Game 2: Saved from death by apo.

(11 December 2016, England) Drop an iPhone into your bath water, no biggie, all you get is a nasty repair bill. But drop a charging iPhone into your bathwater...and suddenly coroners are demanding warning labels.

It is with chagrin that this writer, known to bathe while poking at her laptop keyboard, shares news of the explicable demise of Richard Bull and his iPhone. Mr. Bull, 32, plugged his charger into an extension cord and rested the charger on his chest while using the phone in the tub. He received severe burns on his chest, arm, and hand when the charger touched the water in his West London home, which mattered little as he was already dead from heart failure.

Those of us who plug into plugged-in electronics must heed the coroner's warning and take a breather in the loo. The sparky mix of electricity and water is a fact known to all, yet the doctor who conducted the iNquest plans to send a stern note to Apple. Perhaps one more warning label will solve our problem?

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

"iWash I hadn't done that!" -Paul Seymour
"No Bull" -wR
"Did he leave any heir in the drain?" -Darwin
"Father Thomas Merton, a famous theologian, was electrocuted by an electric fan as he stepped out of the bath. Unfortunate as he was an intelligent and nice guy." -MasonK

SIDEBAR: "You're vulnerable in the bathroom." A laptop or mobile phone typically has a low voltage of 5V to 20V so you will not feel anything if it falls into your bath... as long as it is not charging. If it is charging up, you are at the mercy of elemental forces, and any safety factors that may be installed to save you from yourself.

(19 March 2004, Si Sa Ket Province, Thailand) During his snake-handling performance, Boonreung the "Snake Man" was bitten on the right elbow by a deadly mamba. While a lesser mortal might have rushed to a doctor for a dose of antivenin, the daring 34-year-old had his own treatment method: he downed a shot of whiskey and some herbal medicine. But alcohol and herbs are not generally recognized as effective against snake bites. It was on with the show -- until paralysis gradually took hold, and he collapsed.

At this point, he was unable to speak, and thus raised no objections as bystanders took him to Praibung Hospital. But it was too late. The poison had spread throughout his body, and he died the same day. Ironically, Boonreung is immortalized in the Guinness Book of World Records for having spent seven days in a roomful of venomous snakes in 1998.

Game 5: Became captain of the team.

28 May 2004, Italy) Fabio, 28, left the family ostrich business for a new job as a truck driver. But his interests were more eclectic than the average ostrich-farming truck driver. Relaxing one evening with friends at a pub in Cursi, Fabio shifted the conversation to his new interest in spy gadgets. He pulled an ordinary-looking pen out of his pocket and explained that it was actually a single-shot pistol. To demonstrate, he pointed it at his head and clicked the button. The cleverly disguised gadget worked perfectly, sending a .22-caliber bullet into Fabio's left occipital lobe.

Reader Comments:
"Well... it worked!"
"Here look... I'm a double naught spy!"

Reader Hana points out suspiciously, "The story tells us that he was shot in the occipital lobe, but the occipital lobe is located at the back of the head. Why would he aim the pen at the back of his head instead of the side or front?"

Reader Wumpus says, "The bullet would have had to enter from the back, because it wouldn't have enough force to pass through the front of the face and reach the occipital lobe. A low-caliber weapon might even bounce off the skull. Ronald Reagan was shot in the ribs with a low-caliber weapon, and it just bounced off."

Reader Alex argues, "A .22 cartridge has more than enough power to penetrate any area of a human skull and pass through the brain, at point blank range or not. Just pointing this out in case there is any one out there contemplating putting the Hana theory to the test and unadvertedly taking out a Darwin award."

Wumpus replies, "Alex must be thinking of a .22 fired from a rifle, which has a lot more oomph, due to the rifling and the acceleration of a longer barrel."

Reader JD clarifies, "It's called the "Pengun", and it's 22LR. At 4-5 paces, that means; "OW! F*** you, too!" Pressed against the brow, though... the local butcher uses the same caliber to kill steers. I may be more thick-headed than the average man, but I suspect cattle are more so..."

Reader Cory says, ".22 caliber pistols were once the pistol of choice for assasins. They have enough power to enter the skull, but not enough to come out the other side. While the bullet is inside the skull however, it tends to bounce around like a pinball shredding everything inside. So it very well could hit the lobe, regardless of where the bullet entered."

Ms. Darwin concludes, "And that's the last I want to hear on this subject! It's all hand-waving and speculation! Sheesh!"

Missed 2 games.

Game 3: Scored the first DT of the team for 3-0 victory against Ryazan Plaguebringers.
Game 11: Scored a 1TTD for a 2-1 victory
Game 12: Got a Smashed Hand (MNG)


November 2006, Singapore | Picture a college dorm room.
Textbooks, dirty laundry, sexy posters, food wrappers, and
in the middle of it all, a 16-year-old male rocking out
to loud music. A typical student, a typical day.

But this particular student, bouncing on his bed as he rocked
out on his air guitar, was about to "take things too far,"
according to the coroner's report. Li Xiao Meng, a student
at Singapore's Hua Business School, bounced up and down on
his bed with such enthusiasm that he rocked himself right out
of the third-floor window.

Normally the windows are locked, but students reportedly
force the locks so they can sneak a cigarette. Perhaps
alluding to Ted Nugent's rock song, the court ruled it
a case of "Death By Misadventure."

Reader Comments:
"Did he fall, or did he dive into an imaginary mosh pit?"
"Dude! Where's my mosh pit?"
"Oingo Boingo"

(12 April 2008, Florida) Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn M. had recently left a Pompano Beach bar, and now he was stuck in traffic. As the saying goes, you don't buy beer--you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself. "I need to take a leak," he told his friends.

Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall... only to fall 65 feet to his death. "He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. The car was idling on an overpass above the railroad lines.

His mother shared her thoughts. "Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father."

Though his death was tragic, Shawn's downfall proves the old adage: Look before you leak!

Reader comments:
"Guess he was dying to go."
"He shoulda peed in a bottle."
"Apparently it was just his time to go."

(14 November 2018, Andaman Islands, India) John Allen Chau, a self proclaimed world explorer inspired by Livingston and Jesus, was killed by the very tribe of natives he was offering eternal life. According to the BBC in Delhi, Chau bribed six fishermen to ferry him to the off-limits island so he could offer the Sentinelese tribe gifts of scissors, a soccer ball, and Jesus.

In a letter he wrote to his family, this Vancouver resident and Alabama native said he wanted to make contact with the 60,000 year old tribe because "The eternal [life] of this [Sentinelese] tribe is at hand."

He paddled to the island in a kayak and was immediately "attacked by arrows but continued walking," stated the global news agency AFP. The fishermen then witnessed the natives "tying a rope around his neck and dragging his body" along the shore. They were clearly rejecting his gifts.

The tribe, the most isolated on earth, has taken a well documented, zero tolerance approach to visitors since a British occupation almost wiped them out during the 1800's. It's no surprise Chau's remains remain unrecovered.

Was he a martyr as friends claim on Instagram? a missionary according to his parents? or just a selfish selfie seeker? or a genocidal maniac bringing the tribe life threatening disease, as his bible quote from Revelations 7 indicates? He said he wanted to "see them around the throne of God worshiping in their own language as Revelation 7:9-10 states." We'll never truly know the answer, since the tribe doesn't seem to have updated their social media accounts in quite some time. (14 November 2018, Andaman Islands, India) John Allen Chau, a self proclaimed world explorer inspired by Livingston and Jesus, was killed by the very tribe of natives he was offering eternal life. According to the BBC in Delhi, Chau bribed six fishermen to ferry him to the off-limits island so he could offer the Sentinelese tribe gifts of scissors, a soccer ball, and Jesus.

In a letter he wrote to his family, this Vancouver resident and Alabama native said he wanted to make contact with the 60,000 year old tribe because "The eternal [life] of this [Sentinelese] tribe is at hand."

He paddled to the island in a kayak and was immediately "attacked by arrows but continued walking," stated the global news agency AFP. The fishermen then witnessed the natives "tying a rope around his neck and dragging his body" along the shore. They were clearly rejecting his gifts.

The tribe, the most isolated on earth, has taken a well documented, zero tolerance approach to visitors since a British occupation almost wiped them out during the 1800's. It's no surprise Chau's remains remain unrecovered.

Was he a martyr as friends claim on Instagram? a missionary according to his parents? or just a selfish selfie seeker? or a genocidal maniac bringing the tribe life threatening disease, as his bible quote from Revelations 7 indicates? He said he wanted to "see them around the throne of God worshiping in their own language as Revelation 7:9-10 states." We'll never truly know the answer, since the tribe doesn't seem to have updated their social media accounts in quite some time.

Game 1: Saved from death by apo.

(25 March 2017, Mexico) Standing on a truck on an airport runway, our Double-Darwin Award Winners Nitzia and Clarissa chose a regrettable location for a cell phone selfie. Ms. Corral, 18, and Ms. Miranda, 17, were attending horse races that were held on a track adjacent to the runway. According to the Diario de Chíhuahua, the noise of the races and the desire for a new profile picture distracted the young women. They did not hear the motor of the descending aircraft, and the wing of the small plane struck and killed them instantly.

The incident occured in Chínipas, Chíhuahua, in northern Mexico.

People, wake up! to the plain hard fact that a mobile phone is a deadly distraction. Mobile devices take our awareness away from the physical world, and the Darwin Awards archives are stuffed overflowing with testimony proving the tragic truth of this. We mourn the deaths of two beautiful and lively young people, and cut down by such a careless mistake.

Cell phones will kill you! Put them away and allow your senses to receive input from tangible reality. Please share this regrettable cautionary lesson, a public service announcement, #yourdeathmatters

At-Risk Survivors have misadventures that stop short of the ultimate sacrifice. Nevertheless we salute the spirit of their colossal blunders with an Honorable Mention. Better luck next time!
Jack In The Box.
2014 At-Risk Survivor
Confirmed True by Darwin
(30 April 2014) Honorable Mention. Alive without a brain? Six days before his scheduled release, a convict broke out of a Portland jail and enjoyed twelve hours of freedom before being apprehended at a nearby Jack in the Box. The math genius had served 97% of his sentence.

Out of the Box, back into the Box, a classic Jack in the Box.

(13 August 1999, California) On Friday the 13th, Scott and his sister Kimberly had an electrifying experience while attempting to view the annual Perseid meteor shower. Scott, an aspiring young astronomer, set up his telescope for a closer view of the sky. Alas, poor Scott did not reflect on the merits of using a telescope for watching the Perseids.A telescope is really a hindrance. The wide field of vision of a naked eye will catch far more shooting stars than a telescope, particularly if that eye is taken away from from city lights into the desert or mountains.

Having already proven to be a poor astronomer, Scott proceeded to show that he was not much of an electrician, either. Bothered by the glare of a nearby streetlight, he broke into the base of the light pole and attempted to sever the 4000-volt power cord. He was pronounced dead at Hoag Memorial Hospital shortly after his spectacularly aborted skywatching attempt.

At 1AM on Friday, Scott used pliers to pry open an inspection plate at the base of the streetlight, then sawed into the 2-centimeter wire. Kimberly saw a flash knock him onto his back.

Scott had the technical know-how to construct a computer from scratch or wire a burglar alarm. "He was trying to solve a problem and not using his head, and he made a mistake," grieved the dead man's father. "He didn't realize the power."

A spokesman for Southern California Edison said, "This is another example of why you shouldn't tamper with electricity if you don't know what you're doing." A friend of Scott's remarked, "Scott had a itch for doing things with his hands. He has done many dangerous things. This time he made a fatal mistake." Another friend said, "Don't confuse bravery with stupidity."

25 October 2017, Malaysia) A spiritual magician died after accidentally steaming himself to death in a stainless steel wok while performing a ritual to 'cleanse body and soul.' Mr. Lim Ba, known professionally as Black Dog, had been performing human steaming for more than a decade despite family objections.

The 68-year-old guru sat in lotus position in the giant stainless steel steamer and rice, sweet corn, and vegetarian buns were placed alongside to also be steamed. 'Black Dog' clasped his hands in prayer as the lid was lowered over him and a fire was lit under the wok. "They really lit a fire under his buns."

But after thirty minutes this steamy scenario went wrong! Devotees heard the magician knocking frantically from inside the steamer. The lid was raised and Lim was found unconscious, steam billowing around him. Suffering from major second-degree burns, the man died of a heart attack.

The incident occurred at a temple in Kuala Sanglang, a small coastal village in northern Malaysia.

(14 July 2000, Canada) It was a dare that Sheldon, 25, will literally never take again. He and a group of friends found themselves at a Calgary apartment after an evening spent at a local bar. It was there that a joking challenge was issued. "Who wants to ride the in-house water slide?" The slide was actually a garbage chute. Sheldon volunteered, tumbled into the opening, and his subsequent headlong slide beat the standard elevator service down to the first floor. An unforgiving trash compactor awaited his arrival, and friends administered CPR there until emergency crews arrived at the scene. But they were too late. The 12-story fall had already dispatched Sheldon to his Darwinian demise.

His obituary was simple and understated. "Sheldon, age 25 years, passed away accidentally...

(28 January 2018, Selangor Malaysia) Zaim Kosnan spotted a twelve-foot reticulated python dozing on the side of the road. "That sizeable snake is worth money!" The 35-year-old prepared for this windfall with gloves and a sickle.

Sweet success! Swiftly was the first round won, and triumphantly Zaim held the reptile's head high as he transported it home by motorbike. Picture that crazy scene.

Swinging in the air, the displeased captive made a counter-move and wrapped its body round and round its captor, constricting in self-defense. Zaim swerved off the road and the results of Round Two became apparent to passers-by the next morning. They killed The 3.5 meter snake to free the man's body, and a post-mortem confirmed his death by strangulation.

Zaim Khalis was described as a quiet person who kept to himself.