Grotty Little Newspaper

Note from the Editor: Article was unfinished and thus a last minute cut - for an overview of the vault changes see Brownrob's excellent entry on the Playtester's Vault in the FUMBBL User guide.

Old McNuffle

by Candlejack

Old McNuffle had a game, E-I-E-I-O
And in this game he rolled some dice, E-I-E-I-O
With a 1 1 here, and a 1 1 there
Here a 1, there a 1
Everywhere a 1 1

Old McNuffle had a game, E-I-E-I-O
And in this game he made some blocks, E-I-E-I-O
With a skull skull here, and a skull skull there
Here a skull, there a skull
Everywhere a skull skull

Old McNuffle had a game, E-I-E-I-O
And in this game he got some injuries, E-I-E-I-O
With a RIP RIP here, and a RIP RIP there.
Here a RIP, there a RIP
Everywhere a RIP,RIP

Old McNuffle had a game, E-I-E-I-O
And in this game he gained some skills, E-I-E-I-O
With a nig, nig here, and a nig, nig there
Here a nig, there a nig
Everywhere a nig, nig

Old McNuffle had a game, E-I-E-I-O
And in this game he rolled some dice, E-I-E-I-O

Hello sports fans, Bob ‘Bonecrusher’ Barnes here! Welcome to GLN’s newest instalment of Team Talk, where we select a particular team and get to know one of their top stars. Today, we welcome Mackensen, top star Lion Warrior of the Thunder Dragons, a prominent High Elf team coached by patton_71.

Bob: Thanks for being here Mackensen, do you mind if we call you Mack?

Mack: N-nuh-no.

Bob: You seem a bit nervous, Mack, anything wrong?

Mack: Wh-what do mean?”
(hands shaking, Mack takes a sip of water)

Bob: You seem a bit uneasy with us today. Just relax and breathe, okay?
Mackensen responds with a nervous smile.

Bob: So, Mack, you are in the top ten active Lion Warrior receivers in the Ranked division, that is a great accomplishment. How about that?

Mack: Well, Buh-Bob, I feel very fortunate to have survived this long. I guh-guess I have b-been lucky for long enough t-to k-keep playing.

Bob: Yes, it seems the Thunder Dragons have been on the unfortunate end on many deaths on your team. From our statistics, you have suffered around twice the normal rate of deaths for the casualties you have taken. Any ideas why?

Mack: I don’t wanna talk about it.

Bob: You must have some opinion on why this has happened? I mean, you are on your third Quarterback, and several Blitzers have died or either retired.

Mack: Just take a l-look at our match record…Chaos, Orc, D-Dwarfs, Undead of all k-kinds, too many bashies for us to take.

Bob: So you are saying your coach is not selecting your opponents with enough care?

Mack: Muh-maybe...

Bob: What do you say to your critics, who claim that you tend to monopolize the team doctor’s talents with your recurring injury?

Mack: WHU-WHAT?! I am the only player who can help us win! Is it my f-fault I have these shakes now? Most of the time I can get it together for the game, b-but sometimes I need Doc’s help okay!?! They won’t let me get m-my own st-stash of vuh-valium any more!! Cuh-Coach ordering m-me to leap into cages to get the ball has m-made me this way! Go ask him wh-who is responsible for almost 20 dead players in j-just over 40 games!! Not me?

Bob: But perhaps if you were more of a team player and willing to sit a game out, the doctor would be able to tend to other player’s injuries instead of just yours?

Mack: TH-THAT’S A LIE!!! HOW D-DARE YOU!! YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN B-BEEN ON THE P-PITCH BEFORE YOU ST-STUPID B-BLOWHARD!!! MUH-MUH…SKKTTFFTT
Mack collapses into a quivering, stuttering puddle in his chair on the set.

Bob: Are you ok? I didn’t mean to upset you, Mack. Can we get some help over here?
Two trainers rush to the set in Thunder Dragons jackets to tend to Mackensen. Two eerily glowing green pills are hastily swallowed with that glass of water, and Mack seems to calm down almost immediately. After a few moments, Mack seem ready to resume the interview.

Bob: Is everything all right now, Mack?

Mack: Why wouldn’t it be, Bobby baby?
Mack now has a much more confident manner with a slightly glassy look in is eyes.

Bob: So you are ready to continue then?

Mack: As always, dude!
Mack now rocks slowly in his chair as if listening to some far off metal band.

Bob: OK, so where do you see the Dragons heading now?

Mack: All the way to the f[bleep]ing top man!! No one can stop me baby!!”

Bob: Any chance of entering a more structured and possibly more deadly league instead of the open division of FUMBBL?

Mack: Either way my man, I am gonna ride this rocket all the way. I am the best and no one is gonna stop me from the top of the record books!!!”
Fully in metal mode, Mack flashes the ‘hang loose’ sign to the camera with the obligatory tongue waggle.

Bob: So anything that you could think of to make you even better?

Mack: Free agency, Baby, that way I can show off my true talents with the right team. No more of this spreading the ball around crap the coach has been preaching lately.

Bob: Thanks for your time today Mack, and that’s it for us today, so see you all next time on ‘Team Talk’! The lights dim on the stage with Mackensen playing air guitar in his chair, and Bob speaking to the Dragons trainers, apparently making some sort of cash transaction.

I hereby attempt to summarise my vast knowledge of Stunty Leeg into a few well chosen words to describe each of the races I have encountered in my life as an apothecary…

1) Top of the shop. Nurgling
Nurgling are to Stunty what a hammer is to a nail: there to bash it unwaveringly into a hard object, often the pitch, more often something less giving. There is little call for my services as they tend to regenerate quite nicely themselves, which keeps them on the pitch and allows superior numbers to overwhelm most other teams. I don’t get close to the beasts if I can help it, but they like to get close to me with those tentacles, especially if I fail to heal a niggle during the match. Tactics include: hit, hit hard and if that doesn’t work... hit harder.
Rating 8/10.

2) Skinks.
Skinks have gone through some changes recently, I think the unions got involved and said they couldn’t have certain races in their teams Suits me, really! Since those changes went through demand for my services has increased dramatically. Good lads the skinks, not ones to be around though if you're outmatched in a fracas at the after-match celebratory party. I’d fancy outrunning a fling or two but you think these guys are fast on the pitch, wow, chased by opposing fans they’re twice as quick.
Rating 8/10.

3) Pygmy.
New guys on the block. There was a lot of discussion when these guys first appeared in the Leeg. I saw a few matches and thought they were impressive, but they are a bit fragile. Now, fragile is a term we apothecaries have to train 4 years in Blood Bowl Medical College to use with authority. What it means to the average supporter is that your best players are often injured. Those Jaguar warriors strut around like their droppings don’t stink. I say they should spend less time preening themselves and more time putting on some armour... it’d make my job easier.
Rating 7/10

4) Goblin.
Ah, I have fond memories of goblin teams. There was this one time at band camp... no that’s a different story. Goblins are your average Joes of the Stunty world: fast enough to be runners, strong enough to be bashers... just not quite enough of either to be really effective. One of the best cheaters in the business and they pay well, which means they attract some good star players. Trolls are always trouble though, you just can’t rely on them for those all important blitzes and you should see the mess when they eat one of their own players... well, actually the mess is about four hours afterwards. You thought goblins stunk when they were alive!
Rating 6/10.

5) Fairies.
Now fairies are a class act. Those Leprechauns are as generous as they are funny; always pay in gold coins for some reason... Because they are perceived as weak, fairies have the advantage of surprise versus some of the newer teams out there. I have seen plenty of fairy teams out-bash Snotling teams before now. A good tactic if none of your trees turn up is simple – play a three-fairy defence and hope they take four or more turns to score. If they delay, you're on easy street. If they push for a second, put up all your team and hope for a nippy Pixie to do what they’re paid for. Either way, the most impressive sight in Stunty Blood Bowl is the start of the second half with 3 tonnes of wood waiting for the opposition on the line of scrimmage.
Rating 7/10.

6) Strigoyan.
Now strigs are a funny lot. They never go out during the day, they hate mirrors – so they look awful and, worst of all, they never cut their toenails. Once on the pitch, they are a different clove of garlic. Too dependent on key players, they can get overpowered if their luck's out and a very aggressive team can see them in the grave (so to speak).
Rating 7/10.

7) Chaos Flings.
Never to be overlooked, because they are one of the few teams to fully employ chainsaws. They say it’s to do ice sculpting after the match, but I’m not too sure about that. Fully protected, these petrol-fume-filled freaks will chop you down to size in minutes. I had a job when employed by a goblin team that came across a chaos fling side. Suffice it to say sixteen men started the match but I had to collect over thirty body parts. Trolls with tentacles – whats that all about?
Rating 6/10.

8) Halflings.
They’re short, fat and lazy... and that’s just the fans. It is said in Fling folklore that you have to be the seventh son of a seventh son to play Blood Bowl. Well, to be any good as a fling you have to be something different... like a different race. They are slow and weak, they can’t run the ball; they can’t pass the ball. They are always injured; in fact the first day on the job I got lost and walked into the local fling hospital, twenty flings lying with broken legs, arms, and noses. It was only when I asked one of them where the Halfling team was that they told me: “We are the team!” The only bright point is the Trees. Even they have their downsides, they are slow they don’t turn up for matches but when they hit a goblin... hmmm... it makes you proud to be a fan to see one hit clean out of the stadium.
Rating 4/10.

9) Snotlings.
Mad, bad and dangerous to know. That is what you have to be to like watching them play ball. That is of course when they bother to play the ball. Built for destruction just like the Nurgling but unlike their counterparts they can often self destruct, allowing you to waltz in for numerous touchdowns. Not a team for the faint-hearted.
Rating 4/10.

10) Squig Herders.
Nuts, absolutely nuts. They have potential but never seem to show it. It’s said the worst job in Blood Bowl is cleaning the Squigs' teeth. I disagree, I’ve seen those teeth and I’m certain they’re never cleaned. Capable of retiring any team and capable of losing 6-0 - all dependent on pure luck. Not a team for the purists.
Rating 3/10.

11) Cheaters.
Two things about cheaters you must know: never play poker with them, and the ref is not their friend. If properly constructed early in ther career, cheaters teams can be quite effective. Lose the ball and chain, play dirty players and 'saws and when I say play dirty players I mean PLAY dirty. Nothing worse than a cheater team that doesn’t foul. Cheaters are most effective when they reduce the opposition by more than the referee reduces them.
Rating 5/10.

12) Gnomes.
Why they even bother is beyond me. Truly inept. They rely on bombs and a couple of half decent Blitzers. What often remains is a decimated team that can’t compete in any area. My advice is simple: if you’re a fan, go and watch skinks instead.
Rating 2/10.

When I first started to write out this series, I thought I could fit it all in one single article. How did I fool myself! It had to be divided into three parts. This one focuses on team building. The others will be a tactics article on how to use the players once you have them, and another piece on how to fine-tune the team and play for reaching high Team Rating, beating bashing teams and winning tourneys.

Upon deciding to become a Wood Elf coach, you get yourself a team with great opportunities. Wood Elves (WE) are a rather nice team to play since they are fairly easy to win games with. They also gain SPP very quickly, as they score a lot. However, you have also got yourself into playing one of the teams that lose most players to injuries and aging of all Blood Bowl teams. On top of it all, WE are expensive. You will need a lot of money to keep your roster from shrinking. A high Fan Factor is, in the long run, the single most important feature of your team. Start with nine, keep it high, and keep it rising.

There isn't that much room for choosing different team set-ups on a new WE team. There is cash for two re rolls and one of the following:

• 11 Linemen, FF8 and apothecary
• 10 Linemen, 1 Wardancer and FF8
• 9 Linemen, 2 Throwers and FF9
• 10 Linemen, 1 Thrower, FF9 and 20K cash

Other set-ups with less Fan Factor or a Treeman are not even worth mentioning. Of these four, I prefer the last one. When you have won your first game, buy the apothecary and then save up for the dancers. It is a good thing that the Linemen can get a skill or two before getting the dancers. That keeps a good balance in the team and you can lose a Lineman or two and replace them with Wardancers.

As you get lots of skills you will get a few very good players. Any ST4 player, AG5 Wardancer, AG5/Guard/Leaper or one-turner is a tremendous asset. These guys are also one of the most dangerous traps for a WE coach. If you are not very very careful when picking your skills, especially the doubles, you will end up with a rather useless WE team once the great player is lost. In some cases, it can take a whole generation of players to repair the damage and get the team working as a group again. This is avoidable by picking the right skills. There is a single sentence that comes to my mind when selecting skills for WE. Think: ”What skill do I need to pick the ball from a strong opponent if my key players are out?” Always think defence. The only exception to this rule is one or two Throwers.The Linemen, Catchers and Wardancers always have to be built to contribute to the defence. Never even consider such a skill as Nerves of Steel. Your offence will work anyway. What you need to be able to do is to get to the ball, strip it from your opponent and pick it up. You also need to be able to stop a passing game, either by taking out, covering and pass blocking the receivers or by harassing the opposition thrower - preferably both! So, what skills do you need? Let's look at the different players.

A Lineman without Block isn't much of a Blood Bowl player. Get him Block. One of them should get Kick too, perhaps even before he gets Block. The kicker is essential. When you get a blitz, you need to have the ball on the spot you picked, not the one Nuffle chose or somewhere off the pitch. Second skill for most linos is Tackle, and I usually pick one Dirty Player. On doubles, pick Mighty Blow if they have Tackle and Guard if they do not. As third skill it gets a little trickier. Don't expect to have three skills on that many linemen at the same time, they usually die off before that, but a few of them will get it, and some even a fourth once in a while. Pass Block is usually a nice one, so is Side Step and Diving Tackle. Don't go for Shadowing, you have faster guys for that, if you like the skill. Don't even bother thinking about Dodge. It works only on lower levels and versus the coaches that are not good enough to give you a good fight for the victory anyway. Good coaches have quite a few tacklers and you'd better pick the skills that are better for beating them. Save Leap for those that get AG5, two AG4 leapers is enough as it is.

The dancers are your winning machines. They are quick, they have Blodge and they can jump for starters. They might even be the best players on any FUMBBL roster. If you place your Wardancers well they can probably reach the ball on a running game. The first thing they need is a skill to get the ball from a dodgy ballcarrier. Give Tackle to one of them and Strip Ball to the other. As these guys are dodgers, Side Step might be a good second skill. On doubles, pick Guard or Jump Up. If one happens to get +AG, Guard is definitely the way to go. Jumping in to Guard anywhere you like and only fail on a roll of 1 is powerful. Pass Block is a nice skill on a dancer too, since Leap makes it ever so hard to stop him from reaching the receivers. But remember, unless you roll something really nice, Tackle or Strip Ball is your first pick. After that, choose with care to balance the rest of the team.

Catchers are very good at catching balls and scoring. However, you don't need Catchers to score, since Linemen do it well enough. Their great speed brings up the Team Strength a lot, so you need to find a way to make these guys useful. If you can't do that, don't buy them. One thing they are good at is scoring in extreme situations. They can do pushing one-turners if they have Sprint, and they are good when you need to score with only six or even fewer elves. That doesn't quite justify getting more than one of them, though. If you want to have several Catchers, you have to turn them into blitzers. With only ST2, they will need Diving Tackle or Dauntless to be really useful. Shadowing works too, but from my experience DT is better, especially if they get Tackle too. A Catcher with Diving Tackle or Dauntless can force an opponent to put his thrower a very long way back to keep him safe. A Catcher with Block, Side Step, Sprint and DT plus Tackle or Dauntless might even force the opponent to protect the thrower as far backfield as his own end zone. That way, Catchers can be of great use. They can even force passing teams to switch to running games. On the other hand, if the opposing team has tacklers they usually can't stand being put on the line and then their use diminishes quite a bit. On doubles, don't go for NoS, it's good for scoring. Guard and Dauntless are so much better. Remember, think defence.

Keep these guys picking throwing skills just as long as there are good throwing skills to pick. Accurate, Strong Arm on doubles and Safe Throw are priority one. Sure Hands and Sure Feet are good too, since they do a lot of pick-ups, sometimes in tackle zones and it's nice to be able to GFI into a shorter passing range. Block for safety later on. If you already have Sure Feet, Sprint is very nice. Once you get a thrower with extra movement, you will notice the wonderful benefits. But, as soon as you have a thrower you feel safe with, it's time to make him useful in defence too. Pass Block is a nice skill for that.

If you have one, he will need Block as soon as possible. Then Guard, Tackle and Multiple Block in any order desired. Double rolls are best used for Pro, Frenzy or Dodge. Why Dodge? Even though I don't think picking Dodge is a good idea on a Lineman, the tree might make good use of it. First, you really don't want him to fall over, but if he has to, wouldn't it be very nice if one of those precious tacklers of the opposing team would be used on the tree rather than your Side Stepping, Blodging Catchers or Wardancers?

Most people would say: ”If you get a stat increase, take it.” I don't quite agree. On a Catcher or a Thrower, take them all, always. On Linemen and Wardancers, I'd prefer the double to the +MA on a 5-5.

The guys with extraordinary stats will need some extraordinary thinking. Here are some good combinations I have had myself or seen on teams of other coaches.

• player with AG5, Leap and Guard.
  Happens from time to time on dancers, but it's when the linos get this you should consider yourself really lucky.
• Treeman with MA4.
  A tree can't have too much MA.
• Thrower with MA8/9.
  Makes passing much easier. More important than one can imagine.
• Catcher with MA10, Sprint and Sure Feet.
  The one-turner. Watch out so that he doesn't get too many SPPs and give him skills so that he can be used as blitzer on defence too, otherwise he will boost your Team Strength by a lot more than what he is worth.
• Wardancer with ST4/5.
  The superb cage breaker. Don't give him Mighty Blow, he will just age very soon.

Players such as these bring lots of quality to your team, and they sometimes win games all on their own. But since their armour is low and they attract lots of bashing from the opponents, they spend much of their time stunned, KO'd or injured. You will always have to live with that, and if you can to turn that into something good for you, you are much better off. Build your team and your players so that you can defend and score with your regular players. Then, when an opponent coach focuses on your stars, he will not destroy your game and the loss of the star doesn't interfere with the team building. Try to use them only when there is not a satisfactory way of reaching a good result with the rest of the team. Using them often leads to SPPs and they eventually lead to old age. Better letting the rest of the team develop to equally good players.

With such an extensive choice of hard hitting creatures to pick from, it's easy to create an Orc league team capable beating the hell out of every other race. Although a team consisting of 4 Black Orcs, 4 Blitzers, 2 Throwers, a Lineman, 2 Team Re-rolls and a FFof 5 might sound appealing for single games, creating a survivable league team will require a bit more finesse. Despite the Orcs' high armour value, a team with 11 players, low fan factor and no apothecary is usually the recipe for disaster. As the team progresses and begins to suffer casualties, you'll find your precious 'boyz' lining up with less than a full team. This makes it harder to win future games and having fewer players than your opponent means you're far more likely to take a beating and suffer further injuries.

For a long term squad, designed to hold its own in an old fashioned dust up and also be able to deal with the odd burial early in its claim to fame I'd recommend the following squad. The Bloodrock Clan started with:-

This team by no means suits every coach. However, given the strength of the starting line-up you should be able to build your FF by winning the majority of your first 10 matches. An apothecary is the first thing on the shopping list, as it should be with every team lacking one. These guys went unbeaten for their first 22 matches, so I'd say this is as good a line-up as you're ever likely to see.

The Orcish game plan against fast and agile teams such as Skaven and all forms of Elves is very simple. Your main effort during the first half should be geared towards maiming and injuring as many of the opposing players as possible by any means possible. Blitz, block, foul and even crowd push your team into a stronger second half position. The less players opposing your boyz late in the match the better! If you're recieving the kick, try not to score until the last possible moment. Turn 7 or 8 is the best. Hopefully by then the opponents dug out should be awash with the dead and dying remains of his once proud players.

If you lose the toss you have variations of the following two options:
a) Defend lightly, allowing your opponent to score in turn 2 or 3. With this in mind, your intention should be to pulverise opposing players that aren't directly linked to the play but allow the ball carrier to reach the endzone as early as possible, giving you the rest of the half (usually 5 or 6 turns) to score for a 1-1 half time scoreline. If all goes according to plan, you'll be left with the whole of the second half to grind down the pitch for an eighth turn touchdown and a 2-1 winning score. Remember to keep a Blitzer way back in the field as a crafty coach will see through your ploy and attempt to stall and run out the clock.
b) Defend like crazy and hopefully win back the ball. At first glance, this might seem like the proper thing to do - however, should things go awry in the final two turns and you're unable to prevent a touchdown, you're faced with going in at the interval 1-0 down without time to secure the equalising touchdown.

Against harder hitting teams such as Dwarfs, Chaos and to an extent Undead you better hope your blocking skills are up to date "coz dis wun gonna be a slug-fest!". If you recieve the ball, it's a case of killing them first. Usually a novice coach will set players up near the crowd. Although they aren't directly next to the sidelines, a few simple blitz and block combinations can see them getting jiggy with the fans in no time. Check out the GLN issue 4's report Let's go Crowdsurfing for details.

Adopt a strong cage and trundle casually down the weaker side of the pitch - its usually to difficult to break through the centre - for a late touchdown.

Kicking against Blood Bowl powerhouse races is a far more daunting prospect. I find lining up your entire team on the LoS and watching every player go down on turn one is a sure fire way of losing position and a touchdown. Minimise the players you place up front, remembering to deploy the rest of your team 2 squares back to counteract the quick snap kick off roll. Minimising the players that get knocked over in turn one means you're in a far stronger position to dictate the flow of the half and efficiently reorganise your defence for the crucial sacking of the ball carrier. When an opening presents itself, run a player in the opposing team's backfield. Even if you have no intention or no possibity of knocking over the ball carrier, this can sometimes frighten your opponent into weakening his defence by sending 2 players from his loose cage to deal with the new threat.

Blitzer
The Blitzer is the star player of the Orc lineup and will almost certainly be at the heart of most of your devious plays. I try to split my Blitzers into two categories: offensive and defensive. Defensively he will probably be your best box breaker and offensively he's without a doubt your most valuable asset. Guard is the sensible choice for his first skill but Mighty Blow will decrease the time it takes to get a second skill roll. Orc Blitzers also make exceptionally good "Strippers". Orc teams lacking Strip Ball and Tackle can and often do suffer humiliating defeats at the hands of "dem pansies in tights". I always try to train one or two of my Blitzers for the purpose of despatching annoying Wardancers and Witch Elves.
SKILLS: Guard, Mighty Blow and Strip Ball
DOUBLES: Stand Firm, Dodge

Thrower.
The Orc Thrower is the slowest ball handler in the game, therefore it's wise to protect him against opposing blitzers with either another Thrower or Blitzer in the back field. I always try to give my Throwers Block as a second or third skill. That way, once the throw has been made he can hang back as a last line of defence should you lose the ball.
SKILLS: Accurate and Block
DOUBLES: Strong Arm

Black Orc Blocker.
Having to rely on casualties for SPPs coupled with their low agility makes Black Orcs one of the game's slowest skill progressers. Block is the wise choice, but picking Mighty Blow as the first skill dramatically increases the speed the player gains SPPs.
SKILLS: Block and Mighty Blow
DOUBLES: Stand Firm and Frenzy

Linemen.
Linemen are the fodder of the Orc line-up. However, a few rudimentary skills and good field positioning can help tip the game in your favour! Give one of your Linemen Dirty Player as soon as possible and don't be afraid to use it. Kick is also a wise choice, becoming even more effective in the second half when your "ard as nails boyz" out-number the enemy.
SKILLS: Block and Tackle
DOUBLES: Guard and Mighty Blow

Remember - Always give attribute increases to your players!

Obviously the Orc teams main strength lies in holding onto the ball and beating the opposition into the turf. Despite this, they have a very competent if somewhat slow Thrower enabling them to copy "dem pansies in tights" should the need arise. The Blitzers are very good at what they do. The quartet of mean-looking Black Orcs, given time and the right selection of skills have the potential to rise to the top of their field. It's been said before that Orcs are a beginner's choice, which to an extent is true. They are probably the most error -forgiving race in the game. Don't be fooled though - when placed in the hands of a competant coach and given the right choice of core skills, they have the capacity and the ability to beat every other Blood Bowl race.

"The biggest unanswered question is: Where is the money?"

I'm sure you have all seen the PayPal donate button on the site. You may also have wondered how often people donate and how much donations have been accumulated over the year and a half that the donation button has been on the site.

FUMBBL runs on a server with a 1Mbit upstream connection to the Internet (which means that the server can send about 120 kilobytes of data per second to connected users). This connection costs around US$55 per month. The hardware that the site runs on has been purchased completely with donated money (roughly US$1200 in total).

At this point, the FUMBBL PayPal account holds around US$500, which would cover the running costs for the site (bandwidth costs) for roughly 9 months. This figure assumes that there will be no need for any more hardware upgrades/replacements and that the donations would completely stop right now. Neither of these assumptions are very likely though.

I usually don't force the donation issue too much, as people tend to donate enough to keep the site running without me having to push anyone into it. Back when FUMBBL started becoming popular and the old hardware that the server was running on couldn't cope with the traffic anymore, I asked the community for donations to get a new server. The response was enormous and I were quickly able to get a new machine. Knowing that so many appreciate the site enough to donate a whole load of money to keep the site running is truly heartwarming. This is also one of the reasons I don't like to stuff big banners in your face and force the donation issue on you. If I really need money for an essential hardware upgrade or some other reason, I know that all I need to do is to ask and a lot of you will come through.

Of course, I have played with the thought of how much money would be made available if every active coach would donate as little as US$10 every 6 months or so. That would quite easily allow me to switch to a high-end hosting company running the site on a quite powerful server. Naturally, a setup like that would cost quite alot and very likely be quite a bit of overkill. But oh, how fun it would be! :)

I was introduced to online Blood Bowl by a friend and found my way to FUMBBL via SkiJunkie's site, becoming a member in February 2002. Since this time, I have learned more about Blood Bowl than I have in all my 10 years of playing. I enjoyed learning new tactics, skill combinations and strategy. I did have a steep learning curve - learning about Wild Animal traps, team strength, et cetera - but quickly became proficient with online play and the new rules.

I became addicted to winning and rankings. I wanted to prove my superiority at Blood Bowl and set out to jump up in the rankings (the highest ranking I got was 17th) and become the "best" Canadian. I was obsessed with winning and I won my share of games. Often, I would go on ten-game-plus winning streaks. I became good at winning and looking for games.

I put my ranking and reputation on the line and entered FUMBBL Open and Div X Cup I Tourneys. I placed my Undead and Skaven team into a mix of teams with the Anarchists and other strong teams. I did very well in these tournaments, making the quarter- and semi-finals respectively. I had a blast, losing close games to good teams and coaches. I was proud how far my teams went, even under circumstances beyond my control.

I loved close games so much that I took my teams and went looking for games with stronger or more evenly matched teams. My winning streaks quickly stopped. I became frustrated with myself and my teams. Why was I losing? I took two weeks off to rest and deal with personal issues. My personal issues stopped, but my winning was not as consistent as before. I quickly realized my previous winning had nothing to do with skill or luck, but with my ability to pick a game. I was not in love with winning, but with the "thrill of the hunt". My winning streaks had more to do with finding vulnerable coaches, and finding games on my terms and on my time. I would lurk back and wait for coaches that just wanted to play and have fun and swoop in with a game for them I knew I could win.

I noticed when I played evenly matched teams, with evenly match rosters and on evenly matched terms, against evenly matched coaches, my scores would be 3-2 or 2-1 consistently. Unless a coach was out of favour with Nuffle, the games would be close. I would lose some, I would win some. I became more satisfied with my 2-1 wins and more satisfied with my close loses. I was also becoming a better coach and having more fun.

I noticed that in the rankings that some coaches with 200+ games had winning percentages of 80% and more. How could this be? If you are playing evenly matched teams, with evenly matched rosters and on evenly matched circumstances, you are NOT going to win 80% of your games. In fact, at best I could manage a 66% win percentage. What was going on in FUMBBL?

I confronted a few of these coaches about their winning percentages. I heard excuses like "I don't play bashy teams." "I don't play one turn teams." I also noticed that these coaches were good at finding games that looked even on paper, but used the ST and TR formulas to their advantage. Often these coaches came from Europe, but I won't go in that direction in this article. I played a few of these coaches and none of them did anything I never seen before. With a 75%+ win percentage, I became disappointed with the games and their mechanical approach. I envisioned these coaches as being the same types of people who used a Ranger with two long swords in AD&D 2nd edition (old school D&D reference for ya!).

If you are a coach with 200+ games and have a win percentage of 75%+, ask yourself this: "What role do I have in the FUMBBL community? What do I gain from picking games that are always in my favour to win? Am I a good coach or just good at finding games?"

I now look for games that I know I can win AND lose. I often take on matches with "bashy" teams (much to the displeasure of my high elves), I won't turn down a game because of a one turner and playing Halfling teams is a joke. I am more satisfied about my ranking and that it now truly reflects my skill and proficiency with the game, not at choosing a game. I am no longer infatuated with winning, but play the game I grew up playing and love for one reason: fun.

Greetings sports fans! It’s that time again to inform the masses, so we sent our horrible little reporters far and wide to get the points of view of the people in the know, the people with the fingers on the buttons (and possibly other places… but we’re sure that’s a different topic), the coaches!!! Today we’re looking at the age old problem: we’ve all seen them, they're big and they're mean, heros of the terraces, scourge of the front line, love them or hate them they seem here to stay… the BIG GUY!!!! Mighty giant of the field, or expensive mascot? Worth their weight in gold or should stick to making the half time tea and coffee? What’s your favourite Big Guy, and just how useful are they? Discuss.

Big Guys are basically overrated by all noobs, they are really good when they do as you want but a lot of the time you find yourself wanting to blitz that guy on the line and then your wild animal stand and roars...
I think we all know that feeling when we could just have made the blitz with another player but we waited for that high ST and the MB and maybe even the Frenzy. Big Guys are good but unreliable. That makes them a good blocker and meatshield but a bad blitzer.
My favourite Big Guy I think is the krox or the rat ogre. I always get a big guy if the team can but not from the beginning - they can be bought later when you have the positional players and the rerolls you want.
And what does it come to... Big Guys are like any player but expensive and unreliable. Don't overrate them but don't underestimate them either because used well they are awesome (that is if you have luck on your WA or stupid rolls).
InZanity

I hate Big Guys, I tend to roll one all the time anyway when I need them most, but they are too attractive, (i.e. ST), :)
Babyfleshgolem

Big Guys are my favourite type of player actually. Unreliable, but can accomplish so much with some luck. Old style wild animals were my favourite Big Guys, because they needed true skill to work well, and good use of them was rewarded well (unless you got unlucky but that goes for everything in Blood Bowl).
Best use of a Big Guy is as a high strength road-block with Guard. Just move him into the most inconvenient positions and make life hard for your opponent. Biggest benefit of it is that either your opponent needs to use more than usual resources in his turn to deal with the Big Guy, or ignore him which leaves you with a strong Mighty Blow player to tear apart enemy players.
Big Guys also make great cage players, and if the ball is free at the beginning of my turn with many players of both teams nearby, I usually move the Big Guy next to the ball first in my turn, just in case a turnover happens suddenly. At least then my opponent has to work for the ball.
AeoN2

A team depending on the Big Guy for its tactics isn't going to be a successful one. For that, they are all too unreliable. Nevertheless, sometimes the big guy can boost a team considerably. A perfect example is the Troll on the Orc team that doesn't only decimate the opponent now and then, but also gives hope of a one-turn TD when the need falls upon the coach. A Rat Ogre or a Treeman can both take away a dangerous block on a fragile Skaven or Wood Elf Lineman on defence and provide that extra BH that brings the FF up another step. If you can find such good use for your Big Guy he will be much more than a mascot. However, don't ever trust him; he will certainly let you down sooner or later...
roos

Personally, my favourite is the mighty oak. Pound for pound he is the toughest and least impaired Big Guy going IMHO, if he isn’t sleeping somewhere during the first half... then the only main disadvantage is getting up. But naturally with ST6 it is rather hard to get one down to begin with. Get the guy +MA and all of a sudden he no longer has this disadvantage.
Other than the aforementioned sleeping disorder and the "help, I have fallen and can’t get up" disorder. the inability to reroll is the only thing I fear with a Big Guy, so with any double I automatically take Pro for any Big Guy... unless it is a 12 roll (and 10 for trees). My dream Big Guy is a 4 8 1 10 Treeman with Block, Pro, and Multiple Block - the fun part would be watching the opponent's players run in fear! Right now my woodie team has a 4 6 1 10 Treeman with Block so I am almost half way there (grin)
Poweraxis

I think Big Guys can be fun but at times a bit too much. In Stunty League I think too many Big Guys and secret weapons exist causing them to be "mighty giant of the field" yet under the LRB 3.0 without Trophy Re-rolls and not sure how Leader Re-rolls are in place yet as I haven’t gotten Leader yet they can become an expensive mascot. In my personal opinion I think if you restricted the Big Guys from using General skills and allowing them access to Pro as a normal skill they'd be fun for both sides.
My favourite Big Guy depends on the type of team I'm playing. For instance, the Beast is much more effective against speed teams then any other Big Guy available, yet the Minotaur and Rat Ogre having access to physical traits make them very powerful against bashy teams as they can get Claw allowing them to break that heavy AV9 much more often. But besides Big Guys, I think Mummies are far better as they haven’t the need to roll for Bone Head, Really Stupid, or Wild Animal.
DaBoss

When you get over the new player rush of "Oooh I have a ST5 player" and start to block last with them as they can't reroll, they progress slowly and often end up as LOS fodder and distractions. But what a distraction, even without Block their size and MB skill makes them a constant worry to any opponent. So I rate them, but usually more for the psychology factor than actual usefulness.
Really Stupid Big Guys aren’t very useful in my opinion, as it takes a lot of work just to keep them active. Ogres and Kroxigors are more reliable and very handy, but for me look no further than the Minotaur for the best Big Guy. ST6 when blitzing, Frenzy, Thick Skull, access to mutations (Tentacles, Claw) are all great, but to me it's the "fear factor" a Mino brings. Everyone is afraid of Minos, and the underrated "auto-unstun for wild animals" makes them the best. Even Ogres and Krox stay stunned 1 in 6, and Really Stupid Big Guys often stay stunned 50% of the time if blocked away from their mates. Plus Minos look cool and are great for fluff. That alone is reason enough to love them.
PurpleChest

I usually treat my Big Guy as an expensive mascot, a handy-to-have ST5 tackle zone who can stand there looking rough and soak up assists and hits. All my Big Guy has to do - if I have one - is distract the opponent a bit. By no means do I find a Big Guy a must-have.
The important thing to remember about a Big Guy is that he is, and remains, a Big Guy, and can't use Team Re-rolls. Most of them have negative traits that make them further undesirable. As a result you can't use a Big Guy in any of your important plays, since the chances of him failing, or doing outright nothing, are too high.
I use Big Guys on Orc, Human, Chaos Dwarf and Norse teams (and Stunty Leeg teams, naturally). I would rather do without them with Chaos, Wood Elves or, back when they could use an Ogre, Dwarfs. I find the presence of a Big Guy on any of those teams practically useless. Having ST5 is less important due to the other strengths of those teams, and reliability is a much greater virtue. I'd rather have an extra Longbeard than a mobile tackle zone that is prone to turnovers and standing around looking stupid. I'd rather have another MA7 player with AG4 than a player who, despite being strong and extremely tough, doesn't show up half the time or if he does, falls on his arse and stays there for three turns before getting up again.
My favourite Big Guy is the Troll, and that is the only reason I take a Big Guy on the Orc team. A solid, strong team that can pull off a TTM when they're in trouble is the best thing ever conceived. Go Orcs!
Mezir

The Big Guy (or bigg'un for us oldies) has been a common sight on the touchlines since the inception of the game. The starting strength along with the ability to send a Mighty Blowed fist smashing into the face of the nearest terrified lineman has bought joy to the black hearts of many a coach. Unfortunately for some, the threat posed by the Big Guys has been gradually diminished over the years until the specimens we are presented with are mere shadows of their former glory. Most teams can now only take one Big Guy as opposed to two. Big Guys are sadly too stupid or too uncontrollable to gain access to their team's re-rolls and they may soon lose their access to General skills which will surely limit their killer potential when on the field. Under the old rules my personal favourite Big Guy had to be the Rat Ogre. The 6 blocks allowed with their Frenzy could easily send players flying off the field into the stands to be ripped apart by those Dark Elf fans (not the nicest way to go), their agility of 3 with a re-roll allowed them to move the ball like no other Big Guy and mutations along with cumulative armour/injury modifiers reduced many teams to a squishy pulp (this pulp being the material that this fine publication is manufactured from). There has been no scarier sight on the Blood Bowl field than a Mighty Blow, Claw, Razor Sharp Claw, Piling On, Frenzy, Block Rat Ogre blitzing across the field intent on destruction. Since the Big Guys we are currently allowed are reduced in power from their older counterparts I’d look no further than the Beast of Nurgle. The Beast is a nightmare opponent for any coach to face, with its grasping Tentacles which few players can hope to escape from, its access to hideous (and dangerous) mutations, its ability to restrict passing plays due to its less than appealing looks and its Undead-like ability to raise warriors from the grave to serve you. The Beast is a force to be reckoned with. The Beast should be a key player on all teams allowed to take it since it allows the possibility of tying up running teams' skilled players (tie up a reasonably-skilled Wardancer for the game and it has paid its cost back). The reluctance of coaches to get their players too close to the Beast can also be a valuable factor in protecting the ballcarrier. Essentially, the Beast allows another element to the game which can easily swing the balance in your favour.
Inquisitorpustus

When facing the inevitable question of whether or not to acquire a Big Guy on to your team, one needs not only ask will he inflict a lot of casualties, but rather, how many turnovers will he cause? On the other hand, they are an asset by providing certain teams a more "bashy" element, while on the other hand they are the main cause of turnovers for many fresh teams, due to the lack of rerolls for them.
So, we all know the facts, but why do we need them, some of us even like them. I, for example, have grown to love my Rat Ogre, Mickey, not only because of his Wild Animalism (which is, by the way, far superior to the loathed Bone Headism) but because he has personality, if pixels can have that sort of thing and he is truly evil. In my last game he killed a Mummy and a Wight. And surprisingly they didn't regenerate! That kind of behaviour lights up my day and although I lost the game, Mickey made it worth playing.
The other one of my tactics is to choose for Big Guys skills that normal people wouldn't choose - Pass Block, for example. It never ceases to amaze opponents when they make their first pass and you pass block with your Kroxigor. It usually ends up doing nothing, but it's the thought that matters.
Big Guys differ from the usual lineman/blitzer/thrower etc by being, yes, BIG. Large men have always had a place in our legends and in our myths and today we still love to see big men play basketball. We love everything huge, super size meals and all that. It's in our blood.
And even if Big Guys are a liability, they are at the same time a necessity. And though the most important fact of all has eluded many, it still remains as it was in the beginning of Blood Bowl: "If Big Guys weren't fun, they wouldn't have been introduced to our beloved Blood Bowl."
MrMojo

The Grotty Little Newspaper's intrepid reporter Goallie11 went out into the wilds of the FUMBBL badlands to collect questions to ask everyone's least favourite admin: Grumbledook. Uncle Grum is known far and wide to be an expert on any and all topics you could ever think of, and many more you couldn't. His favourite topic is his own glorious magnificence... and who could argue with him on that? But we shall now allow Goallie11 to respectfully set up the questions so that Uncle Grum can knock them over...

This one is from Homer-Simpson:
"What's your favorite BB team and why?"

Any that are coached by me. Why? Because they are better than the others.

One from Borderline:
"Dear Grum, what has been your happiest moment as a FUMBBL admin so far?"

Generally, the happiest times are when no one comes in to bother me. Or if someone actually wants help, they reply to the questions you ask rather than wittering on with useless stuff you don't need to know. The guys who don't argue about things either are cool, nothing worse than the whining types we get in who seem to think that it's wrong for us to punish them for breaking the rules.

From Amon242:
"How much beer do you drink?"

In money amounts or in liquid amounts? This question is as bad as those who come into the admin room, ignore the topic saying state your problem and just sit there shouting, "I have a problem" "hello!?! Anyone there?!" Can't respond very well to vague questioning, unless you want a vague answer. Much like this one.

Slick wants to know:
"Why are Nurgling the best Stunty team?"

Because they are the first team that I will delete on my way to deleting the whole Stunty Leeg division should I get a chance.

banana_fish900 asks:
"How come when you take a bite out of an apple and leave it out, it turns brown?"

When I bite an apple, it doesn't. However, I shall be nice and inform you that when you do it, apples turn brown when iron-containing chemicals inside apple cells react with oxygen in the air.

If you want to offer up questions to be answered by Uncle Grum in the next issues of the GLN, send them via a PM to m0nty.

This is the inaugural gallery of Blood Bowl miniatures. The following are submissions of real painted miniatures painted by real FUMBBL coaches - not entries in a computer database! The following minis are all entered into a competition which ends in the next issue of GLN (#6), excepting, of course, minis painted by FUMBBL admins like Christer. The winner of the competition will earn the right to heal one permanent injury on a player on one of his teams (not including death, of course!).

An editorial? The Grotty Little Newspaper never had an editorial! Correct, that, but, since reading issue one I felt it should have one. I never got around to talk to Cusi about that though, and now, I can't anymore. Cusi added me as an editor mid December, and I assume I would have been part of the GLN staff way earlier, if I wouldn't have had to spent time mostly without an internet connection. Now Cusi is gone, and I can't ask him anymore. But the GLN remains, his most visible contribution to FUMBBL, his project, his child. Continuing it means change, as I can only guess where he would have wanted to take it. This Editorial is part of that change. Continuing the GLN also meant silence, getting a machinery going again that had come to a complete halt.

I know Cusi had planned to publish a valentine edition of the GLN, and I had started writing texts with that in mind - valentine day passed, and only afterwards we got to know why there was no word from him. So we had to start over again, from scratch, and this time without any guiding hand of the person that was the GLN. There are so many things I'd like to have discussed with him, ideas for articles, themes, features - and above that I would have needed his experience.

In the end now, though, I think we managed to get an issue of the GLN together that he would have approved of, that he would like. And I am happy to see the project going on, and continuing, not only for FUMBBL, for your enjoyment, but also in his memory. We have an interview with SkiJunkie this issue, the continuation of the gobbo's tale that started in issue 3, and more, for you to discover. There are no obituaries this issue, but that spot has not gone vacant.

However, to keep GLN alive I need help. A lot people helped out with this issue already, but there never was a time where I felt that things were going smooth. This is a call out to anyone that would like to write to just sit down, right now, and start writing. Anything that moves your heart in respect to FUMBBL or Blood Bowl. A short story, like those by Candlejack or Gorritakid, or a commentary like Darkwolf's. No deadline. No continous obligation. Just write and contact us once you are finished. It just is that simple, without articles no GLN, without GLN, a bit of Cusi fades and FUMBBL becomes such a more dull place. Help us, to keep this going on, continously - I hope for an issue a month, and feel free to present ideas to us in the #FUMBBL_GLN channel. It is open for all, and everyone is welcome.

Naturally, if you have read this far you will notice that what is written above is somewhat pretentious given the fact it took month and month, and then a bit to even get a crippled version of the GLN out. You are dead right. At the time I wrote this editorial I was very certain that the paper was about to get done. I wasn't and learned another oh so obvious lesson - don't write editorials just to make something incomplete look a slight bit more complete. I still think that some of these articles are among the best in GLN history - if just there had been more of this quality. I hope you enjoy this issue,
Mnemon
Secondary Editor

PS: We also need help with graphics!

---

Afterword

More then a year has passed now, since the last issue of the GLN - the project had its flares and as can be seen above even some hopeful hours, in the end though, it is glaringly obvious that I couldn't maintain Cusi's devotion to the paper - neither for myself or for those helping with editing, writing and coming up with ideas. I will hand over the GLN to Bunnypuncher as head editor now, in the hope that he is more successful, and more determined then I was - however, I am certain, that he, too will need the assistance of the community - it is your paper, and without contributions from the community it is bound to fail, no matter who is at the steering wheel. So help if you can - in the memory of Cusi, for a project that shouldn't fail.

And with that, all I can say that I am sorry for not managing this better. This issue of course has issues and gaps and editing faults - but it is about time to be released regardless. Some of the articles might be out of date, others aren't - it is not the author's fault if something is not quite the truth no longer.

I still hope you enjoy this only half-way finished issue regardless,
-Mnemon

Woken by the sun,
And the dust
Tickling my nose
That dreadful morning.

Get up and stare at the screen,
Utter the words that turn
A day into
Silent mourning.

"Cusi is dead",
not just a spirit,
a presence, gone,
still touching us
over that cliff
of a dreadful morning.

Get ready for FUMBBL SMACK! FUMBBL's Ranked Division is getting a new regular recurring tournament . FUMBBL SMACK will host instant tournaments where high powered (Team Strength 200+) teams can compete for glory. For full rules see the FUMBBL SMACK group. Vote in the FUMBBL SMACK Start Time Poll.

Text to come.

Where to contribute

Those wishing to contribute to the advertising sections of the Grotty Little Newspaper (GLN) should post in the appropriate section within the correctly dated GLN forum. These are regularly checked by the editors. If your forum contribution is erased, it was probably used and is safely tucked into the correct area of the GLN.

For those wishing to contribute an article to the GLN please go to the IRC channel #FUMBBL_GLN and speak to m0nty or anyone willing to listen :) about it.

House style for the GLN

Articles in the Grotty Little Newspaper, like any publication, have a set of house styles which mean that certain elements appear in a consistent style across the whole issue. Specifically, please conform to the following rules:

• FUMBBL is spelt in all capitals... NOT Fumbbl.
• Blood Bowl is spelt as two words, both capitalised... NOT Bloodbowl or Blood bowl.
• Races and positions are capitalised when they are referred to individually, so for instance you would talk about an Orc Blitzer, not an orc blitzer.
• Skill names are also capitalised. Note that both Dump-Off and Throw Team-Mate have a hyphen, but Side Step and Bone Head do not.
• Coach names are referred to as they appear on their coach pages so that, for example, m0nty is not capitalised but Christer is.
• Be careful with apostrophes. Do not use them when talking about plurals, like SPPs.
• Question-and-answer (Q&A) interviews are normally done with the questions being preceded by GLN:, not the author's name. Carriage returns (i.e. a blank line) are inserted between the Qs and As. Stage directions (when you are describing something that is happening, not being said) are put after the speech in a new line, in italics. There are no quote marks around the speech sections.

The Grotty Little Newspaper would like to thank the everyone on the GLN team this issue:

Apothecary
InkRose