“Terrible match performance from the coaching staff. As that's just me and the one assistant, it's obviously all his fault. I've stuck him in a player's uniform and bought a new assistant, or I may have, it's hard to tell under those helmets.

Anyway, Treemen in the wrong place, Leif and Clive stopping to feed at inopportune moments, and the team in general faffing about trying all these new ideas the last game bought up. The Orcs gave us enough chances, fluffed passes in the day's bright sunshine (Hah! take that creatures of darkness!) to left and right, partly open ball, with some assistance from blitzing treemen, just lying around waiting to be picked up, and did we? No. When we did have it, off their kicks (surprisingly tricky to reach all the time) we casually exposed our ball carriers by getting hemmed in too tightly and refusing the rushed hurl. Vast coaching attention (RRs) required on the two big blockers left the wee ones confused about all sorts. Only one boy went flying all day, and when he got back up again it was only to fall over his own feet. Clearly not suited.

Most shameful part, young Frozen Shoulder, having an excellent game bringing down their blitzers, I screamed at him to hit their ball carrier Xuk RIP from the right, when he needed to be on the left to avoid the bigger Orc. Once he realised, the Orcs took his feet out from under him and the game was all but over, everyone else out of position for what was a very risky play at best. Ah well, lesson learned, when in doubt, the throwers need ammunition for that all-important cannonball play. Leaden helmets, you see.

Perhaps that's why they all run so slow? No, more likely all the pies. It's the roundness makes them so aerodynamic, you know.”