We received the following letter:

"Yes, it is me, Eric Stoltz. I was in such great films as Pulp Fiction, Jerry Maguire, Pulp Fiction and Anaconda. Cuba Gooding was in Jerry Maquire and he won an Oscar playing a footballer. I would like an Oscar to go with the many, many awards I have received for my brilliant acting in such films as Jerry Maguire, Pulp Fiction and Pulp Fiction, so I am writing my own film about football which I will also direct and star in. As part of my research I would love to sign up to a full season as a player with Bokonon United.

Looking forward to hearing from you."

How could we say no?

Please kill this man.

Prior to our 4-1 loss to the Island Nation Woodies we received another letter:

"DeArr Hoorsehall, EriCK CannooT PlAY 2Day becos he is getting a awARd 4 beeing in lotz of grate fimls like PULp FicT1On and JerRY MagGuiRE & PuLP FictIOON." It was written in crayon and was signed "ERICK STOOLTSZ'S MUMM" - hmmm.

Please kill him. Go on.

UPDATE: 23rd April 2009
Finally, one of my opponents did the decent thing and put my ginger-haired retard of a linesman in the ground.

The honour went to The Beast from the Skullspeak Slaughterers. He had spent the first half roaring confusedly and running in circles, falling over, and that dirty sod 'Fishgills' McGinty stole in and put a boot in that would have taken him out of the match if it wasn't for the team doctor. Revitalised for the second half, the friendly, neighbourhood minotaur went on the rampage and Stoltz ended up with a horn through his chest and his still-beating heart clasped in the hairy hoof of an enraged cowman. Well done, that man/cow/thing!

As you see from his stats, Eric Stoltz was indeed as useless as I thought he would be. No TD, no cas, no completion. Just two dubious MVP awards by judges blindsided by the fact that he was on teh tellyvision once.