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Past Players of TheDeadisNotanEscuse!!!
| Player | Position | Games | SPPs | Skills | Injuries | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 6 | Brigitte Nielson | Cheerleader | 1 | 0 | Dodge, Hypnotic Gaze, No Hands, Right Stuff, Stunty | d |
| 20 | Kendall Decuis | Riotous Rookie | 1 | 0 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | d |
| 21 | Jayla Palid | Riotous Rookie | 1 | 0 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | d |
| 12 | Söldner | Snotling | 1 | 2 | Dodge, Side Step, Right Stuff, Stunty, Swarming, Titchy | |
| 14 | Tazz Izzgutt | Tazz Izzgutt | 6 | 0 | Dodge, Foul Appearance, Animosity, Right Stuff, Stunty, Pump Up the Crowd | |
| 3 | Filcher !von Hä II | Filcher | 4 | 0 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | -ma |
| 13 | Rockette Morton | Zombie Troll | 6 | 0 | Mighty Blow, Thick Skull, Decay, Loner, Really Stupid, Regeneration, Throw Team-mate | |
| 13 | Fan | Fan | 2 | 3 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | |
| 10 | Steven Seagal III | Goblin 04 | 8 | 7 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty, Safe Pair of Hands | n |
| 9 | Vin Diesel II | Warpstone Cultist 05 | 13 | 9 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty, Extra Arms | n, m, n |
| 3 | Filcher !von Hä | Filcher | 3 | 3 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | d |
| 16 | Willy Coyoto | Squig Hopper 1 | 14 | 16 | Jump Up, Claws, Loner, No Hands, Pogo Stick, Unchannelled Fury, Mighty Blow | -st, n |
| 13 | Vin Diesel | Warpstone Cultist 01 | 3 | 2 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | n |
| 12 | Jeon Luke Picard | Squig Tamer | 8 | 2 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | n, d |
| 15 | Gnat the Swivel Eye | Gnat the Swivel-Eye | 2 | 2 | Grab, Ball & Chain, Loner, No Hands, Secret Weapon, Stunty | d |
| 13 | Travis Astire | Goblin 12 | 3 | 2 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | d |
| 8 | Audrey Leynar | Goblin 08 | 16 | 8 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty, Diving Tackle | m, n, d |
| 14 | Alina Jayco | Goblin 16 | 9 | 1 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | m |
| 13 | Mel Gibson | Bribed Ref | 0 | 0 | Dodge, Loner, Right Stuff, Stunty | |
| 12 | Nicole Vethelot | Goblin 04 | 1 | 3 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | d |
| 10 | Amy Cosdeer | Goblin 02 | 6 | 0 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | -av |
| 9 | Maddox Ellywicket | Goblin 01 | 4 | 5 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | n |
| 8 | Jackie Chan | Squig Tamer | 0 | 0 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | |
| 6 | Chuck Norris | Looney | 17 | 17 | Chainsaw, Secret Weapon, Stunty, Dodge, Sneaky Git | -av, m, -ma |
| 5 | Jean Cloud Van Dame | Player-Coach | 18 | 2 | Dodge, Right Stuff, Stunty | m, d |
| 3 | Hamster | Cheerleader | 2 | 0 | Dodge, Hypnotic Gaze, No Hands, Right Stuff, Stunty | n, -av |