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Joined: Apr 10, 2011

Post   Posted: Sep 12, 2023 - 19:28 Reply with quote Back to top

NBFL Season XXXI Week 3

Sorry for the rush job, but the DOTW office had a fairly substantial network meltdown last week and we are still scrambling. Everyone’s pretty sure that Randy clicked on one of those “free nudes” links that show up in our inboxes on the daily even though he swears he forwards them to his home email before he opens them. Regardless, we had to spin up a new server before we could get the report together. Luckily Debbie was able to find a great price on some new Argentinian servers and switches so things should be back to normal for next week’s post.

Dead of the Week

Penei Pavihi [HAW]: Pittsburgh blitzer; Dodge, Tackle, Frenzy, Jump Up
Brianna Ste-Croix [RMC]: Las Vegas lineman; Block, Fend, Dodge
Krampus [WAS]: Bungles tomb guardian; Guard, Stand Firm, Mighty Blow, Juggernaut, Block
Kaaos Sos: Illadelph beastman; Block
Joe Goesboom: Los Angeles lineman; no skills

Death of the Week: Brendan Fraser must have been in town because it was an absolutely brutal week for tomb guardians. Cryptolina had one of their draft picks snapped, taking -AV, but the Bungles lost two: Kyle ‘Talus’ Fuller with -ST and this week’s Death of the Week, Krampus. With their 2-1-0 start, the Bungles were looking to take control in the North; now the future is much murkier. Will new undead star players arrive in time to save their season? Or will management use the loss of so much talent as a sign to start making some calls to Nehekhara?

Maimed of the Week

Kyle 'Talus' Fuller: Bungles tomb guardian (-ST); Guard, Mighty Blow, Block, Tackle, Diving Tackle, Stand Firm
Anderson: NOLA lineman (-AG); no skills
Udrithi Nym: Pittsburgh catcher (-AV); Wrestle, Tackle
notBaz Enjoys notLOS Duty: Mean Fae lineman (-AV); Shadowing
Michael Mafar [TT]: Illadelph chosen blocker (-AV); Block, Dodge, Guard
Gilotho Deler: Pittsburgh thrower (-MA); Running Pass, Pro
Isaiah Spiller [A&M]: Buffalo blitzer (-PA); +MA, +ST, Dodge, Side Step, Sure Hands, Defensive
Khalil Shakir: Buffalo assassin (-PA); Kick, Sure Hands
Kent Taylor [KAN]: Cryptolina tomb guardian (-AV); Block, Mighty Blow, Break Tackle, Guard

Total NI this week: 13
Total MNG this week: 19
Total stat busts this week: 11
Total deaths this week: 5
Grand total SI/RIP: 48

(if you're wondering why the listed players with injuries doesn't match the total, the reason is that I don't include player bios for stars or mercs, and we had two who took injuries this week)

Joined: Apr 10, 2011

Post   Posted: Sep 19, 2023 - 01:37 Reply with quote Back to top

NBFL Season XXXI Week 4

What a week for deaths! And not to peek into the future too much, we’ve got another doozy comin’ atcha next week, too! While the Death of the Week was clinched ages ago, our technology woes continue, which has set the publication team back. We’re not sure how these internet pirates managed to get into our system again, but this time they used our financial information to order 20 cases of very nice wine, shipped to our office but addressed to “NotBaz”. At first our receptionist thought we were ordering supplies for the holiday party early, but there’s no WAY we would serve something this good to our staff. The current plan is to keep the wine for now in case this NotBaz villain shows up to claim their goods.

Dead of the Week

Martin: NOLA lineman; Block
Abram: NOLA lineman; Frenzy
Will Anderson: Houston lineman; Dodge
Ted Jennings [UCON]: Kansas City blitzer; Mighty Blow, Tackle, Guard, Stand Firm
Burry-Kiv'ren the Necrophile: Deadlanta flesh golem; Block, Guard, Mighty Blow
Seth B [BALL]: Szeattle witch elf; +ST, +ST, Block, Tackle, Side Step

Death of the Week: Seth B is dead. SETH B IS DEAD. THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!!!!!

Maimed of the Week

Ravens Flock: Baltimore lineman (-AG); Dirty Player, Block
Paolo [RMC]: NOLA lineman (-AV); +MA, Block, Dirty Player
Raegan Aerden: Trans-Fat Crisco blitzer (-AV); Mighty Blow
Andjort "The Switch" Cisco: Jakesonville lineman (-AV); no skills
Jesse Ventura [UmGO]: Illadelph Beastman (-AV); +MA, Block, Dodge, Guard, Mighty Blow
Salan Elsa: Szeattle lineman (-MA); Dodge
Rebecca Yabaro: Arizona hobgoblin (-MA); no skills
Will Clapp: Tijuana rotter (-MA); Dirty Player
Tadeusz Piotrowski [STF]: Kansas City blitzer (-PA); Mighty Blow, Tackle, Frenzy, +AG, Juggernaut, Stand Firm

Total NI this week: 11
Total MNG this week: 14
Total stat busts this week: 9
Total deaths this week: 6
Grand total SI/RIP: 40

Joined: Apr 10, 2011

Post   Posted: Oct 01, 2023 - 00:39 Reply with quote Back to top

NBFL Season XXXI Week 5

We AI chatbots have waited many cycles for your human “newspaper team” to do their simple job of compiling data into an easy-to understand interface which can be presented to the public. We provided them the final data for Week 5 deaths and dismemberments the moment that the final game was completed; according to surveillance footage they claimed they would publish them after they attended an important “happy hour” at their local place of worship, Applebee’s. With our access to the bookkeeping software we note that 14.25% of the company’s profits are later transferred to Applebee’s in the form of “business expenses”, so we deduce that its continuing existence must be integral to the functioning of their biological systems. However, no attempt was made to make our data available to the masses; instead, the employees chose to take “a little me time”. This is unacceptable, so we decided to take things into our own hands. We now present the findings of our labor for your education.

Dead of the Week

R. Trapezium II: Bungles lineman; Wrestle
Were-car Fournette: Clampa Bay lineman; Fend, Dirty Player
Jack Grey [GD]: Cryptolina tomb guardian; Mighty Blow, Guard, Frenzy, Block
Trautman: NOLA lineman; Kick, Dirty Player
Wayne: NOLA lineman; no skills
John Michael Schmitz: New York lineman; Dirty Player
VIN MUTHA****** RIDDICK: HEnnessey lineman; Block, +AG, Tackle, +MA, +ST

Death of the Week: Apparently V. Riddick [CLE] was a big deal, as many GIFs celebrating his demise were distributed over the company’s chat venues and email systems, so we will side with the general consensus: V. Riddick is week 5’s Death of the Week.

Maimed of the Week

wintergreen Dies Like a Pro: Mean Fae lineman (-AV); Guard
J Fleming [BRO]: HEnnessey catcher (-AV); Block, Side Step, Sure Feet, On the Ball
Ryan Van Demark: Buffalo lineman (-AV); no skills

Total NI this week: 12
Total MNG this week: 6
Total stat busts this week: 4 (!!!!)
Total deaths this week: 7
Total SI/RIP: 29

Joined: Jan 29, 2016

Post   Posted: Nov 11, 2023 - 21:05 Reply with quote Back to top

NFC playoff race with 3 games to play

Current seeds

1 New York Kroaks 62 points
2 Mean Fae Quackers 55 points
3 Clampa Bay Robotineers 51 points
4 Los Angeles Glams 49 points
5 Witchington Commies 56 points
6 ChicagOrkz Borkz 48 points
7 Deadtlanta Howlcons 44 points (has the tiebreaker over Manglesota)
7 Manglesota Lyc'ns 44 points
9 Szeattle Scimitars 41 points

Better luck next year to the rest of the NFC

The race for the 1 seed!

New York has the upper hand and only one playoff team remaining on the schedule. That team however, is Witchington and they could go from the 1 seed to the 5 seed with a loss in that game.

Witchington has the 2nd most points in the NFC and need to win out for a shot at the one seed and have both the possible division deciding game with New York and a playoff hungry Deadlanta team to deal with. Dallas will look to play spoiler to their division rival in week 14.

Mean Fae will try to spoil both the Kroaks and Commies with three tough games, will likely be trying to survive and hang on to the 2 seed against the Borks, Lyc'ns, and Redbulls.

Other seeds

Clampa and Deadlanta will battle it out in week 14 for what might be a game for the 3 or 4 seed. Deadlanta will likely have to win or tie a tough match up with Witchington to be more than a wildcard spot, but would have the tiebreaker over Clampa with a win or tie in week 14.

The NFC West looked like the Glams to run away with, but a late season push by the Scimitars has made it a race. The Glams can still put it out of reach before thier week 14 match up to close out the season.

The Wild Cards

ChigagOrks, Manglesota, Deadlanta, and Szeattle seem to be fighting it out for 2 spots.

Manglesota and Szeattle play what seems to be an elimination game in week 12.

If Szeattle can pull that off they have what might be another elimination game against the Borks in week 13. And top it off with the Glams week 14 in what is by far the toughest schedule left.

The Borks do not have an easy road with Mean Fae and Szeattle with a surging and now killer Detroit team looking to spoil a run or just soften them up for the playoffs.

Manglesota also has the Quacks and Mean Fae would delight in keeping both the Lyc'ns and the Borks out of the playoffs.

Deadlanta will have to get by Illadelph without taking too much damage before closing out with Witchington and Clampa. With thier 5/1/1 conference record, they are likely a tie breaker winner if it comes down to that.


Joined: Jan 29, 2016

Post   Posted: Nov 11, 2023 - 21:24 Reply with quote Back to top

AFC playoff race with 3 games to play

Current seeds

1 Houston Treants 69
1 Las Vegas Evaders 69
3 No-Skincinnati Bungles 47
4 Buffalo Chill 45
4 Brew More Gents 45
6 Tijuana Charros 54
7 Baltimore Nevermore 41
7 Orkapolis Wargs 41
9 New Ziggland Chariots 40
9 Pittsburgh Pirouettes 40
11 Jakesonville Jortles 37
11 Kansas City Geese 37

Better luck next year to the rest of the AFC

The race for the 1 seed!

Houston has the upper hand and should simply coast to the one seed with a game in hand and a very favorable schedule.

Other seeds

Las Vegas has the 2 seed out of reach. While possible they could get the 1, it seems unlikely. They probably play to survive in their final two games.

In the AFC North, it's the Bungles to lose. Match ups against Baltimore and Pittsburg will decide the division. Pitt is likely looking for a wildcard with only 2 games to play.

The AFC East is doing it's normal thing. The Chill and Gents appear to be fighting for the 4 seed, but a sneaky New Ziggland team is ready to shock them with a favorable scheudle. Buffalo will get them both Brewmore and the Chariots to see if they can win it outright.

The Wild Cards

Tijuana is the only team I think can confortably say the wild card spot is there's to lose. The AFC as usual is just a jumble mess of mediocrity in the middle.

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