“Hello bloodsports fans, here with your Wednesday Dawgz fix, it is again I the ineffable imperial Verner Hishog.

Monday night's match up between The Udders and Skabs reminded me of writing my sophomore play The Burden of the Ackerman's Dreams. It was a frenzy of animals, rotting bodies, disease, and unhinged bureaucrats.

At the sounding of the starting buzzer Udder Chaos was unleashed. Within seconds Bullgors Dr Wow and Professor Pow had stunned two zombies, Matador the Doombull had the ball and Whiny the bray had fouled Gary Shankbone into the K.O. box.

The goblin ref Scotty Green spotted the foul and was about to send Whiny off. Whiny gave a series of unnaturally high squeals. Reeling in agony and unable to deal with more of that ruckus the ref waved Whiny back onto the field. But although Whiny stayed on field something else was expelled in this breathy exchange. Not long after this the ref and the other Udders seemed to exhibit strange behaviour.

For example Professor Pow seemed about to blitz Moss Lichgate but instead of carnage he appeared to engage in an eggheaded wastage of a rampage. In turn Bulloski rather than getting up to gore a golem thundered in rage on the ground.

The ref also seemed affected. After Moss Lichgate gave Bulloski the gentlest love tap, ref Green sent Moss off the field. The Chappedman tried to argue the call, but ref Green was infuriated by the Chappedman talking out his arse so sent him off too. Following this the Chappedman stormed off to the Formaldehyde bar to imbibe a Slow Gin, or 13, and explain to the young ladies why he is kind of a big deal. Which might explain why he failed to reanimate Beater Cross when he was killed shortly after.

Anyhow, it looked like The Udders would score a touchdown on their drive with Montador showing off his metrosexual ball handling skills. However, Dr Wow, under the influence of what spectators were beginning to suspect was mad cow disease, was too busy swooning over Beater Cross' fetid blood to provide a vital assist to protect Montador. Pall Stanley headbutted Matador (a risky proposition with a doombull but what do you expect from mindless reanimated flesh) and both he and the metrosexual went down.

With all of the Minotaurs frothing at the mouth in mad rage the Muscle of Love was able to retrieve the ball and stroke its way up the pitch to score in the closing seconds of the first half.

In the second half the minotaurs continued to froth like an 18-year-old rock climber talking about hangboard routines. And with the Skabs having taken out all of the brays, all that was between them and a second touchdown was Akhorne the squirrel.

Mad cow disease appears to affect squirrels differently though and Akhorne, surrounded by four skabs was able to send Palmela Handerson to the KO box and pop the ball loose. But surrounded by half of the remaining skabs, Akhorne was not long for this astrogranite. Pol Zombie stomped on the little critter three times before it was sent to the pet cemetery. It seems ref Green was also squirming on the ground with mad cow disease as he missed this.

With all this going on, and the minos continuing to convulse in rage, the Muscle of Love slid deep into the backfield for a penetrating score that sealed the win for the Skabs.

What a game folks. I can't wait to see what's next for the Udders!”