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Can The Murder Maidens make it to Prem this season?
Lol no they will all die
 46%  [ 6 ]
They may need another season to really get going
 23%  [ 3 ]
Sure why not!
 30%  [ 4 ]
Total Votes : 13


Joined: May 17, 2018

Post   Posted: Oct 19, 2020 - 07:43 Reply with quote Back to top

After (mostly) surviving the brutality of the SWL Regionals with a 2-4-1 record, The Murder Maidens look to head into Season 84 with a gritty determination. They got into Conference with a wildcard and that's not good enough in their eyes, so they want to prove they have what it takes.

With a new set of rules and regulations just around the corner, they want to be in a position to get into the Premier Division and disrupt the established teams during the transition. This means coming first or maybe second out of 8. If they fail miserably they may move to literally greener pastures and perhaps pielover101 the coach will find another team... Success is not an easy task with Maidens likely going into most matches as the underdog and considering the matchups;

Round 1: Styx and Warpstones
With 4 veterans (and one tackler) this could prove be a challenging match. Hermes looks list the most fragile piece to attack but there will be an annoying wave of generic goblins in the way.

Round 2: Blood Crag Stripes
With likely 3 Tackle Saurus and an Agile skink, the Maidens will be slower, weaker, less agile and lose their main advantage of dodging, and the team is not much more "valuable" than the Maidens. We may need to fire a Maiden to get a wizard for this one.

Round 3:Ceasg Coast Corsairs
For Elves these guys can pack a punch. However their first round match is against the Gorgoth Heavies, and the Maidens know from personal experience how much damage they can do to your team. Even if the team is damaged the Maidens should still be able to conjure enough petty cash for a wizard.

Round 4:Gorgoth Heavies
At this point the Maidens may have been able to get a couple of tackling pieces, but from this point on they won't be needed. The Maidens will suffer likely irreparable damage, but you can count on them avenging Alice and murdering Targon Heavyiron.

Round 5:Redgum's Repugnance
By the time these 2 teams meet they should be on a level playing field, though the Nurgle will have some more experienced players. It is likely the Maidens will be down key positionals from the previous match, which is good because passing with Nurgle around is an awful idea. This should be a good match for the crowd.

Round 6:Big Boys Don't Block
As it stands, this team does not look as dangerous to the Maidens as t could be. There's a good chance Big T ends up in the dirt by then, saving the Maidens the headache. If that happens ten this is the first match the Maidens will probably go in as the overdog and a slim chance the Maidens could actually pull a comfortable win out of an otherwise brutal season.

Round 7:We'reWho!
As it stands only The Duchess poses a significant threat to the Maidens, but the game is a long way off and both teams could look significantly different by then. But assuming both teams suffer equal amounts of (mis)fortune, then it should make for a cracking final game of the season.

Do you think the Murder Maidens have what it takes to make it to Premier or will they be the ones Murdered? Watch this space to find out!

If you would like to see the definitely objective and non-bias match reports for last season, please click on the following links. Any comments and criticism on how they could be improved, or what you like about them, is much appreciated:

Round 1 vs Griffindoom

Round 2 vs Signed Poor Scoundrels

Round 3 vs Salute of the Jugger

Round 4 vs Skye Hoppers

Round 5 vs Legends of Azeroth

Round 6 vs Kingdom Decay (SWL)

Round 7 vs Gorgoth Heavies

Last edited by pielover101 on Oct 19, 2020 - 12:11; edited 4 times in total

Joined: May 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Oct 19, 2020 - 08:51 Reply with quote Back to top

Nice one man. I would definitely keep up with the reports in your style, don't change them for us. You don't often see a 1st person match report so I'm a fan.

Joined: May 17, 2018

Post   Posted: Oct 23, 2020 - 14:11 Reply with quote Back to top

Round 1 vs Styx αnd Warpstones
Fresh and ready for Season 84 on a beautiful Spring day, with the wizard making them a nice half time bonfire on the bench, The Maidens win the toss and choose to receive. Between fans pegging a rock and a good punch by Furiosa, the Maidens get a 2 player advantage, then immediately lose Lagertha as she attempts a not-so-subtle foul on Persophone. This began a literal game of Lioness and Mouse, with neither team wanting to overcommit to a fight, and Furiosa and Cronus Blowing players Mightily before retreating behind their teammates. This only resulted in a knockout for each team, and the Maidens get a pretty easy score on turn 8. 1-0.

The Warpstones set up for a one turn touchdown, but Furiosa Blitzes forward to cover the trajectory, and while the rest of the Maidens didn't cover the gap she left, it Psyched out Psyche enough to make him trip on his own laces. 1-0.

At the start of the second half, Arwen and Ripley are quickly removed from the pitch, putting the Maidens on the back foot. Furiosa and Ms. Connor pressure the ball, but Cronus is hungry for blood after being starved in the first half, and blitzes and KILLS Mockingjay/Mystique, and Hermes dodges out to get in a cage. The Maidens, desperate for vengeance, call upon the wizard to hit as many people in the cage as they can, knocking down Persophone and badly hurting Hermes, but Dieopia heroically catches the ball (before immediately getting knocked down by Leeloo of course). The Maidens put the pressure on and around the ball, but ANUS has other plans. He swoops in, grabs the ball like its nothing and passes it to Cronus (who runs it near the endzone) without breaking a sweat. The Maidens fail to pop the ball loose but put on enough pressure to make him score on turn 4. 1-1.

The Maidens receive a relatively deep kick and the Warpstones get a blitz! They jam down their right flank to threaten the ball. The Maidens set up a screen but Michonne fails the pickup! The Warpstones clear a path for ANUS to pull the same ball scooping in tackle zones crap again, but this time he gets the TD on a few GFIs...1-2.

The Maidens, desperate to score, try to push hard down the left flank, but a deep right kick splits the team in half. Cronus is still hungry and tries to break Mary Embreys' neck, but the apothecary is used to broken necks by now and just snaps it back into place. The Warpstones try to pin the Maidens to the sidelines, but Michonne fights her way through and gets into range. The Warpstones do enough to make the rookie Ultraviolet fail to push Michonne free of Persophones' tentacles. 1-2.

MVP goes to Æon Flux, who managed to get an amazing casualty on Persophone (who then regenerated Rolling Eyes )

An Alice Award has been issued to Mockingjay/Mystique, her valiant sacrifice for her team will live on with this medal. Retribution will be dealt to Cronus at the next available opportunity.

A loss this early with the several brutal matches we have coming up makes making it to Prem this season even more of a pipedream. Can they still defy the odds? Almost definitely not but it will be fun to watch them fail Wink

Joined: May 17, 2018

Post   Posted: Oct 31, 2020 - 03:49 Reply with quote Back to top

Round 2 vs Blood Crag Stripes

The Maidens have enough petty cash to hire the legendary Karla Von Kill for the match, because they need the extra muscle against the thicc lizards, and they want to go into the second half with the numbers advantage. The Stripes choose to receive in the Sweltering Heat (which The Maidens were going to choose anyway). Despite the Maidens survival skill sets the Stripes strike true and Crash Blind almost murders the fragile Mary Embrey Mk III, but luckily the apothecary patches her up then leaves for smoko break. The Maidens try to defend while on the backfoot, and the Journeyman Skink goes for a few cheap fouls on Karla before rightly getting sent the fck off (and failing to see Lagertha's Dirty Plays at the same time Very Happy ). The Stripes set up a cage next to Karla, who threatens to Jump Up and open up the cage for a sack, but she failed to get up. Leeloo badly hurts herself against the swole Blood Carnage (c), and a few more knockouts leaves the Maidens behind in numbers. The Stripes keep the ball well defended but the derpy Murder Thunder allows for a couple of 55% dodges at the ball (which both fail Sad ) and the Stripes slot it in on turn 8. 0-1.

The Sweltering Heat is somehow too much for Furiosa (the only Maiden fast enough to score in 1 turn Crying or Very sad ) but then something magical happened. Lagertha picks up a piping hot jagged rock out of the pitch and jams it into

Vengeance Trusts' fleshy belly, getting the Maidens their FIRST EVER MURDER! (on their most dangerous player no less!). Ripley fails a vanity pass. 0-1.

The Sweltering Heat gone for the second half and the Maidens up 11-9, The Stripes make an irritatingly deep kick. Then, the season crippling moment happens. Æon Flux follows in Leeloo's footsteps and bangs her four-head (quad skull) against Blood Carnage (c)s' giant fists, ending the Maidens turn. The fast Stripes burst down the right flank and cut most of the Maidens off from the ball. Arwen tries to protect it but the rookie Skink Walk Fame dodges twice, badly hurts her, goes for it, scoops up the ball and scores with 1 die-ving sweep. 0-2.

At this point, with the game and the season in absolute shambles, the Maidens are only interesting in getting any experience AT ALL to prepare for the next season. Despite being 11-9 up the Maidens still got outmuscled in a brawl trying to move the ball up and Mary Embrey Mk III tries to makes up for getting injured all the time and barely scores on turn 8. 1-2.

MVP to Michonne because she actually managed to handle the ball. Wow! And she learned how to Guard Cool

The Maidens lost all hope of making Prem, but at least they got their first scalp. Can they avoid being relegated back to Regionals? Not a chance under the current trajectory but maybe they'll finally establish themselves as true Murderers.

Joined: May 17, 2018

Post   Posted: Nov 10, 2020 - 13:10 Reply with quote Back to top

Round 3 vs Ceasg-Coast Corsairs

The Maidens hire a wizard and bribe the ref. They did their research and found that the Corsairs had 4 extremely dangerous players; so their objective was to forcibly remove them from the pitch to try and level the playing field. The Maidens won the toss and forgot their kick 'n' bash gameplan and received.

First turn of the game had a shallow kick and a juicy target in Ogilhinn, the Maidens choosing a lighter screen and a scoop and retreat on the ball for a chance to remove the swole abomination. An obvious but brutal boot-to-rib foul by Lagertha threatened to make the abomination miss the next game, and the Corsairs took the huge risk of using their apothecary to keep him in the game to no avail (and the ref stuck to his word and ignonred this foul). 3 to go. But Lagertha didn't stop there. She KOs Niall the next turn, and the following turn she MURDERS! Abhainn. 2 to go.. Lagertha continues to push her luck trying to Murder Ramsey, but the ref decides he likes his job and kicks both her and the coach out of the game. The Maidens continue their brutality but without the sharp boots of Lagertha they can't do as much damage. This combined with the still standing dangerous ballhawk Wynfreda forces a turn 7 score. 1-0.

The Maidens set up a Ziggurat defense, and a deep kick hurts the Corsairs' 2 turn score chances. Ramsey dodges his heart out to get into the Maidens' backfield, and the rest of the Corsairs perform similar agile feats to tie up Maidens and make catching him difficult. Wynfreda gets the pickup. The Maidens, cocky and sloppy, almost have Leeloo Dallas knock herself over, and distracting Ms. Connor to trip on her laces. The 2 remaining dangerous elves validate pielovers' zealous witchhunt by long bombing, avoiding an intercept, catching and dodging without even needing team encouragement (reroll). 1-1.

A level score with the Corsairs receiving means a Ziggurat to keep them on one side of the pitch hoping they cluster up for a juicy fireball. 4 of them cluster with the ball including both key players. Good enough. The fireball hits ALL 4 PLAYERS and Badly Hurts Macauley. Furiosa follows through and fucks Farquharsons' face, forcing a field flee. The Maidens secure the ball. The Corsairs remain persistent despite the odds and Ramsey gets next to the ball and sidesteps around. Ms. Connor redeems herself from the failed sack last half and Badly Hurts Ramsey. 1 to go. Wynfreda takes advantage of the slightly loose defense caused by Ramseys' trolling and hits Michonne for 6+ popping the ball loose! 3 Corsairs covered the ball creating a nightmare scenario, but after much difficulty getting the ball to open space, especially with Wynfreda sidestepping, Arwen channels her old elf skills to get the ball to "relative" safety. Wynfreda continues her relentless assault on the ball, but with a tighter defense she couldn't pull it off. The Maidens knock all the Corsairs to the ground, and the only way they draw now is when Wynfreda does something crazy and pops the ball out on turn 8. Ultraviolet takes a move from Lagerthas' playbook and MURDERS! Wynfreda. 0 to go. After that it was an easy score on turn 8. 2-1.

MVP went to Mary Embrey Mk III because she was the only player the ref could think of who didn't drive the boot in.

This win means every team in this Conference has lost at least 1 game after round 3, so the Maidens (and everyone else) has a chance of making it to Premier, especially now the Corsairs have been taken down several pegs. The Maidens have well and truly established themselves as Murderers, they're back in business and the race is on for Prem!

PS. The late foul wasn't unnecessary, but in hindsight she was stunned and it was his drive, so there might've been a way I could've played it where I didn't need to foul her, but also a good turn 7 with the remaining linemen could've given her a shot at the ball, forced a turn 7 score or just have a 2+ leap for a sidestepper to get in the cage with no obvious way to clear her. I think if I had deliberated longer she still would've got the boot Confused It sucks that his team is basically just a St 5 lineman and a vanilla level 3 blitzer as a result though Sad

Joined: May 18, 2013

Post   Posted: Nov 11, 2020 - 01:40 Reply with quote Back to top

I think if someone is going to continually leap into cages and threaten you, all gloves are off. Different story perhaps if he runs his team away and doesn't contest the score. Whilst it's certainly frustrating for him to lose his players, I feel he had a choice whether to push hard after the early apothecary to contest and risk losing players or accept the loss and he took a risk. That's not on you at all. On the plus side that S5 lineman is still a franchise piece he can grow around.

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Nov 11, 2020 - 02:23 Reply with quote Back to top

Lagertha is the most destructive player in the league right now - 2 kills and 108 SPP ground into the pitch beneath her vicious heel. Carry on!


Joined: May 17, 2018

Post   Posted: Nov 13, 2020 - 03:01 Reply with quote Back to top

Round 4 vs Gorgoth Heavies

As rain poured from the heavens onto the normally dusty barren pitch, The Murder Maidens, keg in hand, lose the toss and are forced to kick. The Maidens jump the gun and Blitz! Targon Heavyiron to try and avenge the fallen Alice, to no avail. Leeloo Dallas trips trying to mark the ball and the Heavies get their turn 1. A knockout and casulaty immediately put the Maidens on the back foot, before Æon Flux smashes the hip of Glazal Stormstriker, and Lagertha MURDERS! the deadly Glazdohz Deathbinder, bringing it to 9 v 9. A few turns pass before Mary Embrey Mk III trips and the Heavies look to foul the agile Maiden. Unfortunately this left Retchad slightly exposed, and Lagertha brought the ball to ground. The Heavies scrambled to retrieve the ball in the soaking rain, but the relentless pressure from the Maidens kept the scores level at half time. 0-0.

Instead of using the keg to refresh herself, Lagertha instead takes a much deserved break and gets shitfaced in the KO box, but it is still 11 v 11. Ultraviolet see's an opportunity to foul Targon Heavyiron to try and avenge her fallen sister Alice but again his armour holds true Sad The Heavies apply a contact defense against the bloodthirsty Maidens, which made it harder for them but ultimately resulted in the MURDER! of Wagnob by a suplex from Diana Prince! Finally fed up with getting outbashed, the Heavies damage the back of Mary Embrey Mk III and badly hurt Ultraviolet to gain the numbers advantage. The Maidens pass the ball and make a sideline cage on the left flank to get some scoreboard pressure, but Ripley slips trying to screen, allowing the Heavies to pile on the pressure. Luckily Leeloo Dallas punches her way through a Bull Centaur, dodges and goes for it to get a lucky score. 1-0.

This time the Maidens are down 9 v 10 so set up for survival and leave the flanks open. Barthrakk Daemonbull gets his second casualty of the match by fracturing Ripleys' leg. Targon Heavyiron bravely stands out on his own. The Maidens STRONGLY consider ganging up on him, but didn't want to deprive Ultraviolet her chance of revenge and try to pressure the ball instead. They are moderately successful, but the Heavies continue to remove enough Maidens (including a broken neck for Michonne Sad ) that they eventually score on turn 7. 1-1.

7 v 10 the Maidens are happy to get a draw, but the crowd aren't. They RIOT! and the ref is too distracted to call time! Leeloo Dallas fails to get in scoring range, so the Heavies can put all their effort into trying to score themselves, and both Centaurs barrel down the pitch toward the ball! Arya Stark grabs the ball and stands in the corner, hoping she will get shoved in the crowd with the ball, putting it out of reach (and the Maidens fail one last jab at Targon Heavyiron )
Zharkorth Bloodhoof obliges and the ball is thrown back in in an awkward spot. Apparently Barthrakk Daemonbull is better at killing than dodging, requiring encouragement (RR), which meant Retchad didn't have encouragement and trips in the mud Maiden style. 1-1.

MVP goes to Leeloo Dallas for punching, dodging and sprinting her way through Bull Centaurs against the odds for a touchdown! She seems a little faster now Very Happy

A 1-1-2 record is not great, but if the Maidens can pull 3 wins out of the next 3 games then a 4-1-2 record in this tight division might just be enough to make the cut for Premier. Lets see if the Maidens can get a hat trick!

Joined: Nov 13, 2020

Post   Posted: Nov 13, 2020 - 07:17 Reply with quote Back to top


Joined: May 17, 2018

Post   Posted: Nov 19, 2020 - 08:11 Reply with quote Back to top

Round 5 vs Redgum's Repugnance
On a pefect Spring day, the battered Maidens contract a Journeyman, Mercenary, Wizard and the Holy Wood Star Willow Rosebark to go in 13 v 11 with a plan to capitalise on the numbers with their newfound Murder skills. Unfortunately Redgum won the toss and chose to kick.

Lagertha catches the ball off the kick. Irritated because she wants to focus on kicking people while they're dowm, she tries to hand the ball over to Leeloo Dallas, who literally throws the ball up and back at Lagertha who catches it again! Furiosa fails to knock down Suzie Scabs, and gets powed and badly hurt by Detestation for her efforts, but the apothecary patches her up for the next drive. Redgum continues to keep removing pieces despite the Maidens defensive skills, so the Maidens try to turn it into a race to the backfield with a deep pass to open space, but Lagertha is more experienced with balls of the opposition and fumbbls the pass. Gangrene Greg dodges and grabs the ball like an Elf so the Maidens go for a desperation attrition fireball, knocking down all 4 players but not injuring any. Lagertha did not get the Pow she needed to knock the ball loose, but Redgum tried to stall while outnumbered and Lorraine Broughton was able to pow and stun Gangrene Greg and pick up the ball! Redgum piled on the pressure, but because Arya Stark managed to escape Putrefactions' Tentacles, the Maidens went for a crazy turn 8 score, but Sarah Connor fails the first dodge of the turn! Pathogen gets a pow on the ball and Gangrene Greg has a much simpler retrieval than last time and scores. 0-1.

The Maidens are at least able to go in the second half 11 v 11 thanks to all 3 of the knocked out ones getting up, and then Redgum removes 3 Maidens again... The Maidens pressure the ball, (getting Arwens' first casualty in the process) and the Maidens were able to keep the ball contested, but eventually attrition took the Maidens down to 4 v 10 and Gangrene Greg slotted it in on turn 7. 0-2.

The Maidens continue their 100% knockout recovery rate, but its too little too late.
Ultraviolet got some passing practice. 0-2.

MVP to Diana Prince. The ref didn't like anybody this game so he just picked someone else he liked from the previous game.

Luckily the only thing that died this game was the Maidens dreams of making it to prem. Maidens will be playing round 6 to avoid demotion via wooden spoon and prepare the team for season 85. If the Maidens are demoted, and if the new regulations are rough toward the Maidens even team development strategy, then this may be their second last game for some time. So get in while you can!
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