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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 04, 2021 - 01:24 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week 6

"Another quiet week, eh Bob?"
"That's right - do you think they're saving up for a last ditch week seven fatality fiesta?"
"We can but hope so...

Image Starfighter Jr, shot down in flames by Strukaych Bitterfall. High Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"The name sounds familiar, Jim..."
"That's because you're thinking of Starfighter, who had his skull cracked by the boots of Black Beard Blythe last season. At least he carried on for a bit rather than giving up like Junior did."
"That's the trouble with kids these days... No sticking power."
"Unfair, Bob. There's bits of Starfighter Jr stuck everywhere!"

Image War-Failin Nu-k, failing to get up after a hit by Eddar Hearthfire. *Skaven Lineman, 7 SPP.

Image Mariah Weldig, encountered the dangerous animal know as Hancock the Lion. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Well, digging weldig's grave is going to be quick, she's only a snotling..."

Image Wadmooglie, smells even worse than Yez The Smelly. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Burrullah, nothing but a bunch of dirty bandages after a serpentine slapping by Mobad Duindudr. Khemri Tomb Guardian, 33 SPP.

Image Rilore Zunneh, stymied by Styrmir Niállson. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"And Rilore had such a great career ahead of him too..."
"Yes. But that was while he was an elf and hadn't caught Nurgle's Rot..."

Image Geirólfr Vilgeirrson, caught by Contagion. Norse Lineman, 12 SPP.
"Hang on, don't you catch a contagion and not get caught by it?"
"In the topsy-turvy world of Norsemen with names that are hard to type, who knows what the rules are?"

Image Þorviðr Þrándrson, had an arm and a leg fall off after being hit by Gangrene Greg. Norse Runner, 23 SPP.
"Runner? Rotter more like!"

Image Concaline Hunter, hit by Henry Corydar. Vampire Thrall, 6 SPP.
"I've heard of being stuck in a corridor but this is the first time we've seen a corydar get stuck in."
"Bob, are you feeling ok?"
"I will do after we've looked at the Curse of the Death Watch - seems like nothing's happening this season!"
"Quality not quantity, Bob. This is the season we got Torgan Silvermead, after all..."

Curse of the Death Watch
Image Pongy Baconbreath, 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Image Grot Bomma, 1 kill. Groin Strain
Image Styrmir Niállson, 1 kill. Damaged Back

"Well, that was a damper squib than most of the fireballs the wizards in this league fire. Maybe looking at the list of injured players this week will lift your spirits, Bob:"

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

And not so much as a scratch on any of these players:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Mar 11, 2021 - 10:51
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The SWL LXXXV Team Achievements

Turns (1239): Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Completions (20): Kuja Pirate
TDs (12): Kuja Pirate
Cas (22): Kantenburg Panthers
SPP (119): Kuja Pirate
Passing yards (34): Sprinting Sprites
Rushing yards (232): Kuja Pirate
Blocks (326): Kuja Pirate
Fouls (34): Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Kantenburg Panthers
Pass/Cp (4.3): Sprinting Sprites
Kills (5): Kantenburg Panthers

Turns (1132): Cult of the Firedrake
Completions (18): Bravado
TDs (14): Druchii Dynasty and Crazy Beard Express
Cas (31): Redgum's Repugnance
SPP (120): Cult of the Firedrake
Passing yards (76): Bravado
Rushing yards (310): Flack Ork Flockers
Blocks (349): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (37): Bony Boyz
Blocks/Cas (10.6): Blackwater Cockfighters
Pass/Cp (9.3): Blackwater Cockfighters
Kills (5): Skelligen Spoilers and Redgum's Repugnance

Turns (1155): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (21): Amateur Professionals
TDs (17): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (26): Blue Mountain Giants
SPP (124): Styx αnd Warpstones
Passing yards (39): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (289): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (367): Cold Rock
Fouls (24): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (7.3): Lab Rat Elysium
Kills (4): Styx αnd Warpstones

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Big T (Big Boys Don't Block) 22 spp

The SWL Season LXXXV Awards

Image Image Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 7 TDs
Image Image Hancock the Lion (Kantenburg Panthers) 7 cas
Image Image Boa Sandersonia (Kuja Pirate) 110 turns
Image Image Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 118 rushing yards
Image Image Sweat Pea (Kuja Pirate) 16 pass yards
Image Image Salome (Kuja Pirate) 4 fouls
Image Image Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine (Uncle Bogi's Daycare) 66 blocks
Image Image Sweat Pea (Kuja Pirate) 11 cps
Image Image Thyla the Unseen (Ouch in a Pouch) 4.34 block/cas
Image Image Finuba Niro (Sprinting Sprites) 2.2 pass/cp

Image Image Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 24 SPP

Image Image David Kessler (We'reWho!) 9 TDs
Image Image Crash Blind (Blood Crag Stripes) & ImageBig T (Big Boys Don't Block) 11 cas
Image Image Flinga Favre (Flack Ork Flockers) 115 turns
Image Image Flinga Favre (Flack Ork Flockers) 238 rushing yards
Image Image Dodgy Service (Bravado) 63 pass yards
Image Image Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 23 fouls
Image Image Crash Blind (Blood Crag Stripes) 75 blocks
Image Image Dodgy Service (Bravado) 14 cps
Image Image Úlfar Úlfarson (Skelligen Spoilers) 4.67 block/cas
Image Image Stuart, the End Level Guy (Blackwater Cockfighters) 9.34 pass/cp

Image Image David Kessler (We'reWho!) 33 SPP

Image Image Cheetah (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 12 TDs
Image Image Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 10 cas
Image Image Lime (Pugs Not Drugs) 114 turns
Image Image Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 200 rushing yards
Image Image Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 25 pass yards
Image Image Dribl (Cold Rock) 6 fouls
Image Image Boysenberry Swirl (Cold Rock) 91 blocks
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 12 cps
Image Image Harad Kingsmead (Blue Mountain Giants) 6.17 block/cas
Image Image Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 4.17 pass/cp

Image Image Cheetah (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 39 SPP

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 12, 2021 - 02:54 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Seven

After a long season with a short death count, the crowds have been growing restive, or at least we're blaming multiple Stu Wilsonings this week on that. Will it be enough to appease the rock throwing hordes in time for SWL LXXXVI?
Image Lumpsnookum, complained about a strange lump, got a fatal dose from The Evil Doctor. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Pulcinella, hit by Womangee. Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"No Womangee, no cry, as we say in the music business."
"... we do?"

Image Dull, came to an 'interesting' end when he was hit by a rock. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 28 SPP.

Image Miriam Insa, gave Grumpy something to be happy about. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Ken Stewart, timed-out forever by Cronus. High Elf Lineman, 49 SPP.

Image Grain, ground to flour by a rock from the crowd. Undead Ghoul, 8 SPP.

Image Paul Bearer by name, in need of a pall bearer because of being twisted up by Pretzel. Chaos Beastman, 7 SPP.

Image Big T, got in a bunfight he couldn't survive against Semla. Chaos Minotaur, 106 SPP.
"Let's stop and light a (beef tallow) candle for Big T, the minotaur who didn't know when to stop.
Since LXXX, Big T averaged one serious injury per season, and alghouth two fractured legs and a groin strain couldn't stop him charging forward, you might have thought that fractured skull he suffered against Bender would have slowed him down. Instead, Big T was well on the way to legendary status, and he still is - just as the first Chaos Minotaur to die in the modern SWL era. He just burned too bright for the Curse of the Death Watch to ignore, having murdered everything from a halfling up to an Ogre, maybe it's best that he has a rest."
"Well, you say that, Jim, but what about next week's Zombiepalooza?"

Image Syrien, never coming back from the horror show of Wilhelm 'The Wolf Man' Cheney. Dark Elf Lineman, 16 SPP.

Image Graklak Ghouleater, scorched by Ma'ar Darkflame. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.

We're busy getting ready for the end of season prize giving, but in the meantime, check out the most recent evidence for the Curse of the Death Watch:

Image Cheetah, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Image Dull, 1 kill. Dead
Image Pirithous, 1 kill. Smashed Collar Bone
Image Banana Split, 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Image Kit Kat, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Big T, 7 kills. Dead
Image Sammael Dreadblade, 2 kills. Fractured Skull
Image Impak, 7 kills. Fractured Leg

(Note the last one wasn't actually the curse, it was just Impak wanting to take the game off after a long season, and throwing in the towel after the first turn of the match. Shame on the big green guy!)


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 28, 2021 - 09:24 Reply with quote Back to top

Strange times afoot in the Southern Wastes. While rumours swirled that the NAF was bringing new rules that would outlaw elves from ever passing the ball, ban Chaos teams from sharpening their claws, and confusing anyone who tried to blitz, a team of imaginary rat men took advantage of the confusion to steal the silverware a second time from the teams that claimed they deserved it by virtue of existing. Even the All Star presentation was blighted by this, with the alternate Zombiepalooza event being touted as 'the place to see all the Star Players ... again!', although early reports from spectators suggest it was a broken down circus tent filled with zombies rather than anything skillful. Without even the usual ceremonial riot to start the proceedings, the All Stars were announced to a nearly empty village hall filled with geriatrics demanding to know when the bingo was going to start. To avoid further delay, here's the top eleven from this season:

Cheetah? Well, there's something that seems almost dishonest about rostering an AG5 elf who just jumps over the opposition without a care for the consequences. Averaging more than a TD per game, the agile catcher scored in every match this season until the imaginary ratmen got hold of him and pinched him til his nerves gave out. With the spotty chappy showing no signs of wanting to retire, he'll be sprinting to quite a few end zones next season, unless an accident of Torgan-like proportions befalls him. Every All Star claims to be team captain, but with more SPP earned this season than anyone else, Cheetah gets to boss everyone around.

Several of the greatest All Stars of all time have found their death sentences wrapped up in their final scroll. With both Salamoneous and Torgan Silvermead no longer with us, many other players have been worried, so we're happy to point to Big T as an example of an All Star that can't get killed. Because he's already dead. The beefy bovine with a big heart was a constant contributor to the Death Watch, right up until he got murderised in the last game of the season. Despite suffering more injuries than we can count, he slogged on, leaving a trail of bodies behind him that the twin Curses of the All Stars and the Death Watch inevitably followed. His penultimate season was in many ways even finer than his last, with the crazed cow the first to ever permakill an Underworld Troll, and he added to his tally of Big Guys this season with the second-ever Ogre fatality. While Big Boys Don't Block managed to come mid-division for casualties inflicted, nearly half were from Big T's massive horns, and so we're sure he'll be missed.

Many people saw Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine as just another ridiculous ploy by attention seeking Snotlings, but this clanking bunch of planks, nails and hydraulics astounded the All Star judges: not just the ability of this secret weapon to dodge the ref and stay on the pitch for 99 turns this season, but then to manage 66 blocks was stretching the belief system of many of our statistical goblins to breaking point. Leading the charge of the diminutive greenskins to the Conferences for the first time ever might be enough for most Pump Wagons, but this one doled out four serious injuries in his first season - is that where people get the phrase 'crying uncle'? Whatever. We predict tears in the near future for somebody or other.

Chaos Dwarf teams have long been known for their Sure-Footed heroes leading them to glory in the Southern Wastes. Almost as well known, and equally hated if not hatted, are the Sure-Footed Villains lagging behind the team and cleaning up the mess. Blin demonstrates all the sly ingenuity of this breed, by challenging the opposition’s players only when they are already eating turf, and often being comfortably sent off and safe from retribution long before the other team can get around his hard-hitting Blockers to exact revenge. If not as broadly talented and well paid as other recent Hobgob Super-Stars… erm, did I read that right?… in the All Stars line up, some unkind critics would point out he earns most of his money sat in the bin, cleaning the fresh stains from his endorsement laden boots.

No-one could ever replace the mighty Salamoneous, his end was the end of an era and almost certainly of THE Franchise player of the Styx! … well Cronus is certainly not wasting any Time... carving his own legacy into the fallen bodies of his foes. With a smashing display in Prem that almost broke all the opposition and near let his team slide to victory on a blood slicked field. Even when not breaking bodies he helped his plucky Underworld teammates to gang tackle the dwindling opposition, stunning and KOing many as well. So focussed was he on his intent for blood that he even threw the inflated spikey thing away on multiple occasions when he found himself holding it, instead going hunting other heads… sometimes his team mates even managed to catch it… One of the few triple-All Stars still in the league, even if he is a non-existent mutant ratman...

It takes an exceptionally hot-blooded reptile to cause as much carnage as a raging bull, but boy do we have the specimen for you! Crash Blind was a rampaging Juggernaut in Confs this season, throwing more Blocks than any other in the division and sending as many crashing, ahem, into the CAS bin as any other in the league! A brutal combatant as hard to pin down as he is to take a hit from, and well adept at Tackling the slippery opposition who may elude younger teammates. For good reason is he recognised as the most valuable player on his own team many times over. You don't have to have great vision cough... to recognise him as a rock hard addition to the All Stars front line.

The shiny star of Confs this season, best not to mention the Moon… David Kessler runs rings around the opposition to out score all contenders in the division! No stranger to delivering a mighty blow, a surprisingly meagre 3 CAS this season had pundits complaining “..all that whacking and he couldn’t get anyone off…”. No, David proved he would not be typecast as a set of 'Mighty Claws', and instead stuck to the ball like a dog on a bone. Showing that you don’t need to be supernaturally agile or a bloody eyed terror to be an All Stars Wolf, as long as you’re a dodgey git with a lick of speed and a good handle on the balls...

For six seasons running there's been a spot on the all stars for a High Elf thrower. But in LXXXV there was much bravado from the Wood Elf team about theirs, and reviews found nothing dodgy about the service of Dodgy Service to pass Bravado their fourth conf title. Pickups in TZs after a leap-sack? Desperate clearing passes? Getting smashed by a big Lizard and not being there to pass the game saver? Yes, yes, yes! That is an SWL all-star passer for sure.
Action-packed season and often desperate measures with just a few left standing saw Dodgy being a near-constant sure-handed threat with 14 completions and solid yardage to get his speedy receivers into the clear.

Lime played out the whole prem season, every turn on the pitch giving it his all, and a solid 8 touchdowns in premier division is a grand total any season. Plenty of effort from the young pup went into in cage diving, pass plays, and just being an all-round excellent ball carrier, but it was simply not the season for Pugs to grab another title, too many results going the other way as the team fumbled around him. Still, that one magical surf against the Styx, which ultimately stopped the underworld winning prem, that alone is worth a place in the all stars.

They said that legends wouldn't exist in BB16, but again the SWL proves them wrong - this time with Daddles Damfino hitting the magic 176 SPP mark in his final game. Needing 6 point to achieve the gold standard in bloodbowl, Damfino not only scored twice, but did it in the final game of the season, ensuring a result against knine that saw the Lab Rats take their second title in 3 seasons. With 11 TDs and 200 rushing yards, he rides off into the sunset slowly (he is only movement 8 after all) with a majestic 45 TD career and his third All Star accolade.. What does season #86 hold for the Lab Rats? Lets see if Guzzla and Clackbox can keep the elysium intact enough to win season #86.

Most players head into retirement after an injury that causes a major stat decrease, but not Úlfar Úlfarson, Úlfar has often thought his -AG adds depth to his fearsome persona. With 9 casualties in season LXXXV, from just 42 blocks Úlfar gains a silver fist and an All Star scroll. He also leads the norsemen from Skelligen into the SWL Premier division in only their 3rd season, which is always an impressive feat. A spoiler alert for the fans as to what he has cooking, he's been quoted as attributing his results to hard work and soft elves (Original quote: I don't always herdy birdy flerpty floopin, but when I do I foomty shoopin bork bork bork). We're sure he'll be in the mix with casualties in season #86.

LXXV All Stars
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine, Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
David Kessler, We'reWho!
Dodgy Service, Bravado
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Lime, Pugs Not Drugs
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Blin, Crazy Beard Express

LXXXV Prem Stars
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Lime, Pugs Not Drugs
Hermes, Styx αnd Warpstones
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Boysenberry Swirl, Cold Rock
Fred Woodman, Amateur Professionals
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Dribl, Cold Rock
Rolf Stonewall, Blue Mountain Giants
Kirin Trollreaver, Blue Mountain Giants

LXXXV Conference Stars
David Kessler, We'reWho!
Flinga Favre, Flack Orc Flockers
Cah, Concussion Protocol
Murluk, Big Boys Don't Block
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
Dodgy Service, Bravado
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Large Woodie, Bravado
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders

LXXXV Rising Stars
Aphelandra, Kuja Pirate
Numb Bat-Bat, Ouch in a Pouch
Ms. Ery, Necronomi Can Do!
Borfin Lightbeard, Katenburg Panthers
Hancock the Lion, Katenburg Panthers
Beau-reavement, Necronomi Can Do!
Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine, Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Sweat Pea, Kuja Pirate
Salome, Kuja Pirate
Boa Sandersonia, Kuja Pirate
Kronekig, Kantenburg Panthers

The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a deranged Norseman from the Job Centre in Blackwater, a non existent giant rat, an elf and three goblins inside an overcoat.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 05, 2021 - 21:59 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 1

"Welcome back to (possibly) the last ever season under the current rules of the Southern Wastes. And what a start it's been - every single match played in the first round had at least one serious injury. While we didn't hit the heights of the opening season of SWL LXXXIV, it's a solid start..."

Image Chevelle III, beaten up by Bruiser. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Fun gal fright, certainly has a fear of flying after a fatal failed landing. Snotling, 1 SPP.

Image Bakh Ogredawner, suffered from being confused with a vampire by Zara the Slayer. Orc Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Tristan G, also slain by Zara the Slayer. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
"What does the G stand for, Jim?"
"Guts? He had a lot of them. Until they got spread over the pitch!"

Image William Tuscanar, turned even greener by Gangrene Greg. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.

Image Jeremiah Zilka, received a fatal injection from Vaxinator. Goblin , 0 SPP.

Image Pedro Name, it's a real shame, removed from the game by Euryclea Fearlock. Necromantic Ghoul, 0 SPP.

Image Melanie-cholia, certainly not any more cheerful after a block from Takharth Stoneheart. Undead Ghoul, 7 SPP.

Image Brachycephalus Didactylus IIIIIII, carved up by Gordon Ramsay. Slann Catcher, 0 SPP.

Image Pride Fall, bent beyond his breaking point by Bender. Lizardman Skink, 12 SPP.

Image Bender, shaved off the pitch by Moon Mustache. Human Blitzer, 46 SPP.
"A solid revenge hit there - that was Bender's first ever kill, and the Curse of the Death Watch got him in one turn."
"You don't stop talking about the Curse, do you, Bob?"
"As long as it keeps killing people, I'm talking about it!"

Curse Of The Death Watch Results
Image Sure-Fire Glo, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Image Snow Scare, 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Bender, 1 kill. Dead

So, with one death from a player hitting the pitch, and ten more from players hitting each other, we're off to a good start. While we start hunting around for the Death Watch prizes from last season (which suspiciously went missing) feast your eyes on the broken and maimed players that won't be playing in week two:

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 14, 2021 - 07:11 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 2

Image Lighting Jr, done in by Mobad Duindudr. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Players called Lightning have a habit of vanishing in a flash from that team, don't they?"
"Yep - guess even being mispelt couldn't help him..."

Image Frank Shelford, suffered a massive Impakt. *High Elf Blitzer, 50 SPP.
"Another elf on the shelf - forever!"
"Now Jim, what self-respecting elf has a stupid name like that?"
"He doesn't have much of anything any more, Bob..."

Image Speed bump, returned to smooth tarmac by Thardrakk Coalface. Snotling, 5 SPP.

Image Khar'zh, sent down the khazi by Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine. Chaos Dwarf Bull Centaur, 22 SPP.

Image Cory Truetree, had too much of the sweet taste of Chocolate. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

Image Alex Genselda, should have been more afraid of the big bad Wilford B. Wolf. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Wilford B. Wolf, doing a good impression of his grandma after a hit by Cah. Necromantic Werewolf, 55 SPP.
"You have to respect the Curse of the Death Watch for punishing Wolf. Nobody should go around bullying Gnoblars like that..."

Image Super Spreader, spread all over the place by Edda Thomin. Nurgle Pestigor, 10 SPP.
"Probably for the best, we don't want AG4 pestigors running amok."
"Never mind that, have you seen how many muscular ladies are in the league?"
"That's a stat I'm not interested in, Jim..."

Image Billy Bluefire, extinguished by Biff. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Glart Smashrip, scraunched by Staunch. Glart Smashrip, 0 SPP.
"Scraunched? That isn't even a word!"
"That's not even a star player any more, Jim..."

Image Boa Sandersonia, proved snakes should never go surfing. *Amazon Blitzer, 19 SPP.

Image Cooper, forced to drink too much by Kullo Ironflagon. Human Lineman, 3 SPP.
"In a early contender for this season's Omelette, the Giants' defence was reliable as usual."
"Well, you say that, but usually that manage to kill players before they score, Bob..."

Late breaking news (honestly, we didn't just overlook this one...}

Image Petra the Petrified, turned to stone by Cash Bland. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"When will this senseless war between rats and lizards ever end?"

Curse of the Death Watch
Image Stuart, the End Level Guy, Foul * 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Image Wilford B. Wolf, Block * 2 kills. Dead
Image Henry Corydar, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Haldir Axebreaker, Block * 3 kills. Pinched Nerve
Image Felix, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 20, 2021 - 05:44 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 3

Apologies readers for an abbreviated Death Watch this week - on top of players refusing to die frequently enough, we've been having to put up with another 'anonymous' letter writing campaign by Pinkeye Growthspurt, this time claiming all the refs are biassed because they take everyone else's bribes and not his. Anyway, let's make a start. Or, for our participants this week, an end.

Image Haukr Illugison, blocked by Mobad Namimdigr. Norse Lineman, 1 SPP.
"What do we say about that?"
"Tricky when it's so hard to figure out how to pronounce those Norse names... Haukr hawked up a loogy? Life is an illusion for Illugison?"
"On the bright side, it wasn't one of those elves with a stupid name this week..."

Image Orio, nothing but crumbs blown away by Still Wind. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Isn't that Oreo, not Orio?"
"He's not anything any more, Jim..."

Image Pedrolino, nailed into the ground by the boot of Yorick Clumsyhammer. Elf Catcher, 9 SPP.
"How did that happen? it's not like elves are renowned for being flimsy, is it?"

Image Javier Calls, but nobody's picking up after a hit by Lemon Meringue Pie. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Surely that's a misprint, Bob."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't spell 'Gnoblar' like that, do you?"

Image Beesting Funnylips, not so funny after being gobbled up by Uncleshape Sleazyhands. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"That's the second player we've ever had eaten, Jim!"
"Yes, and Uncleshape was on fire in that match - he'd previously ended the career of a frog by throwing a goblin at him - the first time somebody's pulled that one off."
"That's hardly the first time somebody's pulled the leg off a frog, Jim..."

Image Gjergj Skanderbeg, not too proud to beg after a big hit by Kreek Rustgouger. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Which, ironically, was the very last thing he said."

Leaving the best until last...
Image Happy Dancer, unhappily waltzing off into the sunset after (predictably enough) being reaved by Kirin Trollreaver. Orc Troll, 156 SPP.
"Wow. That's a proper calamity: the apo did nothing, and then the oldest, wisest Orc Troll in the league forgot to regen and now he's the deadest Orc Troll in the league!"
"Nothing like a 1 in 72 chance to get you onto the leaderboard, eh Bob?"

With the death of Dancer, there's now even fewer players left to sacrifice before we get a full set - will there be a donation of any Amazon Throwers before the end of the season? Come on, Widowmakers, be Widowermakers for a change!

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

... and in late breaking news, one last remnant to be scraped from the stadium floor:

Image Tristan Corrigad, corrugated into mud by Brooks Mudman. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Tristan? Or Tristess as our Bretonnian friends would say."
"Bretonnians don't have any friends, Bob."

And without further delay, let's take a quick check on the Curse of the Death Watch this week:

Image Mobad Duindudr, Block * 3 kills. Smashed Hip
Image Happy Dancer, Block * 3 kills. Dead
Image Yorick Clumsyhammer, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Sure-Fire Glo, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Corpse, * 1 kill. Damaged Back


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 27, 2021 - 22:15 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 4

What's that horrible crunching noise? It's the sound of the SWL reaching the middle of the season. And with it, a fresh delivery of rotting corpses for your beloved hosts, Jim and Bob, to pick through...

Week Four is traditionally a time when the apothecaries head to the golf course rather than bothering to show up at the stadium, and the combination of exhausted players and sharpened spikes usually gives us a lot of 'material'. While SWL LXXXVI hasn't been particularly blessed with impact, this was the second most seriously-injured week 4 since records began, paling only in comparison to the middle of season LXXXII. Without further ado, let's get to it:

No point waiting for the cows to come home, because they're dead:
Image Moobris Whack-half, stamped on by Silver Truestone. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Anyone watching that would have been reassured that Silver really did have all the gold. Whether it was the money to pay the ref to ignore that foul, or the money paid before the match to ensure the Facts' own bribe was ignored, or the gilded MVP award he took on top of all this, Truestone was in the money."
"May his pockets grow deeper and his arms ever shorter..."

Image "Not so" Lucky Seven, hammered by by Az Naylz. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image The Messenger, got a very terse letter from Professor Oak. Human Lineman, 16 SPP.

Image Danger Demon, exorcised from the kitchen by Wolfgang Puck. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"0 SPP? That Demon was only a danger to himself!"

Image Corvette, left up on blocks by The Evil Doctor. High Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.

Image Very Unfriendly Fructose Overdose, unsweetened by Diana Wynne Jones. Goblin 'Ooligan, 0 SPP.
"This week sees another dead green player - our very first Ooligan to make it to the Death Watch. That's also the first Ooligan to have had any serious injuries - the little lads with the big voices have been surprisingly durable up until now..."
"Jim, there's a goblin from the fact checking department saying we've had a groin strain, a smashed knee, a broken jaw, fractured ribs, poisoning and a smashed ankle from Ooligans before."
"Yes, but none of those are serious. I mean, they're only Ooligans, right?"

Image We're not going to say anybody left Demeter running, after a classic foul by the multi-time All Star Blin. Underworld Troll, 20 SPP.
"And just a few seasons ago we'd not seen a single Underworld Troll. Now there's a troll every week."
"Is Manshape going to make it to Legend without dying?"
"Three games left. Hold onto your trolls, people!"

Image Lethe, in a world of grief by Bruiser. Underworld Lineman, 5 SPP.
"I'm not sure that rhyme works, Bob."
"I'll tell you something else that doesn't work. Lethe."

Image [Un]Luckier, found his time was up when he met Cronus. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 45 SPP.
"Hobgoblin, you say? Looks more like a elf blitzer with a wonky leg to me."
"It's a Rorscharch test, Bob. Look long enough, it actually looks just like a puddle of blood..."
"Rorscharch? Didn't he play for Pugs Not Drugs back in the seventies?"

Image Substitute Teacher Dan, will be finding somebody else to look after his class after being run over by Mobad Namimdigr. Dark Elf Lineman, 3 SPP.

Image Bad Hat?, decapitated by Geirr?ðr Sn?rtrs. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"We've never had three question marks over a single death before, have we Bob?"
"Question marks? Are those like skid marks?"
"Thank you, Bob..."

Image Hoppy Balbo'a, not so happy balboa after a classic thumping by the old man of the League, Impak. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Dorksmoosh, permanently smooshed by Thad'hak. Ogre Gnoblar, 3 SPP.
"Well, there's been a lot of controversy about people thinking Snotlings play for Ogre teams, so I'm glad we laid that one to rest."
"Along with Dorksmoosh."
"Although one of the techno-goblins at Cabalvision is wittering on about the True Book Of Fumbbl, and how the caption for the picture of the Gnoblar in there clearly says 'https://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL/Images/PlayerIcons/Snotling2.gif'."
"Don't try to blind me with science, Jim!"

Image Luigi-brious, picked off by Suzie Scabs. Undead Ghoul, 9 SPP.
"I'm pretty sure that should have been the other way around, Bob..."

Only humans suffered from the Curse Of The Death Watch this week:
Image Corpse, 1 kill. Damaged Back
Image Felix, 1 kill. Smashed Ankle

And finally, because we missed it last week, here's two weeks of mangled players for you to feast your eyes on:

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