Joined: Nov 18, 2021
Jul 12, 2022 - 16:12
Hello four pronged cutlery!
It is I Verner Hishog filling in for the Mascara Snake while they have a gig as session clarinettist for Mind Eno. I hear they are recording music for seaports. In any event I beg you all to bear with me while I try to fill the great snake's cavernous skin. I have been trying to eat very big hamburgers. In fact I have just eaten one. My stomach feels a little upset.
Speaking of upsets, this seasons' Sucker Cup had more upsets than my tummy after that time I ate my own shoe on stage. Da Dirty Zoggers got their boots into the almost undefeated Aeldari Slaa. Everyone's favourite mullet hunting nice mice The Blender Monkees made it all the way to the semis after slashing their way through last season's OSBBL quarter finalists the bootlegging Rum Rebellion. But to top it off, in a first for the Sucker Cup, a wild card rookie team, Stabbings, was able to hoist the... (errrr what do you call it again in English, the plumber's poo thingy... ahh that is a sucker) the sucker over the mighty Mourkain Kings.
What a final! It seemed it could go either way until the final moments. However, the very sunny weather seems to have put the Kings off their game. In my experience Strigoi aren't very fond of the sun. I remember when I was doing a documentary on these often misunderstood beasts one told me it would eat my face if I didn't close the blinds. Oh I love them. I love them very much, but I love them against my better judgement.... Anyway this weather. This... sunnnnnny weather, maybe this might explain the outcome of the match... Or maybe 570 000 gold coins in inducements for stabbings?
The start of the match was as bloody as my grandfather after preparing squig sweetmeats. Within the opening minutes of the game veteran ghoul Ioan Mihaili was shanked to death by rookie shadow blade Absolom! Absolum! It seemed like this might be the beginning of his journey to gain wealth and becoming a powerful family patriarch ... until he was seriously injured moments later by a miffed Varcolac. But in a crowd stopping moment The King of Kings himself was fouled into the KO box by the plucky neophyte Korbyn. One could have heard the slow workings of a chicken's immeasurably moronic mind. They really are very stupid.
Things were looking bleak for the Kings. Sensing a moment for theatrics, guest star for Stabbings Helmet Wulf started swinging his saw around. However he seemed more interested in revving up the crowd than his chainsaw and failed to remove any of the Kings. Taking advantage of the distraction the King's snuck past the Stabbers and made a break for the northside of the pitch. For a moment it seemed they were unstoppable. However a well timed fireball from Stabbings' side line took down the ball carrier (superstar Costache Paler) and almost all of his loose cage. The assassins swarmed the ball from among the fallen bodies and handed it off to the legendary Eldril Sidewinder who legged it for the endzone. Mustering considerable willpower (much like that needed to deal with Claws Kinky's ridiculous rider requests) Veteran ghoul Constance Pili and sweeper Domitru Dobre chased down Eldril. But Nuffle smiled on Eldril and decided that one dodge for Domitru was one too many. The Goultra's didn't think there was anything 'dobre' about that. Facing a single ghoul and supported by several stabbers Eldril was able to walk the touchdown in the closing moments of the half.
A lesser team may have stopped trying at that point, but like that wealthy child trying to sell a cheeto in the shape of everyone's favourite Game of Gnomes character, Tyrone Bannister .... for $400 on seabay .... errr where was I .... ah yes..... The Kings cannot give up. And for a while it seemed Nuffle may have had a change from the bottom of their ineffably deep and twisted heart. A cool breeze blew and scattered cloud covered the sun. With this refreshing shade a balm for the soul, if Strigoi have souls ... I'll have to ask Claws... Varcolac recovered from his torpor and returned to the field giving the Kings a full side once again.
With both teams having equal numbers on the pitch the Goultras had a glimmer of hope that their beloved Kings would be able to sink their teeth into the upstart stabbers. Like a very big hamburger. A big juicy one with beetroot. But again moments into the first half The Stabbers were able to get the numbers advantage. They knocked out a zombie and that cheeky little... miscreant.. Korbyn fouled veteran ghoul sweeper Dom Petrescu to death. It was very funny. Like when your old uncle falls down and breaks his hip. Oh.... sorry I have to stop for a moment. The memories are delicious... hoooo...... ermm yes.... The Kings getting stabbed.
Yes they were down on numbers again, The Kings. Things were not looking good. But nonetheless they pushed on with a strongly aggressive defence. The Kings were able to get four assisted blitzes on Stabbings' ball carriers. Two of them successful. Constance Pili was even able to retrieve the ball within scoring range for the King's but tripped while dodging away into open space. A theme that was repeated when Varcolac attempted to blitz shadowblade Scant Applebum. The King of Kings tripped when putting on the extra speed needed to make the last meter to his prey.... and ended up in the KO box.. again. Applebum then legged it out of range of every member of the kings. With the coming defeat Moarte roared in anger and sent a neophyte into the casualty box and then stormed off the field.
So for a score of 2 - 0 it was a much closer match than you might expect. How very exciting! Like shiny black latex and a poorly tuned mandolin.
So that's it for the time being. I will return shortly with an introduction to the teams for season 9 of the OSBBL. I will try to clean the latex and loosen the mandolin if you feel the vibe of what it is I am saying to you... The Mascara Snake also asked me to say something to you before I sign off. I can't remember but something again about cutlery. What is it with you.. you antipodeans and cutlery? You're very strange people you know that.