“Match Highlights:

First half opens with a flurry of POMBing from the norse team, so the gobbos put the boot in to the players on the ground – unfortunately they seem to have replaced their usual hobnails with something much softer for this match, and the norse men stubbornly refuse to get injured no matter how many gobbos are stamping on their faces – their coach explains his players are far too manly to even notice the half dozen greenskinned feet attempting remedial dental work, which probably means they are all too drunk to feel it.

The ground is shocked into near silence by the unexpected sight of a successful norse passing play that gives blitzer Adalgrim Took an opportunity to walk in an early TD, but this blitzer had definitely been at the brews before the match and staggers in the wrong direction (he coach claims he was just deliberately stalling, but it looked more like debilitatedly stumbling) giving Linerat Arg’garagh and gobbo Devia-natses the opportunity to put him down and free up the ball. The inebriated Norgasm team reclaim the ball and spend the next few turns staggering around and trying desperately to walk in a straight line towards the U-dog endzone. With the end of the half imminent the ballcarrier, Herbert Half Hand, decides, in his drunken state, to hand off the ball to team mate Limbless Luke who is standing in the endzone, Limbless Luke promptly vomits vigorously all over Half Hand, ball and several surrounding team mates and the ball goes to ground, half time whistle blows and the scores stay at 0-0.

The Norsgasm team coach clearly delivered some sobering words at half time and his team come out onto the field with a far more focussed, and heavily caffeinated, air. An early blitz combined with horrendous handling in the U-dog backfield practically gifts the ball to the norsemen deep in U-dog territory. A few more rounds of strategic POMBing and ineffectual U-dog fouling leaves just 4 U-dog players on the pitch facing 10 of the norse. Determined not to lose the possession, 7 norse players form into a tight phalanx around the ball which is handed to Ulfwerener Hash on the 1 yard line where he is ready to step over for the score in the following turn. The only U-dog standing is goblin Duh-vadsets, no one could imagine a lone goblin, marked by a Berserker and only just within sprinting distance of the ballcarrier could do anything to prevent the ST4 half man-half wolf from scoring. But in true U-dog style and with a piercing screech of EEEEiiiiiiii-Kamikaziiiiiiiii Duh-vadsets dodges around his marker, dodges through the norse cage and hurles himself head long at the shocked wolf-man. As the dust settles both the giant Ulfwerner and diminutive goblin are laid out on the floor and the loose ball has been collected by an understandably unnerved norse Linesman – if this is what one U-dog goblin can do to an Ulfwerner what might one of their larger players do to him? However, from this position there is no further success for the scrapping U-dogs and despite two further attempted goblin suicide blitzes they are unable to prevent the final turn score that ends the game at 1-0.

A defeat, which would have been much worse were the Norsgasm team full compos mentis in the first half, but the insane valour shown by Duh-vadtsets in the second half still fills me with pride in my team. Failures they might be but they never stop trying because they are too stupid to realise when its time to quit.
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