Boris Johnson was born in 1947 in Acrington Stanley in the back of a fishmongers. By the time he was seven years old he had already invented the sausage roll, the wagon wheel and the concept of a packed lunch. His report card regularly cited him to be an excellent student, proficient in knitting and ventriloquism. He suffers from a rare illness that makes his breath smell like Tuesdays. He currently lives in London where he rides around on a bike farting at tourists and hitting poor people with a rolled up copy of the Times. He is often described by the people of London as being a "Bumbling thunder clutz with all the personality and wit of a damp sprout thats been left in the rain". But then they are being nice.