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Past Players of ... the Aristocrats!
| Player | Position | Games | SPPs | Skills | Injuries | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 15 | Paul Provenza | Dragon Warrior | 1 | 5 | Block | m, n |
| 13 | Father | Lion Warrior | 8 | 19 | Catch, Pass Block | d |
| 11 | Sarah Silverman | Lineman | 16 | 39 | Block, Dodge, Side Step | m, n |
| 2 | Joe Franklin | Phoenix Warrior | 14 | 30 | Pass, Accurate, Safe Throw | m, n |
| 10 | Phyllis Griffiths | Lineman | 2 | 3 | m, -ag | |
| 8 | Bob Saget | Lineman | 9 | 6 | d | |
| 7 | Andy Dick | Lineman | 2 | 5 | d | |
| 6 | Gilbert Gottfried | Lineman | 1 | 0 | d | |
| 5 | George Carlin | Lineman | 8 | 12 | Kick | d |
| 4 | Andy Richter | Lineman | 12 | 2 | m, -st | |
| 3 | Billy the Mime | Lineman | 15 | 10 | Kick | -ag, d |