Head Coach Stonefist spat beer out all over the table.

He leapt to his feet, eyebrows raised: 'What the hell did you say lad?' He screamed, his face a picture of uncontrollable delight.

'Um, we're in sir,' the little gnome repeated. 'The Lightning are through to the RRR final.'

Elzebar tried to get out of the way, but his undead Dwarf master was too quick. He winced and wondered why Stonefist wanted to hurt him this time (and why the hell he still kept coming to work). But Stonefist didn't want to hit him. Oh no. He picked him up. And waved him around. Stonefist was so happy he was singing and dancing.

'Oh my God, lad, this is fantastic news!' the Dwarf screamed.

After a short while jigging around the room, he set the little gnome down on the table and picked up what was left of his beer.

'Right sir,' the gnome said, scratching his head. 'I'm confused. Haven't you been reading the dispatches I've sent you?'

The gleaming, undead eyes of the Stonefist looked away. With a sheepish grin he said: 'I'll be honest with you lad - no, I haven't. I'm not really one for reading.'

The gnome struggled to hide his frustration. 'Right. Well, Coach Johar and I had wondered why you hadn't shown up in Altdorf. Sire, you really should have come along sooner. It's been going amazingly well.'

Elzebar cleared his throat:

'At first we had these bony lads. Boy, did they look tough and they were coached by a pretty well known guy. Anyway, we managed to blow them off the pitch. We just started blasting the bones off them. We won it 2-0 and went through to the quarter final...'

'There we were drawn against an horrible looking lot of chaos dwarves. They looked incredibly tough, sir, but it turns out our boys were tougher: we killed one and fractured a brace of skulls. We won that 2-0 as well.'

'And yesterday in the semi-final we came up against some women from across the sea. They were a dodgy looking lot. They scored first and, to be honest with you, it started looking a little shady. But then the boys turned up again and we nearly stomped every last one of them off the pitch. It was 2-1 at the end after OT.'

'They were chanting our names, sire! There are little imperial lads wearing replica shirts! They chant 'Kasta! Kasta!' when our +1 agi Zerker is doing something good. He's managed a casualty every game. Our Kicker Andlit just signed a deal with Bloodweiser! Our new tackler Urfa put in a good shift against the zons and our other Zerker Steinnalfo got the game-winning TD and a skill-up in the last game.'

'As a team, we've caused thirteen casualties (4/4/5) and only taken 3! We have six touchdowns and we've only conceded one!'

'Right,' the Stonefist said, rubbing his hands together. 'I'll just pack my bag. It sounds like you need the coaching of a real genius!'

Elzebar's eyebrows shot up. He squeaked. 'Oh, well, sir: we thought you could watch from the VIP box... You see, we've got Orcs in the final and it's going to be bloody hard work.'

'Gods, no. I'll be on the sideline. Calling the plays. I'm not Head Coach of the Eternal Gemstone Tour for nothing, you know.'

'Oh, sire, please! It's been going so well with Johar and I leading the...'

Elzebar stopped short again with another squeak. He had just caught the thunderous gaze of his undead master. With barely contained rage, and a large dash of self-loathing, he said: 'Right you are sir, you can take charge of the Lightning for the final.'

The undead Dwarf hurtled out of the Gemstone office as the gnome put his head in his hands.