Hi! Coach MadTias here with the latest FUMBBL major tournament statistics. Since the last issue of the GLN, three majors have been played:

• Coach Dolls’ Pro Elves Pro Popes are the Black Cup 2011 champions.
• Coach Malmir’s Chaos Dwarves Colourful Characters are the Lustrian Challenge 2011 champions.
• Coach RandomOracle’s Chaos Chuck Versus Blood Bowl are the FUMBBL Cup 2011 champions.

Congratulations Dolls, Malmir and RandomOracle!

Things to note here are that Dolls won the first ever majors trophy for Pro Elves, while Malmir won his second major, having previously won this paper’s own Grotty Little Tournament. Coach PeteW retains the lead in the championship race at five finals and three wins.

Coaches top-8 23 different coaches appeared in the top-8 of these majors, coach Malmir being the only one to appear more than once. Malmir’s sixth top-8 appearance brought him equal with coaches PeteW and BooAhl at the top of the all-time race. Just below the top, coach JockMcRowdy made his fifth appearance and coaches Dhaktokh and neophyte made their fourth.

Coach Dhaktokh has earned a special mention here, as he is the first coach to make four top-8 appearances with the same team: the legendary Crossdressers.

Races top-8 13 different races appeared in the top-8 of these majors:

• Four each of Chaos Dwarf and Dark Elf
• Two each of Chaos, Dwarf, High Elf, Orc and Wood Elf
• One each of Amazon, Pro Elf, Human, Nurgle, Chaos Pact and Underworld

Chaos Dwarves are the flavour of the moment with their four appearances. The only common top-8 race missing from these majors is Skaven. Orcs retain their all-time lead at 8 wins, 15 finals and 60 top-8 appearances.

Coach Nestoroide claimed the first ever top-8 appearance for Underworld with Pink troll goes to ranked and coach lepazuri brought Chaos Pact both their first top-8 and first final with Niños de Tzeentch.

As usual, all the statistics are available in the first post of the forum thread. Not to mention being presented below! -Ed.

Brrrains!

They told me to put that in. Well, I say 'they', but I mean 'he'. Who? Well...
How about I introduce myself first, eh, and then start with the story from the beginning? An awful lot has happened here at the GLN, and you, as our loyal reader, deserve to know nothing less than our warped version of the truth!

First things first. Our last Editor in Chief, the illustrious and somewhat insane G. G. Gobberson has finally lost it. His sanity was always wavering at the edge, and I believe someone pushed him over that edge...

*cackles insanely*

I am sure he will recover, eventually. There is a message from the Insane Asylum where he is currently residing inside this issue. But before I get to all the content of today, there is more important news to tell you. Two things actually.

One, which is by far the most important.

I am the new Editor in Chief of the GLN. I control this place – and I will run it more smoothly and with more control than Mr. Gobberson ever did!
That is, if it weren't for News Item nr. 2.

GLN Headquarters has been overrun by Zombies!
Now, while bad, it is not as bad as you might think. See, there's simply been an evil Necromancer here for a while now, who brought a host of Zombies (Goblins as well as normal Zombies) along with him. He claims that 'ever since CRP came along and The Count raised his bills, the Undead aren't getting the attention they deserve', and he 'is here to see that changed'.

He forced us to work hard. Forced us to get this issue done at precisely the right time. A release on a day that was foretold one year ago. A release on the magical FUMBBL birthday!
Because apparantly, it is not just the GLN that will be overrun by Zombies. On the day that most of you will read this, Zombies are running rampant everywhere!

So, yeah, it has not been nice working here. Not as if it is ever nice to work here as an employee, but I was supposed to be a boss now!
So, what can you expect from this issue, with a Necromancer looming over our shoulders and a new Editor in Chief?

Naturally, we have had no choice but to ... pay special attention to the Undead in our issue. You will find an article of how to create Zombie pixel art, and what beauties they are! There are rememberings of a Zombie, Zombie jokes and our Angry Man has some words to speak about Zombies as well. All in all, we hope we have satisfied our Necromancer's need for Zombies... Yet there are also some of our more regular items, such as an interview and we are also promoting Leagues again, and coach Hitonagashi tells us about using inducements in Majors.

All in all, despite our current predicament, I am proud to present to you, GLN Issue #14.

Enjoy!

Greetings, children. Come suckle at my anger teats for another round of unhinged ranting, enjoy my milky goodness. Or something.

When I heard about the theme of this issue of the GLN, I wasn’t immediately angry. I found this feeling of calm serenity very odd. It’s unlike me not to be angry about anything in life. I find sunshine irksome. I’m not entirely sure who the cocky beggar thinks he is, all bright and hot. In the age of electricity, I can look after myself, thanks all the same. What am I, a caveman? Birdsong is annoying. I’d rather be subjected to a car alarm first thing in the morning, at least it would wake me up. I growled yesterday when I saw a baby lamb skipping through a pleasantly fenced field. Lucky so and so, get a job, then we’ll see how much time you have to look all cute and fluffy. However, the thing is, it’s nigh on impossible not to love a Zombie.

Pop culture has always smiled on our shambling, undead buddies. Talk someone’s ears off about some book you’re reading where an Orc army is storming some city or other, and it’s likely their eyes will glaze over whilst they don’t listen to you. They’re secretly gasping for something to explode and get them out of the conversation any which way is possible- death is preferable to your nerdom. However, even the jockiest jock is fine with the latest ‘Escape flesh eating Zombies by beating them about the head with a cricket bat’ movie / video game – it’s just cool, and perhaps always will be, even if the genre never really moves on. ‘Man falls over / is hit in groin’ is always going to be funny; perhaps endless remakes of Dawn of the Dead will always make money. Zombies, then, are an acceptable face of nerdom. A constant like death, taxes and Tom Cruise remaining in the closet.

They also represent excellent things in Blood Bowl. They represent the harm ‘balance’ mongers can do when people listen to them. As some sort of cure all, whacking 10k on a Zombie, messing about with Mummies and killing the power of fouling (some of which was to help fight against the ‘too good’ power of Undead – I know, hilarious) has unleashed varying degrees of bile from all corners of the internet, but it is just one example of where anger in reaction to LRB6 has been forged, at least in part, from the wreckage of ‘balance’ being applied. The Raise The Dead noise in the client and rule is super. Zombies represent good things like positioning slow players well, like the weak link on a team being important, like Regen!

So, in short, I was struggling to be angry this issue. It was going to be a short column and not the usual wall of text (TM) that none of you really read, you Generation Y short attention spanned fools. That was until I remembered my favourite ever player. A Zombie, Cacodemon.

Cacodemon began life simply enough, a 30k meatshield on a [L]eague Necro team. I was a n00b, more irked than angry in my younger days, and Doomed From the Start began life in Season One of the (then) fledgling White Isle League. I had no idea how much I‘d learn to love the division, the league and the player. Cacodemon went on to represent DFTS 135 times over 4 years. He was the constant face of a team that had more ups and downs than Paris Hilton when a night vision camera is in the building. When the team was a banged up 10 Zombies and a Wight, a Guard MB meatshield did a superb job as a cornerstone of a side grinding out vital draws against vastly superior opposition. He was one of those pixels who just always seemed to weigh in with a vital KO, always did a job, always had Nuffle’s coincidental love. And then, it ended.

In turn 16 of a dead rubber of a game, after 135 games of glorious service to the cause; a Pro Elf rookie Lineman took a –2D shot at him. A pointless manouvre in a game long since decided. Double POW, no Regen, dead as a doornail.

So I come to the subject of my anger (about seven thousand words in); casualties. Now, hold on, relax, before you can write ‘It’s BLOOD Bowl’, salivate over a good CAS like an averagely sized American wonders if a baby really does taste like chicken or label me some sort of girly girl; I like casualties and I recognise that in Blood Bowl, they are an important (nay vital) mechanic. CAS = good. Way we see CAS applied all too often? Bad.

Casualties, you see, I believe should be earned, not just awarded. Any two CAS aren’t alike. On the one hand, we have the CAS that come through coaching. Moving an opponent into a surfable area, should be auto CAS. Opponent leaving his guy on the sideline, ditto. Playing bash Vs. agile with a well built team, the occurrence of snap should be more frequent, if the game has it’s yin and yang in the right area, which it does, if you build a team properly. There are less obvious deserved CAS too – when you see a well coached, Guard heavy bash team defeat a not so well coached bash team, it’s likely what has happened is the good coach has controlled the position and the contact well enough to significantly out block his opponent, and this control deserves to yield tangible rewards. All of these circumstances speak of the well coached game gaining deserved CAS that you can point to and say ‘deserved’.

Un-deserved CAS lead to undeserved TDs which lead to undeserved losses. They are often the slippery slope from which the loss comes, be it today, be it tomorrow. When Pro Elves block a High Elf LOS for a KO and two CAS (three of the twelve blocks they’ll get in a half with no MB, no nothing), that half is all but over. When the Claw / MB / PO killer hunts out and dispatches a player a turn, it’s far from enjoyable, and whilst that mechanic might not win the game on the spot, it might lose the receiver the next three or four. I wonder how many games you’ve played recently that you’ve felt have been vastly undeserved losses have at least had a foundation stone in undeserved CAS. Has he out positioned and out blocked you? Or has he just pressed the jam button? When the winner of the X-Factor picks up their million pound record deal for essentially being a pretty face and being spoon fed fame, that kills one deal for the talented but underground band that may one day produce a latter day Sgt. Pepper. That drip feed of undeserved dross kills our society one stupid reality show at a time. I’m a big fan of deserving things, when people finally work out Apple’s horrendous gameplan of painting substandard kit white, marketing it well and upping the price by 150%, I will buy each of the angry mob that smashes their HQ to smithereens with i-products a bottle of bubbly and a Christmas hamper. Comeuppance like that is deserving of good deeds in return.

There’s another integral point about BB I hate, as it goes actually, just to prove I’m not just more questionable than a male cheerleader. And that’s touchdowns.

One day, I’d like to travel to America, for two reasons really. First, I’d like to beat into as many of them as possible that the word ‘Herbal’ has an aitch at the beginning of it (with the same bile I’d like to assault those this side of the pond that pronounce the letter ‘h-aitch’), and secondly, I’d like to visit Matt Groening. When I knock upon Matt’s door and he answers, I shall pick him up by the lapels, begin to shake him, and shout “DAMN YOU, YOU MONEY GRABBING FOX PUPPET! HOW COULD YOU TAKE SOMETHING SO PERFECT AND REDUCE IT TO THE UTTER POINTLESS SHAMBLES IT IS NOW? YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.”, stamp on a Bart Simpson toy, and go home. For this service to humanity, I’d require no trophy, no awards ceremony, no Miss World contestant as payment (although, I’d certainly deserve all of those things, someone had to say it); the mere rousing round of applause Mrs. Groening is sure to give would be enough. That, and the knowledge that later that evening, Groening will be crying into his $10,000 hankerchief, knowing that I was right – and that knowledge between two men is all that I require to validate a good deed.

And so it is with touchdowns. After I have conducted the perfect eight turn stall, the very fact that I have to fall over the white line irks me. Why do I need this flashy morsel to signify victory? Blood Bowl should be like boxing, the ref should step in and award me a points victory for my 16 turns of luscious ball control. My opponent and I know me to be the better man, and that’s all that should count. Quite apart from that; the significant anger when my turn eight perfectoscore leads to a TTM, a OTS or a Riot runs so white hot I’m surprised I don’t initiate nuclear fusion. Touchdowns are often there to signify poor coaching, not good. How many 2 turn TDs are actually the right move? Almost never is good coaching required to score; more often than not, scoring is simply the afterthought to a well played drive.

And so, perhaps, being angry at touchdowns and casualties, the very fabric of our beautiful game; you may think I’m in the wrong place. You may think that being angry with cornerstones of the experience may make me more cut out with Go, or with Chess, or with something fair, And you’d be wrong (naturally). This seething anger at the mere randomness of chance armour breaks, this annoyance at the insistence that score is needed where a man to man nod of acceptance is sufficient is strong, but anger is often a good thing. Anger comes from loving something enough to be emotionally engaged. It comes from how good the experience is most days.

Love and hate in equal measure is why we play the game. Well, that and trying to get a new Zombie.

Like everyone else on the planet I read Purplegoo's article on balance but maybe unlike most people I hated every lousy, stinking word of it. I'll get straight down to it and say that a game without balance is not a game at all.

Somewhere in the depths of Hell itself there is a cupboard. It's a black cupboard carved from a single gigantic lump of darkest Onyx. There is a stunning mural painted on the side of the cupboard in a combination of human bodily fluids. A series of vignettes depicting people playing boardgames and losing horribly. There are people crying and playing Monopoly with relatives at Christmas. There are people weeping and cutting their own eyes out with pen-knives and playing Axis and Allies. And then, in an image depicting the very centre of Hell itself, there are people playing Blood Bowl and having their souls torn out by smiling demons.

The people in the mural look much happier to be having their souls torn out than they do to be playing Blood Bowl.

The cupboard itself houses all the games that deserve to played only by the damned. The Game of Life is there. Sorry is there. And yes, the entire catalogue of Games Workshop games is there with Blood Bowl front and centre.

You see, what we have here is actually something from Satan's own board-game collection. The fact that Purplegoo - clearly an agent of the Devil Himself - has decided to defend the terrible imbalance inherent in this damned game is proof positive that Satan is alive and well and working hard on the internet, as if that's at all surprising to anyone who has ever browsed 4chan.

The fact is, every game that's stood the test of time is designed, honed and indeed entirely based around the concept of balance. In all cases, the ONE final deciding factor in a good game is player skill. There can be random chance to liven things up but random chance certainly should not be the deciding factor that often. It's there to make things interesting, to give the lesser player a shot if he can raise his game. Random chance can, in many ways, balance a game.

And then there's Blood Bowl. This is a game where throwing back-to-back skulls happens with alarming regularity, let alone back to back DOUBLE skulls which should basically be impossible and never happen ever, ever, ever.

I am not exaggerating when I say that when I see the random event involving a rock being thrown from the crowd, I know for a FACT that it will be one of my players before the dice is rolled. I wish I had kept a spreadsheet or something because I would estimate my rate of being hit by a rock at around 99% but I would like the proof to back that up. I know that the targeted player will not only be hit, but will be killed. And that player will no doubt be my key Black Orc Blocker who has Guard and Mighty Blow and +1 Strength.

Can you imagine this happening in Chess? Or Poker? Or Backgammon? Or Scrabble? Or even blasted Monopoly? The game begins, and before ANYONE has done ANYTHING, a player is killed. If it was Scrabble you would be presented with all vowels and told you could only draw new letters when you had used all your existing ones. In Monopoly it would be like someone taking the little dog out and shooting it and then sticking it in prison. In Poker you would be told that all the Aces and Kings in the deck were now in your opponent's possession, and only available to him.

But according to Herr Purplegoo of the Third Reich of Bloodbowl, this is somehow a charming facet of the game! Laugh as players you have spent hours honing are torn apart by random chance! Behold! a player with the skill of a fried egg will dominate your team as you lose three players in the first round of blocks! Cackle with manic glee as your team is likely to lose just by dint of their RACE.

Is Blood Bowl balanced? Absolutely not. Should it be? If it's ever to be anything more than a tool of self-flagellation, then yes. Will it be? Absolutely not.

And why? Because this is a niche game. Most people have no idea what Blood Bowl is, and that's probably a good thing. If the world knew about the injustices suffered by my Orcs at the hands of some unpleasant Lizards (8 players out, yes 8, and 3 of them RIP) they would wail and gnash their teeth and cry to the European Court of Human Rights.

The fact is, Blood Bowl obviously appeals to us or we wouldn't play it. It even appeals to me, and yet I am one of those people for whom bad luck, and Blood Bowl has it in spades, hurts the most. I hate it when my brilliant move is undone by the most unlikely of events. And when my opponent's moronic move (Troll passes 'Very Stupid' roll without teammates' help, Troll dodges a tackle, Troll rolls a pow on my blodging Blitzer, AND then GFIs and picks up the ball....it happened, trust me) is transformed into a game-winning one I simply find myself on hands and knees weeping and screaming for justice. But there will be none. And why do I come back? I ask myself this every time I fire up the client.

So, game balance. Is it just something we invoke as, in the words of Purplegoo, "a throw away cure all I-can’t-think-of-a-decent-point-so-here-is-a-word-that-should-fit argument fixer"? Or is it in fact the desperate plea of people who have actually played balanced games and realised - THIS IS THE BETTER WAY. I guess it's up to us all to decide if balance is important. Blood Bowl is certainly playable even when it's horribly, inconceivably and probably demonically unbalanced but wouldn't it be so much better if you didn't look with dread at the race of your opponent in the 'Box? Your opponent's name should strike fear, not the fact he's playing a 2000tv Chaos team and you're about to lose your 1980tv Human team.

So please, for the sake of the poor eternally damned souls forced to play Blood Bowl forever in Hell think about what I've said. Think about it, and then no doubt you'll dismiss it as whining. But then one day, you'll watch people playing a game like Othello or Go and realise "wait a minute...the players appear to be starting from identical positions. There is in-depth strategy here that can only be countered through intelligence and brilliant play, not a simple dice-roll. And look...they're smiling. They appear to be...ENJOYING the game. And when they lose, it looks like they have lost because of their opponent's brilliance. They have nobody to blame but themselves."

And then you'll realise that you cannot foul and kill your opponent's star player on Turn 16 when playing Scrabble, and you'll do what we all do. Come back to Blood Bowl, crying, and praying to God Almighty that you don't get sent to the Hot Place.

In one corner of the office, a goblin hid under the desk. Foul wrecking stinking Zombies were everywhere. Most likely it was only a matter of time before he was also found like the rest of the GLN. But for the time being, he had time to read some of the mail that was sent to the GLN. Some fan letters, a postcard, lots of bills and a letter. The letter had no sender on it, so who was it from? The little goblin opened the letter. It was hard to read due to the person seemeing to have been in a hurry to write it, but here goes:

I am Zhorn Famezeeker, the worlds' famous bla bla bla bla bla. [Why he always think so highly of himself the goblin thought and skipped the first paragraph of the letter. Down where it was hard to read]. Zombies ... ... They are ... ... ... ... ... ... They will ... ... ... Going ... ... ... ... ... world. Chri... is going to ... ... ... ... ... ... ... No team ... ... ... Protect ... ... ... ... GLN ... ... ... ... ... Zhorn Famezeeker ... ... ... ...

That did not make sense. Oh well, Zombies overrunning the GLN does not make sense either.

There was a young Zombie called Stu,
At Blood Bowl he knew what to do.
He caught the ball fine,
headed straight for the line,
but his foot came off in his shoe.

***

What did the Zombie's buddy say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Where the hell did you dig her up from?

The coach's team talk hadn’t done much to settle his nerves. “I’ve been watching some replays of our opponents matches on Cabalvision and these are a mean bunch. They come from a league of hardcore teams that really put the blood in Blood Bowl. Their win record isn’t great so I am confident we can win this but for Nuffle's sake don’t get yourselves killed, there's no point in us progressing if we have no team left! This is our first Major lads and it's as big as they come so don’t disappoint me. Now hustle!”

Oly was proud to be captaining Grimsby Town Blood Bowl Team in their first Major, proud to be one of the few players that have been in the team since it's founding. His body ached from the injuries he had sustained in previous games but he knew they were all necessary. All those games had led up to this, a chance to walk away as FUMBBL Cup champions. The road had been long and hard and he’d lost a lot of friends along the way but their memories wouldn’t be in vain. Checking his gear for a final time he slipped on his helmet and stood at the front of the line of players waiting to exit the locker room.

The Stadium was packed with both GTBBT and Fouler fans screaming their lungs out for their respective teams. Some fights had broken out between opposing fans who were sat too close to each other and couldn’t wait for the action to start. Wandering up and down the aisles were ‘Rat on a Stick’ vendors and babes with steins of Bloodweiser, which were being quickly sunk and then hurled. Over the PA system you could hear the commentator Don Motson, who was wearing his traditional sheepskin coat announcing that the Fleshpile Foulers were taking to the field. He tried to talk about some of the players but he was drowned out by the noise of the crowd both cheering and booing in unison. The noise was at a near unbearable level as the throats of thousands of people (Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Orcs, squeeking Goblins and many others) were being made hoarse from constant shouting.

Back in the locker room Oly tried to block out the noises around him and concentrate on the game. This was it, the chance of a lifetime for the team to make a name for themselves. He turned around to check everyone was behind him, took a deep breath and made his way up the stairs to the dugout. The light at the end of the tunnel almost blinded him and the noise nearly made his eardums burst. Exiting the dugout and taking to the field he was suddenly filled with adrenaline. Every sense in his body was tingling and he was ready.

“This is it.” He thought.

“This is Blood Bowl!”

What do you call a Zombie with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

***

What bone will a Zombie never eat?
A Trombone

It's Saturday afternoon at the time of writing, my wife is gone for the weekend, and my mind can't let go of the idea of Snotling wizards – and it's all your fault, forcing me to write about Snotlings, Wizards, and Leagues.

Let's just pause a moment at the idea. The Ogre team consists of Snotlings and Ogres, which makes a wizard supporting the team either:

1. strapped for cash, desperate, and at least slightly mentally disturbed
2. a Snotling (Ogres are not reliable wizards, due to their Bone-headedness)
3. both

Obviously, I think option c is the most likely, or at least the most fun. And that is what Blood Bowl is all about. We play this game to enjoy ourselves, and we enjoy the madness of Blood Bowl. We do differ in what specific pleasures we like to taste. Some of us enjoy the blood that clawpomp brings, while others stick to all-Zombie teams or no-block leagues.

Yet that is our perspective. We are the coaches and the spectators in the luxury skybox. We are the safe observers. We instruct the trainers and the players, yet we are safe and distant from the actual action.
Imagine the Snotling wizard. Snotlings, as a rule, don't grow very old, so he's a mere youngster, and hardly capable of understanding and controlling his potential as a mage. Yet the only way to survive in his harsh world, is to be of use, so the little wizard has been renting himself as a Blood Bowl wizard, mostly for Ogre teams, and occasionally for a Goblin or Orc team. The money allows him to pay for bodyguards, magic components, and enough is left over for him to live decently. Yet despite the wages he makes, and the bodyguards he has, a Blood Bowl wizard still has to cast his spell from the midst of the crowd. Imagine. His bodyguards, while burly and capable, have to keep a creature safe that is no taller than their knee, from a mass of mad Blood Bowl fans! It is not uncommon for a small (or large) riot to break out. In fact, it is rather rare if it doesn't happen. The bodyguards have to maintain position within such chaos, which is a feat on its own, and also refrain from stepping on their boss. Then finally, when the moment comes that the spell has to be cast, one of the bodyguards has to lift up the Snotling, but still allow him enough movement to properly cast his spell. When this happens during a rough riot, or during a game in which fans from both sides actively despise one another, it is a wonder the spell is even cast at all...

And then, when the Fireball misses all targets, the poor Snotling wizard has to get out alive, when all of the fans are disappointed with the results...
This same little Snotling might have a contract for a whole season (assuming we are dealing with a League, which is, after all, how Blood Bowl should be). Imagine that, having to survive such an ordeal week in, week out. No amount of gold is worth that, nor is there really enough glory in the job either.

The next time you play your game, remember the Snotling wizard. Remember the Halfling vendor selling McMurty's snacks, or the trainer telling the Minotaur to calm down. Think of who cleans up the body parts from the pitch. There is much that goes on to make your League work. There is a whole world of pixelated life out there, and you should take a moment to appreciate that.

For you never know if in the next life, you get reincarnated as a Snotling wizard, lost in the big city and strapped for cash (and unwilling to use his magic for less noble purposes)... You just never know...

It's easy for her, thought Yuff, so easy. Swanning around like she's the Queen of the Old World. He'd heard that she even had her own personal Apothecary, a luxury he had never known. He sighed and muttered “Braaaaaains” Words didn't come as easily as thoughts to Yuff, not since what his Coach called “regenesis”. He had his doubts about it all, small things mainly like the way his skin didn't quite fit his body. His bones sometimes showed, and his left foot spent as much time unattached as attached. But she knew nothing of this, and looked on his kind with disdain. Those stakes, they were the bane of Zuff's un-life, and it was just his luck that she seemed to turn out against him more often than not. One day Zuff had sworn to show Zara the Slayer what pain was like, the taste of real suffering.

She lined up further down field than usual today. The Dead Cousins hadn't expected to see her play for these Amazons, but there she was. Zuff could see her, licking her lips as she planned her attacks. Zuff wasn't scared of her or of another death. It was on the field that he felt the strongest memories of his previous lives. Sometimes the memories scared him, sometimes made him laugh. They always reminded him that un-life went on. His team was winning by one touchdown but Zara was rallying her team-mates.

Suddenly she was there in front of him. He shambled as fast as he could, tracking her down the side-line. He hoped his foot behaved. She had other battles to fight before him, he ached to foul her or push her into the blood-thirsty crowd. They cared not if they crushed a rookie or a star. “Braaaaaaains” he mumbled as he grew closer to her. He could see the stakes around her waist, one in her hand which she tried desperately to drive home into a Ghouls sweaty pallid face.

His eyes glazed more than usual. He saw her in his mind. Zara looked younger, and in his memory his skin fitted better. She was looking at him, but not with disdain or pity. She laughed and called him Gerrard. She was saying something, he couldn't remember it right, it hurt to think so hard. “Our parents” he heard, as he sensed movement. Focus returned, as she drove the stake right between his eyes, consigning him to yet another un-death.

Words didn't come easily to Zuff since what his coach called “regenesis” He had his doubts about it all, small things mainly like how his skin didn't quite fit his body. His bones sometimes showed, and his left foot spent as much time unattached as attached.... And always the faintest of memories of something before...

There once was a Zombie called Reg,
Who went off to live in a hedge.
He came to some harm,
lost an ear leg and arm
and smells awfully like rotting veg.

***

How many Zombies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they have to be quite small.

GLN: You want to talk about grudge? Well, here it is FUMBBL fans. Hellbound Charioteers VS Blood Sea Buccaneers. These two teams have locked horns on pitches all across the Old World. From the fronzen tundra of Norsca to the beaches of Lustria and everywere in between. They have played in front of packed stadiums in Altdorf. Back water pitches in the middle of nowere. Even a throw down at a crossroad inn in the middle of the Drakenwald. No matter what the venue the fans get their money's worth. This rivalry is all Blood and no Bowl. They just love to beat down on each other and lay the Dirty Player foul were it hurts most. These two teams have played 16 times now with the Hellbound leading the series 8-3-5 but for these two teams throw out the win/loss records, the animosity is at all time high. Milford had the pleasure of talking to two of the "greats" in this series. B "Clothes Line" James and DeMaio sat down with him and talked about this storied rivalry.

GLN: So, you two have battled each other numerous times on the pitch. What does this rivalry mean to you guys?

James: Oh I love to throw down with the Hellbound. It gets my "juices" flowing and I love to beat down some Charitoteers. I know the fans love it when we play each other and I know for a fact the Bucs love to play against them.

DeMaio: We just love the opportunity to follow the loud noise, crazy @$%^&% fans, and rip through whatever armor you're hiding behind, and show you what your trachea looks like.

GLN: Wow, seems to be a lot of love between you two.

James: Milford you dweeb. I was trying to be nice and all. Now I see how this is. Ok, I dont love the Hellbound. I hate them with all my heart and soul and want to kill every freaking one of them and then once I am done killing, kick their carcasses into a hell with a thousand suns.

DeMaio: And we love going to Hell, dragging the heads of Buccaneers with us the whole way. Been there, done it, and back again.

In fact, tonight I brought the head I collected off of a Human hiding in armor named Yo Ho Ho. Tell us Yo, who do you root for when the Chariots play the Bucs?

DeMaio moves the mouth and ventriloquists "oh....I cheer for the Hellbound Charioteers!"

GLN: Well your two teams have had some classic matches. Care to share a personal story about one of your clashes?

James: The coaches keep talking about getting Night Train Lane's head back and all. But for me I remember a match when Scumm-o just got under my skin. That guy laid a foul, a real nasty one on me and it just set me off. I chased him around the field all match long laying into him. But he would just not go down. We finally tackled him at the close of the match and sent in a 7 man DP pile up and sent him packing for the night with a broken nose, 2 teeth knocked out and missing one of his shoes. The look on his face was priceles, I will never forget that moment.

DeMaio: My favorite moment was when the Bucs brought a kitchen sink to the game and used it to foul our Minotaur...the ref threw him out. When coach Hicksey protested the call, the ref threw him out too. Then our DP, Nasty Neil, picked up the sink and fouled Fitzgerald straight into the boo boo box for a week. Ref throws out Neil. Coach Arktoris protests...and gets thrown out too. Clearly from that moment on it was a zoo stampede match. Just shear energy from 127,000 rabid fans.

GLN: Your teams have battled it out all over the Old World, what was your favorite match?

James: Although I was not a part of that specific match the fans of the Buccaneers always want to talk about the Rumble Down Lustrian match. They packed 110,000 fans on a beach to watch the two teams battle it out. Even though the Lustrian was going to kick off the next day. Both teams did not care if they destroyed each other before a Major, that fight had to happen. The fans think that is one of the classic matches. For me it was our last match-up, what the fans are now calling the Arch Blood Bowl Rivals match. It was a classic match for me and the squad. It really showed our heart and also our ability to inflict a lot of pain on the Hellbound.

DeMaio: I have two favourites, Milford. The first was when we crashed the H.A.S.T.E.; awards (Humans Are Superior To Elves) and completely made monkeys out of the Bucs. hehe, remember that one James? Oh nevermind, you were a kid back then.
My second favourite was when we sacked James here and niggled him straight into a wheelchair with a Juggernaut punch that could crush the balls of a stone giant. I don't have a link to that one yet...you see it's happening next game.

GLN: Well I appreciate your time with us. Any idea of the next match?

James: Well you read my mind Milford. Just sitting next to this guy has got my "juices" flowing. I think right after this interview we are going to have to lay down the smack right in the parking lot of the GLN. I cant stand these guys and just being around them almost sends me into a frenzy rage.

DeMaio: Sounds like I'm gonna have that second link for ya pretty soon Milford. James is about to have that Kmart helmet he's wearing fed to him, Hellbound style. ohhhhh noooo!

DeMaio slams James with a Santa Claus sack full of presents for the local boys orphan house. The presents go flying as the sack blows up in the face of James, he goes flying out of his chair and crashes into the wall. James fires back with a Mighty Blow to his nose and gets DeMaio in a half nelson. James stands firm as DeMaio is trying to get out of the hold and then James grabs him and pushes him out the window, the second story window. The glass shatters and James looks down into the parking lot. Stands in the window and leaps out, Aieeeeeee!!!!

Milford: Oh, it's on now.

Here is the history of the Blood Sea Buccaneers VS Hellbound Charioteers
First Contact
Battle for the head of Night Train Lane
Night Train part 2
Grudge
Behind the woodshed
Rasberry jam
No one gives me the rasberry jam!
Rumble down Lustrian
Grudge part 2
H.A.S.T.E.
Glory and Pain
Sucker punch
Brass Thumb Trophy of Suck
Wizard of Slaneesh lag storm
Turrrrtttlle
Arch Blood Bowl Rivals

Some interesting stats in this rivalry

16 games vs each other. 14 in lrb4, 2 in CRP.

Hellbound have scored 35 touchdowns and inflicted 56 casualities on Blood Sea
Blood Sea have scored 21 touchdowns and inflicted 46 casualities on Hellbound

However, Blood Sea Buccaneers have yet to lose a game vs the Hellbound since CRP began and have killed more Charioteers (3 bucs died vs 5 hellbound) to include a Minotaur. Buccaneers have yet to lose an Ogre to the Hellbound fury.

Deaths on Bucs:
Night Train Lane (the head that launched a thousand ships)
M "Mac Truck" Alstot
D "the Beast" Brooks

Deaths on Hellbound:
The Ax King
Harlen, Cip Avatar
Yeeaaaahhhhhggg!
Crystal, Dark Avenger Avatar (minotaur)
Heart Attack

Up until the ARCH RIVALS game (last one) both Hellbound and Buccaneers had done an equal number of permanent injuries. 6 vs 6

however, last game saw 4 more perms done to the Hellbound which are currently unanswered.

D "Night Train" Mcfadden (-ma)
R "Killer" Barber (-av)
"Prime time" (-av)
3 deaths

vs

Evil Bert (niggle)
5 deaths

+ last game of

Ro Warrior (niggle)
Candle Jack, DeMaio Avatar (-st)
Troll (-ma)
Fast Taker (-st)

Hellbound have shown they use their fists the most with 764 blocks over Bucs 611 (though stats are a bit skewed with Frenzy in LRB4)

While the Buccaneers prefer laying the boot more with 69 fouls to 65. Which comes to an average of 4+ fouls per game each.

Hellbound show dominance in the early LRB4 days both in CAS and TDs, but the Buccaneers have clearly evolved into a more fierce and competive team with time and rule changes. The rivalry began in May of 07, 4 1/2 years ago...what will the future hold?

If you were a fan of imaginative and innovative teams during the late naughties the chances are you were chanting ‘Zombie’ in a quasi Cranberries fashion.

As this issue of GLN is a Zombie special, this article takes a look back at 4 of the most interesting Zombie franchises to hit the green (soon to be red) fields of FUMBBL.

We start off with a wacky team theme veteran: KhorneliusPraxx and his Death Valley Daze team. Playing and winning their first game on the 4th of June 2008, this was to be the first of many for The Daze. They have currently played 715 games.

So what is the idea behind The Daze? ‘Death Valley Days was originally an old American Western TV show, so I originally named all the players after both fictional and historical figures from the Old West.’

The theme for The Daze is quite complex. All players are bought in bulk. The order starts with 2 Mummies, then 12 Zombies, 2 Wights, 4 Ghouls, and lastly 12 Skeletons. This means, the team has had many different builds. ‘Sometimes it takes a long time to get through all my Zombies and Skeletons...eagerly waiting for the day that I can buy new Mummies!’ Once the batch has been finished, it starts all over again with a new group. The Daze is currently on order number 8.

Once they come off the assembly line all players of the same type, are given the same skills. The first skill is rolled randomly, and after this Khornelius picks the most appropriate skills to go suit. However reanimated Zombies are treated differently. It seems they haven’t quite forgotten their old life and always try to get back the skills they used to have. When this is impossible they take DP (being a little bitter maybe).

Highlights of the team so far are winning 2 Smack titles, not easy with a themed team like this and producing some of the best Zombies of all time. WILLIAM H. BONNEY William is the all time number 1 Undead Top Passer and Highest Yardage Passer, more than any Wight or Ghoul. He is also the ALL-TIME top Zombie Rusher and Sundance who played 141 games making it to Legend status with 3 niggles, a –AG and –MA!

Happily, the future is quite bright for The Daze, the production line will keep rolling until they play their 1000th game, and XFLs after that. Be sure to catch them next time you see them in Ranked!

The second theme team on our list is Cribbleobblpie’s Bring Out Your Stars. They played their first game on the 15th of November 2007 and played a total of 211 games. The idea came as Cribble was a fan of and inspired by another entry on this list- the Schmerztal Darkbones, and their raising exploits.

Cribble wanted something slightly different for The Stars however. So with the catchphrase ‘Got too much cash and have no idea what to waste it on? Fancy giving an old Necromancer a bit of sport? Bought a star sneakily and now your opponent has dropped you in it by not playing? Well we want to play YOU, if your team has Star Players! The Stars set out with the ambition to raise the stars that can be hired.

However this was no easy task. ‘Quite a few coaches were willing to have a go, however I soon realised how hard it actually was to kill a star (They could get apo'ed in LRB4 too, remember?)’

The team had many highlights. They won four Smack titles all at different tourney weights and recruited 3 of the toughest stars Grashnak Blackhoof, Morg 'n' Thorg and Ripper. Morg would turn out to be The Stars 2nd most successful star lasting 45 games. This was only beaten by Zara who played 59 times as a Zombie.

Sadly, The Stars didn’t last long when ranked changed to CRP. ‘Do I regret benching them? Well in retrospect, yes. I enjoyed the history and the fluff, but I do think they were an LRB 4 team and had they continued they certainly would have been a different challenge!’

Maybe in the future we might see a hat tipped to The Stars, and a CRP star raising team.

Next on the list, is Habeli’s theme: Evolution. Although not solely about Undead or Necro teams, the theme suited and was best known for the living dead.

So how did the whole evolution thing begin? ‘I wanted to make a nice and challenging team with which I could play whoever whenever and not be afraid of the results. The idea/theme was that the players could reach higher stages by "evolving".’

The idea behind this was based on evolving life forms. Starting off as a basic Zombie or Skeleton, they could then evolve into another type of Zombie/Skeleton and eventually into Ghouls, Wights and Mummies.

There are 5 ways to evolve. Reaching a skill selection of 51 SPPs would allow a player to evolve, further skills would allow them to evolve further. Dying allowed for evolution. Also if a player evolves, he leaves an empty space, which will soon be filled. Raised life forms could start further along the evolution ladder depending on their SPPs, and if they were the same as a type on the evolution chain, they could jump straight to that form of evolved creature.

Quite complicated, but well worth it for those that took part. The evolution theme spawned many teams, a group, and also it’s own League! However it is probably most famous for Habeli’s own team Evolution of Undead Pixels.

Evo are still going strong and have played 233 games to date, the first of which was on the 4th of November 2006. Their 2 most famous Zombies are probably Flarric Zombosis who is one of 2 Larson Zombies on Evo and Ureus Zombosis who played an impressive 192 games, and an original team member.

So far they have won an Elite smack and also a GLT V qualifier! As for the theme, well there are still 1 or 2 around, but you never know with evolution- a new boom of evolving Zombies could happen any time soon!

The last team on this list is Burnalot’s Schmerztal Darkbones. Just the name is enough to send a chill down the spine of most veterans! The Darkbones are possibly the most evil team FUMBBL has ever seen, and one of the greatest too! They have played a total of 1064 games, the first of which was on the 20th of December 2005.

Starting out with just 1 Golem and 12 Zombies, after this the only players the Darkbones ever bought were Golems. Every other player for the team was raised from the dead. At first the goal was survival, however soon Burnalot and The Darkbones started looking at longer term goals.

One was to play over a 1000 games, which they achieved on the 9th of the 9th of the 9th (upside down 6s, I told you they were evil), the biggest goal however was to raise one of every position of every race that was possible in LRB 4. This proved quite a task, the last 4 a HE Blitzer, and Skaven, DE and WE Throwers proved very hard to track, play and kill. However finally the goal was achieved on the 10th of the 10th of the 10th.

Along the way, The Darkbones became the most successful killing machine FUMBBL had seen and also winning XFL I Necromantic. The Darkbones have also had 5 Legend Zombies; Scoring machine Cape Dog Hunting II and Trimmer who were both part of the XFL winning team, are probably the top dogs among this teams Legends.

With CRP, The Darkbones had new goals, and new positions and therefore new players to raise. Sadly, the new rules aren’t suiting The Darkbones style of play very well, and they are in temporary retirement. However, the gate to that dark road hasn’t been locked for the last time, so be sure to look after your DE Runners!

And so, what about the future? Who among you will forge a new path for inventive Zombie teams? Certainly freak_in_a_frock’s idea of borg style Zombies looks great for League but what about Ranked and Blackbox? The summer of 2009 seems such a long time ago, however fashion has a tendency to be recycled. Let’s hope in 2012 it’s hip to be rotten!

Welcome to Goblin Coach Camp you grotty halfwits!

Turns out that while they may not appreciate us on da pitch, the owners of the team loves them a good Goblin coach. We’s lives by our sneaky tactics...perfect for the low budget team owner, and which of those misers likes to spend money?

Youse is all here cos you want to learn to play like a Goblin. The first and most important lesson is that if you are trying, you are doin’ it wrong! Goblins do not like work! Goblins do not like effort! Goblins like to win using da underhand tactics.

Let pansy Elf teams spend weeks before a major tournament hunting soft teams in “arranged” friendlies for tons of gold. Let the big’n’scary Chaos take on all comers to kill the competition first. We’s is Goblins. Remember dat! 20 games to build a competitive team!

Pick your team

A little thought up front saves tons of agony down da line. As much as I love me a good Goblin lass, I wouldn’t be taking a squad of our boyz to a major. When I play, I play to win. Pick yourself a competitive team and a competitive race.

The important thing to note ‘ere is that one thing a Goblin is is SMART. We’se more sneaky than de Elves and better at strategy than de Orcs. Some of us like da carnage..but you can’t plan for carnage. The only way to be a successful bookie is to minimize da risk, and the same principles that give you a big wad o cash from the punters give you a successful team.

Pick your star

Now, you’ve got 20 games. That means one thing you can’t afford to do is waste your time “spreading” your skills. All these elfball manuals say that your team should be a balanced well rounded affair, with reserves and backups. Pah! Amateurs!

All you really need is one motivated dude. I don’t care ‘ow much you have to pay him relative to the rest of your squad, he’s worth it. Give him yer old ma’s special sauce, give him extra training sessions, tell him to score all the touchdowns he can...you want him to be awesome. It’s worth it to start skilling ‘em evenly, and when you get someone that starts to show signs of being exceptional, drop everyone else and build ‘em up!

Now, for tactics on da pitch...pretend dat star is you. You wouldn’t want to be tackled by that Black Orc right? Neither does he! The rest of your team is a shield for him. If he can’t carry your team singlehandedly, he ain’t good enough. He could be an Elven ball maniac, a sneaky Gutter Runner that can go anywhere, or even just a clawed killing machine. Your tactics need to revolve around him. Skills on other players are support for him.

Prepare your team

Now, these other coaches will be bringing well rounded teams, which means one thing. BLOAT! They will be paying the wages of all those substitutes, and the increased pay demands of all those linemen with the fringe skills. If it ain’t an essential skill, you shouldn’t have it. Cut your team down to just 11 men.

You’ll regret it if you come up against an equal quality opposition..but you shouldn’t ever meet one like that in a major! They’ll have bloated so they are over 2000k in wages, covering every eventuality. You should hopefully be able to hire stars every game(1500-1700k GC is a perfect amount to be spending on your wage bill), and with 12-13 players on the pitch, you’ve got that bench that they did, using their gold to do it!

You should also pick your weakness. The thing is, you can’t keep your team low and cover every eventuality. You also only have about 7 games to play...while you should be confident playing Elves and bashers...there’s nothing wrong with taking a team that will fall apart if it encounters a Wood Elf team with super strip balling dancers, or just a loaded up Dwarf team. If it means that you’ve got a real high chance of losing to them, but a significantly increased chance of beating everyone else, throw the dice! Youse need to keep your wage bills as low as possible. Make sure you know your weakness, and make sure it’s planned for.

See what types of race are popular. Have your build ready in your head that you want to do. Be sure you can beat the main races that enter.

Finally, make sure you’se got a Dirty Player. The best equaliser you can get is to kick your opponents star where it hurts.

In a major, luck of the draw is a huge factor. Play on dat. Worst that happens is you get sacked!

Pick inducements carefully

I could write a Grotty Love Letter about Inducements. I loves them! They bring a tear to my yellow eye! Da thing about Inducements is..theys a little random. Remember what I said earlier? Do yah?! Randomness is BAD! We can’t plan for random, we can’t cope with random. We want to cut down da random in our play.

That means, everyone’s favorite star, the lovely saw is out. While this makes my inner gob sad, it just ain’t reliable enough. Would you trust your entire pot of bribe money to a rookie Lineman who tends to fall over a lot? No? Well, trust me when I say that’s about how reliable a saw is! Even against lightly armoured dudes, he will get pounded into the ground early on, and that saw will be biting into his armour instead. If you can hire his apo though... sadly I’ve never seen one of those apos willing to work for my team.

Similarly, when I’m coaching pointy eared freaks, I’m not a big fan of that one eyed maniac Eldril. In my experience, he walks up to a nasty Dwarf, looks hard at his eye before getting turned into squishy red jam. Waste of money! (when he fires, he’s damn effective though, I’ll give him dat). For a rounded team, Eldril can provide the punch in their armoury they need..but for a 20 game team, it’s not worth chancing it.

So, what is you lookin’ for?

You’se looking for something that changes the balance of the team. Someone who breaks the limits, breaks what the team regulations say. It’s funny, the BRC enforce all dese things that you can’t sneak another Saurus onto the pitch when you’se got 6 already....but give money to Silibili and you find them mysteriously looking the other way. Der’s some very very clever goblins in those halls!

They’ve got all these competition rules, to try and enforce how balanced it can be, but you see Dark Elves with 5 Blitzers and 3 Witch Elves, Orcs with 2 Trolls, Undead with 3 Mummies. Nobody can prepare for that, because whatever their pots ‘o cash, they can’t hire those players!

I always look at Inducements as the BRC giving me money to pick the weak spots in the opposing team. Look over the line up, find the weak spot and give it a sharp kick with a spiky boot (with other people’s money!).

Lots of older players with niggling knees? Take a Bribe! Kick the knees when they fall over! They may have forbidden spiky boots, but if their knees are old and battered, that’s just as good as one of my old favourite Big Spikey’s! Bribes mean that they won't pile on, cos lying down is dangerous. A good foul is as necessary as it always was.

Babes are good for you. The spectators love da show, and it gets those lazy gits of yours back on the field. Remember, if 2 babes get you your stars back for the second half, that’s worth it!

The Wizard is always powerful. He's not a given though. For the love of Mork, remember that if you take a wizard, you need to extract the ball after he explodes the carrier! If you can't capitalise on a spilled ball, maybe you should be looking to your true strengths (beating on them with sharpened claws).

Got a Dark Elf team and 270k? See what the opposing team is. If they look a bit fragile, Hubris is an utter nightmare for them, fast moving, damaging, able to strip the ball from their hands. If they look too big to bash (and dats big, given the kicking skillz you should be training them in), then Roxanna can pull a ball from anywhere, and surf even the biggest Black Orc. Pick a tactic, and make it work.

The bigger they are, the further they have to fall when you kick em in the nuts...a Goblin mantra to live by.

Play smart. Play dirty. Play Goblin.

While two dogs are fighting for a bone, a third runs away with it or The 'hidden' dominance of League

While the big argument of the day is mostly clawpomb, cherrypicking and minmaxers (at least at the time of writing) and not necessarily Ranked vs Blackbox, that particular argument is not quite dead. Of course, going from clawpomp and minmax to Ranked vs Blackbox is only a small step. Allow me to recreate an abbreviated, stereoptypical argument between a hypothetical Blackbox fanatic (coach A) and a hypothetical Ranked fanatic (coach B).

A) I got drawn against <insert a coach who likes to use minmax clawpomb a lot> again today. We had such a bloody game, I enjoyed the hell out of it!

B) I sure am glad that I do not have to play teams like that, who employ one or two ruthless killers, I truly think that CRP would be better without Piling On, or at least with a nerfed version of it... Sucks the pleasure out of it.

A) Might be it's a little overpowered, but blood is still fun!

B) No doubt spreading that blood fever to every team out there is a very noble goal... For every opponent like that, you're also destroying an 'innocent' team.

A) That's part of Blood Bowl. Picking your opponent is unnatural, mate.

B) So is that endless minmaxing of yours!

And thus, the endless war has begun again. And fact is, both sides of the argument are completely correct in a way. Let's clear this up for a moment.

Yes, in Ranked you can cherrypick your way to the top, and therefore it is relatively easy to 'design' a perfect Dark Elf team for example, with a great to flawless record if this is done by a good coach.
Yes, in Blackbox you can minmax your way to a great to flawless record as well, by keeping your TV in the 'sweet spot', and/or by using a few dedicated players and constantly firing and rehiring all others.

Neither division is perfect. That is not possible. The reason why the two are so popular is because they allow near-instantaneous play. Ah, you've got time to play? Great, let's look for an opponent or activate in Blackbox. Opponent found, and let's rock. And even though CRP is arguably better designed for this perpetually open environment, it is still not the natural environment for the currently designed Blood Bowl rules.

The League division is.

Oh, not the division outside of specific leagues. Then it is just Ranked with less restrictions. Nor the occasional cups or weirder leagues, such as BB7's and no-block leagues.
Blood Bowl is meant to be played in the context of a WIL, a WIBBL, a SWL, an ECW, IL, CFFL... You name it. All those kind of perpetual scheduled leagues. There is no min-maxing, there is just team management. Deliberately keeping Amazons at 1100, or Chaos Pact with just Marauders and two of them as hitters? Go ahead, but that naturally developed 1900 TV team will rip you apart or beat you. And if that didn't happen, then you are just doing a good job.
There is no cherrypicking. There is almost always no avoiding the better coaches and teams, and if there is, then what you are doing is likely not leading you to the top of the League. And best of all, there is something specific to strive for. A cup, promotion, a title belt... All of which represent infinite glory.

And the only reason League isn't the biggest division out there, is because it usually requires you to schedule your game with an opponent. In addition, it requires the responsibility to regularly play your game, which makes it difficult.

Next time the ugly argument between Ranked and Blackbox rears its damned silly head again, then remember that it does not matter. Ranked and Blackbox both have their advantages and disadvantages, but in the end, League is superior- no matter what.

I am not sure how many of you follow American Football or more specifically the NFL. But for those that do know there is a regular season, post season, super bowl, mini camps drafts, combines etc. Imagine those receivers/catchers running a 3.1 40 yard dash, lineman that were not just fodder put up to take punishment, but key cogs in a team, that can bench press 1,200 lbs. Throwers that can throw nearly the length of the field, and blitzers that can roll into a ball to spring up into coverage. Now imagine that this galaxy had multiple races fitting onto the same team, playing a game that could almost be described as a combination of the NFL and blood bowl, with a promotion relegation system similar to the English football league system and you would have the GFL or galactic football league. The weekly report not only lists the standing and the players of the week, but also the death's on the field. Gory and glory, promotion and relegation, life and death and don't even get me started on the combine! Every game has an impact on the local economy, trade agreements, politics you name it. The league's owners are tied to the mob and shady things happen behind the scenes all the time.

These are all featured in "The Rookie" by Scott Siegler, who combines all of these elements in a futuristic yet still recognizably semi-modern way. From the opening chapters I was hooked, The Rookie follows a tier 3 human quarterback named "Quintin Barnes". Follows him through a brutal, fast paced season in which his contract being bought by a tier 2 team, which is one step from the big leagues. Every opposing team wants to beat him and his team, and wouldn't mind killing him, on the pitch either! If that wasn't enough, his problems aren't on all the field, as he has to figure out how to deal with alien races he has been told and indoctrinated to hate from birth to be a kin to devils and demons. Blood spilled pitch, NFL style action with the fear of being relegated and the hope of being promoted to the big leagues, sounds like it might interest a few blood bowlers? Well I have enjoyed it and figured I would share, currently "The Rookie" has been sold out of the original hard covers, but is still available in electronic copies readable on kindles and the similar e-readers.

If you like "The Rookie" there are currently two sequels (The Stater and the All Pro) out so you can continue the experience.

Blood Bowl Sevens is a unique combination of fast games, rush of choices, cruel drives, running playstyle, and refreshing variety of improbable situations. As you must have correctly guessed a team consists of 7 players. Well, most of the time...

*** Did you know that Schröedinger’s cat was a Snotling in disguise? It may be in more than one place at any given time, this is why the referee can't count Snots. Snotlings is the only team in the Blood Bowl Sevens league which is "allowed" to have 8 players on the pitch at the same time. ***

Strategy roundtable

Forget about the cage. You have to be extremely creative if you want to protect your runner. The nature of the game suggests that fast movement is very important, since you have to cover the same pitch with significantly fewer players. Forget about reliability too! There is no Team re-roll, so you take significant risk with any act. Turnovers are no oddballs, and you have to be prepared for them. The variety of drives is extremely broad. It is highly unlikely that you will encounter the same series of actions. This is actually the biggest inspiration to play Blood Bowl Sevens. You might be angry because you were diced, or you might be extremely lucky, but on the other side the drives are all unique and interesting. No cage-style repetitive boredom.

Some skills have higher than expected value

Any skill that gives you a re-roll is premium, since you don't have Team re-roll. So Dodge is powerful as expected, but dont forget about Leader, Pass, Catch, Pro, or even about Sure Feet! Some teams really badly want to have a Leader, otherwise they fall apart as a bunch of amateur fools. No surprise, most Blood Bowl Sevens teams consist of amateur fools anyway.

I have personally had very good experiences with the Pro skill. I tried it on a Wardancer, which is a position to drain re-rolls turn after turn even in normal games. I would not call it a must-have choice, but the result was very positive.

***
Did you know that even Trolls may look professional in a BB7s team? Loners and Really Stupid players are as good as any other BB7s players? Because of the lack of Team re-rolls those disadvantages are not significant, so their inability to be coached is not an issue.
***

Blood Bowl Sevens Organised Events

Teams coaches and players alike suffered from the long, and exhaustive Lockout after LRB4. The implementation of the new CRP-based collective bargaining agreement solved the problem, and now every coach is welcome to gather his "gang" from the "street".

***
Did you know that roster money has more to do with Monopoly money than with dollars in BB7s? That "money" is considered opportunity instead of real cash. You can hire some players, assistant coaches, or cheerleaders, but they wont be really professional. They play in their freetime, and they only cash in when the team turns into a real winner.
***

We have succesfully managed the Kickoff tournament, which was the first CRP tournament. We have currently 5 tiers of teams. Camp teams can have any team value, but only teams with less than 4 games are considered as Camp eligible. Teams with TV between 600 and 800 are considered Street tier teams. Teams with TV between 800 and 1000 are considered Tavern tier teams. If a team ever is above 1000 TV, which is the starting TV of a normal, professional Blood Bowl team, then the team is considered Semi-Pro. Grandfathered teams are migrated teams from LRB4 to CRP environment.

Conratulation for the winners of the Kickoff tournament!
7 Fillies (Amazon) by blader4411 – winner of Camp division
Farpost Rogues (Dark Elf) by Chavo - winner of Tavern division
Testing...1. 2. 7 (Norse) by captainmalkor - winner of Semi-Pro division
Seven Handsome Gents (Orcs) by FreeRange - winner of Grandfathered division
(The street divisions final is already scheduled, but not played yet.)

Interesting STAR players

Snap (Beastman) – Block, Guard, Mighty Blow, Tackle, +AG
Claude Lévi-Strauss (Ghoul) - +ST, Block, Leader, Tackle, Side Step
Baron Leach II (Vampire) - +ST, Block, Dodge, Pro, Sure Hands
Vincent (Dark Elf Blitzer) - +ST, +AG, Mighty Blow, Tackle

Want to join?

Just visit the Blood Bowl Sevens main page, and join the BB7s channel at IRC to find out the details! (Please link these 2 places if possible.)
Smacks are coming, and a full year schedule is under development for 2012!

The Southern Wastes League (SWL) is the longest running of the big leagues on FUMBBL. Open to coaches that are based in Australia, New Zealand, East Asia and all those little islands in the eastern Pacific that have the internet (so Hawaiian girls A-OK). You can find out more about the history of SWL on the groups website or guide.

The main SWL competition is a 4 plus divisional league, where each coach battles to reach and win the Premier Division title. Season 42 (yes 42!) has just been completed, and was one of the closest run of all time. Eventually a Lizardman team came out on top for a record breaking 4th time, however it was very close towards the end, with an elf coach 1 game away from taking the whole thing or being relegated. Season 43 is due to start on the 16th of January, stop by the chat room or send a pm to me or one of the SWL admins for more details.

Winning Premier titles isn’t just what the SWL is all about though. SWL also has a vibrant ‘open’ scene. This is run in SWL’s chat channel (#SWL), where you can find friendly one off games, in a time-zone that is usually slow in the Ranked and Blackbox divisions. Also the ‘picking’ mentality is frowned upon in SWL, so you can be sure to get a fair shout of a win, no matter what your experience level.

On top of all this, SWL is also on the cutting edge for short, fun and inventive tournaments. The majority of these are stops on the ‘Southern Wastes Fringe Tour’ (SW FT), visiting ports all around the Warhammer World for some fun in the sun and blood in the mud. After finishing up in Ulthuan, the tour is currently causing mayhem in Naggaroth.

Also warming up nicely is the Southern Wastes Warlords Showdown (SWWS). This is a small all Marauder league that is part of SWL, with imaginative features you won’t find anywhere else on FUMBBL! Again, pop into SWL chat or send a pm (to Tomay) for more details.

Finally, not to be left behind with all things Zombies, SW FT presents ‘Zombie Madness’. Starting soon, will be a Zombie tournament with revolutionary features never before seen on the site. Contact me or see the SW FT page for more living dead details.

GLN: The NBFL has shown steady growth since you've taken over as Commissioner... it even has a small waiting list of coaches hoping for a franchise. What is the reason for the immense popularity surge for the NBFL?

eisen: Ah a softball eh?

GLN: Thought I’d take it easy on you first…

eisen: I'd like to take all the credit for myself but I think there are several factors. The amazing league page and custom team logos created by ryanfitz are right at the top of the list. Also the league has been around for more than 6 seasons now, stability in [L]eague isn't easy to find

GLN: ryanfitz heads the branding of the NBFL, does he?... He was instrumental in the look of Kalimar's LRB6 client too, no?

eisen: Yep that's him. Professional art design for free? Can't really go wrong there.

GLN: Each team gets a custom logo made by him?!

eisen: All free of charge! He even takes requests and sometimes makes logos for coaches that get kicked out of the league two weeks in!

GLN: You are an enigmatic figure. Your commissioning decisions can often be polarizing. Describe your philosophy and the style with which you run the league.

Checks his watch...

eisen: I think the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my management style was.."eisen is a downright heartless sonofagun" You have to rule with an iron fist or things just fall apart. I've been in so many leagues that disbanded or stagnated due to missed games, or waiting on one or two slackers. If you want to play, then play, if not take a hike.

GLN: You've had to kick quite a few coaches... was that difficult for you personally?

eisen: Are you kidding? That's half the reason I started the league. Booting slackers gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over.

GLN: There are rumors you are evil. Are you?

eisen: An evil person would rarely ever admit to being evil.

GLN: That’s the best answer I’ve ever heard to that question. Now you've let some coaches back into the league after being kicked... what did those coaches have to do?!

eisen: It's true. I have granted pardons to some after a booting. Almost always it comes back to bite me and the league. But we've had some success this season with readmissions. Most coaches don't think they'll actually be kicked midway though a season, sometimes giving them a second chance produces good results

GLN: It seems you may not be evil to the core...

eisen: No comment

GLN: Let's talk about the history of the league a bit… What are some of the more famous franchises?

eisen: Wow, I could go on and on about this one... The Kansas City Vampire Lords, coached by the famous Azure, won Superbowl I… severely under strength at a TR of 164. Buffalo Billy Goats Gruff, coached by Jeffro, are known for being a very deadly team although they've fallen on hard times after their Superbowl 2 win. There are several others of note. ryanfitz's Atlatl 'n' Falchions haven't won a Superbowl but regularly manage to win games…

GLN: Like the upset of Detroit in the NFC Championship season 2...?

eisen: That was a loooong time ago and I'm sure I don't remember that game …sounds of a chainsaw starting up and chewing through metal and plastic…

GLN: I believe they were down to 2 players in OT against a full squad of Orcs and somehow ended up winning...

eisen: Sadly all the game footage of that match was lost in a freak chainsaw accident, so there's no way to confirm the results … chainsaw sound stops abruptly…

GLN: Let's talk about the structure of the league. Some coaches are allowed an NFC franchise and an AFC franchise. How do you determine who gets what and how many?

eisen: Typically a new coach is allowed only one franchise to start. Once proven reliable that coach is able to expand to an open team in the other conference. Naturally exceptions are made if we're ever short a team, or a coach is able to come up with a respectable donation to the league office.

GLN: You have two franchises - Detroit and Cinderfall. Are there ever any questions of fairness?... the commish also being a coach, I mean...?

eisen: I think anyone asking questions of fairness simply has to look at the records of the teams in question. It isn't pretty

GLN: Cinderfall lost a Superbowl by throwing an interception to a Dwarf. … silence… How does that make you feel?... GLN taps incessantly on the table with his pen...

eisen: I can't deny I put a sledgehammer through my computer. However the coach that stole Superbowl 3 from us is no longer with us, so things even out.

GLN: I see.... GLN smells evil... What's that smell?

eisen: I don’t smell anything different…

GLN : Never mind...What's your favorite cheese?

eisen: Ah so many to pick from! Today's variety is the Green Beard Hackers, but most of our cheese related teams get booted or petulantly quit during the playoffs. (*NB* Since this interview, the Green Beard Hackers have, indeed, been booted for slacking.)

GLN: If you could eat the kidneys of any player in the NBFL, who would it be and why?

eisen: Child, please! I'd eagerly consume the kidneys of Chad Ochocino, the fastest rat ever to grace the pitch. Thus I could gain a portion of his legendary speed!

GLN: Like other minor daemons, you were spawned by defecation... how hard is it to find shoes that fit to cover your hooves? …awkward silence…

eisen: I’m still searching for a shoe endorsement deal.

GLN: Let's get back to the league setup. There are no AFC vs. NFC matches except for the Superbowl... will that ever change?

eisen: I hope so. I try to model the game structure on the real NFL as closely as I can. But sadly without having additional options in the L system this just isn't possible right now

GLN: The new client has changed a few things, hasn't it?

eisen: Ho ho. You bet it has

GLN: How have Inducements compared to Handicaps and the league's previous use of GP's?

eisen: GP (Or Gridiron Points) were a way to even the odds in the old client. With the new client the Journeymen system largely made this a fluffy but useless system.

GLN: How about Inducements vs. Handicaps?

eisen: It's a wash, in my humble opinion. Handicaps were designed to punish the stronger team, whereas Inducements reward the weaker team.

GLN: I forgot to ask this before... you run the league with an iron fist and ryanfitz does the branding and number crunching... What the hell does Jeffro do?

eisen: Hrmmm you know I never really figured that one out. Maybe it looks bad if a league only has two admins?

GLN: Some say he's basically a powerless "yes-man"...

eisen: He does yell at people to play their games on occasion. I suppose that's a useful quality.

GLN: What's in store for the future of the NBFL?

eisen: I have a number of things on tap. Gold rewards, total elimination of spiraling expenses and accurate NFL scheduling. All of these things require changes to the L system, so it's unlikely we'll have them before next season.

GLN: Ever think about a *Fantasy* Fantasy Football League based on the players of the NBFL...?

eisen: Sweet Nuffle no. The administrative upkeep on that sort of thing would be insane

GLN: How about a Minnesnowta ViQueens calendar?!

eisen: A ViQueens calendar would be killer! That is assuming we can get their coach to stop slacking and put it together

GLN: Despite the popularity of the league, the Superbowl has had a decline in viewership the past couple seasons. You, yourself, have not attended the last two. What can you do to remedy ticket sales for what should be the biggest game of the season?

eisen: The decline was related to a time zone issue between the two coaches, both times. I made the mistake of being too nice and allowing the coaches to set their playtime. Can you believe it!?!?! For this year's main event I'll take over scheduling directly so all our fans can count on the availability of many primetime tickets for the biggest event on FUMBBL!

GLN: Excellent plan. Thank you for your time.

Whiskey Bowl VIII was a smashing success as the High Desert Bar Flies punched their Championship ticket in OT. 32,000 fans crammed into the stadium to watch the spectacle of the finals match. They took down the upstart Victory who was the 8th seed in the playoffs. The match was a back and forth affair that saw both teams with golden shots to win the match in regulation come up short. Plans for Season 9 are already in place and the teams are restocking the bars and getting set for another glorious run at the Whiskey Bowl.

This years winner received 4 cases of Bugmans XXXLimited Edition ale, 2 Cases of Bogenhoffen sour mash, 4 Cases of Bloodweiser beer, bottle of Marienburg 75 year old Scotch with gift set and a one year sponsorship from the Nuln Brewery Association.

The Whiskey League is based out of Nuln and they play at the "Barrell" which is a local pitch in the middle of the Brewery District. The league is comprised of drunks, Blood Bowl maniacs, bar flies and fanatics of fine Scotch whiskey. Who all happen to own teams. So what better way to pass the night drinking and socialising with friends than sitting in an owner's box, sipping on some fine whiskey and watching your Blood Bowl team beat the living tar out of some other team. The side bets are lively and usually revolve around cases of whisky and ale.

So if you like to hang out at night, sip some whiskey and socialise with the resident drunks of FUMBBL, then check out the Whiskey league and get set to strap on your helmet for a rough ride!

A Zombie walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the Zombie, "It's his birthday".

***

What do you call a Zombie with a Larson?
A dead War Dancer.

From whence we last left off, we’d talked about the basics of priming your pixels and repainting them in your team kit. This should serve as a good base for more experimental pixel tomfoolery on your part. But a funny thing happened on the way to the bit box to create a plethora of Clawbombers and mutated freaks…

ZOMBIES!
Not the loveable, cute ones that dress up and walk around the streets of Bretonnia intoxicated and impersonating the rotting undead. We’re talking the real deal, honest to goodness, football playing, face kicking, flesh falling off the bones like a tender roast Zombiehp?op=modload&name=Sections&file=index&req=viewarticle&artid=22&page=15]You can review them in GLN 10.[/url] (And who wants a long drawn out lead into to a story on Zombies, get straight to the eating brains already!)

First step, find your victim. I started with everyone’s favourite target, the most vile and disgusting of creatures, the Elven Wardancer. The first thing to do is convert him to RGB and remove any bits that have been lost or maimed (his beautiful locks in this case).

Once the infection sets in it takes hold quite quickly. Using a Hue/Saturation layer (details in GLN 10), alter all the skin areas to a nice Zombie blue/grey. For my Zombies I have primarily used H/S/L settings of 200/20/-10 and colourize mode, as pictured below. You may need to play with these settings for other icons, such as Orcs.

The face (of things to come)
One of the most distinct Zombie defining features is their face. The skewed jaw, vacant stare, and oozing wounds. Starting with the eyes, replace the regular pupil with an off-white orb. Alternately, you can occasionally forgo an eye all together, as Zombies have a penchant for misplacing them it seems. Being undead is a pain for skin care, using a single pixel pencil at 20% black, darken the sockets around the eyes for a sunken look. Still with the same pencil at 20%, alter the mouth. Zombies definitely don’t chew with their mouths closed, so feel free to give it a gaping maw. Finally, finish off the facial transformation by breaking off helmet parts, exposing some bone or brain, and dishevelling the hair. (Zombies hate hygiene!) We’ve given this Wardancer a crooked coif, a shame worse than death for an Elf.

How embarrassing, my coccyx is showing
In addition to misplacing their eyes, Zombies have a way of losing limbs and ending up with unexplainable gaping wounds. (It may have something to do with being turned into undead walkers by other Zombies ripping apart and eating their flesh, but there is no empirical research to prove this conclusively. For now, it remains a mystery.) So, spice up your new Zombie with some exposed bone, it’s what all the cool emo kids are doing these days. A great resource for Zombie parts is other Zombies. Here we’ve borrowed the leg from another unfortunate soul, with a slight modification to the hemline of the tights. On top of that, it seems this fellow must have failed his Leap roll (/cheer) and fallen on his elbow in the middle of the cage (/stomp) before being gang fouled (/hurt) and convinced to switch hit for the other team, which doesn’t seem like a stretch for Elves (/ooh). A few white and grey pixels around the elbow area, with some darker grey/blue to define the edges of the wound and you are set.

Excuse me, you’ve got something on your face
Blood! Yes, what Zombie is complete without a little, ok a LOT of blood. The final step to creating your (barely) walking meat shield for your team is the red and runny stuff. And since our sponsorship has run out off Hindz, we’ll have to settle for the real thing, though the condiment seemed to stick better and provided more flavour. Create a new layer in PhotoShop (or Gimp, or just wing it in Paint) and set it to Multiply. Using the one pixel pencil again, still at 20%, select the brightest red colour used in the player uniform. Add the blood liberally to the areas that would be affected for your Zombie. For this lad we’ve added some to the arm and elbow with the exposed bone, around the eye and mouth area where he was (accidentally I am sure) kicked, and a little bobo on his shoulder.

It’s Alive!
Well not really in a scientific beating-heart-and-ability-to-reason kind of way. More of a this rambling, rotting guy will be awesome when he gets Dirty Player version of alive. Is there anything better sounding to an Undead coach than when the organ player strikes up a rousing tune to mark the arrival of a new player? Didn’t think so…

Zombies abound!
The horde has been busy recruiting new walkers. Thanks to Harvestmouse for his great Slann Zombie.

Next issue we will look at Mutations, if I am able to escape the horde…

I have 3 Norse corpses available for sale. In good condition and perfect for Journeyman Zombie slots.
Contact: Frank "the Black" at The Amethyst College, Nuln.

Found in my attic an autographed spiked Blood Bowl ball by Wilhelm Chaney, 25GC. Also a game day program from the finals of the GLT IV, 20 GC.
Contact: Billy Drumming, Iron Cauldren Tavern, Altdorf.

Looking to start up you own Blood Bowl team? I have a complete 16 man roster of Zombies, freshly dug up, in good condition and some of the players were former Blood Bowl players. This is a great starter team for any coach a little short on cash. 560,000 GC to own you own team. Mummies and Wights are additional cost. Ghouls not available at this time due to high turnover rates.
Contact: Alfred E. Newman, Undertakers Guild, Altdorf.

You have to buy this! I have a Blood Bowl boot with severed foot still inside for sale. This was the foot of Rituzere Spinedancer. Was thrown into the 3rd row of the quarter finals match of the Warpstone Open. This is a highly collectable item of Blood Bowl lore. 75GC.
Contact: Driccela the Vile of Gotenborgen.

Seeking grave diggers to travel to Sylvania to a ancient Blood Bowl pitch to recover some remains to form my own Blood Bowl team. Experience in digging up corpses, avoiding the authorities and Vampires a must. Great pay and benefits plus a one year season ticket pass.
Contact:Zoltron the Pale, Wizards Guild of Nuln.

Tired of your wife/girlfriend not getting into the spirit of Blood Bowl? Well come on by Hot Velmas, Altdorf, and check out the latest line of women's FUMBBL lingerie. Over 100 teams to choose from. Lingerie is designed for Humans, Elves and Halflings. Coming soon is the Beastwoman and green is sexy line of lingerie. These items will get your lady "hot" and ready for some Blood Bowl.

Where to contribute

Those wishing to contribute to the advertising sections of the Grotty Little Newspaper (GLN) should post in the appropriate section within the correctly dated GLN forum. These are regularly checked by the editors. If your forum contribution is erased, it was probably used and is safely tucked into the correct area of the GLN.

For those wishing to contribute an article to the GLN please go to the IRC channel #GLNR and speak to Ro or anyone willing to listen :) about it.

House style for the GLN

Articles in the Grotty Little Newspaper, like any publication, have a set of house styles which mean that certain elements appear in a consistent style across the whole issue. Specifically, please conform to the following rules:

• FUMBBL is spelt in all capitals... NOT Fumbbl.
• Blood Bowl is spelt as two words, both capitalised... NOT Bloodbowl or Blood bowl.
• Races and positions are capitalised when they are referred to individually, so for instance you would talk about an Orc Blitzer, not an orc blitzer.
• Skill names are also capitalised. Note that both Dump-Off and Throw Team-Mate have a hyphen, but Side Step and Bone Head do not.
• Coach names are referred to as they appear on their coach pages so that, for example, m0nty is not capitalised but Christer is.
• Be careful with apostrophes. Do not use them when talking about plurals, like SPPs.
• Question-and-answer (Q&A) interviews are normally done with the questions being preceded by GLN:, not the author's name. Carriage returns (i.e. a blank line) are inserted between the Qs and As. Stage directions (when you are describing something that is happening, not being said) are put after the speech in a new line, in italics. There are no quote marks around the speech sections.

The Grotty Little Newspaper would like to thank everybody who made this issue possible: