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Greetings, sports fans! Kirk McKirk here, conducting an in depth, post-match interview with the victorious coach, Elliott the Lame, who has just lead his team, Please Don’t Hurt Us! to their debut victory. Let’s take it down to the sidelines, where the coach and surviving team members are celebrating.

McKirk:
First off, Elliott, congratulations to you and your team on your victory. How does it feel?

EtL:
Feel? How does it feel? Look at us! This wasn’t a match, it was a slaughter! We’ll be lucky if we can ever piece this team back together again!

McK:
Valid point. But let’s take it back to before the massacre, err… I mean “match.” What were you and your team thinking coming into today’s game?

EtL:
We felt that this would be an appropriate way to begin the season. Sure, we were going up against a team who out skilled us, but I felt that our “superior armor” would compensate for that, combined with our speed and versatility. I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy match, but if we could contain their offense, and make them commit some errors, a failed blitz, a poor dodge, an unwise pick-up attempt, we could capitalize on these mistakes. Enough distance between the ball carrier and the opponents can mean everything in this game. I’ve seen enough wood elf victories to be assured of that.

Mck:
Well said. What did you think of the opening? You lost the coin toss and were forced to kick off for the first half. From there, things got a little “ugly.” Take us through that first half.

EtL:
I wanted to play D to start out with, so the riot that erupted really played to our favor. I thought that if the Norse spread themselves too thin, we could start setting marks, and picking off a player or two; take advantage of their weaker armor. After that, make use of our speed and with overwhelming numbers, pin them in along the sideline. If the ball carrier poked their head out, hit ‘em.

McK:
Solid strategy. How did it work out for you?

EtL:
Look at my bench! How do you think it worked out for us? Half of the team was carried off the field in that first half, either knocked out or seriously injured. They walked, ran, and blitzed all over us. So, the plan had to be modified, midway through the half. I told them to never stop mounting a defense, and that if they scored, the game was lost.

McK:
And it looks as though that’s exactly what your team did, in fact, recovering a loose ball, and stopping your opponent from scoring. All-in-all a very brutal first half. So, you when into halftime score tied at zero a piece, and your team set to receive, was there a motivational halftime speech? Any words of wisdom? What was your plan? Your outlook for the second half?

EtL:
The first thing I did upon entering the locker room was check with the team doctors on the status of the injured players. The docs confirmed my worst fears; none of the players would be returning for the next half. Facing the prospect of going out there outnumbered 2 to 1, I honestly thought about conceding the match. I’m not proud of that; looking over the five remaining players, at the half hidden faces beneath their helmets, faces actively shaken from the first half, I let despair get the best of me. But then, I felt something welling up inside me, some primordial rage, some insatiable fury. “Men, on your feet,” I bellowed, “Line up for inspection.” As those five valiant warriors lined up side by side in front of me, I smile at them, smiled like a proud father. “Boys,” I said, as I reached up and grabbed hold of all of their facemasks, in one swift motion, knocking all of their heads together, and pulling them forward so I could look them all in the eye. “Get that ball into the endzone!” Well, my words infected those boys like Nurgle’s Rot, because they started howling, working themselves into a frenzy, as they rushed out of the locker room and back out onto the pitch.

McK:
Wow. Powerful message. What happened from that point on?

EtL:
Well, from there, the rest is pretty much history. We turned a bad kick into our advantage, bashing right down the center, blitzing and dodging our way into the endzone, catching the other team completely by surprise. After that, still greatly outnumbered, we played hard defense, keeping the pressure on them, and watched as the loose ball bounced its way off of the pitch, to be thrown back in at midfield. Low and behold, we came up with the recovery there, and managed to score yet another touchdown.

McK:
Impressive recovery, and an even more impressive performance by your team. Any final thoughts?

EtL:
I doubt that I could ever be more proud of this team than I am right now. They showed more guts and heart, gave more than anyone could haves asked them to give, and came together to be an amazing team. A ‘thank you’ also goes out to coach ChiTownPicaro and his team, who mounted an impressive offence. Wherever we may all go from here, this team, these players, they will always have this moment. Their first victory. There’s nothing like it!

McK:
An impressive display, and passionate words from a coach to his team; that’s what this game is truly all about. Well, that about wraps things up here, so I’m Kirk McKirk, and on behalf of all of us at Fumbbl Sports News, I wish you so long, and fair well, as we finish up here, with Please Don’t Hurt Us! dishing out a victory against the Valhallan Crime Family, 2-0. Good night, everyone!”