2011-03-02 20:33:08
37 votes, rating 3.1
Chuck Norris eats rock and shits lightning bolts. One time Chuck Norris was walking around in the forest, looking for hippies to use as firewood, when a wild boar suddenly crossed his path. Big mistake. Chuck lifted the boar into the air with his mind,spun him around, and digested him telekinetically. And Chuck was not even hungry.
If you dont know who Chuck Norris is, he is the world champion in tae kwon do, jujutsu, kickboxing, karate, sumo wrestling, tae bo, pad thai, Street Fighter II, and he holds a cerificate of participation in the national spelling bee. Chuck Norris has no weakness; he is the ultimate fighting machine.
Not much is know about Chuck Norris's childhood. Chuck Norris has no mother, as crawling out of a vagina is unbecoming of a man of his stature. Chuck spontaneoulsy came into existence on Karl Marx's birthday. This was no coincidence since Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism; he is the yang to communisim's yin, and the very thought of a political theory that suggests that people should have their own means of production in a classless society makes Chuck Norris want to puke.
Chuck Norris has fought in almost every major war, including the Korean war, World War I and II, the American Civil War, the Peloponnesian War, the Iran-Iraq War (on both sides simultaneously), the War of the Worlds and the War on Drugs. The only war Chuck has not fought in is the Macedonian war because Chuck Norris does not give a shit about macedonis. Chuck Norris wins wars by attrition.
Here is a list of Chuck's favorite foods:
*WHISKEY
Sonetimes Chuck when he gets tired of whiskey, we will eat bread,cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of bssil, which sounds like pizza, but it is not because Chuck Norris does not want to give the Italians the credit.
One time I went to Chuck Norris house on Halloween, and I dressed up like a pussy because you are supposed to dress like somthing you are not, and I figured that Chuck Norris would appreciate ironic humor. I walked up a winding pathway to his house, which was a giant floating volcanowith American bald eagles flying around it, and with a long staircase leading to the top.
I walkied up the staircase for what seemed like days, and when I finally reached the top, I saw Chuck Norris sitting on his throne. I dared not look him in the eyes because one time this guy looked him in his eyes and Chuck Norris spontaneously combusted him. No one is allowed to speak with Chuck; the only thing you are allowed to do in his presence is bow, kiss his ring, bow again, and leave. So I walked up to his throne and saw that he was wearing a ring made out of solid diamonds with a unicorn on it that had and errection.
I kissed his ring, and then I wanted to thank him, so I said. "Sir, permission to thank you for the privilege of allowing me to kiss your ring." If Chuck Norris does not immediatly kill you, that means he has granted you permission. I thanked him, bowed, and left. It was teh happiest day of my life.
I once had a friend who claimed he went over to Chuck Norris's house and hung out with him. I did not believe him, so I asked for proof adn he told me that Chuck Norris owns the complete Back to the Future trilogy on laser disc. I was so jealous that I called him a liar, but deep inside I knew we was telling the truth.
Chuck Norris starts his day like every red blooded man: with giant boner. After rubbing one off, Chuck flosses his teeth with steel wool. Then he eats a bowl of dynamite, takes a massive two-flush meagshit, and wipes his ass with intercepted letters to Santa Claus.
After breakfast , Chuck brings in his mail and uses the spear of destiny as an envolope opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so that he can ruin the ending to new Harry Potter books before they are even written.
One time, Chuck Norris read a news piece about some guy who was given the death peanlty for treason. Treason is especially offensive to Chuck because he embodies everything that is, was, or ever will be American. Chuck Norris loves America so much that when he gets interrupted during sex, he gets red, white, and blue balls. So when Chuck read about this traitor, he killed himself, went to hell and ripped the guy's face off and uses it as a loin cloth to this day. Chuck then ressurected himself, went to lunch, and paid for his food using exact change.
In the evening, Chuck likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get cancer.
This concludes a day in the life of the greatest American ever to live.