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Grooten's Thrower Camp: Phaedry Featherwind and Deshaun Watson


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On DSPN’s newest show “Grooten’s Thrower Camp,” famed elven ex-coach John Grooten breaks down the stunning thrower play in the Duqueswood University Green Dukes recent 5-2 win over the J.J.C. River Rats in the NCBB.

Transcript

John Grooten: Welcome to Grooten’s Thrower Camp. I’m John Grooten, and today I’m here talking with two of the most exciting young throwers in the game—Phaedry Featherwind from the Duqueswood University Green Dukes and Deshaun Watson of the JJC River Rats.

These two recently went head to snout in a real old fashioned barn burner. We’re talking a game featuring a total of eight combined passes and hand offs. That’s putting more balls in the air here than juggling Rotspawn.

Let’s get right into it and start here with the first touchdown. Now, Ms. Featherwind, You’re set up here with one elf going deep out here on a corner pattern, and then you got your peace dancer Rainbow Unicorn-Love out here in the flat looking for the hand off. What do you call this play?


Phaedry Featherwind: Well, that’s straight out of Coach Smithson’s old playbook. We call it the statue of libertree.

Grooten: Statue of what? No, no, no. In my coaching days, we called this Spider 2 Y Banana. I love that play. Just don’t ever try to run it with a simian team. I did that at Apelacian State and the players got so excited they nearly bit my hand off.

But look at this. You fake the deep pass, hand it to Unicorn Love, and she prances her way to the end zone.

Where’d you learn to handle the rock like that?

Featherwind: Actually, I don’t like to touch rocks. I prefer growing things, elements that surge with the great life-giving force of the all-mother.

Grooten: OK, well let’s take a look at how the River Rats got even here. Deshaun, what do you call this play?

Deshaun Watson: Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak.

Grooten: No, no, no. This is Spider 2 Y Banana, clear as day. But anyway, you fade back here real deep, and the Green Dukes defense, they pin their pointy ears back and come after you, but that’s what you wanted, so you can go over the top here to Amari Cooper for the touchdown. You set the trap, and they took the cheese—

Watson: Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak squeak!

Grooten: No. Sorry, that’s just an expression.

Watson: Squeak, squeak! Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!

Grooten: No, no, buddy. There’s no cheese in the building.

But anyway, let’s look at how the Green Dukes get back on top. OK, here we are midway through the first half, and you guys look like you’re in Spider 2 Y Banana again, right?

Featherwind: Actually, …

Grooten: Yeah, so you’re in Spider 2 Y Banana, and you got your team captain, peace dancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch being covered by a rat ogre. Prehensile tail waving all around his legs, snarling snout huffing and puffing cheddar breath all over him, and you decide to make the pass to your catcher, who then hands it to Whitebranch.

What?! What is the read here?

Featherwind: We call that, Chuck it—Dethwyntyr down there somewhere.

Grooten: Dethwyntyr down there somewhere? I like your style, kid.

Featherwind: Uh … thanks.

Grooten: You can run spider 2 Y banana for me anytime.

Featherwind: What does that even mean?

Grooten: Ok, let’s get back to Deshaun here. We’re in the second half now, the game’s 2-2, and the River Rats have a chance to bust this thing wide open. But here come the Green Dukes, full on zero blitz here, but you’re … What do you call this play:

Watson: Squeak squeak squeak—

Grooten: That’s right. Spider 2 Y banana. Now you got to tell me what you’re thinking here, because you’re gonna try to beat this blitz right over the top again, but this time, you got Whitebranch, one of the most agile elves in the league right in your face. So, what’s your read here?

Watson: Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak …

Grooten:

Well, I think you took the cheese on this one, my friend

Watson: Squeak, squeak…

Grooten: No, no, it’s an expression. Deshaun, you really need to relax. Maybe you should book yourself a massage or something. Anyway, what I’m saying is you fell right into Whitebranch’s trap, because he goes up, plucks the rock right out of the sky, and goes the other way for a pick six.

Featherwind: Dethwyntyr would never touch a rock either.

Grooten: I know, I know. That’s just another one of those expressions.

OK, last one here. Really some great ball-handling both ways in this game, but here we are late in the game, and the Green Dukes have pretty much put this one away, up 4-2, and Phaedry, here, you’re looking for more. What … What do you call this play?

Featherwind: Uh …

Grooten: Exactly! Spider 2 Y banana, love it. Now watch this throw. They say you learned to throw as a seed caster for the western wood-elf clans, so tell me, were you trying to plant this ball, because you put this thing right in the dirt here.

Featherwind: Well, I, uh …

Grooten: I’m just kidding you. Heck you’re elves. It doesn’t even matter. Just toss the ball up field and hope for the best, right? Your catcher, Zindari Dawnwind, she scoops this thing up and gets it to Koopyr Quick, and nobody’s gonna catch him.

So, there you go. You take this thing running away, 5-2. You know, they say touchdowns don’t grow on trees, but with you guys putting up a five-burger like that, I’m not so sure.

Hey, speaking of trees. You know what does grow on trees?

Featherwind: Leaves, blossoms, acorns …

Grooten: No, no, no – bananas. And you know what might crawl up a tree. Little thing with eight legs?

Featherwind: A spider?

Grooten: That’s right and if there were another one, there’d be ...

Featherwind: Two spiders …

Grooten: Exactly! And if one of them had a question, he’d maybe ask …

Featherwind: Why?

Grooten: There you go. And so you’d call that whole thing?

Featherwind: I’m not gonna say it.

Grooten: Aw, come one!

Featherwind: No, I know what you’re doing, but I’m not gonna say—

Grooten: Spider 2 Y banana!

Sunday 13th July 2025, at 9pm UK time, One World, One Blood Bowl will turn its beady eye upon the format wars gently rumbling under the surface of the Table Top Blood Bowl scene.

There have never been so many Blood Bowls, so much Bowling of the blood and such depth of TO depravity in ruleset design.
But in these end days of the ruleset (apparently), have Tournaments all gone bonkers? when was the last 1150, GW tiers with small bonus skill allocation to 2 and 3 and superstars banned or heavily taxed Tournament you saw? Has creativity eaten 'good' Blood Bowl? or are the grumblings of one increasingly out of date old man irrelevant to a diverse and varied offering meaning everyone gets their Blood Bowl fun?

It's probably the second one, isn't it? But it seems worth discussing.

Joined me are three TO's of note and substance, your panel:

PurpleChest: Why always me?
Kilowoggy: Single L, is it that that brings the weight? or his wealth of experience and knowledge of the US scene? Or the beard?
PunchyMcRagefirsts: Seems safest to keep the veteran 'part of it all' coach at screens length
CptOats: Named to represent that winning British Spirit, the new 'power that be' on the London scene.

They are going to have to endure me explaining why everyone is wrong, but these are experienced heads with things to say, and occasionally i might let them. It'll all go down live on https://www.twitch.tv/purplechest, be nice if you were there, but it'll also be a podcast and vodcast soon after, on YouTube all your podcasting options (assuming they scrape from Spotify, if they dont let me know). But no, it wont be a Reel, a Tik-Tok or a 'gram'. There are limits.

Applications are open for the upcoming Crown of Sand, which will be starting on Wednesday 16th at around 22:00.

The adored prize for the winner of this FUMBBL Major tournament is of course the Crown of Sand itself, which will be donned by a (surviving) member of the winning team. It will bestow +ST, Regeneration and Decay on its bearer at the cost of +80TV. It cannot exceed the +2 maximum in ST increase. It will be given out either immediately or after the team redrafted, if that happens immediately after the tourney.

Let us have a look at what happened to the crownbearers of the past, who got to wear these rare and prestiged items.

• CoS XII - Declan Carpo, Ghoul Runner for Candlejack's Shambling Undead team [BT9] Undead Shambles is a true king among his kind at 9/4/2+/4+/8+ blodge, sure hands, decay and regen. He is still active, so beware!
  
  
• CoS XI - Eat My Greens II, of Malmir's Lizardmen team Hell's Pavement, a block, BT, +ST, leader, guard, MB, tackle beast of a Saurus Blocker was slain in their FC XIX round 3 win vs SiPa's Nurgle team Pupsi.
  
  
• CoS X - Bre'nigan XIV, of Bazakastine's Lizardmen team K''Chain Che'Malle, a +ST, block, BT, +ST, leader, frenzy, juggernaut and MB demi-god of a Saurus Blocker commanded his team to a victory over Hell's Pavement in FC XIX round 4, who had just lost their own crownbearer, then picked up a smashed collar bone -ST injury in round 5 before the team lost in round 6 vs Joost. Since then, Bre'nigan XIV and his team are hibernating in Ranked, waiting for the right point in time to make a legendary comeback.
  
  
• CoS IX - Torrnizz, Saurus Blocker for Mateuszzzzzz' Lizardmen team Rraavvaattzzeewwaa, with +ST, block, BT, +ST, leader, regen, dodge, guard and tackle. Crownbearer and team, which also carries two Warpstone Mutations, are also sleeping in Ranked, giving us relative saftey for the time being.
  
  
• CoS VIII - Wiesbaden, Saurus Blocker for Jos75's Lizardmen team Hessens Clowns, with block, +ST, BT, tackle, +ST, decay and wrestle. Crownbearer and team are resting in B, Jos75 was last seen 6y ago.
  
  
• CoS VII - Schmerz VII, a crazy Beastman Runner for Ignaz' Chaos Chosen team Schnucken, harrassing opponents with +AG, block, +ST, decay, dodge, leap and very long legs! The crown is gathering dust on Schmerz' head sitting and waiting in B. Ignaz is active though, so this crown might still take to the pitch one day.
  
  
• CoS VI - Rolled total of 12 +1 Mighty Blow = 13, mighty Beastman Runner for Pirigin's Chaos Chosen team Cpomb, with Dodge, Block, +MA, Strip Ball, +MA, +ST and decay reigned the pitch for a long while until he was slain in Black Cup VII round 4 by Sotomonte's Chaos Dwarves.
  
  
• CoS V - Ignatius Grulgor, Bloater King for Jokaero's Nurgle team Death Guard Legion, with block, claws, +ST, decay, guard, MB, stand firm and tentacles brought pain and fear to the blackbox and was never once harmed. When the team migrated to the Competitive division, he was put to a well deserved rest. So now he is probably bringing pain and fear to a nearby golf club or fine dining restaurant.
  
  
• CoS IV - Lithul, feisty Hobgoblin for Tricktickler's Chaos Dwarf team Psychopathic Killing Machines!, with +AG, +MA, block, +ST, decay, fend and sure Hands is also gathering dust in B, Tricktickler never started playing in C.
  
  
• CoS III - Petri Koivisto, Rotspawn of Carnis' Nurgle team Oulun Nurglet, with block, +ST, decay, guard, stand firm. Still lives in this Blackbox team, but Carnis left 5 years ago.
  
  
• CoS II - won by JimmyFantastic's Nurgle team Griefers Gonna Grief.
  
  
• CoS I - won by rafadavila's Dwarf team ACEII Brotherhood.
  But for both these ancient teams, time has forgotten what became of the crown.
  
  So may I now interest you in making one of your own players a crownbearer? Nothing easier than that. Just APPLY to the upcoming CoS tournament. Well, and win it. Good luck!

Hi peeps,

Just a quick update to let anyone who cares that I will be away from FUMBBL for a while again.
I've left the family home after 36 years married. Basically things have not been working for years, and I came to the point that I couldn't stay for my mental health.

I still have Discord and know some of you on Facebook too.

Thanks to everyone who made our games enjoyable or had long chats with me over the years, it's not goodbye but see you again sometime.

Take care, Dal (Barrie)

Always a good time to rrrumble.

There are currently 7 teams missing to start another Royal Rookie Rumble! As soon as the required number of teams is reached, a new tournament will be started and all participating coaches will be notified via PM. If you are interested in joining, read here: Rules and then apply here: Application Please be aware Only teams from the Competitive division with 0 games played will be accepted. Every coach is welcome but the "Rookie" in Royal Rookie Rumble refers to the teams, not necessarily to the coaches! INDUCING STAR PLAYERS IS DISALLOWED IN RRR GAMES! Prizes Winner gets 100,000 gold pieces and a record on the coach profile.

The more I’ve played blood bowl, the more I’ve come to notice a pattern in many coaches that I think lowers their overall defensive success. That is, they are very reluctant to mark opposing players while on defense.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why this is. Coaches are reluctant to put their players in harm's way. While I may subscribe to the thought process that I would rather all my players die than lose the game, I understand not all coaches will be willing to throw away their players’ lives so cavalierly. And there is definite value in protecting one’s players, both from a one game perspective, and from the meta perspective. It’s easier to score in half 2, after all, if you aren’t down to 7 players.

But a bigger part of the reason why coaches don’t aggressively mark I think comes down to learning the game. Blood bowl is complicated. Very complicated. When I think about the number of rules I have to explain to someone just to get them started in their first exhibition game, I realize it's a miracle anyone plays this game at all. So, after we get the basic rules down to a new player, we tend to teach them some axioms to go by. Do moves that don’t require dice first, prioritize making 2 dice blocks, set up proper cages and such. But one of these new player “rules” is to not give the opponent free hits.

And there’s good reason for this! In general, the more blocks you throw, the more casualties you will generate, and so the converse is true as well; the more blocks you give up, the more casualties, on average, you will take. And so, we don’t want to tell new coaches to just base players, get blocked to oblivion and quit as their teams die.

But there’s a level beyond this basic understanding of the game. Not all blocks are created equal, and sometimes it is worth risking your players to put pressure on the ball. Marking your opponent’s players where they are going to have to throw less good blocks means that both your players are less likely to get removed (or if they are, the opponent was more likely to have to have committed more resources to do so), and openings for yourself are more likely to occur. Moreover, the opponent is less likely to be able to move forward with their drive.

Take the standard double column defense that I see coaches use all the time. This defense puts zero pressure on the ball, but relatively maximum protection on the players. It's no Dakka, but you’re generally just getting hit once a turn. Your players are safe, and the opponent can only reliably move forward 1 or 2 squares a turn. So what’s the problem? Well exactly that, your opponent can move forward 1 or 2 squares a turn. A half is 8 turns long, and a half of a pitch is only 13 squares. If for 7 turns a team is moving forward 2 squares a turn, well by the end of the half they are already at the doorstep of the endzone! Even a dwarf team can manage to move forward like that. And not just that, with multiple rerolls now, any AG3+ team can score half the time once they are close to the endzone through a double column if they are judicious with saving their rerolls.

But think instead if you are marking opposing players strategically and aggressively as they move forward. Now, to protect the ball the offense is going to have to do one of two things. They could stand there, move players to set up 2 dice blocks and hit your guys down. But if they do that, how are they gaining ground to move forward? At the start of a defensive drive where each team has 11 players, the defense effectively has more players than the offense. On defense you have 11 guys you can pressure the ball with, the offense only has 10 guys to protect it with. If they are moving guys around to block off your markers, it is now much tougher for them to actually gain ground and score by the end of the half. And now when it gets to the later turns of the half, you can even switch back to a more conservative defense now that they are so much farther from the endzone than they would have been had you been doing it that way the whole time.

The other option is to take some riskier moves to move forward. They could try some dodges, or hit some 1 die blocks to have more action efficiency while they move. But this is exactly what you want as a defense. Every dodge is a chance they fail, every 1 die is a chance they knock themselves over. Every fail they reroll is another reroll you’ve bled from them. Even elves fail their dodges 1 out of 6 times. Make them roll more bad dice and the failures will come. And once the fail comes, you can aggressively go after the ball. Remember, on offense they have to succeed every time, you only have to succeed once.

But all of this is hard to do, and takes a lot of experience. Knowing where and how to mark opposing players to make their options bad is hard, and varies greatly from team to team. It depends a lot on survivability of your players, relative strength values and game states. It's easy to mess up in an aggressive defensive style, and it's not always right to use one.

In a lot of ways, blood bowl is a game about constantly unlearning what you have learned. As you progress you will learn rules that you mustn’t break until you know when it is right to do so. And it never stops. Even the best coaches, or rather especially the best coaches, are always learning and adapting. Not that I am one of the best coaches, but I myself am realizing how I need to actually learn how to use big guys properly. For most of my time playing, I’ve just avoided them because I hate unreliability in my players. But that just means I’ve been potentially robbing myself of a powerful tool for the teams that can use them properly.

Monday Night Blood Bowl: Green Dukes Vs. Puerkos


Watch video (If Coself sounds a bit British or Australian at times, it’s because he’s an elf, and not because I can’t do impressions to save my life.)

DSPN Presents ... Monday Night Blood Bowl!

Transcript

This is Howood Coself. Welcome to Monday Night Blood Bowl. Tonight, the Duqueswood University Green Dukes fight for the wood against the Puerkos of the Instituto Politecnico Nacional.

The Green Dukes have gotten off to a 1 and 1 start, led by senior peace dancer Deathwynter Whitebranch, who despite a devastating shoulder injury last season has put this team on his back. But tonight we’ll be keeping an eye on a mysterious new edition to the team.

Freshman walk-on peace dancer Rainbow Unicorn-Love has been turning heads across campus as strongly as a wood spite turning a thorn toward a goblin’s hind quarters just before he sits on a tree stump.



Unicorn-Love stunned all of the Duqueswood when she visited campus last year, and while touring the Mirlin Spinleaf Memorial Elfletic Center became the first elf to successfully leap over the legendary wrench.



Convinced that if you can leap a wrench, you can leap anything, former Green Dukes Coach Gerric Smithson, desperately tried to recruit the colorful she-elf. However, Unicorn-Love had already committed to a gap year, during which she studied abroad in the Lustrian forests outside of the legendary lizard man kingdom of Mary’s Land. She also turned the disgraced former head coach down, vowing that she would never participate in a sport as violent as blood bowl.

Did something change during her time in Lustria? Was it Coach Pondripple’s conversion of the team’s wardancers to peace dancers that changed her mind. No one knows for sure, and no one knows why she appears to be wearing a kroxigor tooth around her neck. But either way, Unicorn-Love has joined the squad, and everyone is eager to see how her athletic skills blend with her commitment to peace, love and … unicorns on the pitch.

And here we go. The Green Dukes kick high and deep to the Puerkos. And it looks like we’re in for a treat here today, as the Puerkos have bought the services of legendary star ram rider Rumbelow Sheepskin.




Look at the little fellow there, waving to the crowd. It will be interesting to see how the Green Dukes love of woodland creatures impacts their blocking efforts against Sheepskin’s steed, the legendary Longshanks.

Ooh! And there we have our first elf removed from the pitch, as junior Ives the Crazy delivers a leaping head butt directly to the sternum of sophomore thrower Gilwin Windhand, who looks like he’ll be needing a hand—and a hand full of smelling salts—on the sidelines.

Here comes a key moment for the Pueroks, as junior runner Abtrabacus the Old goes for the pick-up—and yes, he’s done what may be the most difficult thing for him on this drive. He’s picked up the ball.

Now the Puerkos have left some space between their lines here, and let’s see … Yes, it looks like the Green Dukes are trying to split the dwarves here.

The Puerkos test one side here, but the Dukes hold, and look at treeman Mirlin Weatherborn tie up three Puerkos near midfield. Look at them under that tree, like teddybears having a picnic, only the only thing on the menu is tree bark and pain.



OK, now the Puerkos are testing the other side here, but the elves are just too quick for them.


They’ve got the little fellas going east and west here rather than north and south, and the Puerkos are going to have to get more aggressive here or the clock will surely run out on them. And, oh no, Weatherborn has taken root. This could be just the chance the dwarves needed.

Yes, look at that, junior troll slayer Alek Fierce stomps on Whitebranch’s foot, get’s the peacedancer to bend over, and ooh, he delivers a knuckleduster uppercut right to the jaw, and good night sweet peace dancer.

Now it looks like the Puerkos are going all in here, pushing forward along the sideline. Dangerous territory if the Green Dukes are willing to … Yes, it looks like sophomore line-elf Flyp Redleaf is going for the crowd surf, and holy moly with a flying knee to the chin he sends Abtrabacus into the front row, where some dwarf fans gently catch him, but it looks like the ball bounced into the Green Duke student section, and look at that throw in! This could give Duqueswood a chance to steal a touchdown here.

Junior catcher Zindari Dawnwind definitely has the speed to get there if she can get away. And yes, she makes the dodge. Dawnwind gets loose like a little fairy flitting from the stem of a dandelion.

But look at that, Sheepskin says giddy-up, and Longshanks is right on the ball. This will make the scoop and score tough for Dawnwind, unless she gets a block. Oh my, this is drama of the highest order as the only Green Duke in range here is Rainbow-Love. A lover of all of nature’s creatures, will she even want to try to make the block and there she goes and … down goes Sheepskin! Down goes Sheepskin! Down goes Sheepskin!

And just like that Dawnwind prances in for the touchdown to put the Green Dukes up 1-0 just as the half-time whistle blows.



OK, as the teams head to the locker rooms for half time, let’s check in with our sideline reporter OJ Nymph-son, who …



Oh dear it looks like OJ has left the stadium, leaving behind only his gloves. No, no, those can’t be his gloves they look too small too fit. But yes, I’m getting confirmation that Nymph-son has left the stadium riding upon the back of a white bronco. Well, I’m not sure what’s going on there, but let’s just hope everything is all right.

And now, now back to the action.

Duqueswood is solidly coachman’s seat, up 1-0 and receiving the second half kick. Let’s see how they choose to attack. Interesting choice not to Dakka here, maybe they’re going for the quick score to put it away. And oh my, look at that! A devastating spinning elbow strike from Redleaf knocks another Puerko out of the game.

I have to say, this looks like the Green Dukes’ game right now. I have not seen a group of wood elves so in control of a competition since the Great Keebler bake-off of 2459.

But wait, I’m not sure what Coach Pondripple is doing here. Only one elf in scoring distance, and standout junior thrower Phaedry Featherwind is still hanging back. This might be a bit too conservative—even for a coach who’s made his team’s motto “Safety first.”

It looks like Rainbow-Love is preparing for a dodge here to give the Green Dukes another scoring threat, and she … oh no! Apparently that old adage isn’t true. If you can leap a wrench, you cannot indeed leap anything.

And here come the dwarves. Those diminutive, pugilistic Puerkos have trundled their way into some excellent positioning, and Duqueswood into quite a pickle here. Yes, there it is. Freshman blocker Titus Sifoideico takes down Featherwind with a brutal shoulder to the solar plexus, and the ball is out.

The Green Dukes advantage has evaporated as quickly as dew on the meadow on a summer morn.

But oh my, Abtrabacus can’t pick up the ball. It must be the stubby little fingers. However, if that ball were a pint of beer, I don’t think he’d have so much trouble.

With only five elves on the pitch here, the Dukes are still in trouble. But, there’s a nice chainblock to give Featherwind a chance, and yes she’s got the ball, but there’s not much she can do with it, and she’s down again, and this time, she is out as well.

There he goes. They must have told him the ball’s filled with some Bugman’s Best, because this time he had no trouble scooping it up. Not much the Green Dukes can do here, but maybe a desperation blitz. And … what a play by Windhand, And Gildar Weedborn catches the ball in a crowd.

But what will he do here? The dwarves have him surrounded. Good gracious! What a dodge. He’s breaking away down the field. But what’s this? Coach Pondripple is shouting at him to throw the ball away. A brilliant plan. Just a few more yards down the field and the ball will be too far away for the Puerkos to have enough time to score.



But … what’s he doing. Weedborn isn’t making the throw. What’s wrong with the kid? Oh no. It looks like he’s got the yips. Not since the days of Mackweed Sassafrass have a seen a case of the yips this bad.

And now, here come the Puerkos. And ooh, after taking that fist to the jaw, Weedborn is wishing he’d let go of that ball. But still, these little fellas have a long way to go. Do they have enough time for their stubby little legs to take them all the way to paydirt. Let’s see …

They’ve got the ball. And there’s the hand off.

Iker "Tatoos" Bernal has a chance here. There’s no way the Dukes can catch him. But can he eke out that extra yard to score before the final whistle. Yes! He’s done it. Bernal has done it!



But what’s this? Coach Pondripple appears to be celebrating as well. Not sure why, given that he turned a win into a tie, but … Ah, that’s right. Another game with no dead elves, that’s three in a row now, a record for the program.