

Blutballas XII has just started with a good mixture of core veterans and new teams. It’s great to see some coaches stick with their teams throughout the 12 cups, as rivalries build and on-field grudges become legend. I look forward to running this for years to come as it becomes one of the longest standing KO tournies on FUMBBL.

In with the NEW: Champions Cup Challenge

Inspired by the Orca Cola Classic group (BB-Pad), I decided to start a similar group for North American time zones. I love Orca CC, but trying to play all those Swedes in my time zone was killing me. Thus, a North American time zone group was created.

The basic concepts are the same as Orca CC, multiple KO tournies throughout the year offered at various TR levels, culminating in a year-end all inclusive tourney to help declare the annual Cup winner. The pros are you can play with any TR team, and because there are tournies every month, you can take a month off, and return to play in the next tourney. As with all my tournies, limits are in place for DPs and Claw/RSC.

The group currently has 61 teams and will start play January 1st, 2006. Signups for the January tournies will begin in December. I’m sure once the group gets underway, we will have additional teams joining throughout the year. We are way short on undead type teams. So if you have any spare Undead, Necro, Vamp, Khemri teams lying around feel free to sign them up.

Editor's Note: The Champion's Challenge has started and is still continuing with monthly tourneys. It currently contains no less than 120 teams!

The past teams of BloodBowl players - angry at no longer being given the chance to play as they once had - formed their own league: "BloodBowl Veterans", more commonly known as BBVets. As news of the new league spread throughout the earth, teams from far and wide travelled to sign up, all vying for the #1 spot. After a vicious clash between all the head coaches, it was decided to settle the argument once and for all. The Alpha Tourney was created!

It was decided to first find the Alpha team from each race. The victors would then play off in a final to decide the Ultimate Alpha team / race.

Orc faced Orc and carnage ensued, casualties where high: 9/4/1. Though the battles were hard fought, Ironclaw Orcs came away with the title.

Homo Sapiens followed, bringing more injuries and bloodshed: 7/8/5. Inquisitors walked away victorious although slightly bruised and battered.

Chaos / Rotters clashed horns and rotten flesh to slog it out in an attempt to prove their worth. A cas tally of 6/6/1 was seen as lame by the other races. Although the final needed OT to decide a victor, Whisky by the Jar managed to sneak past Rite of Darkness on the toss of a coin.

The Skavens showed everyone how it was done, producing the the highest casualty rate of all: 22/7/4. This left the Crookback Creepers singing through the gutters after clinching the title.

The Chaos Dwarves tried without success to claim the bloodiest title causing just 8/9/3 casualties, and handing the title to Bull Rush.

The Muppet Babies brought down the MG Giants as the only 2 stunty teams entered, claiming the stunty title.

With scores of players either dead or dying, only 4 teams made the Semi Finals of the Ultimate Alpha team.

Semi 1: Inquisitors faced off against Whisky by the Jar, after some amazing play on both sides, after 4/2/2 casualties, Whisky by the Jar made it to the final, battered, sore and players maimed for life but eager to continue and win the ultimate final.

Semi 2: Ironclaw Orcs faced the Crookback Creepers, although slightly one sided, seeing the Orcs trounce their opponents causing 2/0/2 injuries and securing the remaining place in the ultimate final.

The Final: Geared up and raring to go, Whisky by the Jar invited Ironclaw Orcs to come and pulverise them, baiting the brutish orcs. After a hard fought injury laden match 4/2/1, Whisky by the Jar were crowned The Ultimate Alpha Team, and therefore #1 in BBvets.

Whisky by the Jar were last seen celebrating their fascinating win on the blood smothered field of Toraknor, before heading off to find new recruits to help them maintain their title.

Item:	Admin Client
Category:	Software/Restricted/Rare
Description:	Used version of the famous Admin Client. Features are: direct realtime dice roll modification for play AND spectator mode via mouse or keyboard shortcuts, additional window showing all spectators and the emotes they use plus direct interfaces to chat and the FUMBBL site for blocking/kickbanning actions (admin and/or op privileges required for this to work)
Version:	v2.0
Requirements:	SkiJunkie's JavaBBowl Client 8.0a
Price:	Not to be announced in public, if you are interessted contact you know who

Have something you wish to sell? Here is how to submit it.

When I offered to act as Editor in Chief for the GLN, it was with the solemn promise to myself that come what may, I would get at least one issue published. That almost didn't happen. Deadlines for articles got missed, the original publication date (before the FUMBBL Cup started, four months ago at the time of this writing) came and went. Then the second possible publication date - after the Cup - sailed by. Christmas came and went and still no GLN was forthcoming.

The possibility exists that my usual reaction to things past their deadline - passiveness, inaction and cropped up guilt - were going to hold sway, and the GLN, so close to completion, would sit there silently and unvread. However, Mr_QB and Candlejack would not let me forget about it, and under the main impetus of Candlejack things started going forward once more, with the addition of new articles and the updating of old ones.

Mnemon stated in the last GLN that an editorial, or a word from the editor, had never been needed before. I agree that one is not technically needed - however, several articles in this issue of the GLN are severaly outdated, and I'd like to take this opportunity to accept responsibility for that, and to apologise to the writers of those articles. I expected too much, too fast and got discouraged when my expectations could not be met. I think much the same may have happened to Mnemon, and to BunnyPuncher after him.

In the end, one more year after the previous issue, and a full two years after the one before that, we are faced yet again with the fact that some people are almost irreplaceable. Again we are faced by a GLN editor apologising for failing to live up to the legacy of the man who started this project. I do not wish to be yet another voice heaping praise onto a man who was no saint (not that he doesn't deserve praise, because he definitely does, but nobody is perfect), but sometimes, when I see the way people act, when I read the countless complaints that abound everywhere on the site, I miss the jocular voice, the helpful man, the friendly rival - the gentle giant.

I hope that this issue of the GLN will be well received despite the laxness of the head editor. Many authors have worked hard on these articles and other editors such as Candlejack have often tried in vain to get me to assign them duties - the issue deserves a fair chance to be judged and read. I hope that the next issue of the GLN - which already has several articles for it pending - will be a more up to date one, published faster than the last two issues, and I hope that people will allow me to try and make it happen.

I'll add as a closing word that we are welcoming all the offers of help that you have! At the start of work on this issue, a lot of offers were forthcoming but only a select few actually came through. Artists, especially, are extremely welcome to submit their work, as you may have noticed that this issue of the GLN is severely lacking on the graphical and lay-outing side.

Hoping that no editorial will be necessary next time,

- Mezir

Where to contribute

Those wishing to contribute to the advertising sections of the Grotty Little Newspaper (GLN) should post in the appropriate section within the correctly dated GLN forum. These are regularly checked by the editors. If your forum contribution is erased, it was probably used and is safely tucked into the correct area of the GLN.

For those wishing to contribute an article to the GLN please go to the IRC channel #GLN and speak to Mezir or anyone willing to listen :) about it.

House style for the GLN

Articles in the Grotty Little Newspaper, like any publication, have a set of house styles which mean that certain elements appear in a consistent style across the whole issue. Specifically, please conform to the following rules:

• FUMBBL is spelt in all capitals... NOT Fumbbl.
• Blood Bowl is spelt as two words, both capitalised... NOT Bloodbowl or Blood bowl.
• Races and positions are capitalised when they are referred to individually, so for instance you would talk about an Orc Blitzer, not an orc blitzer.
• Skill names are also capitalised. Note that both Dump-Off and Throw Team-Mate have a hyphen, but Side Step and Bone Head do not.
• Coach names are referred to as they appear on their coach pages so that, for example, m0nty is not capitalised but Christer is.
• Be careful with apostrophes. Do not use them when talking about plurals, like SPPs.
• Question-and-answer (Q&A) interviews are normally done with the questions being preceded by GLN:, not the author's name. Carriage returns (i.e. a blank line) are inserted between the Qs and As. Stage directions (when you are describing something that is happening, not being said) are put after the speech in a new line, in italics. There are no quote marks around the speech sections.

The Grotty Little Newspaper would like to thank everybody who made this issue possible: