Joined: Oct 10, 2018
May 24, 2022 - 13:07
Ok forks!! While the playoffs are underway now is our time to look at the Sucker Cup, Osbbl’s cup competition that pits old foes together in a gnarly winner takes all Knock out competition.
I, the mascara snake one time session clarinet player in Silky’s band have Ernesto of Banda Sada de Magratti the player who died in last years final and whose tortured soul has spent the season commentating with me. Let us have a look at the squad's Ernesto.
1)Larry Vaughans love Spawn, These fish have been floating in the Osbbl for seemingly ever and haven’t so much as threatened a flipper on any of the silverware. Whoever faces this squad can expect blood and probably a safe passage into the second round. The one to watch though is the indomitable Mrs Taft she is lighting on the pitch.
2)Macdonald's farm[/b] this squad come to us from Sliky’s christmas beatdown and have been running in the Dawgz competition an unconventional entry route to the Sucker cup but there is speculation that Silkys gambling debts are the reason they are running this year and he is nowhere to be seen. They won the beatdown and will look to cause problems. Quarterfinals or Semi’s at least for the Albion. Hamburger Jr will be the one to watch.
3)Cheese eating blender Monkees, Everyone wants to see a repeat of classic Mullets gone past with the Blender Monkees taking on the Love Spawn. Who ever faces this squad will be nervous the all time CAS champions and still the holders of the Osbbl blender the Osbbl glitterati (not just the Glam Crabs-ed) will be looking to avoid the Moulder although in terms of win rate they never seem to quite get there they certainly leave a mess on the paddock. We all love Snuggles, Cuddles and Nibbles but do we love smooches?
4)The Glam Crabs Talking of loving Smooches the Glam crabs ripped into this league this year and straight into the heart of the Osbbl fans. Everyone knew with the musical vacuum left by the ambient (Is ernesto on something-ed) subaquatic beats of nautican legends Trout Mask Replica. Luckily this vacuum was filled by the spandex and glitter of the Glam Crabs who picked up the Osbbl awards of most disturbing fan following which is quite a feat in this league. They had a middling opening season and missed out on the play offs. The squad will need to focus less on the after match (and during match-ed) theatrics if they are to truly to reach their potential. Though Sydney Windwhisper was all the talk of the preseason it is Glamina Crayons with their bizarre feats and artistic flair that has stolen the limelight. Will they get it together to make the finals well like a wise person once said “And it was at that precise moment where he remembered an ancient eskimo legend wherein it is written, on whatever it is that they write it on up there”.
5)Da dirty Zoggers, The team that left the most corpses on the pitch but unfortunately they were theirs! This squad came through a solid season to fall at the first hurdle of the playoffs. They have a simple game plan and execute it precisely, their hobnails pounding the bodies on the ground. Some pudit have said though they are not a proper HobGoblin side with them being out fouled by most other teams around them. They dare to score and run with the ball and even pass now and again. They will threaten the cup and I for one could see them in the finals ,winning it doubtful. Fast Eddy is there HobGoblin on the go and the one
6)Aldrei Slaaa, Unbeaten in the season and the only blemish on near perfection was the tie with Da Dirty Zoggers. This squad are looking to cruise into the Sword final and several debauched parties have been arranged if Slaanesh can continue to bless this squad. Can they do a double well? We have never seen it but it is not to be put past this band of misfits. What is their secret? Well whatever it is Aldrei Slaaa is keeping it hush yet all appendages point to Aldrei, it scores it maims it cooks it cleans if the rumors are to be believed run is what this pundit says.
7)The Scruffs Hideously beastly this lot were like watching mold spread which probably pleased Poppa Scruff. They took to the pitch in seamless waves of pustules and this saw them swarm into the semi finals and nearly take out the match against the Kings. They are a difficult squad to navigate around and will have a firm eye (or three or four) on the glittering prize. Pappa Scruff is the player that demands attention though his post match interviews are a difficult watch.
DSR B team The Dirty Stinking Rats are back! They say they are a b team now but do not believe their hype. In this humble pundits opinion (humble have you read the drivel you have been spouting-ed) this team is the most complete package in the competition they boost the accolade of being the only team to win the Mullet twice and all odds are on them playing against the Cheese eating Blender Monkees for the fifth time in their history. Rash like is the term banded around when we talk about this squad they are lighting with a soft shell. If they keep the big players together they should sneak into the semis before being splattered. Tayuya II is a scary prospect on the field. Let's hope nobody gets to him first.
9)The Mourkain Kings, the Kings stumbled into the Wilkinson Sword final and the chatter amongst the Ghoultras has been that lynchpin Vârcolac is past it and his awful temper has been showing randomly beheading ball carriers and looking vague in his performance has the big man seen the light (Vamps don’t like that-ed) and realised that if he doesn’t get product endorsement soon he is destined to walk the pitch for ever. His efforts in seizing the Sword way back in season 3 are all but distant memories, in the all time classic final against the Gaen Von griffons, for the Ghoultras and they have never had the Sucker could this season on their return be the chance to get the double? Well we will see. Rising star Costache Paler this season Rampant Shag award receiver is the one to watch and purists will be hoping Vârcolac doesn’t kill Paler too early in the competition.
10) Stabbings, for the past few seasons Silky has been allowing non-league teams into the Sucker cup. These plucky squads never usually make an impact on the cup competition but who would know the Stabbing look like they have enough to get to the pointy end of the competition (I see what you did there-ed). The Kainite Assassins have a rich history as a team to watch out for and you have to go all the way back to season one and Gamma Knife to see a successful team. A banana skin is the title we will give to this squad. “Scant” Applebum shadow blade of renown is the name being bandied around the taverns as the one too watch even if it is too watch after dark in back alleys.
11) Punishing Wounders,People beasts and even our Osbbl Scholars all but erased from history the amazing efforts of this Troll team last season. Tirelessly written off by every pundit and nobleman in the deserted Isle we just could not see this squad coming up with the riches. Alas they did and are the holders of the Sucker cup. This band of unlikely Troll goblins and Snotlings have wowed the Osbbl press and continue to impress. Apparently there coach has a strict regime with the trolls and instead of the usual tedious training sessions feeds the beasts up on rotten turnips this inturn (oh god I see where this is going-ed) gives them hideously trapped wind that keeps them alert on the pitch the coach was quoted saying “Feed a Troll turnips and he will alway turn up.” Regardless the bookies do not see the Wounders getting through the star studded lineup this year to go two in a row and this pundit will be on a diet of turnips if it happens. Though with Tad on their roster they have the sneakiest git in the league.
12)Pirates of the Antipodes, Osbbl has been plagued by all sorts of pirates for seasons now ever since the mercenaries of the Darkwing turned up. They always come in with the same pomp and bluster. The Pirates of the Antipodes though seem cut from a different gib and having a solid season then in the all pirate quarter final cut past the Rum Rebellion. Captain Crook is looking to seize the sword and no doubt will have an eye on the Sucker. Personally I do not see a double in this squad but they should go deep into the Sucker cup. Van Daemon led the way in the quarter final and the skeleton crew behind her showed no mercy on the loving pirates; it will be up to her to front up if the Pirates are going to manage to make an impact.
13)Cardiac Arresters, The Demons of Mallal had a middling season and caused a number of headaches. An early season push for the playoffs spluttered out and Mallal and maybe it was Malice itself to give such hope. They are a difficult team to play against (let alone look at-ed) and whoever they get in the first round will not have an easy task on their hands. So many players too watch but the Donation Collector will be looking for his pound of flesh.
14)Rum rebellion, These pirates just keep on hanging in there. We like to think of them as ever the Osbbl bridesmaids, pretty distractions to the main event. The Rebellion like a drink and came to Osbbl seeking pastures new for endorsements, their bar tabs running stale in other lands. They are definitely going to navigate past the first round and will worry some of the squads. Kraken Black is the best Corsair out there.
15)Hobby Whippy, What is better than a Hobgoblin side? Well a Hobgoblin side whipped into servitude (all jest a side Osbbl takes these matters very seriously-ed). These rookie slaves took the league by light rain this season with a handful of decent result almost seeing them rise to the top of the crop. Alas they couldn’t make the pointy end of the competition but I am sure they will return with their pointy ends. The Sucker cup they would be the darkest of dark horses but let's think even the Wounders have taken the title before let us not write them off.
16)Albion Lions Another Albion side this touring bunch of veterans turned up to the Osbbl with the promise of a new and better style of Blood bowl and this has seen them travel all the way to the Mullet final. A one eyed Ninja fling coach claimed them to be the best counter attacking side to exist and this perhaps preempted the return of the Dirty Stinking Rats oh what a glorious match up that would be. Anyway they have lost a few touring veterans along the way but they certainly know how to entertain. Personally we loved Merv the swerve but he is now of the team list but we only really have eyes for Finn Russel. Put a gilda on them to make the semis.
Why thank you Ernesto this is probably the most concise reporting we have seen since I was hired. What can I say? It is a true pleasure to work with you and we now look forward to getting the animated soul of the last death in the Sucker cup to do our punditry for next season.
What is coming up for the Osbbl though. Well at some point my builder tournament Silky’s secret smack will be afoot with a warning Smack is so addictive it can break up the family unit. Season 9 of Osbbl the last season of this lunar calendar so I am told will happen and more frivolous frivolity and who knows? Will the Trout Mask replica return? Will the Gaen Von Griffons grace the leagues, Banda Sada de Magratti coming back. More crazy musical references may appear. To be honest none of us know Forks so put on your best simmock hop on the Osbbl train and don’t get off till your throw up.
Yours The Mascara Snake, One time ….. (you know the rest).