“Chapter 6

It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day and Coach Robsson was sitting propped up against a gravestone enjoying the view, while Ebeneezer lay sunbathing along the top of the wall behind him. Technically it was a practice session before that afternoon's match, but after the team had spent half an hour shuffling around complaining that it was too bright, too hot, too dry, and generally to pleasant for them, Robsson had given them an extended break. Most of them were now skulking around in the dank, mildewed depths of a nearby crypt or off in the shadier corners of the graveyard, digging for spares.

“You know who played really well last time out?” Robsson mused as he flicked through the reports from their previous game.
“All of them?” Ebeneezer replied.
“Well, yes, but I was thinking in particular of that lad who won the MVP, O-fish.”
“Who?”
“O-fish. You know, zombie, bit green and fuzzy around the edges, plays on the left.”
“That’s Otis.”
“No. I asked him what his name was and he told me it was O-fish.”
“That’s how he says Otis.”
“Does he have a speech defect?”
“He has no bottom jaw. Does that count?”
“Oh, I see. Well anyway, he played well. I think he has a bright future.”
“What about the new lad, Feccia?”
“The rat?” Robsson shrugged. “We’ll see. He’ll be on big guy duty for the first few matches, of course, but if he survives that I’ll be happy enough.
“Forget the rat,” Ebeneezer suddenly announced, sitting up and shading his eyes from the sun. “What have we got here?”
Robsson looked across the graveyard to where Ebeneezer was pointing. Celandril - in his elven form - was leading a female elf towards them. As they drew closer, Robsson realised it was a dark elf, and she seemed to be dressed as a cheerleader. “This looks interesting,” he said. “You know I have a thing for dark elf cheerleaders?”
“I do, as it happens.”
“I even died in the arms of one.”
“It was more at the hands of one, if I remember correctly.”
“Whatever. I wonder if she’s looking for a job, because if she is, she’s hired.”
“Hi, Boss,” Celandril said. “This is Berengariax. She wants to know if she can join the team.”
“Definitely,” Robsson said with a slight leer. “It’s high time we had a cheerleading squad, and she can be all of it as far as I’m concerned.”
“That’s not exactly what I had in mind,” the dark elf said.
“Oh. Well what then? We don’t need a cook. I suppose we do need someone to wash the uniforms now and then, but usually I just find some spare goblin to do that.”
The dark elf growled, dropped to the ground, and before Robsson’s eyes she transformed into a werewolf. “I don’t do wassssshing, or cleaning. I’m here to play Bloodbowl.”
Robsson looked questioningly at Celandril. The elf shrugged. “It was the other night, after the skaven game. I wandered down to see how the dark elf and chaos match had gone and I found Berengariax wandering around looking a bit dejected. So I decided to cheer her up a bit. We went for a drink, then a meal, and well, one thing led to another and… bingo!”
Robsson looked up at Ebeneezer. “Do we even allow women on the team?”
Berengariax growled again and moved forward until her new set of very large, and very sharp, teeth were right in front of the coach’s throat.
Robsson gulped. “Apparently we do. Welcome aboard.”


* *


So, a new werewolf, a new zombie, and a bunch of Khemri Tomb Kings to try and defeat. It certainly wasn’t an impossible ask, Robsson thought, but he would have preferred to play them on a day that wasn’t so hot and cloudless. Da Hui were clearly not sun-worshippers, and for the bone brigade it would be just like a home game - especially as the opposing coach, chrisjohnhunt, had insisted they play the match on sand rather than grass. On the plus side though, the only suitable sand they could find was on a flat stretch of beach not too far from where they had set up their camp, so Robsson found himself with the pleasant prospect of an afternoon in the company of his beloved ocean. He could smell the salt in the air - even above the smell of his players - and the freshness of the sea breeze was like…well, it was like a breath of fresh air. After the match, he would definitely take whatever was left of his team and introduce them to the noble art of standing on a wooden plank while the waves rose up all around.

As the players took up their positions he looked down at the match programme. “Stand and Bang,” he read out to Ebeneezer. “Is that their name, or their tactics?”
“Probably both,” Ebeneezer replied. “That tends to be the way with Khemri teams. It takes so much necromantic magic to keep all those bones in place that there isn’t much left over for the brains. A couple of basic instructions is all they can really handle, so it tends to be, hit, walk, hit, for most of them and maybe, pick-up ball, walk, hit, for the most promising ones.”

Sure enough, as the whistle blew and the ball sailed over into the Khemri half of the beach, the hitting started. The entire Da Hui front line went down like like a parade of snotlings, and even though they all managed to clamber back to their feet, they all went down again almost at once. This carried on for a while, and it was only thanks to the careful positioning of the wights and ghouls that the Khemri were prevented from walking in a score within the first few minutes.

And then something strange began to happen. Kornelius took a swing at one of the skeletons, and even though it was little more than a glancing blow, the skeleton fell apart in front of him. At the same time, Berengariax - who had raced around behind the Khemri lines - charged one of the bone blitzers and the same thing happened. The Khemri team were literally crumbling before Robsson’s eyes.
“Hey,” he said, giving Ebeneezer a playful nudge in the ribs. “I think the tide is turning.”
“Maybe,” Ebeneezer replied, “that’s because the tide is turning.” He motioned for Robsson to look over his shoulder.
The sea, which had been way out not ten minutes before, was now racing towards them as the evening tide came quickly in. At this rate, the pitch would be underwater well before the half. That was fine. His players were used to swampy conditions, and the water would only help to cool them down anyway. The rules stated that once a match had started it had to be finished, come rain or shine or, in this case, tide.

But chrisjohnhunt was having none of it. His boys liked it hot and dry, and the salt water would play havoc with those ancient bones. Even as Coach Robsson looked on, he gathered up his belongings, piled them onto the back of his team wagon and called for his players to leave the field. By the time the sea water was lapping around Robsson’s ankles, the Khemri were nowhere to be seen.
“Well,” he said. “That was short.”
“And sweet,” Ebeneezer added. “They left their match fee behind, and it’s ours by default.”
“And they left us some of their fans,” Kornelius added as he shepherded a handful of shamefaced skeletons towards Da Hui’s cheering mob of deadbeat fans.
“And we get their MVP award, as well as our own,” Robsson said. “I was thinking I might nominate a couple of the unsung heroes for a change.”
“Too late,” Berengariax said as she padded her way off the soggy pitch. She was chewing on a bone that had clearly belonged to one of the Khemri players until a few minutes before. “I’ve already taken them both.”
“You’ve done what?” Robsson demanded angrily. “You can’t do that.”
Berengariax stopped. She stared at the coach and continued to chew her bone, making sure he had a good view of her razor-sharp teeth. She said nothing.
“Well,” Robsson managed after a moment’s nervous pause. “It’s a bit unorthodox, but I suppose just this once we can allow it. After all, you’re a bright lad—”
“Grrrrl!” Berengariax growled.
“Girl,” Robsson corrected himself. “And I suppose it makes up for all those weeks you missed early on, doesn't it? So well done, and congratulations and…”
Berengariax drew back her lips and displayed the full extent of her dentition. Robsson chose to believe it was a smile.
“So,” he said once he’d finally got his legs to stop shaking. “The rest of the afternoon is ours. Who fancies learning how to surf?””