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| History: | The Cryptics are coached by an Undead Dwarf Runesmith Anzelak Stonefist. Early in his mortal life he discovered the Runes of Odon and the Book of Runonomicon. These taught him how he might gain everlasting life by sealing his soul into a small and ancient MVP trophy that had been past down to him. He completed the ritual and bound himself to his fate.
Convinced of his everlasting life, Stonefist began to take huge risks. He brawled other Dwarfs in taverns, journeyed through dangerous mountain passes alone and ate poisonous but delicious fruit. Unfortunately for Stonefist, the author of these abominable runes was a trickster. Fortunately for us, he was also a massive Blood Bowl fan.
The fruit of the lion killed Stonefist, as it does any who are foolish enough to taste its delicious flesh. But soon after his death the Dwarf awoke once more - and he was not the same. Before, he had spent his days crafting mighty craghammers and suits of the finest armour. But now he was driven by only one solitary desire: Blood Bowl.
He would be the first Dwarf coach to run an Undead team. For all eternity Coach Stonefist would arrange ten game tours in locations around the Old World. He would seek out glory on the field for his new kin, and make as much profit as possible in the doing.
However, though it no longer beats, Stonefist's heart is still a Dwarven one. That means when he signs contracts, arranges matches in stadia and leads the Cryptics armoured caravan throughout the Old World, he always does so under the banner of a precious stone.
After each tour, he selects one of his players and provides them with a cup in which the gem of the current tour is set. After the team has celebrated and rested and a new tour is to begin, the player returns Stonefist’s cup to him but keeps the precious stone for himself.
Click below to see in depth reviews of the various tours the Cryptics have been on. This huge map may be useful. The Jaarvic Craghammers (a Norse outfit) are the official warm-up act for the Cryptic Humours.
The player graphics were created by the very talented boeufmironton. | | Current Tour: | Topaz Tour of Western Bretonnia |
| Game # | The Deceased | The Killer | Status | Comments |
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| #4 v Necromantic |  Jacques Monod |  Cruncher | Active | Waited until our fourth game to confirm a raisable kill (we'd managed four murders in a game against goblins - including a troll - but our Necromancer won't touch guys that are too big or too little as it creeps him out). Cruncher manages to bag one of only two killable players on the team, and he picks the Blodge Ghoul who'd secured 23 rush yards and a TD. His reward? A +1 Strength skill up. Crunchy! | | #12 v Dark Elves |  White |  Artemis Franklin | Fired | The Cryptics utterly miserable performance early in the Topaz Tour did have a few bright moments - and this brutal slaying from tackler Artemis was one of them. We made sure the Elves' victory over us at least came at a price. He was fired after the game - even zombie Elves aren't welcome on this team! | | #18 v Dark Elves | Sgda |  Inigo Lovedash | Active | The Cryptics make a habit of losing to DElves. But they're also in the habit of killing them. We enjoyed this one. Inigo splatters the lineman of a gnarly coach who brandished the "lucker" term about a lot. The apo tried to work his magic but just couldn't manage it. Muncher gets his second +1 strength skill-up in honour of Inigo's work! Munchy! We decided to keep this one on after their lot forced one of our zombies into retirement. We cut off his pointy ears and get him a jersey to wear. |
 | Places visited: Bretonnian Duchies of Aquitaine, Brionne and Carcassonne | Narrative: The Cryptics began the tour playing for Duke Theodoric of Brionne in the city and then at Castle Gransette. They managed two 1-1 draws, but the Duke was particularly happy with the bloodshed in Game 2 against a goblin franchise and presented a shield emblazoned with the battleaxe of Brionne to Stonefist and the team. The background is purple, instead of the usual white, in their honour.
The caravan headed east along the river Brionne, playing for house Massone at Sibourne and the Baron Leuthere at the crossroad town of Muret where they played the first game held in a newly constructed stadium. The Cryptics destroyed a Wood Elf outfit at Sibourne with a 4-0 drubbing and continued their unbeaten run at Muret with a 1-1 draw, where Cruncher the mummy netted the teams first raised zombie. Cruncher develops immense strength here through spending a whole night lifting one of the caravan's armoured carts over his head while the rest of the team slept or partied. Coach Stonefist fired zombie Hecatosh Hurr (from a cannon) after he complained that a newly raised zombie had taken 'his place' aside the mummies on the Line of Scrimmage.
The Cryptics travelled into the Duchy of Carcassonne and played out a 1-1 draw for Aiden the Brave and his court at Laguiller before crossing the river and heading to the castle Carcassonne for a double bill in honour of Duke Huebald. The grim and highly respected Duke enjoyed the Cryptic's 1-0 victory over the Wood Elves, particularly the violent second half, and presented TD scorer Biastos Bitey with a wooden sword fashioned from birch, a symbol of great honour and respect in Carcassonne. The Cryptics gave thanks to the Duke by shutting down Dwarf opposition for a 2-0 win in the same stadium the following day in a game punctuated by heavy snow, with Biastos grabbing two touchdowns.
Swinging up to Aquitaine to finish the tour, the Cryptics start very poorly. They throw away an easy victory over Elves in front of Duke Armand, the bearer of the standard of Brettonia. They travel the short journey to the strategically important Chateau D'Epee but their form worsens. They lose to a difficult Human franchise, but have only themselves to blame for a poor half of offense and half-hearted blocking.
However, in the final game of the tour the Cryptics turn up in style. They vanquish an undead side despite many of their fans staying home after the lacklustre performances of the past week. Biastos secures a hattrick and a completion for a 10 point game, and guarantees the malachite gem for himself. | | Malachite Gem Winner: Biastos Bitey | | Record: 4 Wins, 5 Draws, 1 Loss (Began with an 8 Game Unbeaten Streak) |
| Game # | Location | Gate | Opponent | Result | Noteworthy |
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| #1 | Brionne | 20,000 | Human | D 1-1 | - Seriously injured a merc lineman.
- Zombie Galatosh Grrr secures a casulty and an MVP - takes Guard.
| | #2 | Castle Gransette | 15,000 | Goblin | D 1-1 | - Sej'Ciquani Skitter seriously injured.
- Carnage. 4/1/4 casulties for us and 2/1/0 for them. Cruncher and Mala'tosh Merr net 2 casulties each.
- One troll killed; another seriously injured.
| | #3 | Sibourne | 30,000 | Wood Elf | W 4-0 | - Seriously injure a lineman
- Mala'tosh Merr makes five fouls - he really hates Elves.
- Two TDs for Biastos Bitey.
| | #4 | Muret | 20,000 | Necromantic | D 1-1 | - Raised first Zombie: Jacques Monod (a local Bretonnian ghoul)
- 2/0/2 for us; 1/0/0 for them.
| | #5 | Laguiller | 20,000 | Chaos | D 1-1 | - Johari Werr, a zombie, is killed.
- 2/0/2 for us; 1/0/0 for them.
- Muncher the mummy secures a casulty and an MVP for a skill up.
| | #6 | Castle Carcassonne | 20,000 | Wood Elf | W 1-0 | - Seriously injure two
- 2/0/2 for us; 1/0/0 for them.
- Cleared the pitch of Elves in the second half.
| | #7 | Castle Carcassonne | 24,000 | Dwarf | W 2-0 | - Play in a blizzard and the game starts with a pitch invasion.
- Crowd surf a troll slayer in turn 5, causing -1 MA which is apo'd to a MNG.
- Great pass from Mujari in spite of the snow gifts Biastos a touchdown while defending the Dwarf drive.
| | #8 | Aquitaine | 26,000 | Wood Elf | D 1-1 | - Dominated the Elves in terms of numbers and go on a 2-1 grind.
- Appalling and lazy work at the end of the second half, coupled with clutch WElf defending, throws a guaranteed win away in favour of a 1-1 draw.
| | #9 | Chateau D'Epee | 26,000 | Human | L 1-0 | - Brings an eight game unbeaten streak to an end.
| | #10 | Aquitaine | 26,000 | Undead | W 4-0 | - Game begins in pouring rain and the opponents have almost double our fans.
- They receive, but the ghouls get in behind the line and interfere with the carrier - and Biastos converts for the score.
- Hattrick and a completion for Biastos - 10 point game!
- Insane pass move from Biastos for a last turn dodge, pickup, throw and score for Ichabod.
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 | Places visited: Bretonnian Duchies of Bordeleaux, Mousillon, and Artois | Narrative: The Cryptics began the tour playing for Duke Alderic of Bordeleaux in his stadium. It is littered with the trident-forked blue-gold coat of arms he is well known for. The game is dead on dead and difficult, and the Cryptics cannot emulate the glory of their last outing. The score finishes 1-1 and they trundle north to Turris Vigilans. They wish they hadn't! The Cryptics are awful against a Dark Elf outfit and their abysmal showing results in a 3-1 drubbing. A kill (leading to a new zombie) and two serious injuries isn't enough to forego their disgraceful performance - and to make matters worse Ghoul Mujari is retired after being left open for a blitz.
Coach Stonefist makes a decision to postpone the tour and takes the team's caravan to the XFL Undead VIII tournament. They take a while travelling there, get through the first round and then bow out in the second round due to a technicality. Returning to the Topaz Tour they storm to a 3-0 victory in Mousillon over a Nurgle outfit. At Castle Richard they go down by a touchdown against an organised goblin team, but turn things around to win 2-1. Coach Stonefist rubs shoulders with the likes of Earl Burden the Wild, Ganelon, Evroul and Mallobaude. He is presented with the device of Malrdred of Mousillon, but carefully rids himself of it (this land is dishonoured and loathed, and the team want to make coin elsewhere in Brettonia). | | Topaz Gem Winner: Undecided! | | Record: N/A |
| Game # | Location | Gate | Opponent | Result | Noteworthy |
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| #11 | Bordeleaux | 27,000 | Undead | D 1-1 | - Cruncher Stands tall against a rival Mummy, both downing his block, BH him - and he doesn't regenerate.
- A slow grind and scoreless second half. Eventually we free up the ball but Ichabod can't connect a pass to go for the winner.
| | #12 | Turris Vigilans | 25,000 | Dark Elf | L 3-1 | - We brutalise the Elves. Kelari fouls for a -1MV smashed ankle in the first turn, and this sets the tone.
- Pouring rain (a metaphor for the Cryptic's miserable performance) makes it difficult for us to pick up the ball and the Elves set into the line and score quickly on our offence.
- Poor play allows Ghoul Mujari to get a -1 MV injury
- Three Cryptics are red carded from the field from a total of ten fouls.
| | |  | XFL Undead VIII | | | - Tournament Break (See below for details)
| | #14 | Mousillon | 25,000 | Nurgle | W 3-0 | - Fired up from their poor treatment at the tourney, the Cryptics hit their Nurgle opponents very, very hard.
- KOs abound in the first half; the tentacled menaces are reduced to two players. The first Cryptic defence is perfect.
- A Nurgle ball is wrenched free and Biastos scores on their offence.
- Inigo Lovedash, Mujari's replacement, scores his first touchdown.
- Violent crowd: they hurl a rock and there are two seperate riots.
- Biastos and Ichabod combine for a well-worked 3-0 TD. It is Ichabod's third overall TD in a 5-spp game for him.
- 2nd MVP for Cruncher nets him a skill-up. Secures a double roll for Guard. Ends the game on 80 blocks.
| | #15 | Castle Richard | 23,000 | Goblin | W 2-1 | - Hugely entertaining game. The Cryptics go down by a td but come back to win it 2-1.
- A goblin is eaten by his troll team mate.
- Both ghouls get a td and Inigo skills up for the first time.
| | #16 | Martel | 31,000 | Undead | D 0-0 | - The Cryptic's biggest ever crowd witness their first bore score draw in a game marred by severe delays.
- Errors on offence allow the opposition to shut down our drive.
- Clutch last minute defending prevents the loss.
| | #17 | Sigmarsheim | 28,000 | Orcs | W 2-1 | - The Cryptics knock out a slew of Orcs in the first half after blitzing, but can't rack up the casualties.
- Slippery and elf-like Orc ball carrier still gets away from the Cryptics and speeds in the TD.
- The Cryptics answer with a quick TD after a nice pass from Ichabod Blackfinger.
- Most of the Orcs recover from KO and blitz in the second half, but the Cryptics grind through the middle to secure the winning score.
| | #18 | Uesin | 36,000 | D Elves | L 2-1 | - Huge crowd but a frustrating game against a DElf Coach bandying about the "lucker" term.
- Kelari, a block Zombie, is forced into retirement with an early -1STR injury.
- The DElves score. We return to tie before the half time whistle.
- Reckless fouling gives away a numbers advantage. The Elves also remove a range of Cryptics from the pitch.
- They win, but Inigo kills one of their number (who joins us) and Muncher gets another +1 strength roll
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| XFL VIII Undead | The Cryptics take some time away from the Topaz Tour to enter the XFL Undead tournament. They have to wait a while for the game which gives them time to reflect on their poor performances in Western Brettonia. The journey to the tournament grounds is long and leisurely, but when the Cryptics arrive they're ready. They shake off their pitiful performance against the Elves in Turris Vigilans to proceed through to the second round (though not without a little rustiness as a few novice errors in the second half will show).
Unfortunately, the Cryptics second round game is decided by coin toss due to a technicality. The coin looks like a split to Coach Stonefist, but the tournament leadership rule otherwise. |
| Game # | Round | Gate | Opponent | Result | Points of Interest |
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| #13 | 1 | 27,000 | Undead | W 1-0 | - Phenomenal defensive work from Biastos and the Wights prevents a quick dash down the left flank from turning into a score. The carrier can't shake a sidestepping Biastos and then the ball gets pushed out into the crowd.
- Biastos gathers the ball and then the Cryptics force a hole in the line so he can break for the endzone.
- Fouls from Kelari KO a Ghoul and later KO a Mummy!
- Turn 5 foul Johari Derr SIs a MB wight; second half foul from Mala'tosh BHs another ghoul and Bujani Berrr BH-fouls yet another ghoul and is red carded.
- Heavy hitters: Muncher SIs a zombie and Ichabod KOs a frenzy/MB wight. Rookie Ghoul Inigo Lovedask SIs a zombie.
- Horrendous Coach mistake in second half: not choosing both-downs when blocking with wights, despite the fact their ghouls don't have block.
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Gnomes are trash
[R] Shambling Undead
Kelari Derrr
Hecatosh Hurrr