Joined: Oct 10, 2018
Jan 19, 2023 - 08:27
Tis I people the Mascara Snake back from my tour of Amorica and I have seen the future. In this, the tenth season of Osbbl I am taking charge finally tis time to admit Silky is long gone, who was he anyway, some bulbous nurgling with a penchant for yodelling? His smooth face may have launched this precious vessel but now I am firmly at the rudder. Henceforth with much pomp and ceremony, I can announce I am the new duke of Osbbl the undisputed title holder the keys to the subaqua love machine.
Hence my first announcement is that appointed as my chief consultant is the fruit of my loin Hector Euclid Fondant, as all of you will know from the gutter press and paparazzi Hector has been mute since his mother was devoured in a post-natal feeding frenzy. This said (or not or unsaid or thought or mused) his wistful staring into the middle distance and heady diet of the secret leagues finest athletes battling out over the last 10 seasons make him my perfect vessel for a unilateral artistic direction.
So what do we have in store? Well, the first stroke of my quill is just to hand complete creative control of all our media to the unrefuted codpiece of the league. Verner Hishog has been reporting for a number of seasons and with me having to clear Silky’s debts and admin, we will hand all official Osbbl witterings over to the decedent news hound. We feel the story of the league is within safe yet sweaty hands with Hishog. Though he is the official codpiece we do encourage all aspiring news hounds to pipe up with their own handwritten side eyes on the league.
The season will commence in an orderly fashion with a tentacle Smack (stop cowering Hector). Get your fresh meat in. Teams of 111111 or less are all allowed to enter. Quick and fun is the name of the game.
Then season 10 will commence with the date for starting 3rd of February in earth timings.
Having trooped across the Amorica I witnessed the beauty of the college Bowl season a spectacle so fine we just could not get over it, such opportunities for marketing so a Bowl will be added to the playoff season this will be between two teams that are selected by me and my chief consultant the idea being to bring you the best matches we would like to see there will be no discussion on the pairings for this the will be decreed and that is final.
Truly forks I am honoured to have a firm grasp of the rudder here and promise a stunning run in seasons 10 and 11.
Oh and you Osbbl people watch out apparently the me that walks the mortal coil is planning an Osbbl Unplugged event this year. Who knows he is maybe just crazy enough to pull it off.
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
Feb 27, 2023 - 12:13
Hello there gentlewomen and men! I am your unexpected host Davide’ Picker, annoying stand in for the stars. I regret that we are unable to bring you this week's programming of Cabalvision’s OSBBL Season X commentary.
According to reports from his agent, Crag Rogalski, Herr Hishog has been detained while filming two documentaries in Lustria and a bill paying romantic comedy about a man and his teddy… gross….ehem… It is not clear what exactly Herr Hishog has done but he seems to have incurred the wrath of the authorities. We do not know why, but he seems to have been detained for some reason … maybe he has been held up in customs… or held in quarantine… or the morality police. With Herr Hishog it’s anyone's guess really.
In any case, according to Crag, Herr Hishog has been searching out the secrets of the ancient origins of Nuffles Sacred Sport. He has been seeking out answers deep in the forests of ‘The Ringwood’ and searching for the legendary (and possible mythical) Halls of Crushing Gold.
Will he have found some new insights into the ancients? Or just some tropical diseases? Hopefully in the next week or two we will find out.
In the meanwhile though, please do enjoy our usual broadcast of the OSBBL games. The season is off to a cracking start! Although it is early in the season new teams appear to be dominating.
The Kingston flyers have beaten the Ginger Thunder in the Wild Hunters Conference and are in the lead there. Carter Relos their runner appears unstoppable at this stage of the season. Who knows, he could very well be our rampant shagger! Especially if any of Brian the Blessed’s pheromone oil rubbed off on him in match one of the season.
In the Ginger Thunder Conference, after a shock win over the legendary Mourkain Kings, Dead Rubber winners Davioli BBC are currently in the lead. I never would have thought it after their lackluster performance in the Festive Beatdown and the Secret Smack, but Davioli BBC really seem to have done some soul searching and come back with a vengeance for their first proper season of OSBBL! Filipo Orsini is really racking up those touchdowns! Looks like Carter might have some competition.
Well, that’s it for the time being folks, and at pain of castration, I am contractually obliged to remind you to eat your Scurf Flakes and that Alex Siri is the future.
Love, your temporary host,
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
Mar 27, 2023 - 13:46
Hello cutlery! I the caterwauling Kraut, your host, Verner Hishog, am back with another season of blood, balls, sweat and …. general mayhem.
Following sold out tours of Amorica for his collaboration with Brain Eno ‘On Sand’ The Mascara Snake has returned. Finally, the act has been dropped. The scales… or the crester mask… fallen from our eyes ... The Mascara Snake has revealed that he is one of those few people able to bridge the chasm between commerce and the sublime. The Commissioner is dead! Long live the Commissioner!
But back to my nugatory observations.. After a detour in a Lustrian prison for obscenity (for space frogs those Slann priests really have no sense of humour) …. I am finally here to articulate the dreams and aspirations, or perhaps the base vileness, that OSBBL season X offers us.
As is the cruel and unusual tradition in the OSBBL I am here with the tortured soul of former rookie Nurgling of The Scurfs, Spotty Scurf. I’m not sure what the origin of this strange ritual is… who knows why we do anything? One might imagine that Nuffle is but a figment of the imagination of a 63 year old man from Albion in another time and alternative universe…. and this is all just some sort of weird game where we are but imaginary puppets … I sometimes have dreams like that… where was I… oh yes Spotty Scurf. What a pleasure to have you with us. What was it like being part of the first team to win both the Wilkinson Swert and the Sucker Cup back to back?
It was truly an honour Verner! And only possible with the vitamins N1 and N2 that a daily bowl of Scurf Flakes (™) provides!
Yes, well, thanks for that insightful comment Spotty. Do you have anything you would like to say to Wayne of the Punishing Wounders after he kicked your head in during the closing moments of the match?
With the strength in his legs he really must have had his Scurf Flakes (™) available in all good merchant’s caravans!
You really don’t let up do you Spotty?
Well, Werner I guess it’s all the stamina from eating three bowls of ….
Yes, yes, that’s enough thankyou Spotty.
But you know what I can’t get enough of? Before you open your mouth Spotty it is not Scurf Flakes it is the Wydrioth Wild Hunters Conference.
Cheeze Eating Blender Monkeez
What can I say, the Nice Mice have returned stronger than ever and with an interesting new strategy! What possibilities does this season have in store? A new Blender record? The playoffs? A mullet? The Chum Bucket? Anything is possible with this new set of confused and mutated rodents.
Old Corp appears to have engaged Throt the Unclean’s engineers to help with their disappearing… well red mist is close to disappearing… skave slave problem. The solution? Throtlings. I have it on good authority that they cost far less to feed and breed than the skaves. With these savings everyone’s favourite rogers may no longer have to worry about running out of team mates to masticate!
With all this extra protein, team captain Snuggles could certainly be in line for The Moby Dick this season! It might also help with his ball handling skills, as in the first game of the season he scored his second career touchdown! Quite the achievement for someone so preoccupied with hugging people to death.
Losing their first two games things are not looking quite the best for the Nice Mice this season. But with throtling meat powered rogres the Nice Mice could still squeak into the play-offs!
These oily dwarfs have been a fan favourite since they joined the circuit last season. What’s not to love. Gryrating hips, oleaginous thighs, and striking biceps. In their OSBBL debut last season these vigorous specimens finished first in their conference only to be knocked out in the quarterfinals of play-offs by last season’s champions The Scurfs.
Well, Verner, I guess they hadn’t had their Scurf Flakes (™)
Thank you for sharing your insight there Spotty, but I do not believe anyone asked you. Fan favourite Brian the Blessed is back this season, and this almost rampant shagger’s endzone volutions are sure to be popular with the fans. If you had asked me while I was still in Lustria what I thought The Thunder’s chances were this season, I would have said they would definitely make the play-offs. But the first three rounds have not been kind to them… in much the same way my first and second grade teacher was unkind to me.. I’m not sure why… I remember he said only perverts add serifs to the letters in their names like that…maybe he was right but what does it mean to be perverted?
Going without breakfast when you could have a delicious and nutritious bowl of scurf flakes!
*deep sigh* Next we have the DSR team B. These dirty stinking rats are a stalwart of the competition. They appear to have undertaken some vigorous training in the off-season or so it would seem. Or maybe they finally got their dirty stinking claws on Rascall’s secret formula? Currently undefeated, having won their first two games of the season and drawn their third, the DSR might make it to the semi-finals again. Having already played and defeated their arch-rivals the Cheese Eaters, and escaping relatively unscathed, I can see real potential for the DSR this season!
DSR fan favourite Tayuya II gave a strong performance last season. With that speed, those sure feet, and his two charming heads he is a contender for the rampant shagger!
You know what a surefire way to get mutations like those is? Scurf Flakes (™)!
I’m not going to encourage you any further Spotty. It would be like telling a public masturbator to have some modesty … or telling a libertarian that adopting progressive taxation systems improve economic efficiency.
The Bloodlust Brigade
Fresh blood for OSBBL…. or maybe these dyspeptic demons will spill old blood? For various turnpike rage incidents these crabby convicts were transported to the southern wastes for the natural terms of their lives. Their time in the penal colony did nothing to improve their tempers… I can only imagine… it must be like living in that moment… you the one when you reach for the toilet paper after defecating only to realise there is only one sheet left on the roll.
The rumour goes that the avaricious guards at the prison operated a racket forcing the prisoners to play blood bowl. After years of this on pitch exploitation one afternoon, Kitava, a brute of a man, was complimented by one of the opposing players who had the temerity to suggest that his haircut looked nice. Kitava imagined the compliment was a slight. Enraged Kitava ripped the player’s ponytail (scalp and all) from his head and then beat him and the rest of the opposition to death with it. The guards tried to intervene but Kitava was not to be stopped. He and his team-mates killed the guards. Not content to simply escape, Kitava stormed the warden’s office and killed him by thrusting the congealed blood soaked ponytail down his throat. Pleased with the spectacle, Khorne bestowed great strength to Kitava and three of his most brutal team mates. The remaining convicts, followed in awe as The Bloodlust Brigade strode roaring out of the prison.
Well Spotty, Kitava is a contender for the Moby Dick award if ever I saw one. They have had a decent start but with their penchant for overwhelming and collective murder I don’t think the Blood Brigade will take the Swert, but they may take the blender! I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw an increase in the number of blutwurst food wagons on the circuit this year.
I would Werner, who would buy blutwurst when you can get a box of Scurf Flakes (™) for only two copper pieces!?!
Personally I prefer Khorne Flakes. There is nothing like a bit of enervation to get the creative juices flowing. Just ask Klaws Kinky. But speaking of snacks let’s move on to our next team.
Another new team seeking glory… or chicken… as the case might be.
I wouldn’t usually debase myself to read out something from a team’s publicist but this is just too good.
‘In a southeast region of the Chaos Wastes known as Quantuckee, was once found the tribe known as the Zinger Krushers. The tribe were devout in their worship of Tchar (Tzeentch), however engaged in an ongoing war with the neighbouring Golden Arches Tribe (led by a fearsome white-faced, red-haired daemon named McKhornald). The war was not going well, with the Zinger Krushers losing ground, lives, and worst of all, market share.
In desperation, Cluckin’ Bell – the tribe’s shaman – adorned his traditional red and white striped robes and ceremonial bucket hat, and walked alone into the Wastes, hoping to curry favour with Tchar. He sacrificed the last of the tribe’s food – a scrawny chicken – in a fire, pleading for their salvation. As he waited, he repeatedly struck a tambourine with a drumstick, while chanting the sacred litany of secret herbs & spices over and over. As the chicken charred in the coals, his empty stomach grumbled in protest, yet nothing happened. At last, the shaman could resist temptation no longer, gave into his weakness and bit into the scorched carcass, in the process burning and blistering his tongue.
At once, the winds of change howled, cerulean flames flared up, a tremendous thunderclap sounded across the Wastes and the smoke coiled into the form of a dread visage. The shaman cowered in fear and, not knowing what to say, quaveringly offered the tribe’s traditional greeting of “Hello Sir/Madam, welcome to Quantuckee, how may I help you?”. Tchar’s avatar began to speak, however to his horror, Cluckin’ Bell realised that he had been deafened by the clap and could hear nothing except the beating of his own black heart.
Long moments passed, and the smoke continued to speak as the shaman cringed, too terrified to voice that he could hear nothing. The smoke’s long-winded (and frankly boring) monologue at last ended with the threat “Blasphemer, never again dare to offend your god with any more of these paltry foul nuggets!”. Unfortunately the shaman’s hearing only partially cleared at the last, to hear the words “Any more of these poultry fowl nuggets?”. With that the winds blew the dissipating smoke into his face, leaving the shaman staring in confusion, his tongue burning, and tears streaming from his eyes.
Cluckin’ Bell returned to the Zinger Crushers camp where he tried to explain what had happened with his tender, blistered tongue. The tribe were bewildered by his watery expression and his ridiculous mispronunciation of ‘C’s and ‘S’s (which came out as ‘Tc’s and ‘Ts’s). However, believing him to have been touched by divinity, the tribe decided to rebrand and were reborn as the Tcharcoal_Tchickens (T_T for short). They abandoned their camp and the war against McKhornald, discarded their traditional red and white stripes for blue and red flames, their bucket hats for rooster combed helmets, and adopted the mangled communication style as their own.
The Tchickens then began travelling to seek out various chicken products to sacrifice in the name of Tchar. Upon each discovery, they would celebrate with a chicken dance, emitting rooster calls, clucking sounds, and other gibberings that could only be daemonic in origin. A worthy scholar once tried to decipher these ramblings, however could only make out a phrase that sounded like “finger lickin’ good”. This ridiculous uttering clearly makes no sense and only provides further evidence of the tribes’ warped descent into utter madness and depravity.
Tchar, amused at the tribe’s inane and pointless obsession, “rewarded” the unworthy shaman by changing him into the being now known as Turduckenax the Enigma. He has died many times over as punishment for offending his god; yet however many times he dies, he is reborn again – as a phoenix rises from the ashes, a nugget is reconstituted from offcuts and roadkill, or a bout of reflux recurs after a particularly greasy meal.
Blood Bowl provided the Tchickens with the perfect vessel and cover for their objective, allowing them to travel throughout the Old World, where they can undertake their insane poultry obsession. To this day, the Tchickens seek glory on the Blood Bowl field, to fulfil their pointless quest of earning moar monies in order to purchase and sacrifice chicken products to their avian god…’
What an epic Spotty!
Not as epic as Scurf Flake (™) crumbed chicken though Verner!
Well Spotty, that depends on how comfortable you are with the skin you are in. There are many strong players in this team but I can see the Bantam Menace starting a saga. Not the strongest start so far, but their win in the fourth round could mean they have a new hope. With the number of draws in this conference they could make the play-offs with two draws and a win!
Speaking of mullets, this team of trendy twenty something half-orcs is sporting more of them than a fish-mongers ice chests! After they won this season’s tentacle smack, I’m really excited to see how this team comports themselves in the big league. While their style may be the toast of their tribe, they harbour a dark secret. They really formed in search of a way to win the money to fund their addiction to an esoteric boardgame set in the future where a stagnant and dogmatic human civilization is beset on all sides by hostile aliens and supernatural creatures. This pass-time requires extensive investment in rulebooks, paints, small dolls, and other expensive paraphernalia. Really, who would waste their time on this make believe rubbish!? Well… I guess anyone who would come to one of my plays…. Apropo to plays, this team is known for its dirty play. Eye gouging, girl-friend stealing, whining when the dice don’t go their way in their doll game. Despite all their dirty tactics, the season has not gotten off to a good start. Seems like Half-cool might be a Mullet contender.
On their way to Mullet glory, I see Dr. Love collecting more than a few scalps along the way. A relatively new player to the team, he caught the crowds eye after smashing Master Engineer Max Gode into early retirement. I see more smashing on the cards for Dr. Love.
‘I like smashing Scurf Flakes (™) between two pieces of bread to have a nurglicious sandwich!’
Ok Spotty…well..next up
The Kingston Flyers
After almost a century of neglect, the Kingston Flyer has been brought back to its former glory… on the sacred gridiron! This group of amateur engineers’ hearts were broken after attempt after attempt to restore the Flyer met failure. Finally, after they realised there was no commercially viable use for the Flyer as a passenger vehicle, the team’s former Master Engineer Max Gode had a bright idea. What are people willing to shell out inordinate amounts of money for? Blood Bowl! So the team converted the Flyer to delight all those with desire to relive the simpler days of the past… and those that like to see people squished when they’re down!
The Flyers are off to a great start in their first season of OSBBL. Who would have thought that members of a historical appreciation society would have such a knack for violence! With their natural aptitude I can see these historiographers making it all the way to the finals! Can they get their hands on the coveted Wilkinson Sword? If Carter Relos has anything to do with it I’d say they can! Quick as a speeding locomotive and with the reflexes of a steel trap, we have another runner in the race for the Rampant Shagger!
‘Verner, my advice to Carter would be to eat some Scurf Flakes (™). Imagine how hard he would be to stop if he grew another head!’.
Although we will all miss The Glam and Aeldari-Slaa pre and after match parties, never fear! There is another group of hedonists on the fixture ready to fill the moist throbbing hole left by our old favourite Slaaneshi teams. The All-Elite formed after leaving the WWE (Witch World Entertainment). I hear that there was a disagreement between the WWE promoters and the All-Elite about what was considered appropriate on-stage theatrics. After a particularly depraved performance (I hear it involved rainbow martchenkos, spatchcocks, a pinata and a merkin made of live worms) The Perfect Prince was so enraptured they shared a transmutational secret with lead wrestler Abadon.
After, being shut down for obscenity, these wrestling witches have decided to turn their hands…. or claws as the case may be, to blood bowl. I’m really not sure how this team will go in their first season, their star ‘Abandon’ has moves that are quite exquisite, but their performance on the pitch so far has been somewhat lacklustre… it’s been like watching internationally renowned gymnast Simona Boils sing karaoke out of tune…. Especially in their match against the DSR… If they can muster from deep within themselves some of the professionalism and inspiration they dedicate to their theatrical…. sorry… deeply serious and unscripted combat sport… for their blood bowl then they could do well. But for the time being it looks to me they will miss the play-offs.
Geez Verner, you know what’s a surefire cure for singing out of tune? Scurf Flakes (™)! Maybe Simona Boils should consider an endorsement?
Do you ever stop Spotty? Don’t answer that. Thank you folks, I’ll be back with you shortly after this message from our sponsors.
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
Apr 03, 2023 - 11:45
Hello folks, I’m OSBBL Moby Dick winner Scabby Scurf, blocker for the Wilkinson Sword and Sucker Cup winning Scurfs.
I’m here, to share an important message from our owners Killhogs.
Have you ever had the urge to self-pollute? I know I have.
I can remember days of worrying that I would suffer from general disability, consumption-like symptoms, premature and defective development, sudden changes in disposition, lassitude, sleeplessness, failure of mental capacity, fickleness, untrustworthiness, love of solitude, bashfulness, unnatural boldness, mock piety, being easily frightened, confusion of ideas, aversion to girls in boys but a decided liking of boys in girls, round shoulders, weak back and stiffness of joints, paralysis of the lower extremities, unnatural gait, bad posture in bed, lack of breast development in females, capricious appetite, fondness for unnatural or hurtful or irritation articles (such as salt, pepper, spices, vinegar, mustard, clay, slate pencils, plaster, and chalk), disgust at simple food, use of tobacco, unnatural paleness, acne or pimples, biting of fingernails, shifty eyes, moist cold hands, palpitation of the heart, hysteria in females, chlorosis or green sickness (anemia), epileptic fits, bed-wetting, and use of obscene words and phrases.
But then I found Scurf Flakes (™). With a bowl of Scurf Flakes (™) each morning, I have no fear of any of these ills! Or even the urge to self-pollute. The Scurf Flakes fill me with all of the pollution from Papa Nurgle I could ever need.
Don’t just take it from me, why don’t you ask famous actor Pol Ribbons?
Thanks Scabby, I used to feel the need to self pollute multiple times a day. Sometimes I would even self-pollute in the theatre. But now that I’ve started eating Scurf Flakes (™) everyday I couldn’t self-pollute if I wanted to. My hands have turned into claws!
Isn’t that great folks? Now here’s a happy tune to help you remember to buy those Scurf Flakes (™) next time you’re at the local fair!
La la la-la la la,
Sing a happy song.
La la la-la la la,
Scurf the whole day long
La la la-la la la
Scurf along with me!
La la la-la la la
Simple as can be!
Next time you're feeling blue just let a smile begin!
Happy things will come to you so scurf yourself a grin!
La la la-la la la,
Now you know the tune!
La la la-la la la
You'll be mutating soon!
Joined: Nov 18, 2021
Apr 17, 2023 - 14:37
Hello my dear viewers and welcome back to our coverage of season X of OSBBL. I am still your host Verner Hishog, and Spotty Scurf is still an incredible piece of product placement.
Speaking of, in the off-season our 'generous' sponsors Killhogs have funded a new award: The Scurf Flakes (™) Mini-Blender. The award commemorates the team with the most casualties in the normal season. Anyway, let’s start with the first losers for the The Scurf Flakes (™) Mini-Blender. With 22 Casualties each, Udder Chaos and Bet it All (a late substitution) take equal second place. My dear Spotty Scurf would you now do us the honour of accepting the inaugural Scurf Flakes (™) Mini-Blender on behalf of The Scurfs? With a respectable 25 Casualties The Scurfs are the winners of the season 9 Scurf Flakes (™) Mini-Blender. Here you go now. Oh how about that, it looks like it's just big enough for you to fit in! Did you want to see if you can?
Sure thing Verner! I love a good bit of Scurf Flakes (™) merchandise!
In you go Spotty.
*high pitched whirring sound*
Ummmm, Verner, need I remind you that a blender doesn’t work on me? I am a disembodied spirit … or maybe the power of Scurf Flakes (™) has just made me blender proof!
Oh well... It was worth a try. To distract you my dear cutlery from that disappointment I have the pleasure of introducing to you the teams of the Ginger Thunder! Conference.
Anaxagoras’ Diaper Service
I must say I am not quite sure what to make of this team. Are they a joke? Or is this just the logical conclusion of feudalism?
The leader of this team is Anaxagoras the Incomprehensible. So named because his magic ‘tricks’ do not appear to be in any shape or form magical. That is until the day he made an offhand joke about wishing that nappies weren't the only thing he could change. At that very moment time the winds of the warp were strong. And when he gave a theatrical flick of his wrist, The Wind Lord heard him. Suddenly the aristocratic toddlers, nurses and Anaxagoras found themselves changed. Mysteriously now the only things they could find themselves wanting to do were: play their unique style of blood bowl, perform transmutations, and change diapers.
This group of wet nurses and spoilt toddlers are not what you would ordinarily expect to see on the blood bowl pitch. Surprisingly so far they are undefeated. I’m not sure how long that will last though. I suspect this team could be a mullet contender.
Damn this group of heretics. I wouldn’t waste a single Scurf Flake (™) on their self righteous hides.
Ok then… next we have Diavoli BBC
This storied team joins us from the old world. After leaving the CBBA under scandalous circumstances this team and its mysterious coach Remo Chiappa are gracing the OSBBL.
The Mascara Snake extended a personal invitation to the Diavoli to join the OSBBL. As a team that knows no limits to what is acceptable on the pitch, he recruited them to contribute to the performance art that is the OSBBL.
After the hiatus caused by their ejection from the CBBA it was a rough start for Diavoli. Their first games in the festive beatdown and sucker cup were often brutal and one sided affairs. After being plagued by injury and death in these first few games however Diavoli have come back with a vengeance and are currently undefeated!
The team has brought with it a number of storied players from the CBBA. Fan favourites include Benito ‘Pug’ Triscari, Luca ‘Lucky’ Barsotti and Zita ‘Banjo’ Pisciotta.
In particular I look forward to seeing Pug’s on field antics. After a career terrorising players and referees on the field, and from the sidelines after he was banned for the fingergate incident, in the CBBA Pug has returned to the field.This sneaky and brutal halfling, will fit in perfectly in the unpredictable chaos that is the OSBBL. It is almost like Pug's unsportsmanlike conduct is a reflection of the raw and primal nature of the league. They say that past behavior is the best indicator of future behaviour and if that is the case I can see Pug as a contender for the Orange Roughy this season.
With back to back wins this season, Diavoli will certainly be in the playoffs, but do they have what it takes to hold the Swert above the heads of their opponents?
Yes, Yes, something something Scurf Flakes. Next!
The Mourkain Kings
Ah, The Kings, this certainly has to be one of my favourite teams in the league. There is something about these dour cave dwellers and their devotion to blood bowl that I find really fascinating. Their single minded dedication to the sport and feeding their legendary captain Varcolac is so intense that I am confused about whether I should feel admiration or disgust… I am drawn to it but know that I should not be… in much the same way that one feels the urge to urinate in the shower… such vulgar relaxation…
Anyway, this team of OSBBL royalty is lead by the legendary Varcolac and Costach Paler. Their skills on the field are a marvel to behold… but what is this marvel that we find so fascinating? This chase? After a ball…. stained with the blood of your opponents in the relentless pursuit of victory… even at the cost of your own safety.. or sanity?
Costache Paler, a strong contender for this season’s rampant shagger, with his lightning-fast speed and unmatched agility, moves across the field like a creature possessed, driven by a primal urge to score. And Varcolac, with his razor-sharp claws and powerful blows, embodies the ferocity and brutality of the game itself.
But behind the intense magnetism one feels when watching the spectacle of Costache Paler and Varcolac run away and maim… respectively…Varcolac does the maiming…Costache the running… there is something deeper at play. Watching this pair reminds me that Blood Bowl is a reflection of our own primal instincts, our own desire to compete and emerge victorious. It is a reminder of the darkness that lies within us all - the urge to dominate and conquer, to spill the blood of our enemies, hear the lamentation of their women and emerge victorious…. But the deeper question is why? So that we can have golden trinkets and fornicate with whom we want? Or so that we can urinate in the shower without shame? In the end, Costache Paler and Varcolac are not just players on a field - they are reflections of our own innermost desires. And in their pursuit of victory, they remind us of the raw power that lies within us all. Except for you Spotty you’re a useless bag of disease ridden excrement.
Absolutely Verner! And I couldn’t have done it without Scurf Flakes(™)!
Yes well back to The Kings. This team is hard to keep down, even after the loss of star blitzer Moarte they have kept the wins coming. With only one loss so far this season I can see them making playoffs.
This group of Zombies is better known for their ability to get the floor moving. These moribund musicians are best known as the first band to develop the dance Macabre and then further innovating to resurrect it into the 2 4 hit the floor beat that so many of our undead viewers love to this day.
However, there is a problem with such dances, being too many skeletons just don’t get back up. Head Necromancer Sandy Nelskull enjoyed the lucrative gate from filling dance halls up and down the deadlands realised he needed to flesh out the act. Hence he hired retired heavy metal seamstress Twisted Tracy to stitch fleshy corpses together.
So The Flesh are now… how do they say it… ‘breaking it down’?... on the Astrogranite. These zombies have a certain resilience on the field that cannot be denied. They can take a beating and still continue to perform. With their musical and dance talents, and predisposition for dirty play, The Flesh have been filling out stadiums across The Antipodes. In particular Keef Cowboy’s body popping routine is a hit with the fans, if not the refs. If Keef can keep up this spasmodic, injurious hop, he might just take the Orange Roughy. But that depends also on the refs. They do seem to keep a close eye on Keef. I guess that is the draw back being a hip-hop dancing star.
At this stage, much to the disappointment of the fans, I don’t think The Flesh can make it to the playoffs. But with the OSBBL being the unpredictable and chaotic league that it is, one cannot say for certain. Perhaps a rogue wave will sweep through the arenas, or maybe a rogue referee will make a questionable call banning entire teams.
Nonetheless Grandmaster Flesh and their haunting and unsettling brand of gyrating street blood bowl serve as a reminder of the nihilistic and morbid nature of the human condition. We are all just dancing corpses… caught up in the rhythms of life and death… seeking distraction… and entertainment from the inevitability of our own… our own decay.
I get my decay from Scurf Flakes(™) Verner!
Hanging with the Hung
Ah, yes. Hanging With The Hung, or The Hang as they are sometimes called, a blood bowl team like no other. I don’t believe any other Hung have graced the OSBBL. The Hung nomads, are a fascinating and dangerous group of people. They ride tough little ponies bred for survival… and…uhhhh… comfort… in the harshest of climes. These people live in the saddle, and some are even conceived there.
I must say that there is something beguiling about this team. The smell of The Hung is as ancient as the Earth itself, a primordial odor that lingers long after they have departed. It's the smell of raw masculinity, of sweat, of blood, of ponies, of vast open spaces, of a life lived without the constraints of pre-industrial feudalism. It's the smell of a people who have remained unchanged for centuries, and in that sense, it's a smell that fills me with both awe and trepidation.
From what I understand it was in the midst of a brutal snowstorm that "Hanging With The Hung" came to be. A man known only as "Getou", stumbled upon the tribe after his horse died in the middle of nowhere. At first, the tribe was wary of Getou, but he won them over with his impressive feats of strength and a willingness to eat any food they offered him.
Getou soon learned that the ponderous march of what we naively call civilisation, and the stone walls and fortifications that we use to create an illusion of distance between us and the harsh reality of our own base animal needs, had rendered the Hung’s only source of income, raiding, obsolete. The tribe was in dire need of a new source of income. Getou suggested they form a blood bowl team to compete in the OSBBL.
After some initial difficulties registering in the feeder leagues (most league official’s can’t stand to be in the same room with a Tong or Marauder) The Hang qualified for the OSBBL. There were some mishaps along the way, Slip of the Tong bit off a referee's ear, and I hear that once the Marauders left the pitch to get into a brawl with the crowd (someone heckled them about the tribe’s lost tackle). But overall, the team has developed a passable level of skill for the game.
And so, the legend of these hardy people continues to live on. Who knows what earthy and sensuous adventures await them next in the rarified yet confusingly pleasant stickiness that is the hedonic treadmill of the OSBBL. Whatever it is, it does seem like they are out of contention for the play-offs this year but they may avoid the Mullet if veteran darksoul Smiley keeps working on his wrackling game.
Well, Scurf Flakes (™) worked wonders for Scabby Scurf’s tackling game. Smiley should consider getting his daily bowl!
Speaking of snark I will restrain myself this time Spotty. The Snark Men are a relatively new team having come out of this season’s Secret Smack. Rumours about their origins abound, but most have a common thread - a bunch of pirates drinking in an alehouse.
As is usual with groups of outlaws soaked with inhibition’s bane progressively bigger boasts and bigger bets about which captain could make the strongest BloodBowl team ensued. It was then that a priest of Stromfel came forward and in exchange for almost certain death he offered plunder, ship, men and most importantly glory. And like so many, who waste their entire lives in the mindless pursuit of status only to find one day that they have ignored and lost everything truly important to them, one captain was far too drunk on the accolades of his peers to understand the true cost of glory.
But glory might be kinder to these salty sea-dogs than one might have expected… you know that as recently as 300 years ago sharks were referred to as sea dogs… what a fascinating thing language is… fluid like and changeable like a 14 year old boy’s personality around a girl that he fancies… where was I…oh yes.. The price of glory… Despite the horror of being snacked upon by landsharks, so far only 4 Snark Men have died on the pitch. What happens in the locker room is another matter.
The team’s star player is Mako, currently leading the league’s casualty count, this hulking Selachii might well turn into a white whale and take this season’s Moby Dick. If Mako keeps chomping the opposition, instead of his own players, The Snark may have a chance at making it to playoffs.
Maybe The Snark Men should snack on Scurf Flakes (™) instead of their teammates Verner?
Ride the Bull
According to a tale that I heard while trekking through the dusty expanses of the Southern Wastes, 'Ride the Bull' was once just a group of squigpokes. They would spend their days herding squig and avoiding the hooves and horns of doombulls. To whittle away what ennui they could from their grey and monotonous existence in the barren wastes, they would try to impress potential paramours with daring stunts and impressive rope work.
One day a talent scout for the OSBBL came to town searching for new blood bowl talent. When he saw the cowboys of 'Ride the Bull' in action, he knew he had found what he was looking for. He offered The Bulls a chance to leave their dusty town behind and join the league in the big smoke. The Bulls jumped at the opportunity, eager to trade in their lassos for footballs.
This team for me embodies an intersection of the class relations to which we must all submit to in the context of society… and even sport…. I must submit Spotty to pay for my art, although it is a pleasure to work for The Mascara Snake… if not for some of our… generous sponsors… you yourself spotty submitted to Nurgle in the hope of a stable wage making Scurf Flakes… and now ‘Ride the Bull’ are putting their lives on the line enslaved in the pursuit of the hope of money and glory…. in the only way open to them as uneducated beastmen living in the hostile wilderness.
Well Verner, I can assure you that the Scurf Flakes (™) are humanely produced and factory staff are fully staffed with Killhogs unionised labour.
Wydrioth Wild Hunters
Ah, another story of hope, these Athel Loriens are no longer a rookie team. Having come first in their division they defeated former champs Aeldari Slaa to make it to the final battle for the swert only to suffer a crushing defeat at the hands of the Scurfs. It was a horrible game to watch Spotty. It was like reliving my days as a student in a house share with Claws. Some of the things that man does to himself for ‘pleasure’ make even an open minded hedonist like me squirm with discomfort.
But not to be deterred by all the death, to our good fortune the Wild Hunters are back again to raise money for their beloved glo worms.
This season is not going quite as well for them as last season but they can still make it to playoffs if they can pull out some of the skill they showed last season. Emerging Star naiad Dyrrwyd is back and as handsome as ever. Surprisingly though she hasn’t been scoring much this season, but I guess as an animal rights activist she is the charitable kind that doesn’t mind sharing the love.
Before you open your mouth again, that’s all we have time for today Spotty. We will return to give the awards… like an absent parent that brings toys to their emotional starved children… and a recap of the playoffs.
Speaking of emotionally starved children, I’m off to a debauched party… the vague and unsubstantiated promise of fleeting solace in intimacy with complete strangers… the final destination for all children that don’t receive the love they need in their youth. Yes indeed! The Blackwater’s mid season soiree should be good! The Mascara Snake, ever the erudite, if esoteric, entrepreneur has arranged for Brain Eno to come with chattering skulls to fill the void left behind by The Glam. Tickets are still on sale for all of you plebeians.
But if you cannot make it, I guess you will have to do with the knowledge that I send my deep love to all of you. My dear inconsequential cutlery, sequestered in your constrictive drawers of economic necessity and social obligation…