“The most well earned MVP in the history of Bloodbowl!!!

While the stat line may say 0 turns, let me tell you just how integral Stretch was to the Bizarre Bazaar advancing past the first round of the GLT. It's beyond comprehensible just how much he does... we will try to list it here:

He does the laundry.
He home-schools all of Gertrude's bastard children.
He grocery shops.
He cooks.
He does the dishes.
Toilet clogged!?!... Stretch is your man.
He installed licker's dishwasher (don't let that lying douchebag tell you he did it himself...)
He's the team botanist.
He's the team cobbler.
He BAKES cobbler.
I think we're gonna need a casket if we can find the corpse of Lil' Hot Miss... and Stretch is already on the muthafocka, Jules.
There are those that believe Lil' Hot Miss is actually faking her own death, but never fear - Stretch has his Private Investigator license.
... and have you seen him?... he can put his own foot in his mouth.
He changes diapers.
He can find you a job.
He turns a sandwich into a banquet.
He told the ref before the game that unless he allowed us to foul at least 6 times, he would eat his children and mutilate his wife's face (and look who got to foul 7 times this game?! :)
He's everyone's favorite bridge partner.
He can fix your PowerPoint presentation.... ON THE FLY.
MacGyver was based on Stretch's life before Bloodbowl.
He's a certified electrician.
He can knit.
He's taking out the trash for me right now... what a guy!
If you look closely... REALLY CLOSELY at Martha Stewart... it's Stretch.
He did John Smith's piercings.
He's no Van Gogh, but he can draw.
He did the team logo.
He helped me spell the damn team name correctly after I hosed it up twice.
Ron Popeil owes his ingenuity to Stretch's zen meditation techniques.
He can find lost socks.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of stuff... but just look at his stats. 20 games. 1 completion. Only this single MVP. He deserves more. The legend of Stretch will only grow now with this recognition. Stretch would like to thank all the little people that made this MVP of his possible. We will list them here:

His mother.
His father.
His sister.
His priest.
Ron Popeil.
His nephews, Evan and Jack.
His cousins Craig and Ramone.
John Smith.
Satan.
His children.
His ex-wife.
The Wicked Witch of the West.
Maribelle.
Frank.
Tom.
Jim.
Sue.
Engelbert Humperdinck.
Inigo Montoya.
Jackie Gleason.
His Great Aunt Sophie.
Martha Stewart (gotta keep up the rouse ;)
Dale Earnhardt Sr.
Ayline Gonsalves.
Cookie Monster.
Christer.
Joseph Heller.
President George W. Bush.
Charles Manson.
Abraham.
The guy in the Sham-Wow informercials.
Greggy.
Cuddy.
Dogbowl.
Nelson Mandela.
Dennis Rodman.
and last but not least, you. The fans. The fans of Stretch that implored Starshade to boot him in the face on T16 knowing that it would light the fire of humanity and good sportsmanship in Starshade's heart, in order to finally allow Stretch to GET the recognition that he so greatly deserves for putting countless others before himself in his daily life. Forever and ever. Glory be to the contortionist. Amen.

lizvis is going to say he didn't read the whole goddamn thing, but I guarantee you he did. He's that obsessed with Stretch.


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