“"I'm Not Sure I'm Supposed to Be Here"
Week One Coverage of the Clar Karond Dread Devils
by Tylo Greaves, Junior Correspondent, Naggaroth SportNet

Well. That happened.

I'm writing this from the visitors' medical tent, because the locker room is... well, it's not exactly a place for the living right now. The Clar Karond Dread Devils have just wrapped their much-hyped season opener with a 1-2 loss to the grotesque, squelching mass that is the Slowtown Sluggs - a Nurgle squad that plays with the grace of a dead hog rolling down a hill and the effectiveness of a plague sweeping through a crowded city.

On paper, this was supposed to be a dazzling debut for Kaedros Redvenom, the golden son of the infamous Tuern Redvenom. But while Kaedros showed flashes of promise, his arrival was upstaged, unfortunately, by a massive outbreak of weak armor and rotting fists to the face.

Three linemen down. Not bruised. Not banged up. Seriously injured. The kind of injuries you don't just shake off with a healing draught and a sultry glare. Word from inside the team is that the Devils' armorer has been... reassigned. No further details have been provided, though one of the sponsors, an enchantment firm known only as "Velv'Unde Whispersilk's Premium Painsilk" (you've seen the ads), issued a brief statement saying he is being "tended to." I didn't ask what that meant. I didn't want to know.

Despite being down four players early in the second half, the Dread Devils still managed to score one of the most electrifying touchdowns I've ever seen. Lirith Bloodwhirl, the team's resident witch and recent winner of the Naggaroth Nightly's "Best Simultaneous Screams" torture contest, danced through the Sluggs' defense like a serrated blade through flesh. A dodge here, a spin there, and a goal line dive that left half the stadium gasping for entirely different reasons.

"Lirith doesn't just move," one delirious fan screamed behind me. "She performs. I paid for a Blood Bowl ticket and got a blood opera instead!"

Still, all the style and sex appeal in the world couldn't keep the team on their feet. Every time the Devils tried to mount momentum, Nuffle reached down and reminded them of their place in the cosmic joke that is Blood Bowl. A key dodge here, a crucial block there - all just a hair off, and all just not quite enough.

Not that you'd hear that from Coach McCaw, who stood stoically after the game, arms crossed, chewing something I pray was just tobacco.

"We executed parts of our game plan," McCaw said, nodding slowly. "The team fought hard out there. We'll look at the tape, tighten the screws, and keep building. Gotta keep our heads down and take it one game at a time."

He then said nothing else for the next six minutes, staring at me like he was trying to see if I'd blink. I did. Several times.

Was it a winnable game? Maybe. The Sluggs played like the festering boil they are, but even festering boils occasionally bounce right. And the Dread Devils - oh, the Dread Devils - they were magnificent. If anything went wrong, it was surely not their own fault. Probably the dice. Or the sun.

I don't know what I expected from my first assignment with this team, but it wasn't glamour mixed with arterial spray and innuendo shouted in Drukhari dialect. If I survive to write next week's column, I'll consider it a win.

In the meantime, Lirith just winked at me from across the medical tent. I may need to be "tended to" myself.

Clar Karond Dread Devils (0-1)
Next Up: Slighty Scared. Spirits willing, I'll be there.

-Tylo Greaves,
Still Breathing. For Now.”