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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 05, 2021 - 06:38 Reply with quote Back to top


Rumours of the apocalypse have been greatly exaggerated; despite persistent predictions that the Second Coming of Nuffle would destroy Armorical Football as we know it, his reappearance seems to have been delayed, to the embarrassment of various millennial cults that had sprung up, claiming elfball was over/blocking was nerfed/giant ratmen exist. Although the possibility of a plague of frogs on pogo sticks can never be dismissed outright, it seems the Southern Wastes will have a few more matches played before the high priests change all the rules forever. In celebration of this, the All Star Committee have stopped stuffing Salamoneous' corpse with sawdust for a few days, confiscated Pinkeye Growthspurt's precious crayons, and arrested the gnome impresario who had been claiming the top Dark Elves in the league had quit to form a musical troupe called Groovy Dynasty. Guaranteeing no further delays or disruption, and after an awful lot of hairpulling and chair throwing, we proudly present to you the SWL LXXXVI All Stars, eleven of the greatest thrillers, killers, and mechanical drillers the Wastes have ever seen!

Impak responded to the demise of his old friend, and very long time team-mate, Happy Dancer, the only way he knows, by continuing his outstanding season of killing fools and scoring mad points. A massive 8 TDs and 7 Casualties, all-but destroying three teams all on his own, with only the troll-slaying Giants and all-round brutal Stripes holding him out. He's put himself up for another season, huge retain fees, who wouldn't pay out for that sort of magic?! Dsspite protestations from the pointy-eared contingent that the orc with the heart of gold (and the knuckledusters of mithril) shouldn't be captain, Impak got the vote, especially as we haven't had such a mean, green monster leading the All Stars for quite some time...

Initially a surprising choice for the line of scrimmage, Krycek is quite the smallest of the three players on the line, and although those spots are usually held for big guys with hearts of gold and fists of stone, this lineman put the boot into so many downed players this season that he had to get an All-Star scroll. 25 fouls is more than most teams make in a season, and having smashed two knees in SWL LXXXVI, Krycek led the Fowlers to the Premiership, where we expect he'll carry on stamping as long as he possibly can.

Is there anything left to be said about Manshape Gutwart? Ladyshape, Girlshape and Babyshape (not to mention Happy Dancer) all failed to outlast the most professional troll still alive in the Southern Wastes, and having been persuaded out of semi-retirement to help out with a few impromptu matches this season, he still managed to do more blocks in six games than any other player managed in seven. With only three casualties this season, some cynics suggest he's losing his touch, but unlike his colleague Uncleshape, at least he's never eaten one of his own teammates. (At least, not on the pitch.)

If there's one thing that Mobad Namimdigr hates, it's linemen; this season he killed two linemen and seriously injured four more (well, Jóreiðr Kollsveinns was just a lineman who'd learned the joys of frenzy, right?). Whether his placement on the line for the All Stars was a prank, in the hope of the crowd getting to see some of their beloved internal conflict at the presentation, or serious because of his division leading block and casualty rate, or the gleam of the Touchstone Heart proving that 90% of success is turning up more than everyone else can, nobody in their right mind is going to argue with the Tlaxltan Terror. Could we be looking a eleven lizards in the All Stars next season?

From a bath of blood to an actual blood bath when the initial team roster was published, Kindra Voidrunner has been a firm fan favourite throughout her career with the 'Dynasty. Things turned nasty when the committee suggested that Cheetah would be captain ("he's already had it!") or Impak ("he's a has-been") but the malefic maiden was mollified when the frightened officials pointed out the Duke Snakefield trophy is far more impressive. And what an impression Voidrunner made this season, with ten casualties from 67 blocks, on top of the stack of SPP she harvested while not tearing the hearts from players' chests.

With the Dynasty vanishing faster than Nikk Three-horn with the Darkside Cowboys cheerleading squad, there'll always be a question about whether these elves would have done a double in the Premier, but there's no mystery about how successful Voidrunner would have been if she'd continued.*

* Rumours that she's decided to leave retirement in order to coach a sevens team of halflings in the Naggarond Very Little League are as yet unsubstantiated

Avoiding the All Stars Curse, Cheetah continued to amaze and frustrate opponents in equal measure. People claim an AG5 elf is only good for prancing around, but the pointy eared cool cat was spotted putting the hurt on just as many players as he scored touchdowns. An ugly tussle with his fellow elf (as reported elsewhere) almost had him denied the captaincy, but a few polite words from Socrates, grand old man of the committee, kept everyone straight. Muttering continues that the era of elfball is at an end, but we expect great things are still to come as Cheetah gives everyone else paws for thought.

Image Image
Herbad Ith and Aeneas both qualified for the All Stars by scoring 9 touchdowns apiece. They're very different creatures; one is a repulsive, weedy little thing with cold blood and scales ... and the other is a lizard. While Aeneas' natural pace allowed him to zoom to a league-leading 163 yards rushing, the stunty with the golden hands was only 9 yards behind him. With Ith's pace even better than that of Aeneas, some pundits have suggested there's funny goings-on in the Cult of the Firedrake, but surely that's just religious prejudice against lizardmen. If neither of these attractively squishy players get stamped to death in the next season, we'd expect at least one of them to attain Legendary status before the season is up.

Dwarfs are like buses, the old proverb goes; dirty, smelly, and you wait ages and then two come along at once. Hilbor Bronzecarver put the lie to that last bit by waiting until Torgan Silvermead was dead before starting to show there was more than one long legged dwarf who was capable of executing the Giants' running game. As already pointed out, you don't get to the All Stars for scoring touchdowns unless you can do nine of them, and that's precisely what Bronzecarver carved out of the Conferences this season. Another headlong charge by the Dwarfs to the top of the League next season? We wouldn't rule it out with this surprisingly long-legged shortarse in the mix...

As we've complained, it's just typical that, given the ball, an elf's first instinct is to throw it away, usually to another pointy-eared fop. Maybe the long-heralded rule changes from the NAF, intended to make lineelfs behave more like orcs for a change, will put a stop to this nonsense. But it'll be too late to prevent the lamentably named David Kirk from throwing the ball more than 120 yards this season, averaging more than 2 completions per game. Jim and Bob continue to make noises about these elves and their eccentric names, but their complaints are nothing in the face of that ball throwing skill.

Finally, as we draw to the end of the presentation, you might be wondering about that persistent tick-tick-ticking noise? That's the metronomically murderous sound of Cronus slaughtering his way to a second consecutive All Star scroll. 12 casualties in the typically robust setting of the Premiership demonstrate once more why this little rat is to be feared. A near-constant contributor to the death watch in LXXVI, Cronus killed a hobgoblin, pinched an elf's nerves, seriously concussed a gutter runner and, er, strained the groin of a big lizard Still not quite filling the enormous, and disgusting, boots of the dearly departed Salamoneous, but it won't be much longer before there's a new candidate for the Greatest Mutant Rat of the Warpstones.... (spoiler alert, it's probably never going to be a Rat Ogre....)

Who's going to be an All Star this season? Does your team have what it takes? Bring your meek, bring your weak, bring your players with jaws of teak, and see who can challenge to be the superest of all superstars!

(And in the meantime, check out the constellations illuminating the wastes right now...)

LXXVI All Stars
Mabad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Krycek, Federated Fowlers
Manshape Gutwart, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Hilbor Bronzecarver, Blue Mountain Giants
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins

LXXXVI Prem Stars
Kindra Voidrunner, Druchii Dynasty
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Ender Espisay,
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Mabad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Bruiser, Crazy Beard Express
Elon Laissez-Faire, Druchii Dynasty
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz

LXXXVI Conference Stars
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Hilbor Bronzecarver, Blue Mountain Giants
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Murder Thunder, Blood Crag Stripes
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Lumuma, Cold Rock
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Krycek, Federated Fowlers
Tuck Longbarrel, Blue Mountain Giants
Khograhk Bronzeheart, Bronzed Raiders

LXXXVI Rising Stars
Banba Tricus, Eternal Widowmakers
Bruialground Berewick, Play Fetch
Fraulein Wird Nicht Aufhören zu Hüpfen, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Diamond Handz, Tuff Gitz
Edda Thomin, Eternal Widowmakers
Eurclea Fearlock, Eternal Widowmakers
Manshape Gutwort, Singed Poor Scoundrels
Femme Fatale, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Pinkeye Growthspurt, Singed Poor Scoundrels
One Point Five, Social Distance
Lucky for Some, Bingo at the Bowlo

The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a deranged Norseman from the Job Centre in Blackwater, a non existent giant rat, an elf and three goblins inside an overcoat. With the Norseman returning to studying some kind of eldritch arts, there's room for new blood (or vampires) on the committee - all applicants welcome!


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 19, 2021 - 07:07 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Four

"A week late and a dollar short, as they say, Bob."
"Don't you mean weak, late, and Dolfar Longstride is short?"
"Don't confuse him with a dwarf, Bob. Anyway, let's rush through these before anyone notices how tardy we've been..."

Image Puerto Escondido, puckered up by Wolfgang Puck. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Nothing much to say about a rookie rat, is there...?"

Image Herbad Fer, doesn't like the taste of Chocolate. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"Always good to see Lizardmen beating each other up for a change."
"Do you think they think they taste like chicken?"

Image Waffle, wafflestomped by Mobad Namimdigr. Lizardman Chameleon Skink, 66 SPP.
"We don't often see a Chameleon Skink die, do we?"
"Yeah, it's odd that. Couldn't possibly say why."

Image Flower Angry, rearranged into a new display by an exploding bouquet flung by the eternal bridesmaid, Bomber Dribblesnot. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.

Image Twitbooble, squished into a foul and disgusting stain by Murder Thunder. Ogre Gnoblar, 2 SPP.
"Well we didn't see that coming."
"Twitbooble certainly didn't!"

Image Kevin Whitehammer, nailed by Marrakhi Daemonfire. Norse Lineman, 3 SPP.
"That negligent negligee-wearing Norseman must be feeling the burn!"
"What, from the sun?
"No, from Daemonfire!"
"Jim, you know I'm the one who does the laboured puns..."

Image Grant Fox, not so fantastic after a run-in with Zanni. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image La Signora, Block by Craig Green. Elf Thrower, 18 SPP.
"They say it's not over til the fat lady sings... well, she was making some kind of awful racket when that elf with the made-up name hit her, but the show's over now..."

Image Salah ad-Din, now just a has-been after being sermonised by Reverend Boyle de Feathers. Underworld Thrower, 4 SPP.

Image Nobody ever tuned in to see Wogan with as much Enthusiasm as that. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"It's come to this, Bob?"
"We're making obscure references to cabalvision chatshows from Albion that were last broadcast three decades ago?"
"Looks like it... Although technically speaking, it's only been 29 years."
"Bob, I'm speechless."
"I wish."

Image Taj Burrow, left underground by Loranda Hagborn. Elf Blitzer, 3 SPP.
"'Burrow'? Sure his first name isn't 'Warren'? How many more joke names are those elves going to try to sneak past us?"

Image Arturo Sanchez, suffered from too much Mayhem. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Errol Flynn, did a lot of derring-do, now more like derring-don't after a hit from Malice Bleakheart. Elf Catcher, 0 SPP.
"As they say, 'in like Flynn'."
"'In the ground like Flynn', I think you'll find..."
"Well, as a rookie elf he certainly made a big impression."
"On the turf."

Well, that was quite a lot of deaths to be getting on with."
"Don't forget the curse, Jim!"
"There's no curse Bob!"
"Ha! Tell that to:"

Image Steel Wind, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Murder Thunder, 3 kills. Gouged Eye
Image Kullo Ironflagon, 2 kills. Serious Concussion
Image Úlfar Úlfarson, 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Leigh Diffey, 1 kill. Fractured Skull

"With the best intention, Bob, you can't possibly blame five minor head injuries on a curse. What are we, Khemri tomb raiders?"
"If you refuse to believe me, never mind. Just take a look at all the broken players from that round, and explain why people keep getting hurt, if it's not a curse!"

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 21, 2021 - 05:56 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Five

"Hang on, weren't we in the studio just a couple of days ago? It feels like we've never left!"
"We haven't, Bob. The pile of corpses is so large nobody's been able to get the door open."
"Oh, well then I guess we should just get on with it!"

Image Chen Kenichi III, back for a third time and then Offa he went. Halfling, 0 SPP.
"0 SPP? His career was as short as he was!"

Image Triple Choc Chip, suffered some freezer burn from Snow Scare. Lizardman Saurus, 0 SPP.

Image Schnooglebeef, schnoogleblocked by Mobad Namimdigr. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.

Image Bharzth Coalheart, going down the mine and never coming back after a block by Rolf Stonewall. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 7 SPP.
"Always nice to see two dwarfish teams beating each other up!"

Image Clown couldn't turn his frown upside down after a hit by Drop Beargrills. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image George A. Romero, will be spending a lot more of his time making movies after a thumping from Greygerd Ged. Necromantic Zombie, 9 SPP.

Image Nacole, on the dole after a run-in with Geodude. Underworld Goblin , 0 SPP.

"Well Bob, in this show you get to see the end of the careers of a lot of experienced players. And also all the players who died this week."
"Yes, there's no Salamoneous there, is there?"
"Wait for next week - I'm sure there's a few treats coming up in week six!"
"That's less than two days away, by my watch..."

And speaking of watches, how about the [b]Curse Of The Death Watch{/b]?

Image Magenta, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Image Gard Hammersmite, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Image Arlecchino, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Cronus, Block * 9 kills. Broken Jaw
Image Tough, Block * 2 kills. Damaged Back

That's right - almost more injuries from the Curse of the Death Watch than Deaths in the Death Watch. What madness is this? Now sit back, relax, and regard the parade of pain as we try to get things ready for the next week's show...

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 23, 2021 - 07:34 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Six

In ascending order of experience, here's the results for this week:

Image Jacinta Barrett, blocked with great Enthusiasm. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Evander Grottyorc, taught a thing or two by James, the Darker Arts Tutor. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Cameron Baily, rhymes with daily but the closest he gets to that is mourning, blocked by Refr Hi?rrson. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"If we could spell Refr's name properly, we'd give him a prize for bullying people much smaller than him..."

Image Cyclops, Block by Ernesto Guevara. Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Devil, exorcised by Bruiser. Nurgle Rotter, 2 SPP.

Image Shawn Fitzpatrick, hit while lying on the floor with a very large book by Allan, Bible Basher. High Elf Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Shipstern, turned hard to port, then put beyond the pale by Cromwell. Skaven Gutter Runner, 3 SPP.

Image Akitamal Breagan, fell victim to total Mayhem. Dark Elf Lineman, 6 SPP.

Image Perithel Pyre-Builder, given two heads by Hydra. Wood Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"You don't often see a wood elf with two heads."
"Two half heads is almost as good, right?"

Image Godlike, deicided by the hard-to-spell boots of Þorviðr Þrándrson. Human Blitzer, 24 SPP.

Image Antiope Stell, went to the circus and never came back after she was impressed by Harlequin II. Amazon Catcher, 32 SPP.
"I've always said you can't have nice things."
"Well, you can't have +ST Amazon catchers for long, Jim..."

Curse Of The All Stars
Image Cheetah, a big cat that got a bite taken out of him by Nathaniel Dogsbody. High Elf Catcher, 167 SPP.
"That's the biggest hit in two seasons! Nothing's removed so many SPP since Torgan Silvermead took his dirt nap."
"The polite term is 'permanent vacation in the mines of Moria', Bob!"

Curse of the Death Watch
Image Offa, Block * 1 kill. Damaged Back
Image Ernesto Guevara, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Image Edda Thomin, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Image Cheetah, Block * 1 kill. Dead

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Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Jul 28, 2021 - 06:48 Reply with quote Back to top

The Awards Show!
With T & P.

P: We're back again, Terence. The Twahnlows still showing off the finest of SWL's talent each and every season.

T: That they do, Phillip, and Twahn himself may just be keeping an eye on the show this season!

P: No pressure, then.

T: Loving it.

P: So who's won what?

The SWL LXXXVI Team Achievements

T: There's an ongoing "work to rule" strike, in the data accumulation snotlings pool, they're complaining of lack of respect and undue being eaten by trolls. Where, I think we could all stand appreciate the wee guys being eaten by trolls much more often, in SWL.

Turns (1149): Chaos All Sorts
Completions (12): Mexican Standoff & Furnamii
TDs (15): Banner of the Black Stag
Cas (22): Banner of the Black Stag
SPP (89): Banner of the Black Stag
Passing yards (61): Mexican Standoff
Rushing yards (241): Banner of the Black Stag
Blocks (358): Heroes before the Fall
Fouls (37): Zealots of Change
Blocks/Cas (13.00): Celebrity Chefs FC
Pass/Cp (5.08): Mexican Standoff
Kills (5, 8 spp): Heroes Before the Fall

Turns (1114): Play Fetch
Completions (19): Amateur Professionals
TDs (19): Play Fetch & Ouch in a Pouch
Cas (30): Crazy Beard Express
SPP (105): Play Fetch
Passing yards (84): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (288): Play Fetch
Blocks (332): Social Distance
Fouls (33): Social Distance
Blocks/Cas (10.08): Crazy Beard Express
Pass/Cp (4.50): Play Fetch
Kills (5, 109 spp): Eternal Widowmakers

Turns (1079): Cult of the Firedrake
Completions (8): Federated Fowlers
TDs (11): Cold Rock, Bronzed Raiders
Cas (25): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (85): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (27): Federated Fowlers
Rushing yards (223): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks (386): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (20): Bronzed Raiders
Blocks/Cas (13.27): Bronzed Raiders
Pass/Cp (3.67): Skelligen Spoilers
Kills (3, 21spp): Concussion Protocol

P: That was shorter than usual, they're still lining up outside, what's Maester Whippy got for us, Terence?

T: You'll never guess who the best Big Guy is, or who the best little guy could be when there's almost none of them playing any more!

P: I could probably guess the big guy, he's quite vocal about his achievements, and it's not like you can outrun him if you forget to say.

T: You'd think prem would slow him down, but no. No it did not.

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
Image Nigella Lawson (Celebrity Chefs FC) 9 spp
Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) 29 spp

P: Nigella's recovering from her final SWL game in traction, but I'm sure she'll appreciate the unlimited cones go with the award.

T: Everyone's finally in, settle down now, it's time for the show!

The SWL Season LXXXVI Awards

T: Eleven new teams started in the regions, trying desperately to skill up their young players before hitting the main competition in the SWL Conferences.

Image Image Teahupoo (Furnamii) & Image Merrick Grumnirson (Banner of the Black Stag) 8 TDs
Image Image Professor Oak (Celebrity Chefs FC) 11 cas
Image Image Aileen (Furnamii) & Image Muddle (Chaos All Sorts) 112 turns
Image Image Elder J. Ryan Phirramid, III (Blackwater Saltminers) 131 rushing yards
Image Image Mundaka (Furnamii) 28 pass yards
Image Image Malkus Skeletonsmasher (SWL Dorruks) 13 fouls
Image Image Professor Oak (Celebrity Chefs FC) 76 blocks
Image Image Mundaka (Furnamii) 10 cps
Image Image Leigh Diffey (Expat Express) 4.8 block/cas
Image Image Leigh Diffey (Expat Express) 7 pass/cp

Image Image Enthusiasm (Heroes Before the Fall) 27 SPP

T: Strong team performances saw conferences taken by the senior Crazy Beard Express and younger squad Play Fetch. Few teams able to keep up with either of them, the damage output of the first, and sheer scoring ability from anywhere of the second.

P: It's the scoring counts in the end, Terence, for wins, and thus promotions.

T: Yes, but that's relatively easy once the other has no players left, Phillip.

Image Image Aeneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 12 TDs
Image Image Macropounder (Ouch in a Pouch) 8 cas
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) & ImageLockdown (Social Distance) & ImageVaxinator (Social Distance) 112 turns
Image Image Aeneus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 186 rushing yards
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 85 pass yards
Image Image Swabbie (Social Distance) 30 fouls
Image Image Buck Shelford (Amateur Professionals) 75 blocks
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 14 cpsSteel Wind
Image Image Carnivore (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 3.8 block/cas
Image Image Time Again (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 6.25 pass/cp

Image Image Nathanial Dogsbody (Play Fetch) 39 SPP

T: With three Lizards in prem, with Dorfs and Chorfs to cut up the wee ones, and Humans and Norse to fearlessly fight back, it was Cold Rock came out on top with strong late run.

Image Image Walk Fame (Blood Crag Stripes) 9 TDs
Image Image Critter (Federated Fowlers) & Image Chocolate (Cold Rock) 8 cas
Image Image Mobad Rilmiod (Cult of the Firedrake) 112 turns
Image Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) 188 rushing yards
Image Image Harry (Federated Fowlers) & Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 15 pass yards
Image Image Rakomu (Bronzed Raiders) 18 fouls
Image Image Chocolate (Cold Rock) 75 blocks
Image Image Harry (Federated Fowlers) & Image Torduken (Bronzed Raiders) 5 cps
Image Image Critter (Federated Fowlers) 5.75 block/cas
Image Image Giles (Federated Fowlers) 4 pass/cp

Image Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) 29 SPP

T: With Cah being such a powerful force in scoring and not bad in hitting either, why didn't the Ogres do better up there, Phillip?

P: Prem's a fine balance of timing, agression, and careful positioning, and Ogres are just always full of holes on both offense and defense, or something like that.

T: So were the Elf teams this season, tragic most of them.

P: Never count out a Wood Elf team, with Loec's Loggers making prem, always a spot of luck away from taking any game.

T: And a spot of unluck away from having no players left on the pitch.

P: Should have seen the Dwarfs in prem this season, Blue Mountain Giants getting smashed game after game. It can happen to anyone.

T: True enough, and it'll happen to someone next season in SWL, for sure. Congrats to Cah, first big guy we know of to take home the Duke Snakefield Medallion.

*team stats may be some time, snotling strikes are notorious for no one really caring about the wellbeing of snotlings.
**Cheers to MrC for the kill stats.
***Shraaaag's for the team stats, yay, snotling strike ended and footage edited to fill in missing stats. Back to work!
****Also, Candlejack's for the quick player firsts.
*****And SWL for being awesome.


Last edited by tussock on Aug 02, 2021 - 05:19; edited 3 times in total

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 30, 2021 - 02:53 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVII Week Seven

"Another quiet week."
"Quiet as the grave, you might say."

Image Columbina II, off to the columbarium after tripping on a dodge and dying, as only elf catchers can do. Elf Catcher, 18 SPP.

Image Julius Strongeagle, more of a lame duck after a crazy hit from Loco. Necromantic Zombie, 11 SPP.

Image Bacura, returned to the soil by Brooks Mudman. Amazon Linewoman, 10 SPP.

Image Jamie Oliver, going back to the kitchen, after being squashed flat as a dishcloth by Leigh Diffey. Halfling Hefty, 2 SPP.

Image Gary Whetton, whetted the appetite of Euryclea Fearlock. *High Elf Catcher, 96 SPP.

Image Brian Viletree, ironically uprooted by a foul from Godhild Attacotti. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Chevelle 5th, slowed down forever by Mega. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"I guess you could say Mega turned him into a minor!"
"I ... er, guess so?"

Image Facemask, ripped off and chucked in the bin by Thyla the Unseen. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"It's not often you see a bunch of weedy rats beat up on some stinking monsters, but that was the day..."

"Hang on, is that all we got? Eight deaths? Hardly seemed worth turning up for!"
"They don't call it the gentle game for nothing, Bob."
"They never called it the gentle game before, Jim!"
"Maybe they're saving themselves for the new rules..."
"65 deaths though, Jim. It's not been that poor a showing since ... SWL LXXIV?"
"Cheer up Bob. A lot of them will need more than an IV..."
"Oh well, I guess I should cheer myself up by looking at the Curses..."
"There's no -"
"There's no what, Jim?"
"Never mind. Do what makes you happy, Bob..."

Curse Of The Death Watch
Image Critter, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Julius Strongeagle, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Cronus, Block * 9 kills. Fractured Arm
Image Bacura, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Murder Thunder, Foul * 3 kills. Fractured Arm
Image Tooth Roll, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Takharth Stoneheart, Block * 3 kills. Gouged Eye
Image Greygerd Ged, Block * 2 kills. Broken Jaw
Image Drop Beargrills, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Smashed Hand

Well that was a bumper result - for the first time, the Curse of the Death Watch struck more than the number of players killed this week. Cronus is probably thinking about taking a nice break before the next season...

Curse Of The All Stars (inaugural edition)
Image Krycek, Block by Snow Scare. Human Lineman, Smashed Hand.

Image Herbad Ith, Block by David Fasteagle. Lizardman Skink, Fractured Skull.

Image Cronus, Block by Abraham Stickler. Underworld Blitzer, Broken Jaw.

Image Cheetah, Block by Nathaniel Dogsbody. High Elf Catcher, Dead.

Image Cronus, Block by Battery II. Underworld Blitzer, Fractured Arm.

"Enough stats! Line up the injured players from this week, and let's kick them all out the door!"

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 30, 2021 - 03:57 Reply with quote Back to top

We never said that, did we? Regional Predictions Revisited

Image Zealots of Change
With the Druchii 'Dynasty' preferring to quit at the top of their game, their Norse coach decided it was time to go for the slightly slighter choice of Underworld. As long as there's no tackle to worry about, those goblins should be surprisingly durable.
Third highest casualties sustained in the Regionals put the lie to these underworld denizens being particularly durable, but solid hitting by the warpstone addicts kept a respectable -1 cas diff. And only one dead goblin by the end of the season.

Image Blackwater Saltminers
With 2 wins in 2 trials, the Saltminers have escaped serious injury so far, and bring a full squad of those bearded wonders to the league. With as much Block as a sauna full of Vikings in chainmail bikinis, this team is going to hit hard from the start, and probably not stop...
A respectable 14 casualties inflicted meant the Saltminers weren't as violent as we'd expected, but these softhanded dwarves still did enough to finish as runners-up in the Regionals. Will be interesting to see if they collide with the Giants on their way up...

Image Blocky Horror Chaos Show
Possibly the only Chaos team in the league this season, the Show had a poor start to things with a 3-1 drubbing by a team of out-of-work warpstone addicts, but these mutant horrors will mature by the end of this season into a hard hitting horror show. As long as they don't die early on, we pity whoever plays them in round 7...
With the Chaos All Sorts and the Chaos Show ending in a 1-0 win to the Show, without a single serious injury, the bloodthirsty fans of the Death Watch were mightily disappointed. After a good start, the Show hit a lull mid-season, before finding their form again near the end. (Or should that read as "murdering defenceless halflings"?)

Image Mexican Standoff
After a short interlude, the Mexicans return with a team that's made up almost entirely of linemen. Never mind that, they clearly believe they can ride on the continuing affections of their fans for a few matches, and with two recent wins and the regular annoying elf skills like Wrestle and Kick already on the roster, they're probably prepared for a pretty powerful comeback.
By the end of the season, the Mexicans had the second-worst casualty differential in the division. As the only team to beat the eventual winners of the division, the Standoff had something going for them, but it wasn't the high scoring pointy-eared madness our pundits had tipped.

Image Expat Express
As if two seasons of playing lightly armoured stunties wasn't enough, the goblins are replaced this season by a bunch of pointy eared fops with silly names. Will we see 'Mel Gibson' topping the SPP charts in seven more games, or Stu Wilsoned off the pitch in no time?
Well, we didn't see Mel Gibson topping anything apart from the Death Watch report. The Express showed alarming consistency when it came to elves dying, but struggled after a savage beating by the 'Show in their third league game, immediately followed by an omelette-winning beat-em-up against their cousins from Naggarond. Rumours have it the Expats are being replaced by something more durable, and very very dead, for next season.

Image Chaos All Sorts
Eight touchdowns and nine casualties in their first two games back suggest the Chaos All Sorts might be quite a treat to watch in their comeback season. We have Bedlam picked out as a Maister Whippee contender, as one of the few Big Guys who can block down in the Regionals.
High hopes for Bedlam turned into disappointment for the fans when he did nothing more than break a dwarf's jaw in his second game. However, sharpened fingernails suggest he may have a stand-out run next season, just before the NAF are rumoured to be banning that combination of big fists and pointy claws...

Image Banner of the Black Stag
After a lot of remarks early on about Norsemen, it's strange that it's taken this long to find a team of them competing in the division this time. Fans are already calling this team a disgrace due to the lack of Frenzy - whether Earp took the second-worst skill in the game on his skill up just as a Norse rope-a-dope so he can pick Frenzy next, or if the team have some other plans, we can only guess. But the Banner will either be raised high again or dragged through the dirt in seven games' time...
Well, we said the banner might be raised high, and with the Norse going 5-1-1 they take the Regional cup. Everyone at Fun H.Q. is glad to see there's only a single Guard Norseman on the team, and a crowd-pleasing five Frenzy players shows somebody was paying attention to what we said here. Congratulations on your triumphant return! And now please, put some more clothes on.

Image Har Ganeth Hellebores
If there was an award for the hardest start, the Hellebores would probably have already clinched it, with the two bloodiest Trials of Blood so far this season. With a dead elf and two more retired in their first match, and another corpse in their second game, these fops are probably aiming to coax a lot of petty cash from the Bank of Naggarond to pay for some sweet, sweet inducements early on.
Somebody said Dark Elves weren't meant to be good at hitting people, but with the Hellebores curiously conceding exactly as many TDs as they scored, it was clearly violence they had on their minds, joint 2nd for casualties inflicted, making up for an injurious start in the Trials of Blood. Will sixth place be enough to promote or will they be in the Regionals for another season?

Image Heroes before the Fall
A strong showing in their trials sets up this undead team for success, although the inaccurately named Resilience retired before they'd even made it to the league proper. Another team making the unsporting choice of Guard on a Mummy, when everyone knows you take Thick Skull first, right?
Solid mid-table performance for the Heroes, but as proven by the Banner of the Black Stag, you don't win glory by putting Guard on players, you punch and foul until your opponents start crying. And then you start playing your match. Thankfully, there's enough Mighty Blow and Dirty Player on this team for the angry gallery to be happy, and standout player Enthusiasm looks like he'll be a long term threat.

Image SWL Dorruks
Well, we thought the Chaos All Stars were committed to violence, but with 14 casualties in the Dorruks' inaugural two games, the green skinned guys with a twinkle in their eyes (Pinkeye, have you been drinking paint again?) may be cruising past them for some tasty Death Watch trophies. We're going to place a bet right now that Duluk 'Deluxe' Zombieeagle is going to show up in the Regionals Rising Stars in a couple of months, although being the first guy in the division with Mighty Blow and Tackle might also be akin to coach npe painting a target on his back...
Third place for the Dorruks came on the back of 21 casualties, the robust greenskins enjoying the best cas differential in the division, only pipped by the unbeatable Crazy Beard Express for best cas differential in the entire league. Zombieeagle averaged more than one casualty per game, and the young team should have a good time in the big league, especially absent any big claw teams to tear them open...

Image Furnamii
Causing almost as much carnage as the Hellebores in their first trial match, the crowds are keen to see if the traditionally fragile Skaven live up to their reputation. Check back here before Sunday...
Early on, the Furnamii seemed desperate to sacrifice a player called La Graviere in every single match. A lack of budget meant there wasn't time to replace their third La Graviere for a few games, precluding further sacrifice, and with La Graviere IV skipping the last game with a bust leg, we can only guess at how many more La Graviere graves there could have been. The mice delivered a lot of touchdowns and a fair few casualties, but when you have five dead rats in seven games, there's a lot of holes for opponents to charge through...

ImageCelebrity Chefs FC
Getting their first victory in the closing hours of this season, it goes to show you can't keep a good halfling down. Well, you can if you put your foot on them, but Professor Oak and Wolfgang Puck are two timbery titans that terrorise the deep end of the league.

Any bets on next season?


Joined: May 29, 2011

Post   Posted: Aug 05, 2021 - 12:29 Reply with quote Back to top


This season, the southern wastes were cursed by a deluge of lizards. Big lizards, small lizards, lizards invisible to the naked eye, they infested the Premiership, with their terrifying coldblooded ways and the strange way they all taste like chicken. Rumours had abounded for weeks that snakemen were infiltrating the All Star Committee to meddle with the results, but as the traditional parade through town was led by a bunch of zombified snotlings in a pump wagon, it was clear that everything was back to normal and there'ssss nothing ssstrange about any of the ressssultssss for the All Ssssstarsss this seasssson. Here'sss the full breakdown:

Professor Oak started a fine season (normally enough for a Big Guy Sundae) in fine form, serving up the hurt on a Zombie. After a four-fling surf by the Mexicans, he raged, hurting three and seriously concussing another, almost every hit sending an elf from the pitch, and fouls too when they wouldn't stand back up. Next up he hurt a Troll no less! A most annoying wrestler was the prime target in the team's heroic tie vs Furnamii. Unusually, only a KO vs the Blag Stag as his head-butting tactics failed him, but that just warmed him up for the Blocky Horror Show, seriously concussing one and all but killing another. Carried that form against the Expats, with one hurt and a broken neck giving them the space to earn their first win of the season in the last game. Always making a mark, always giving it his all, and he doesn't even have Block, just two strong arms to hit folks with. Imagine what could've been if he didn't spend most of the mid season throwing his team-mates at people, eh.

What does it take to win Prem? Chocolate. Lots of Chocolate blocks. We've seen a different sort of Chocolate in the all stars before, this is the new style. In just his third season, a fairly young team around him, but Gnoblars couldn't handle the sweetness of this tackling Saurus and he was the only Saur to stay on the pitch against the Ogres. The wee Skinks of the other two big Lizard teams couldn't get away from him it once he perfected his delicious elf-like dodges and bagged a few of them too. Not to mention the poor unfortunate Dwarfs. Only one rough game for him, against the Chorfs, but late season after Waffle was taken from them, he lead the team well. More blocks given out than anyone else in prem, and free target selection getting him as many casualties as anyone out of it, just the most popular flavour by miles, classic Chocolate blocks.

Looming into undeniable contention to round out the line is none other than the Ogre who is what it says on the tin… the Carnivore may have lost a pace of speed, but this boy is definitely getting his protein from somewhere with that bulk. He didn’t throw a staggering amount of Blocks this season, maybe the opposition unsportingly ran off from the lumbering brute? But those hits he did make most certainly connected, with a league beating 3.8 Block to Cas ratio. Maybe if the coach can channel that hunger for meat into consistent on-field aggression, avoid the dreaded Ogre-dribbles, and get in a good off-season of cardio, the big fella could be the one to (death) watch next season.

Rushing, rushing, rushing his team back into Prem contention is the Rodent with the unpronounceable name, Aeneas. It certainly pays to be the best of a bad bunch as you run home more TDs than anyone in the League, let alone the Division. ‘Sharing is caring’ dubbed ‘loser squeak’ by the biggest scoring gun in the league. Quite how you do that while moving slower than an Ogre, co-Cah-ugh, appears to be a mystery, but then so does the existence of man sized rodents at all… punching his way into Legend-ary status in the last season, this little rodent now has to brawn to back up the attitude, and we feel this multi-time All Star wont have seen the last of the All Star Scrolls in his personal Odyssey in the Southern Wastes.

With a name that’s more than a mouthful to chew on, Nathaniel Dogsbody continued the tradition of outstanding achievement in the field of excellence we’ve come to expect from the furry critters of SWL. The SWL does love its puppies, and Dogsbody is shaping up to be quite the specimen. A career that started with him treatin opponents like chew-toys, swung around to playing ball with some of the best, until he now em-bodies ahem quite the all-rounder. A terror to the other scorers of the league, and no slouch when it comes to a prancing display himself, he has all the earmarks of a purebred terror in the making. As a key component of his teams dominant rise to Prem we're sure Nathaniel will prove to be the Bestest of Boys for the future.

A surprising lack of lizards in the All Stars (the fans' tip for the top, Murder Thunder, spent too much time sidelined with minor injuries, while the Curse of the All Stars left LXXXVI All Star Herbad Ith with a permanent headache) but Walk Fame sauntered his way onto the team list with 161 yards rushing and nine TDs. If Torgan Silvermead was still alive he might complain that he'd run further on shorter legs, but for a skink to be scoring more than once a match in an ever-increasingly violent Premiership meant the committee had to take notice and award a star to the Stripes' runner par excellence

The Federeated Fowlers were up against it in prem this season. Three Lizards, Dwarfs, Chorfs, and Norse. Critter just grinned ear to ear, because adding the Ogres to that there was four teams full of stunties to hunt, and avoiding the big guys in return just adds to the fun. Eight cas, including four serious, even hurt a Dwarf. In a menacing prem, that's great work, he'd have had more but the teams hunted him too, and when they got him the Fowlers struggled to stay in the game. Key piece for them, great contributor in their wins and ties, no one matched him in season LXXXVII. With just 21 games to his name, he'll be a powerful force for some time to come, great contributor for an all star team.

With a perfect season record, 7 wins from The Crazy Beard Express (including a walkover) was a brilliant return after narrowly dropping out of the top flight last season. How does one perform such a remarkable feat? Quite literally by running a Stampede through your opposition with a brilliant two-way player. Agile, fleet of hoof, with elite tackling prowess, Stampede is equally able to hold the backfield, allowing a measly 2 touchdowns against all season whilst inflicting a number of casualties on would be scorers. Equally, with vice-like hands, uncanny speed and the renowned Bull Centaur staying power Stampede rushed for a whopping 178 yards and 8 TDs. Stay out of the Mufasa-ing way, the Stampede is here.

The success of the Amateur Professionals in SWL (including a first ever title for the High Elves) has been oft attributed to many factors, however one constant has been the requirement for strong presence in the backfield, able to make the plays, digging the ball out of awkward positions and finding space where none should be available. Filling the shoes of the agile Loveridge was never going to be easy, however David Kirk's performances were one of the shining lights in what was a tough season for the Amateurs. Favouring raw strength, effort & a fierce training regime over natural speed and talent Kirk threw for an impressive 85 yards & 14 completions for the season - nearly 60 yards clear of his nearest rival across all divisions. Not only that, but a healthy training regime has paid dividends. Kirk didn't miss a turn of play for the entire season, such was the faith his coach had in his ability.

There is nothing that says maintaining an appropriately Social Distance like finding yourself face down after having been smashed in the face by the opposition. Nothing like having a group of his biggest, ugliest mates surround you whilst your coach screams for the referee (who is incidentally counting the contents of suspiciously bulging money-sack). Certainly nothing like a deformed, rotting being somewhere between in the midst of a short lived half-life grinning maniacally whilst slavishly smashing boot, body and bile-laden maw into you with wanton abandon. Yet that is what coach Torquemada demanded, and what first time all-star Swabbie delivered with brutal efficiency & LRB4 results. 30 fouls, 6 players Knocked Out, 4 so Badly Hurt they were unable to continue (including an apothecary draw), a Smashed Hip and a Smashed knee. Ouch. Rumour has it the other All Stars demanded him on their team so he wasn't against them.

Normally the captaincy of the All Stars generates all sorts of controversy about which egomaniac will demand to be the most important, but this season Cah, the plus-size gentleman with a heart of gold and fists of iron was happily accepted by everyone as their leader. Never big-headed (although occasionally boneheaded) he led Concussion Protocol through the first ever Ogre visit to the SWL Premiership. While most Ogres are known for walloping people, Cah scored more TDs than almost any other player in the Premiership, and while Walk Fame edged him on TDs, that little lizard couldn't match him for hot-blooded enthusiasm and all-round power. "Baby, you can drive my Cah" as the minstrels of the alehouses are already singing.

Professor Oak, Celebrity Chefs FC
Chocolate, Cold Rock
Carnivore, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Nathaniel Dogsbody, Play Fetch
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Stampede, Crazy Beard Express
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Swabbie, Social Distance
Cah, Concussion Protocol

LXXXVII Prem Stars
Cah, Concussion Protocol
Walk Fame, Blood Crag Stripes
Snickers, Cold Rock
Herbad Ith, Cult of the Firedrake
Critter, Federated Fowlers
Chocolate, Cold Rock
Mobad Namimdigr, Cult of the Firedrake
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders
Rakomu, Bronzed Raiders
Mobad Rilmiod, Cult of the Firedrake
Kofaer, Bronzed Raiders

LXXXVII Conference Stars
Nathaniel Dogsbody, Play Fetch
Aeneas, Styx αnd Warpstones
Stampede, Crazy Beard Express
Impak, Waaaaghton Redskins
Macropounder, Ouch in a Pouch
Carnivore, Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Buck Shelford, Amateur Professionals
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Swabbie, Social Distance
Lockdown, Social Distance
Diana Wynne Jones, Play Fetch

LXXXVII Rising Stars
Enthusiasm, Heroes Before the Fall
Teahupoo, Furnamii
Merrick Grumnirson, Banner of the Black Stag
Elder Ryan J. Phirramid, III, Blackwater Saltminers
Professor Oak, Celebrity Chefs FC
Malice Bleakheart, Har Ganeth Hellebores
Sloomah Treetooth, SWL Dorruks
Mundaka, Furnamii
Malkus Skeletonsmasher, SWL Dorruks
Muddle, Chaos All-Sorts
Liegh Diffy, Expat Express

The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a snotling turned necromancer, a rat snuck into a chaos team, an elf, and the usual three goblins in an overcoat. If you'd like to join the all-star committee, give us a whistle.


Joined: May 25, 2009

Post   Posted: Aug 13, 2021 - 12:03 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL SEASON LXXVII - On Second Thawt Conference LXXXVIII - Damned Lies and Statistics

After some thorough data collection and summary beatings our resident statistician has provided an overview of the upcoming Season 88 On Second Thawt Conference to truly tantalise your tastebuds.
The average TV size of teams competing is 1525, with 4 teams above and 4 teams below the average. Three teams top 1600TV, being Chaos All Sorts, Har Ganeth Hellebores and Heroes Before the Fall, and only one team drops below 1300TV. Coincidentally the five biggest teams in this conference are all recently promoted from Regionals and the smallest team is recently demoted from Premier.

The average number of games played by all teams is as low as 27, meaning that any team older than 4 seasons is a veritable antique. Four teams are only in their second season, with 9 games a piece, while only 2 teams have over 50 games, being the Chaos All Sorts and Concussion Protocol who are both coached by seasoned SWL campaigners.

Experience may be important but winning is even better and when it comes to winning percentages (wins per game) the average sits at just 49%, with 4 teams sitting above the magic 50% win percentage. The most winningest team are the Blackwater Saltminers, with a win percentage of 66%, while the least winningest team are Concussion Protocol, with a measly 28%.

This isn’t just a game of winning and losing though, and a hard fought draw is often almost as sweet as a draw. Three teams have a Draw percentage of greater than 30%, being the Heroes before the Fall, Concussion Protocol, and Chaos All Sorts, which could either be attributed to their ability to hold on tight enough. On the other side two team, Blocky Horror Chaos Show and Har Ganeth Hellebores, have a Draw % of only 11% meaning that these two teams go big or go home.

Onto the second most exciting statistic and we are going to look at average TD for and against per game.
The average TD For sits at 1.46 per game. Three teams seem to eclipse this mark being the Meeami DeadFins (1.70), Har Ganeth Hellebores (1.67), and Blackwater Saltminers (1.56), which should lead to some exciting score lines. On the flip side the team that scores the least is Concussion Protocol (1.12) who seemingly struggle to get points on the board.
The average TD Against sits at 1.18, with three teams able to keep their average down to 1.00 or below, being Meeami DeadFins (0.95), Blackwater Saltminers (1.00), and Heroes before the Fall (1.00). The leakiest sieve on the other hand are the Har Ganeth Hellebores (1.56) who seemingly haven’t quite figured out how to stop a cage.

Of course winning, losing and scoring touchdowns are not the reason why fans roll through the gates to watch this great game. We want to see BLOOD, and the good news is that these teams have a respectable average CAS For per Game of 2.38 and CAS Against per game of 2.12 so whichever way you slice it someone is going to be hurt.
The three teams that lay the hurt down on other teams are Chaos All Sorts (2.85), Har Ganeth Hellebores (2.67), and Heroes before the Fall (2.56), while the softest touch comes from Concussion Protocol (1.84) who just don’t seem to be landing hits as their size befits.
Unfortunately its not good news for Concussion Protocol who also manage to be the team most likely to be hurt with an average CAS Against per game of 3.98. I know Gnoblars are squishy, but surely they can step out of the way. The toughest team on the other hand is Blocky Horror Picture Show who manage to only suffer an average of 1.33 casualties each game.

Anyway that’s all from this statistician so good night and keep counting.

SWL the place to be.

If you're interested join the Fringe

Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Aug 25, 2021 - 02:15 Reply with quote Back to top

*** Did you know...

Leo, Bella, and Blake are triplets from the Rumster family. Their family descend from the ancient Clan Rumster, a clan famed for their Pies. The triplets hold the secret family recipe and bring a new variety to most games. The pie meat in the pies baked for the game vs Ophidia Infidels was green, but still very delicious.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 08, 2021 - 22:50 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch LXXXVIII Week One

Jim and Bob have been on a camping trip for the whole of the last month, so the usual weekly review of the casualty contributions has been a bit delayed. So here comes the first week of the show that all the cool kids are calling Swizzle Wizzle Lizzle Dizzle Wizzle!

Image Brushed Aside, and swept away by Loco. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Puntoroo, turned into flesh coloured goo by Grumpiness. Skaven Thrower, 20 SPP.

Image Loco, bought a ticket for the pain train from Macropounder. Chaos Dwarf Bull Centaur, 62 SPP.
"Or was that just the Curse of the Death Watch being extra prompt?
"For the last time Bob, there's no -"

Image Brooks Mudman, cleaned away by Cronus. Necromantic Flesh Golem, 32 SPP.
"- I don't want to interrupt you, Jim, but it's saying three kills for Mudman on this bit of parchment..."

Image Herbard Aern, more like Herbad in an urn after an encounter with Tariphel Treebane. Lizardman Skink, 5 SPP.

Image Jaffa, won't taste any better when he's stale, or after getting a big thump from Marrakhi Daemonfire. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.

Image Helm Steelforge, hammered flat by Duluk Zombieeagle. Dwarf Blitzer, 13 SPP.

Image Dryope Tolen, died after suffering a massive Impak. Amazon Thrower, 26 SPP.

Image Griff, reduced to nothing more than a whiff by Euryclea Fearlock. Orc Goblin , 0 SPP.

Image Harold, killed by Egill Þrasison. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"With the Amateur Professionals taking a week off from the carnage, looks like this was the collision of two of the most obviously made-up names I've ever seen..."

Image Boa Sandersonia, made sad by Brad. Amazon Blitzer, 8 SPP.

Image Professor U. Colby Stone, DD, had his qualifications torn away by Daniel Kilgore. Dwarf Trollslayer, 20 SPP.

Image Guru Ganguly G. Gidders, doubled up in pain as part of a double kill by Daniel Kilgore. Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.

Image Broken Straw, never getting repaired after a block by Azibo. Snotling Stilty Runna, 0 SPP.

Image Brantley Tiberus, overflowing the river banks with blood after a hit from the vowel-deprived Rsmses. Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Hieronymous Bosch, won't be inviting one back to see his paintings after a solid punch from Rocky Balboa. Vampire Thrall, 0 SPP.

Image Phizer, got the cure from Kurdan Wolfbleeder. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

Curse Of The Death Watch
Image Thyla the Unseen, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Loco, 2 kills. Dead
Image Brooks Mudman, 3 kills. Dead
Image Larithel Long-Knife, 1 kill. Smashed Hip
Image Mayhem, 2 kills. Broken Ribs
Image Reverend Boyle De Feathers, 1 kill. Smashed Ankle

Annoyingly, this was almost the first week since records began where the cursed shoelaces didn't claim a victim, until in a late game Darun the Friendless tripped over and smashed his hip. Please pay more attention to your knots, everyone!

And here's a line-up longer than the queue of people complaining about Pinkeye Growthspurt's body odour: everyone who got seriously hurt in week 1:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Apr 23, 2016

Post   Posted: Sep 08, 2021 - 23:32 Reply with quote Back to top


The Pies at the game against Silent Sydney were a bit gristly, but they went fast. Despite the odd bit of fur, the audience were very happy with the delicious meat and cheese pies!


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 14, 2021 - 03:08 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVIII Week Two

Image Proxius, close to glory before getting squashed by Mobad Tuilom. Underworld Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Iona Hacksaw, blunted by Detestation. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Ratchet Sass, will be giving no more backchat to Harry Haematoma. Dark Elf Blitzer, 0 SPP.

"It's good to see two new players start their careers this season."
dead, Bob!"
"That never stopped the Repugnance recruiting rotters before..."

Image Lennox, wiped off by TP Hoarder. Skaven Lineman, 9 SPP.

Image Ian Clumsyhammer, all fingers and thumbs as he was ushered to his final resting place by La Graviere IV. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"After a season where La Graviere kept on dying, it's nice to see him kill somebody else for a change!"

Image Diego Estevez, failed dodge. High Elf Thrower, 17 SPP.
"And after a conspicuous absence last week, the shoelaces claim another victim. Well done, laces!"

Image Robert Smalls, getting even more reduced in size by Cherrytwig. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.

Image Snoogydumb, never going to wise up after a hit by Brad. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.

Image Carter Loath, sliced up by Brad. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"That's loath, Bob!"
"Yeah, I know, the other name for bread, right?"

Image Eddie Jr, kicked off the pitch forever by Merc Runt Punter 1. Chaos Chaos Warrior, 0 SPP.
"I've always said that Merc Runt Punter 1 was a player to watch. Mark my words, he'll be a contender for the All Stars this season."
"Well, he's probably missed less games to injury than any other ogre on the 'Protocol at this point..."

Image Merrick Grumnirson, not going to be setting the world on fire after a hit by Mazorn Zombieburner. Norse Runner, 47 SPP.

Just time for a quick look at the Curse of the Death Watch before we finish up:

Image Bruiser, Block * 4 kills. Smashed Collar Bone

"Curse, you say, Bob? Looks like one unlucky chorf to me..."

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Sep 14, 2021 - 07:26 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVIII Week Three

After the great start to the season, we seem to be running out of steam (if not players...). An abbreviated Death Watch this week, due to most players failing to sacrifice themselves to Nuffle as required:

Image Definitely time was up for Merc Chaos Dwarf Blocker 1 (), had his face smashed and both his hands pulled off by Cronus. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.

Image George Hotorc, cooled off by a big bite of Lucuma. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.

Image Blue Locast, less than half a man after a hit by Hafdan. Human Blitzer, 17 SPP.
"Maybe he'll make a comeback when he can spell 'locust' properly..."

Image Julius Silentorc, certainly won't be speaking up after running into Pandemonium. Amazon Linewoman, 0 SPP.

Image From Hidiot to extra-hurt idiot in one clean motion after a thump by Monsignor Jimmy H. Widders. Ogre Ogre, 35 SPP.

Image Björn, will need some babying after tripping dodging. Norse Berserker, 6 SPP.
"Great to see that Shoelaces' dreaded return wasn't a once-off!"[/i

Image Little Jonjo Spicerub, went surfing, never came back. Halfling, 0 SPP.
[i]"I guess you could say he got spicerubbed the wrong way!"
"Is that some disgusting thing you found out about on Tick Tock?"
"What, you mean the new horologically obsessed alternative to Cabalvision? The one all the cool kidz are watching?"
"Seriously Bob, you're staring at grandfather clocks all day?"
"We started with Cronus, we're staying with these references as long as we can."
"I really don't have the time..."


Image Gruff, Block * 2 kills. Smashed Collar Bone
Image Azibo, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull

"Why isn't Merc Chaos Dwarf Blocker () there? He killed Luthais Elmshade back in SWL LXXVI!"
"Oh, so now you admit the Curse does exist!"
"Er... Let's just have a look at the line of injured players, Bob!"

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