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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 04, 2021 - 01:24 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week 6

"Another quiet week, eh Bob?"
"That's right - do you think they're saving up for a last ditch week seven fatality fiesta?"
"We can but hope so...

Image Starfighter Jr, shot down in flames by Strukaych Bitterfall. High Elf Catcher, 1 SPP.
"The name sounds familiar, Jim..."
"That's because you're thinking of Starfighter, who had his skull cracked by the boots of Black Beard Blythe last season. At least he carried on for a bit rather than giving up like Junior did."
"That's the trouble with kids these days... No sticking power."
"Unfair, Bob. There's bits of Starfighter Jr stuck everywhere!"

Image War-Failin Nu-k, failing to get up after a hit by Eddar Hearthfire. *Skaven Lineman, 7 SPP.

Image Mariah Weldig, encountered the dangerous animal know as Hancock the Lion. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Well, digging weldig's grave is going to be quick, she's only a snotling..."

Image Wadmooglie, smells even worse than Yez The Smelly. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Burrullah, nothing but a bunch of dirty bandages after a serpentine slapping by Mobad Duindudr. Khemri Tomb Guardian, 33 SPP.

Image Rilore Zunneh, stymied by Styrmir Niállson. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.
"And Rilore had such a great career ahead of him too..."
"Yes. But that was while he was an elf and hadn't caught Nurgle's Rot..."

Image Geirólfr Vilgeirrson, caught by Contagion. Norse Lineman, 12 SPP.
"Hang on, don't you catch a contagion and not get caught by it?"
"In the topsy-turvy world of Norsemen with names that are hard to type, who knows what the rules are?"

Image Þorviðr Þrándrson, had an arm and a leg fall off after being hit by Gangrene Greg. Norse Runner, 23 SPP.
"Runner? Rotter more like!"

Image Concaline Hunter, hit by Henry Corydar. Vampire Thrall, 6 SPP.
"I've heard of being stuck in a corridor but this is the first time we've seen a corydar get stuck in."
"Bob, are you feeling ok?"
"I will do after we've looked at the Curse of the Death Watch - seems like nothing's happening this season!"
"Quality not quantity, Bob. This is the season we got Torgan Silvermead, after all..."

Curse of the Death Watch
Image Pongy Baconbreath, 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Image Grot Bomma, 1 kill. Groin Strain
Image Styrmir Niállson, 1 kill. Damaged Back

"Well, that was a damper squib than most of the fireballs the wizards in this league fire. Maybe looking at the list of injured players this week will lift your spirits, Bob:"

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

And not so much as a scratch on any of these players:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Oct 12, 2013

Post   Posted: Mar 11, 2021 - 10:51
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The SWL LXXXV Team Achievements

Turns (1239): Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Completions (20): Kuja Pirate
TDs (12): Kuja Pirate
Cas (22): Kantenburg Panthers
SPP (119): Kuja Pirate
Passing yards (34): Sprinting Sprites
Rushing yards (232): Kuja Pirate
Blocks (326): Kuja Pirate
Fouls (34): Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Kantenburg Panthers
Pass/Cp (4.3): Sprinting Sprites
Kills (5): Kantenburg Panthers

Turns (1132): Cult of the Firedrake
Completions (18): Bravado
TDs (14): Druchii Dynasty and Crazy Beard Express
Cas (31): Redgum's Repugnance
SPP (120): Cult of the Firedrake
Passing yards (76): Bravado
Rushing yards (310): Flack Ork Flockers
Blocks (349): Blood Crag Stripes
Fouls (37): Bony Boyz
Blocks/Cas (10.6): Blackwater Cockfighters
Pass/Cp (9.3): Blackwater Cockfighters
Kills (5): Skelligen Spoilers and Redgum's Repugnance

Turns (1155): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (21): Amateur Professionals
TDs (17): Lab Rat Elysium
Cas (26): Blue Mountain Giants
SPP (124): Styx αnd Warpstones
Passing yards (39): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (289): Lab Rat Elysium
Blocks (367): Cold Rock
Fouls (24): Styx αnd Warpstones
Blocks/Cas (10.0): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (7.3): Lab Rat Elysium
Kills (4): Styx αnd Warpstones

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Big T (Big Boys Don't Block) 22 spp

The SWL Season LXXXV Awards

Image Image Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 7 TDs
Image Image Hancock the Lion (Kantenburg Panthers) 7 cas
Image Image Boa Sandersonia (Kuja Pirate) 110 turns
Image Image Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 118 rushing yards
Image Image Sweat Pea (Kuja Pirate) 16 pass yards
Image Image Salome (Kuja Pirate) 4 fouls
Image Image Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine (Uncle Bogi's Daycare) 66 blocks
Image Image Sweat Pea (Kuja Pirate) 11 cps
Image Image Thyla the Unseen (Ouch in a Pouch) 4.34 block/cas
Image Image Finuba Niro (Sprinting Sprites) 2.2 pass/cp

Image Image Aphelandra (Kuja Pirate) 24 SPP

Image Image David Kessler (We'reWho!) 9 TDs
Image Image Crash Blind (Blood Crag Stripes) & ImageBig T (Big Boys Don't Block) 11 cas
Image Image Flinga Favre (Flack Ork Flockers) 115 turns
Image Image Flinga Favre (Flack Ork Flockers) 238 rushing yards
Image Image Dodgy Service (Bravado) 63 pass yards
Image Image Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 23 fouls
Image Image Crash Blind (Blood Crag Stripes) 75 blocks
Image Image Dodgy Service (Bravado) 14 cps
Image Image Úlfar Úlfarson (Skelligen Spoilers) 4.67 block/cas
Image Image Stuart, the End Level Guy (Blackwater Cockfighters) 9.34 pass/cp

Image Image David Kessler (We'reWho!) 33 SPP

Image Image Cheetah (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 12 TDs
Image Image Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 10 cas
Image Image Lime (Pugs Not Drugs) 114 turns
Image Image Daddles Damfino (Lab Rat Elysium) 200 rushing yards
Image Image Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 25 pass yards
Image Image Dribl (Cold Rock) 6 fouls
Image Image Boysenberry Swirl (Cold Rock) 91 blocks
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 12 cps
Image Image Harad Kingsmead (Blue Mountain Giants) 6.17 block/cas
Image Image Khangor (More Food for Thawt) 4.17 pass/cp

Image Image Cheetah (Speeeeed Killzzzz) 39 SPP

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 12, 2021 - 02:54 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXV Week Seven

After a long season with a short death count, the crowds have been growing restive, or at least we're blaming multiple Stu Wilsonings this week on that. Will it be enough to appease the rock throwing hordes in time for SWL LXXXVI?
Image Lumpsnookum, complained about a strange lump, got a fatal dose from The Evil Doctor. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Pulcinella, hit by Womangee. Elf Lineman, 7 SPP.
"No Womangee, no cry, as we say in the music business."
"... we do?"

Image Dull, came to an 'interesting' end when he was hit by a rock. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 28 SPP.

Image Miriam Insa, gave Grumpy something to be happy about. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Ken Stewart, timed-out forever by Cronus. High Elf Lineman, 49 SPP.

Image Grain, ground to flour by a rock from the crowd. Undead Ghoul, 8 SPP.

Image Paul Bearer by name, in need of a pall bearer because of being twisted up by Pretzel. Chaos Beastman, 7 SPP.

Image Big T, got in a bunfight he couldn't survive against Semla. Chaos Minotaur, 106 SPP.
"Let's stop and light a (beef tallow) candle for Big T, the minotaur who didn't know when to stop.
Since LXXX, Big T averaged one serious injury per season, and alghouth two fractured legs and a groin strain couldn't stop him charging forward, you might have thought that fractured skull he suffered against Bender would have slowed him down. Instead, Big T was well on the way to legendary status, and he still is - just as the first Chaos Minotaur to die in the modern SWL era. He just burned too bright for the Curse of the Death Watch to ignore, having murdered everything from a halfling up to an Ogre, maybe it's best that he has a rest."
"Well, you say that, Jim, but what about next week's Zombiepalooza?"

Image Syrien, never coming back from the horror show of Wilhelm 'The Wolf Man' Cheney. Dark Elf Lineman, 16 SPP.

Image Graklak Ghouleater, scorched by Ma'ar Darkflame. Orc Goblin, 0 SPP.

We're busy getting ready for the end of season prize giving, but in the meantime, check out the most recent evidence for the Curse of the Death Watch:

Image Cheetah, 1 kill. Pinched Nerve
Image Dull, 1 kill. Dead
Image Pirithous, 1 kill. Smashed Collar Bone
Image Banana Split, 1 kill. Smashed Hand
Image Kit Kat, 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Big T, 7 kills. Dead
Image Sammael Dreadblade, 2 kills. Fractured Skull
Image Impak, 7 kills. Fractured Leg

(Note the last one wasn't actually the curse, it was just Impak wanting to take the game off after a long season, and throwing in the towel after the first turn of the match. Shame on the big green guy!)


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Mar 28, 2021 - 09:24 Reply with quote Back to top

Strange times afoot in the Southern Wastes. While rumours swirled that the NAF was bringing new rules that would outlaw elves from ever passing the ball, ban Chaos teams from sharpening their claws, and confusing anyone who tried to blitz, a team of imaginary rat men took advantage of the confusion to steal the silverware a second time from the teams that claimed they deserved it by virtue of existing. Even the All Star presentation was blighted by this, with the alternate Zombiepalooza event being touted as 'the place to see all the Star Players ... again!', although early reports from spectators suggest it was a broken down circus tent filled with zombies rather than anything skillful. Without even the usual ceremonial riot to start the proceedings, the All Stars were announced to a nearly empty village hall filled with geriatrics demanding to know when the bingo was going to start. To avoid further delay, here's the top eleven from this season:

Cheetah? Well, there's something that seems almost dishonest about rostering an AG5 elf who just jumps over the opposition without a care for the consequences. Averaging more than a TD per game, the agile catcher scored in every match this season until the imaginary ratmen got hold of him and pinched him til his nerves gave out. With the spotty chappy showing no signs of wanting to retire, he'll be sprinting to quite a few end zones next season, unless an accident of Torgan-like proportions befalls him. Every All Star claims to be team captain, but with more SPP earned this season than anyone else, Cheetah gets to boss everyone around.

Several of the greatest All Stars of all time have found their death sentences wrapped up in their final scroll. With both Salamoneous and Torgan Silvermead no longer with us, many other players have been worried, so we're happy to point to Big T as an example of an All Star that can't get killed. Because he's already dead. The beefy bovine with a big heart was a constant contributor to the Death Watch, right up until he got murderised in the last game of the season. Despite suffering more injuries than we can count, he slogged on, leaving a trail of bodies behind him that the twin Curses of the All Stars and the Death Watch inevitably followed. His penultimate season was in many ways even finer than his last, with the crazed cow the first to ever permakill an Underworld Troll, and he added to his tally of Big Guys this season with the second-ever Ogre fatality. While Big Boys Don't Block managed to come mid-division for casualties inflicted, nearly half were from Big T's massive horns, and so we're sure he'll be missed.

Many people saw Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine as just another ridiculous ploy by attention seeking Snotlings, but this clanking bunch of planks, nails and hydraulics astounded the All Star judges: not just the ability of this secret weapon to dodge the ref and stay on the pitch for 99 turns this season, but then to manage 66 blocks was stretching the belief system of many of our statistical goblins to breaking point. Leading the charge of the diminutive greenskins to the Conferences for the first time ever might be enough for most Pump Wagons, but this one doled out four serious injuries in his first season - is that where people get the phrase 'crying uncle'? Whatever. We predict tears in the near future for somebody or other.

Chaos Dwarf teams have long been known for their Sure-Footed heroes leading them to glory in the Southern Wastes. Almost as well known, and equally hated if not hatted, are the Sure-Footed Villains lagging behind the team and cleaning up the mess. Blin demonstrates all the sly ingenuity of this breed, by challenging the opposition’s players only when they are already eating turf, and often being comfortably sent off and safe from retribution long before the other team can get around his hard-hitting Blockers to exact revenge. If not as broadly talented and well paid as other recent Hobgob Super-Stars… erm, did I read that right?… in the All Stars line up, some unkind critics would point out he earns most of his money sat in the bin, cleaning the fresh stains from his endorsement laden boots.

No-one could ever replace the mighty Salamoneous, his end was the end of an era and almost certainly of THE Franchise player of the Styx! … well Cronus is certainly not wasting any Time... carving his own legacy into the fallen bodies of his foes. With a smashing display in Prem that almost broke all the opposition and near let his team slide to victory on a blood slicked field. Even when not breaking bodies he helped his plucky Underworld teammates to gang tackle the dwindling opposition, stunning and KOing many as well. So focussed was he on his intent for blood that he even threw the inflated spikey thing away on multiple occasions when he found himself holding it, instead going hunting other heads… sometimes his team mates even managed to catch it… One of the few triple-All Stars still in the league, even if he is a non-existent mutant ratman...

It takes an exceptionally hot-blooded reptile to cause as much carnage as a raging bull, but boy do we have the specimen for you! Crash Blind was a rampaging Juggernaut in Confs this season, throwing more Blocks than any other in the division and sending as many crashing, ahem, into the CAS bin as any other in the league! A brutal combatant as hard to pin down as he is to take a hit from, and well adept at Tackling the slippery opposition who may elude younger teammates. For good reason is he recognised as the most valuable player on his own team many times over. You don't have to have great vision cough... to recognise him as a rock hard addition to the All Stars front line.

The shiny star of Confs this season, best not to mention the Moon… David Kessler runs rings around the opposition to out score all contenders in the division! No stranger to delivering a mighty blow, a surprisingly meagre 3 CAS this season had pundits complaining “..all that whacking and he couldn’t get anyone off…”. No, David proved he would not be typecast as a set of 'Mighty Claws', and instead stuck to the ball like a dog on a bone. Showing that you don’t need to be supernaturally agile or a bloody eyed terror to be an All Stars Wolf, as long as you’re a dodgey git with a lick of speed and a good handle on the balls...

For six seasons running there's been a spot on the all stars for a High Elf thrower. But in LXXXV there was much bravado from the Wood Elf team about theirs, and reviews found nothing dodgy about the service of Dodgy Service to pass Bravado their fourth conf title. Pickups in TZs after a leap-sack? Desperate clearing passes? Getting smashed by a big Lizard and not being there to pass the game saver? Yes, yes, yes! That is an SWL all-star passer for sure.
Action-packed season and often desperate measures with just a few left standing saw Dodgy being a near-constant sure-handed threat with 14 completions and solid yardage to get his speedy receivers into the clear.

Lime played out the whole prem season, every turn on the pitch giving it his all, and a solid 8 touchdowns in premier division is a grand total any season. Plenty of effort from the young pup went into in cage diving, pass plays, and just being an all-round excellent ball carrier, but it was simply not the season for Pugs to grab another title, too many results going the other way as the team fumbled around him. Still, that one magical surf against the Styx, which ultimately stopped the underworld winning prem, that alone is worth a place in the all stars.

They said that legends wouldn't exist in BB16, but again the SWL proves them wrong - this time with Daddles Damfino hitting the magic 176 SPP mark in his final game. Needing 6 point to achieve the gold standard in bloodbowl, Damfino not only scored twice, but did it in the final game of the season, ensuring a result against knine that saw the Lab Rats take their second title in 3 seasons. With 11 TDs and 200 rushing yards, he rides off into the sunset slowly (he is only movement 8 after all) with a majestic 45 TD career and his third All Star accolade.. What does season #86 hold for the Lab Rats? Lets see if Guzzla and Clackbox can keep the elysium intact enough to win season #86.

Most players head into retirement after an injury that causes a major stat decrease, but not Úlfar Úlfarson, Úlfar has often thought his -AG adds depth to his fearsome persona. With 9 casualties in season LXXXV, from just 42 blocks Úlfar gains a silver fist and an All Star scroll. He also leads the norsemen from Skelligen into the SWL Premier division in only their 3rd season, which is always an impressive feat. A spoiler alert for the fans as to what he has cooking, he's been quoted as attributing his results to hard work and soft elves (Original quote: I don't always herdy birdy flerpty floopin, but when I do I foomty shoopin bork bork bork). We're sure he'll be in the mix with casualties in season #86.

LXXV All Stars
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine, Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
David Kessler, We'reWho!
Dodgy Service, Bravado
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Lime, Pugs Not Drugs
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Blin, Crazy Beard Express

LXXXV Prem Stars
Cheetah, Speeeeed Killzzzz
Daddles Damfino, Lab Rat Elysium
Lime, Pugs Not Drugs
Hermes, Styx αnd Warpstones
Cronus, Styx αnd Warpstones
Boysenberry Swirl, Cold Rock
Fred Woodman, Amateur Professionals
David Kirk, Amateur Professionals
Dribl, Cold Rock
Rolf Stonewall, Blue Mountain Giants
Kirin Trollreaver, Blue Mountain Giants

LXXXV Conference Stars
David Kessler, We'reWho!
Flinga Favre, Flack Orc Flockers
Cah, Concussion Protocol
Murluk, Big Boys Don't Block
Big T, Big Boys Don't Block
Úlfar Úlfarson, Skelligen Spoilers
Crash Blind, Blood Crag Stripes
Dodgy Service, Bravado
Blin, Crazy Beard Express
Large Woodie, Bravado
Torduken, Bronzed Raiders

LXXXV Rising Stars
Aphelandra, Kuja Pirate
Numb Bat-Bat, Ouch in a Pouch
Ms. Ery, Necronomi Can Do!
Borfin Lightbeard, Katenburg Panthers
Hancock the Lion, Katenburg Panthers
Beau-reavement, Necronomi Can Do!
Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine, Uncle Bogi's Daycare
Sweat Pea, Kuja Pirate
Salome, Kuja Pirate
Boa Sandersonia, Kuja Pirate
Kronekig, Kantenburg Panthers

The SWL All Stars committee is a team effort dedicated to fluffmanship and the use of obscure statistics. This season's fluff was brought to you by a deranged Norseman from the Job Centre in Blackwater, a non existent giant rat, an elf and three goblins inside an overcoat.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 05, 2021 - 21:59 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 1

"Welcome back to (possibly) the last ever season under the current rules of the Southern Wastes. And what a start it's been - every single match played in the first round had at least one serious injury. While we didn't hit the heights of the opening season of SWL LXXXIV, it's a solid start..."

Image Chevelle III, beaten up by Bruiser. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Fun gal fright, certainly has a fear of flying after a fatal failed landing. Snotling, 1 SPP.

Image Bakh Ogredawner, suffered from being confused with a vampire by Zara the Slayer. Orc Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Tristan G, also slain by Zara the Slayer. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
"What does the G stand for, Jim?"
"Guts? He had a lot of them. Until they got spread over the pitch!"

Image William Tuscanar, turned even greener by Gangrene Greg. Ogre Snotling, 3 SPP.

Image Jeremiah Zilka, received a fatal injection from Vaxinator. Goblin , 0 SPP.

Image Pedro Name, it's a real shame, removed from the game by Euryclea Fearlock. Necromantic Ghoul, 0 SPP.

Image Melanie-cholia, certainly not any more cheerful after a block from Takharth Stoneheart. Undead Ghoul, 7 SPP.

Image Brachycephalus Didactylus IIIIIII, carved up by Gordon Ramsay. Slann Catcher, 0 SPP.

Image Pride Fall, bent beyond his breaking point by Bender. Lizardman Skink, 12 SPP.

Image Bender, shaved off the pitch by Moon Mustache. Human Blitzer, 46 SPP.
"A solid revenge hit there - that was Bender's first ever kill, and the Curse of the Death Watch got him in one turn."
"You don't stop talking about the Curse, do you, Bob?"
"As long as it keeps killing people, I'm talking about it!"

Curse Of The Death Watch Results
Image Sure-Fire Glo, 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Image Snow Scare, 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Bender, 1 kill. Dead

So, with one death from a player hitting the pitch, and ten more from players hitting each other, we're off to a good start. While we start hunting around for the Death Watch prizes from last season (which suspiciously went missing) feast your eyes on the broken and maimed players that won't be playing in week two:

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 14, 2021 - 07:11 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 2

Image Lighting Jr, done in by Mobad Duindudr. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Players called Lightning have a habit of vanishing in a flash from that team, don't they?"
"Yep - guess even being mispelt couldn't help him..."

Image Frank Shelford, suffered a massive Impakt. *High Elf Blitzer, 50 SPP.
"Another elf on the shelf - forever!"
"Now Jim, what self-respecting elf has a stupid name like that?"
"He doesn't have much of anything any more, Bob..."

Image Speed bump, returned to smooth tarmac by Thardrakk Coalface. Snotling, 5 SPP.

Image Khar'zh, sent down the khazi by Uncle Bogi's Mean Machine. Chaos Dwarf Bull Centaur, 22 SPP.

Image Cory Truetree, had too much of the sweet taste of Chocolate. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

Image Alex Genselda, should have been more afraid of the big bad Wilford B. Wolf. Ogre Snotling, 0 SPP.

Image Wilford B. Wolf, doing a good impression of his grandma after a hit by Cah. Necromantic Werewolf, 55 SPP.
"You have to respect the Curse of the Death Watch for punishing Wolf. Nobody should go around bullying Gnoblars like that..."

Image Super Spreader, spread all over the place by Edda Thomin. Nurgle Pestigor, 10 SPP.
"Probably for the best, we don't want AG4 pestigors running amok."
"Never mind that, have you seen how many muscular ladies are in the league?"
"That's a stat I'm not interested in, Jim..."

Image Billy Bluefire, extinguished by Biff. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Glart Smashrip, scraunched by Staunch. Glart Smashrip, 0 SPP.
"Scraunched? That isn't even a word!"
"That's not even a star player any more, Jim..."

Image Boa Sandersonia, proved snakes should never go surfing. *Amazon Blitzer, 19 SPP.

Image Cooper, forced to drink too much by Kullo Ironflagon. Human Lineman, 3 SPP.
"In a early contender for this season's Omelette, the Giants' defence was reliable as usual."
"Well, you say that, but usually that manage to kill players before they score, Bob..."

Late breaking news (honestly, we didn't just overlook this one...}

Image Petra the Petrified, turned to stone by Cash Bland. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"When will this senseless war between rats and lizards ever end?"

Curse of the Death Watch
Image Stuart, the End Level Guy, Foul * 1 kill. Broken Jaw
Image Wilford B. Wolf, Block * 2 kills. Dead
Image Henry Corydar, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Haldir Axebreaker, Block * 3 kills. Pinched Nerve
Image Felix, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 20, 2021 - 05:44 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 3

Apologies readers for an abbreviated Death Watch this week - on top of players refusing to die frequently enough, we've been having to put up with another 'anonymous' letter writing campaign by Pinkeye Growthspurt, this time claiming all the refs are biassed because they take everyone else's bribes and not his. Anyway, let's make a start. Or, for our participants this week, an end.

Image Haukr Illugison, blocked by Mobad Namimdigr. Norse Lineman, 1 SPP.
"What do we say about that?"
"Tricky when it's so hard to figure out how to pronounce those Norse names... Haukr hawked up a loogy? Life is an illusion for Illugison?"
"On the bright side, it wasn't one of those elves with a stupid name this week..."

Image Orio, nothing but crumbs blown away by Still Wind. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Isn't that Oreo, not Orio?"
"He's not anything any more, Jim..."

Image Pedrolino, nailed into the ground by the boot of Yorick Clumsyhammer. Elf Catcher, 9 SPP.
"How did that happen? it's not like elves are renowned for being flimsy, is it?"

Image Javier Calls, but nobody's picking up after a hit by Lemon Meringue Pie. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"Surely that's a misprint, Bob."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't spell 'Gnoblar' like that, do you?"

Image Beesting Funnylips, not so funny after being gobbled up by Uncleshape Sleazyhands. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"That's the second player we've ever had eaten, Jim!"
"Yes, and Uncleshape was on fire in that match - he'd previously ended the career of a frog by throwing a goblin at him - the first time somebody's pulled that one off."
"That's hardly the first time somebody's pulled the leg off a frog, Jim..."

Image Gjergj Skanderbeg, not too proud to beg after a big hit by Kreek Rustgouger. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Which, ironically, was the very last thing he said."

Leaving the best until last...
Image Happy Dancer, unhappily waltzing off into the sunset after (predictably enough) being reaved by Kirin Trollreaver. Orc Troll, 156 SPP.
"Wow. That's a proper calamity: the apo did nothing, and then the oldest, wisest Orc Troll in the league forgot to regen and now he's the deadest Orc Troll in the league!"
"Nothing like a 1 in 72 chance to get you onto the leaderboard, eh Bob?"

With the death of Dancer, there's now even fewer players left to sacrifice before we get a full set - will there be a donation of any Amazon Throwers before the end of the season? Come on, Widowmakers, be Widowermakers for a change!

Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

... and in late breaking news, one last remnant to be scraped from the stadium floor:

Image Tristan Corrigad, corrugated into mud by Brooks Mudman. Goblin , 0 SPP.
"Tristan? Or Tristess as our Bretonnian friends would say."
"Bretonnians don't have any friends, Bob."

And without further delay, let's take a quick check on the Curse of the Death Watch this week:

Image Mobad Duindudr, Block * 3 kills. Smashed Hip
Image Happy Dancer, Block * 3 kills. Dead
Image Yorick Clumsyhammer, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Sure-Fire Glo, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs
Image Corpse, * 1 kill. Damaged Back


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Apr 27, 2021 - 22:15 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 4

What's that horrible crunching noise? It's the sound of the SWL reaching the middle of the season. And with it, a fresh delivery of rotting corpses for your beloved hosts, Jim and Bob, to pick through...

Week Four is traditionally a time when the apothecaries head to the golf course rather than bothering to show up at the stadium, and the combination of exhausted players and sharpened spikes usually gives us a lot of 'material'. While SWL LXXXVI hasn't been particularly blessed with impact, this was the second most seriously-injured week 4 since records began, paling only in comparison to the middle of season LXXXII. Without further ado, let's get to it:

No point waiting for the cows to come home, because they're dead:
Image Moobris Whack-half, stamped on by Silver Truestone. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.
"Anyone watching that would have been reassured that Silver really did have all the gold. Whether it was the money to pay the ref to ignore that foul, or the money paid before the match to ensure the Facts' own bribe was ignored, or the gilded MVP award he took on top of all this, Truestone was in the money."
"May his pockets grow deeper and his arms ever shorter..."

Image "Not so" Lucky Seven, hammered by by Az Naylz. Dark Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image The Messenger, got a very terse letter from Professor Oak. Human Lineman, 16 SPP.

Image Danger Demon, exorcised from the kitchen by Wolfgang Puck. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"0 SPP? That Demon was only a danger to himself!"

Image Corvette, left up on blocks by The Evil Doctor. High Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.

Image Very Unfriendly Fructose Overdose, unsweetened by Diana Wynne Jones. Goblin 'Ooligan, 0 SPP.
"This week sees another dead green player - our very first Ooligan to make it to the Death Watch. That's also the first Ooligan to have had any serious injuries - the little lads with the big voices have been surprisingly durable up until now..."
"Jim, there's a goblin from the fact checking department saying we've had a groin strain, a smashed knee, a broken jaw, fractured ribs, poisoning and a smashed ankle from Ooligans before."
"Yes, but none of those are serious. I mean, they're only Ooligans, right?"

Image We're not going to say anybody left Demeter running, after a classic foul by the multi-time All Star Blin. Underworld Troll, 20 SPP.
"And just a few seasons ago we'd not seen a single Underworld Troll. Now there's a troll every week."
"Is Manshape going to make it to Legend without dying?"
"Three games left. Hold onto your trolls, people!"

Image Lethe, in a world of grief by Bruiser. Underworld Lineman, 5 SPP.
"I'm not sure that rhyme works, Bob."
"I'll tell you something else that doesn't work. Lethe."

Image [Un]Luckier, found his time was up when he met Cronus. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 45 SPP.
"Hobgoblin, you say? Looks more like a elf blitzer with a wonky leg to me."
"It's a Rorscharch test, Bob. Look long enough, it actually looks just like a puddle of blood..."
"Rorscharch? Didn't he play for Pugs Not Drugs back in the seventies?"

Image Substitute Teacher Dan, will be finding somebody else to look after his class after being run over by Mobad Namimdigr. Dark Elf Lineman, 3 SPP.

Image Bad Hat?, decapitated by Geirr?ðr Sn?rtrs. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.
"We've never had three question marks over a single death before, have we Bob?"
"Question marks? Are those like skid marks?"
"Thank you, Bob..."

Image Hoppy Balbo'a, not so happy balboa after a classic thumping by the old man of the League, Impak. Skaven Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Dorksmoosh, permanently smooshed by Thad'hak. Ogre Gnoblar, 3 SPP.
"Well, there's been a lot of controversy about people thinking Snotlings play for Ogre teams, so I'm glad we laid that one to rest."
"Along with Dorksmoosh."
"Although one of the techno-goblins at Cabalvision is wittering on about the True Book Of Fumbbl, and how the caption for the picture of the Gnoblar in there clearly says 'https://fumbbl.com/FUMBBL/Images/PlayerIcons/Snotling2.gif'."
"Don't try to blind me with science, Jim!"

Image Luigi-brious, picked off by Suzie Scabs. Undead Ghoul, 9 SPP.
"I'm pretty sure that should have been the other way around, Bob..."

Only humans suffered from the Curse Of The Death Watch this week:
Image Corpse, 1 kill. Damaged Back
Image Felix, 1 kill. Smashed Ankle

And finally, because we missed it last week, here's two weeks of mangled players for you to feast your eyes on:

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: May 10, 2021 - 06:54 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 5 & 6

"Did you miss us? After all the statistical goblins stayed up late to watch the Scoundrels match last week, they were too tired to help with the report, so we've beaten them into shape and demanded double duties to cover this week. Relax, grab some popcorn and check out the 23 highlights of the last two week' games!"

Image Osmond Stronglightning, probably forever wondering what that awful smell is after a blow by Fischoeder. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.

Image Aaron Fasthammer, nailed by Mighty Zug. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.

Image Fredrick Paleeagle, turning an even whiter shade of Paleagle by Mighty Zug. Chaos Beastman, 0 SPP.

"Is it just dead Beastmen all the time this week?"
"That's what the Facts' coach was asking, after the cuddly killers of the Conferences slumped to a 93-turn defeat..."

Regular programming returns
Image Kalman Styrbi?rnson, had all the letters in his name rearranged by Gruff. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Gruff, you say?"
"Still easier to pronounce than Kalman Styrbi?rnson!"
"Who I pronounce ... dead!"

Image Grunt, made exactly that noise while being stamped on by Aðalsteinn Elfráðrson. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 7 SPP.
"If I had a penny for every dead chorf with Guard.."
"... you'd have one penny this week."
"Which, coincidentally, is exactly how much we got from our sponsors!"

Image Weakling, should really have muscled up but instead got hit by Refr Hi?rrson. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 6 SPP.

Image Looks like he took a Herbad Turn for the worse following a block by Scott, the Radioactive Man. Lizardman Skink, 24 SPP.

Image Boa Sandersonia, picked off by Suzie Scabs. Amazon Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"Hmm, the name sounds familiar..."
"Yes, I thought we saw Sandersonia last week."
"Probably just stuck in the amazon revolving door of death..."

Image Geirólfr Vilgeirrson, smackura'd by Bacura. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

Image Skulldoodle, fouled by Brynlee Darkspur. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"Ironically, a skulldoodle is exactly the kind of decoration Brynlee was trying to make on the pitch there..."

Image Evander, sent to the holy field by Murder Thunder. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Merc Lineman 1 (), Block by Dork Destiny. Orc Lineman, 0 SPP.
"Oh, poor, dear sweet Merc Lineman 1... We're all going to miss him."

Image Avo Smash Toastyflake, well and truly spread by Harold Whitesnake. Goblin Looney, 0 SPP.
"Disgraceful behaviour by Whitesnake there, and what made it worse was when Pinkeye stuck up for him by fouling Whitesnake off the pitch, he got banned for nothing worse than a badly hurt..."

Image Biff, bashed by Mobad Duindudr. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 19 SPP.

Image Sturm Battlehand, saw all of his Tooth Roll across the pitch. *Dwarf Blitzer, 60 SPP.
"Shouldn't that be 'teeth', Jim?"
"Well the rumours spread by Growthspurt are that none of the dwarfs can fit a toothbrush through their enormous beards."
"He's got bigger concerns than dental hygiene now..."

Image Moofielunk, had a delicious taste of Lemon Meringue Pie. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.

Image Cornelia Polson, Block by Diana Wynne Jones. Amazon Linewoman, 0 SPP.
"Polson, you say? Poison, more like!"
"Don't start crowing yet, there's another 17 players on that team with at least one +ST that we have to 'prune' before they do more damage..."

Image Joe Stanley, tried to take the bull by the horns, got Pongy Baconbreath instead. High Elf Blitzer, 2 SPP.
"The crowd was bemused to see Tussock not use his apo on a one-legged blitzer."
"A one-legged blitzer with a stupid name, I must remind you."
"Exactly. Why can't he call them something sensible like 'Jimmy Elfingelfelfss?on like the Norse teams do?"

Image Heiðr Valþiólfrs, stomped by Merc Lineman 1. Norse Ulfwerener, 10 SPP.
"I think we are all happy to see Merc Lineman 1 making such a swift recovery, even if it was to put somebody else to death."
"Ah yes, the man with no name, killing the man with the unpronounceable name."
"You can say that, but it's easier to say than Kalman Styrbi?rnson..."

Image Leroy Deepspike, bashed by Big Bad Big Balled Bandersnatch. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.
"In a bad season for the Scoundrels it's good to see a bit of blood on Big Bad Big Balled Bandersnatch's big ball, isn't it?"

Image Jordan Cariki, Block by Billy Butcherson. Snotling, 0 SPP.
"After what's been a tough season for the Necronominomnomnoms, it's heartening to see them ... beating up the little guy?"
"Jim, there's nothing the fans like to see more than Blood Bowl professionals ... killing fans."

Image Marguerite, stonefisted by Bharkhak Stonefist. Amazon Blitzer, 15 SPP.

Image Khograkh Bronzeheart, given a bit of a shiner by Sweat Pea. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 73 SPP.
"I always said you should expect injuries when those little ladies play the short guys with the big hats..."

Image Flavio, no longer flavior of the month after he fell on Tough times with a block from the big guy. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Zachary Silentsnake, killed by the silent slayer of silent snakes and pretty much everyone else, the dreaded Shoelaces, scourge of the unwary GFIer. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image The Evil Doctor, Failed GFI * 4 kills. Smashed Hip
Image Balanzone, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Arm
Image David Kessler, Failed dodge * 2 kills. Smashed Knee
Image Avo Smash Toastyflake, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Biff, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Sturm Battlehand, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Kirin Trollreaver, Block * 3 kills. Smashed Ankle
Image Euryclea Fearlock, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Knee
Image Stuart, the End Level Guy, Block * 1 kill. Serious Concussion
Image Khograkh Bronzeheart, Block * 1 kill. Dead

And as we wait for the final two matches of the round to be added to the register, feast your eyes on everyone who's been hurt in the last two weeks:

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: May 21, 2021 - 06:16 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVI Week 7

And so we come to the end of another season of mayhem, and yet again, there's been a huge delivery of bruised meat dumped outside the studio tonight:

Image Lord Borak The Despoiler, spoiled for sure by Moog Mustache. Chaos Beastman, 21 SPP.
"He wiped more than the facial hair off him, didn't he?

Image Pongy Baconbreath, freshened up by a block from Murder Thunder. Chaos Minotaur, 74 SPP.
"A lot of tears in the Facts' dugout tonight?"
"I don't know, Jim; on paper Pongy was possibly the best minotaur we've seen for years, but with a disappointing total of 4 casualties this season, perhaps it's no wonder the apothecary didn't think he was worth saving."
"Well, if you're going to save the doctor after four other fatalities, he's probably already gone to the golf course..."

Image Melanie-cholia II, not cheered up by David Kessler. Undead Ghoul, 15 SPP.
"That was one muscular ghoul."
"Was being the operative word..."

Image Brattleboro ""Guzzla"" Schrinton, had a spell cast on him by James, the Darker Arts Tutor. Skaven Blitzer, 85 SPP.
"One of the bigger hitters of the Lab, but couldn't cope with the tide of angry Norsemen in budgie smugglers."
"It's the way I'd like to go, Bob."

Image I thought I heard a Knock at the Door, but there's nobody there - some kind of prank by Greygerd Ged? Dark Elf Blitzer, 8 SPP.

Image (), made a terrible mess of Lemon Meringue Pie. Chaos Dwarf Blocker, 0 SPP.
"() has taken a real beating this season, hasn't he?"

Image Cuddlybunch, constricted by Yuda Snake. Ogre Gnoblar, 3 SPP.
"Cuddled just a bit too much, eh?"
"I'm sure the ogres will miss that experienced gnoblar when they're up in the Prem next season..."

Image Hercules, turned out not to be so strong after a hit by Impak. Human Thrower, 25 SPP.

Image Julius Strongorc, weakened by Critter. Orc Lineman, 5 SPP.

Image Eurynomos, given the right kind of medicine by Nurse Betty. Nurgle Rotter, 0 SPP.

And with that set of dead players, there's the Curse of the Death Watch and a mound of injuries to check out, and then we're all ready for this season's special Death Watch Awards! Stay tuned!

Image Pongy Baconbreath, Block 2 kills. Dead

Image Mobad Firnakr, Block 1 kill. Groin Strain

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The You Can Dish It Out But Can You Take It Butter Dish goes to the Blood Crag Stripes with 9 kills in 7 games, removing a whopping 210 SPP forever. Conversely the You Can Take It But Can You Dish It Out Butter Dish is awarded to the Real Fake Alternative Facts, with more dead players than any other team this season. The Massively Patronising "It's Called Blood Bowl For A Reason!" Bowl was apparently smashed last season by an irate coach, but it's being reassembled as soon as we can figure out who deserves it most. Every single team provided or suffered at least one serious injury this season, so we've no idea what to do with it.

The Glass Cannon Glass Cannon, the most confusing award we have, goes to the team that had the most injuries sustained while hurting more other teams than anyone else did, which this season was ... the Waaaaghton Redskins, hurting or killing 17 players but taking 10 at-least-serious injuries in return. That Impak is still leaving some dents...

The Omelette goes to the Federated Fowlers and Blue Mountain Giants for a respectable seven-person visit to the hospital/mortuary.

The What Took You So Long Digital Watch goes to the Amateur Professionals for not losing a player to death until the sixth week of the season (contested by the Singed Poor Scoundrels, who were disqualified after not playing in the first round of the season).

And finally, the big two prizes:

The Gastrotheca Riobambae III Commemorative Squashed Freddo goes to Euronymous! Big hand for the rotter who couldn't be stopped by a broken neck, a pinched nerve, or a fractured leg this season - oh, but being killed in the last game of the season means he can't come to collect his trophy. Doh!

The Chamberpot of Terrifying Doom is awarded to Impak, who narrowly pipped Lemon Meringue Pie into second place with 3 kills this season. The big orc gets it for removing more high value targets than his scaly competitor.


Joined: May 29, 2011

Post 1 Posted: May 22, 2021 - 07:44 Reply with quote Back to top

The Awards Show!
With T & P.

P: Terence, old man, what on earth are we doing presenting the Twahnlow awards?

T: This job actually pays, Phillip, unlike barracking for Goblins and High Elves, who never win anything anyway.

P: Other than a spot in the Hall of Fame and a Premier title, you mean.

T: What? How long have we been gone?

P: Too long, Terence, too long.

The SWL LXXXVI Team Achievements

T: These are a recognition of those squads doing the hard yards, or rather, the easy yards to accumulate so many more of them. A who's who of teams dominating their respective divisions, in their particular fields of expertise.

Turns (1175): Tuff Gitz
Completions (14): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
TDs (17): Eternal Widowmakers
Cas (24): Eternal Widowmakers
SPP (109): Eternal Widowmakers
Passing yards (44): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Rushing yards (278): Eternal Widowmakers
Blocks (387): Tuff Gitz
Fouls (37): Singed Poor Scoundrels
Blocks/Cas (11.42): Eternal Widowmakers
Pass/Cp (pi): Kingdom Decay (SWL)
Kills (3, 18spp): Eternal Widowmakers

Turns (1147): Blue Mountain Giants
Completions (20): Amateur Professionals
TDs (14): Blood Crag Stripes, Bronzed Raiders, Federated Fowlers
Cas (30): Bronzed Raiders
SPP (110): Bronzed Raiders
Passing yards (117): Amateur Professionals
Rushing yards (235): Blue Mountain Giants
Blocks (394): Cold Rock
Fouls (46): Federated Fowlers
Blocks/Cas (10.07): Federated Fowlers
Pass/Cp (6.75): Blue Mountain Giants
Kills (9, 210spp): Blood Crag Stripes

Turns (1068): Skelligen Spoilers
Completions (14): Druchii Dynasty
TDs (13): Cult of the Firedrake
Cas (23): Cult of the Firedrake
SPP (88): Druchii Dynasty
Passing yards (72): Druchii Dynasty
Rushing yards (244): Cult of the Firedrake
Blocks (303): Cult of the Firedrake
Fouls (38): Crazy Beard Express
Blocks/Cas (9.47): Styx αnd Warpstones
Pass/Cp (5.14): Druchii Dynasty
Kills (6, 25spp): Crazy Beard Express

P: That really just gives everyone time to file in for the main show, and as an appetiser, what have we got from Maester Whippy, Terence?

T: A celebration of the triers, the try hards, the guts of the league, the little teams with the big guys in support. Mostly celebrating Goblins, and the odd Minotaur out of respect.

P: And fear.

T: Yes, fear is a big bit of giving awards to minotaurs, honestly, look at the size of them.

Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Stunty Cone
Image Fraulein Wird Nicht Aufhören zu Hüpfen (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 12 spp
Image The Unofficial Maester Whippy Dean Douglas Sundae
Image Cah (Concussion Protocol) 23 spp

P: Not as big as Cah, apparently, nor as light on their feet.

T: Now for the main show!

The SWL Season LXXXVI Awards

T: The regional play saw half a dozen new squads and a few old favourites spar for the lesser glories. A ringer team of Orcs coached by Snotling regular Semitence took the division title on a complicated countback from the bullying new Amazons of Kransky, the Eternal Widowmakers.

Image Image Banba Tricus (Eternal Widowmakers) 6 TDs
Image Image Edda Thomin (Eternal Widowmakers) 9 cas
Image Image Quarantine Enforcer (Social Distance) & ImageOne Point Five (Social Distance) & ImageGodlike (Kingdom Decay (SWL))113 turns
Image Image Burialground Berewick (Play Fetch) 102 rushing yards
Image Image Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 29 pass yards
Image Image Pinkeye Growthspurt (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 17 fouls
Image Image Manshape Gutwart (Singed Poor Scoundrels) 63 blocks
Image Image Femme Fatale (Kingdom Decay (SWL)) 10 cps
Image Image Edda Thomin (Eternal Widowmakers) 5.89 block/cas
Image Image Dimond Handz (Tuff Gitz) 5 pass/cp

Image Image Banba Tricus (Eternal Widowmakers) 25 SPP

T: Our two conferences were won by the Bronzed Raiders and the Federated Fowlers, respectively. Both off the back of a shockingly large stack of fouls. Might be a hint there for other coaches.

P: Fouling is not to be promoted, Terence, it doesn't do High Elf teams any good at all.

T: It works pretty well against them, though, Phillip.

Image Image Hilbor Bronzecarver (Blue Mountain Giants) 9 TDs
Image Image Murder Thunder (Blood Crag Stripes) 9 cas
Image Image Thad'hak (Bronzed Raiders) & ImageKullo Ironflagon (Blue Mountain Giants) & ImageTuck Longbarrel (Blue Mountain Giants)113 turns
Image Image Hilbor Bronzecarver (Blue Mountain Giants) 214 rushing yards
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 121 pass yards
Image Image Krycek (Federated Fowlers) 25 fouls
Image Image Lucuma (Cold Rock) 73 blocks
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 16 cps
Image Image Khograkh Bronzeheart (Bronzed Raiders) 5 block/cas
Image Image David Kirk (Amateur Professionals) 7.57 pass/cp

Image Image Impak (Waaaaghton Redskins) 38 SPP

T: The premier title was won by the Druchii Dynasty, whose dynastic ambitions are to bog off and enjoy their winnings and other ill-gotten gains without further risking their necks.

Image Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) & Image Herbad Ith (Cult of the Firedrake) 9 TDs
Image Image Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 12 cas
Image Image Mobad Namimdigr (Cult of the Firedrake) 113 turns
Image Image Aeneas (Styx αnd Warpstones) 163 rushing yards
Image Image Elon Laissez-faire (Druchii Dynasty) 45 pass yards
Image Image Blin (Crazy Beard Express) 24 fouls
Image Image Cronus (Styx αnd Warpstones) 93 blocks
Image Image Elon Laissez-faire (Druchii Dynasty) 8 cps
Image Image Þorgautr Ánison (Skelligen Spoilers) 5.13 block/cas
Image Image Elon Laissez-faire (Druchii Dynasty) 5.63 pass/cp

Image Image Kindra Voidrunner (Druchii Dynasty) 29 SPP

T: Look at those underworld skaven, massive achievement off some tough games, but it's Kindra supported by Elon has smashed them all in overall success, taking her team all the way to the top.

P: How did the High Elves in prem go, the Speeeeedy ones?

T: They, like half of premier, have retired. Speeeeed Killzzzz, Blackwater Cockfighters, Lab Rat Elysium, and the Druchii Dynasty. All four coaches have signed up with new teams though, so we'll see more of them in the SWL in seasons to come.

P: That Chaos All Sorts isn't new, I remember them from a long time ago.

T: Not just them, the Mexican Standoff are back, as are Banner of the Black Stag. It's a whole new team, but their fans bought the ruse and will turn up in huge numbers for some of the biggest regional crowds we've seen in a long time.

P: Well worth a watch, or perhaps, a Death Watch?

T: Thank you Phillip. Good night all, please avoid antagonising the aggrevied who missed out tonight, some of them are very, very dangerous folk.

*updated team kill totals, Thanks to Shraaaag, ramchop, and MrCushtie for stat functions and spreatsheets and loving the game.
** Also, apologies to Murder Thunder, what a Krox!

Last edited by tussock on May 26, 2021 - 10:50; edited 1 time in total

Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: May 26, 2021 - 07:14 Reply with quote Back to top

The SWL LXXXVII Regional Round Up

With a bumper haul of new teams entering the fray this season, as some of those flibbertigibbet dilletante coaches who couldn't face playing two hundred games with the same team/stalwart long time SWL coaches who fancied a change are redrafting, or bringing back some classic names, while a mob of brand new teams are also programming the speed dial for the mortuary, it promises to be another exciting seven rounds in the Regionals, the place "where all true Blood Bowl is played" (according to Mr P. Growthspurt). So without further ado, let's look at the possible winners of the Premiership in SWL LXXXIX...

Image Zealots of Change
With the Druchii 'Dynasty' preferring to quit at the top of their game, their Norse coach decided it was time to go for the slightly slighter choice of Underworld. As long as there's no tackle to worry about, those goblins should be surprisingly durable.

Image Blackwater Saltminers
With 2 wins in 2 trials, the Saltminers have escaped serious injury so far, and bring a full squad of those bearded wonders to the league. With as much Block as a sauna full of Vikings in chainmail bikinis, this team is going to hit hard from the start, and probably not stop...

Image Blocky Horror Chaos Show
Possibly the only Chaos team in the league this season, the Show had a poor start to things with a 3-1 drubbing by a team of out-of-work warpstone addicts, but these mutant horrors will mature by the end of this season into a hard hitting horror show. As long as they don't die early on, we pity whoever plays them in round 7...

Image Mexican Standoff
After a short interlude, the Mexicans return with a team that's made up almost entirely of linemen. Never mind that, they clearly believe they can ride on the continuing affections of their fans for a few matches, and with two recent wins and the regular annoying elf skills like Wrestle and Kick already on the roster, they're probably prepared for a pretty powerful comeback.

Image Expat Express
As if two seasons of playing lightly armoured stunties wasn't enough, the goblins are replaced this season by a bunch of pointy eared fops with silly names. Will we see 'Mel Gibson' topping the SPP charts in seven more games, or Stu Wilsoned off the pitch in no time?

Image Chaos All Sorts
Eight touchdowns and nine casualties in their first two games back suggest the Chaos All Sorts might be quite a treat to watch in their comeback season. We have Bedlam picked out as a Maister Whippee contender, as one of the few Big Guys who can block down in the Regionals.

Image Banner of the Black Stag
After a lot of remarks early on about Norsemen, it's strange that it's taken this long to find a team of them competing in the division this time. Fans are already calling this team a disgrace due to the lack of Frenzy - whether Earp took the second-worst skill in the game on his skill up just as a Norse rope-a-dope so he can pick Frenzy next, or if the team have some other plans, we can only guess. But the Banner will either be raised high again or dragged through the dirt in seven games' time...

Image Har Ganeth Hellebores
If there was an award for the hardest start, the Hellebores would probably have already clinched it, with the two bloodiest Trials of Blood so far this season. With a dead elf and two more retired in their first match, and another corpse in their second game, these fops are probably aiming to coax a lot of petty cash from the Bank of Naggarond to pay for some sweet, sweet inducements early on.

Image Heroes before the Fall
A strong showing in their trials sets up this undead team for success, although the inaccurately named Resilience retired before they'd even made it to the league proper. Another team making the unsporting choice of Guard on a Mummy, when everyone knows you take Thick Skull first, right?

Image SWL Dorruks
Well, we thought the Chaos All Stars were committed to violence, but with 14 casualties in the Dorruks' inaugural two games, the green skinned guys with a twinkle in their eyes (Pinkeye, have you been drinking paint again?) may be cruising past them for some tasty Death Watch trophies. We're going to place a bet right now that Duluk 'Deluxe' Zombieeagle is going to show up in the Regionals Rising Stars in a couple of months, although being the first guy in the division with Mighty Blow and Tackle might also be akin to coach npe painting a target on his back...

Image Furnamii
Causing almost as much carnage as the Hellebores in their first trial match, the crowds are keen to see if the traditionally fragile Skaven live up to their reputation. Check back here before Sunday...

We're not making any predictions yet about who's going to be leading the charge into the Conferences. Don't forget the wildcards of the teams waiting/languishing for them in the Regionals already, and the never-ending threat that the Scoundrels will reappear to fill somebody in before the end of the season.


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jun 15, 2021 - 07:54 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVII Week One
"We're back, baby!"
"Who are you calling a baby, Jim?"
"Well, somebody was screaming and incapable of keeping their trousers clean..."

"Can you smell what's cooking? These two can't smell anything!"
"They certainly smell like something though, Jim!"

Image Chen Kenichi, didn't last long after encountering Tenacity. Halfling, 0 SPP.

Image Bobby Flay, flay by name, flayed by Enthusiasm. Halfling, 8 SPP.

Image Guiseppe Garibaldi, snapped like a stale biscuit when he went surfing. Underworld Gutter Runner, 17 SPP.
"Kerpow! That's the first dead Underworld Gutter Runner we've ever had on the show!"
"Hopefully not the last, eh Bob?"

Image Goobleair, beaten down by Gard Hammersmite. Ogre Gnoblar, 0 SPP.
"Hammersmite? Hammerspiteful more like, beating up on those innocent little snotlings!"
"Bob! Don't be so insensitive! That's not a snotling, it's a gnoblar!"
"No, Jim. That's not much more than a stain on the turf..."

No Mercy For Young Elves With Silly Names Section
Image Michael Jones, booted into the hereafter by Rotten' Rick Bupkeis. High Elf Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"A big bad boot from the Bup' made the ... the ... er ... what's a word for elf that starts with a B, Jim?"

Image D N A, twisted into a double helix by Arlecchino. Nurgle Pestigor, 0 SPP.

Image Devil, now with the angels after violating Lockdown. Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Chevelle 4th, up on bricks again and feeling some self-Loathing. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.
"With that sort of performance, he should quit playing Blood Bowl."
"Well, maybe he'll do better on the next team he plays for..."

Alan Is Morris Yet Award For Services To Irony
"And it looks like the fabled Naggarond chanteuse is appearing on the show tonight, to present two prizes to the players with possibly the most appropriate names this week."
"But why is she called Alan?"
"Hush, Bob. We don't do anything to make the witch elves angry."
"That's not a witch elf, Jim. That's a --"
"Ssh! She'll hear us. And she's more vicious than ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife!"

Image Unluckiest, certainly not having any good fortune after running into Euryclea Fearlock. Chaos Dwarf Hobgoblin , 2 SPP.

Image For Whom the Bell Tolls? it tolled for thee, having your bell rung by Brooks Mudman. Human Thrower, 40 SPP.

Curse Of The Death Watch
Image Tenacity, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Smashed Knee. (Special award for Tenacity there, hurting himself in the same match he killed somebody. Nuffle rooting for the little guy there...)
Image Bharkhak Stonefist, Foul * 2 kills. Smashed Ankle
Image Þorgautr Ánison, Foul * 1 kill. Fractured Leg
Image Lemon Meringue Pie, Block * 3 kills. Fractured Skull
Image Scott, the Radioactive Man, Block * 1 kill. Broken Ribs

While Bob and Jim keep hiding from that enraged Dark Elf light entertainer, let's try to distract everyone with this mound of maimed bodies...

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Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jun 24, 2021 - 07:02 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVII Week Two
Due to the statistickal team losing all their favourite crayons, and Pinkeye eating everyone else's favourite glue, there have been terrible delays in announcements in the league this week. With the All Star Committee still tied to chairs in a smoke-filled backroom of an undisclosed pub, Bob and Jim have been pulling double time trying to get the Death Watch together. Lucky for them, it's been a sparse week"

Image Apparently the Bretonnian term for 'grave' is La Graviere II, and appropriately this plucky rat just died for a second time, at the shiny Star Player boot of Rotten' Rick Bupkeis. He had so much promise, so much unfulfilled potential,... such a total lack of achievement up to his death. Skaven Blitzer, 0 SPP.

Image Diego Jiminez, had his goose cooked by Wolfgang Puck. High Elf Lineman, 8 SPP.
"Now we thought it was bad enough with the Am-Dram Processionals and their stupid names, but now there's a new team trying to sneak joke names past us by pretending they're famous Estalians."
"There should be a law against it. Still they might not actually be Estalians, Bob. Aren't the Mexican Standoof from the Lustrian leagues?"

Image William Whiterock, nothing more than a geology project after being buried by Leigh Diffey. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.

Image Menodice rolled the dice, and had a very Tough result, getting his face bashed in. Underworld Goblin, 0 SPP.

Image From Moose Tracks to skid marks after a good hit by Cah. Lizardman Saurus, 21 SPP.
"One more for the just say 'ah!' when you see Cah Department..."
"That is actually a thing?"

Image Bloody Mary, stopped off during the match for a few too many drinks with the fans, never came back. Necromantic Ghoul, 15 SPP.

Image Tristan Palestream, permanently dammed by Carnivore. High Elf Lineman, 0 SPP.

"So, that was a lucky seven for the rest of the players that were unscathed today."
"Not exactly...take a look at these battered lumps:"

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And in case you forgot, the Curse of the Death Watch is still in full force:

Image Loathing, Block. 2 kills. Smashed Hand
Image Diana Wynne Jones, Surfed. 2 kills. Fractured Arm

Ahem, by 'full force' we meant two mild injuries. Try harder next week, everyone!


Joined: Aug 10, 2018

Post   Posted: Jul 02, 2021 - 08:38 Reply with quote Back to top

SWL Death Watch Season LXXXVII Week Three

With the All Star Committee still recovering from some dodgy squig beer, they'll probably be announcing the LXXXVI All Stars at the end of this season, not the start. While we try to whip them into shape, here's all the deaths from this week:

Image Mel Gibson, turned a very strange shade of pink by Magenta. Elf Catcher, 14 SPP.
"He had a brave heart, that one. We are still mad Max Spleenripper didn't get to show him what women want, but the signs were always that a lethal weapon of some sort was going to depitch this elf with a joke name."
"Bob, are you feeling alright?"

Image Aesali Niktohal, punched out by Rocky Balboa. Dark Elf Lineman, 1 SPP.
"It's good to see the Hellebores keeping up their pre-season form."
"By dying a lot?"
"Insensitive, Jim! I was trying to be encouraging."

Image La Graviere III, nothing more than gravy after an encounter with the unpronounceable by Kálfr Styrbiǫrnson. Skaven Blitzer, 0 SPP.
"It's getting to be a habit with this one. 'Rumours of my demise were greatly exaggerated and all that.'"

Image Strawberries, turned to jam by Takharth Stoneheart. Lizardman Skink, 0 SPP.
"I didn't think you could make jam out of a lizard, Bob. Wouldn't that just taste disgusting?"
"Doesn't matter when he's spread so well across most of the pitch."

Image Horatio, met his Waterloo in the horrifying shape of Cah. Human Lineman, 0 SPP.

Image Kili Fireforge, had his beard removed by Moon Mustache. Dwarf Blocker, 18 SPP.
"Those fearsome Stripes strike again!"
"I'd give some more credit to the Curse of the Death Watch if I were you, Jim..."

Image Wallopy by name, walloped by nature (with a little bit of help from Edda Thomin). Skaven Lineman, 2 SPP.

Image Dan, Chief Historian, probably feeling like he was run over by all three Billy Goats Gruff. Norse Lineman, 0 SPP.

Well, a disappointing eight deaths, a slight improvement on last week, but still... nobody is paying attention to the constant demands for more blood. Let's take a look at how the Curse of the Death Watch is doing... and before anyone says there's no Curse of the Death Watch, it's hit 14 different players already this season, so they all believe in it!

Image Gard Hammersmite, Block * 1 kill. Fractured Skull
Image Kili Fireforge, Block * 1 kill. Dead
Image Aðalsteinn Elfráðrson, Failed dodge * 1 kill. Fractured Arm
Image Greygerd Ged, Hit by a rock * 1 kill. Groin Strain
Image James, the Darker Arts Tutor, Block * 1 kill. Gouged Eye
Image Carnivore, Block * 1 kill. Smashed Hip

Right, well, get that queue of malingering players out of the studio tout suite, we've got some pit traps to build to get the fatality rate up a bit next week... Till then, stay lucky!

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